“It’s not that,” she said softly and then looked back to the frothing white waves rolling up the shore. I followed her gaze and watched Charlie trot along the shore.
“What is it?”
“I know this isn’t my business and I know he may be your son, but what about a paternity test?” she mumbled so softly I had to strain to hear her. I watched her beautiful eyes glancing everywhere but at me. I could tell this was uncomfortable for her, and I loved her all the more for it.
I took in a deep breath of air, filling my lungs and then glancing back to Charlie. Diva sat by the screen door, a low meow escaping her throat. “She thinks she’s part dog.” The cat sat at the screen door and meowed all damn day until someone let her out.
Georgia glanced from her cat to me, a sad smile lighting her lips. She knew this was difficult for me.
“He looks just like me, Georgia.”
“I know,” she murmured before smoothing a hand across my cheek.
“It’s just . . . I feel like the paternity test is insulting. It’s like disowning him somehow. What if he is mine, and he finds out that I took a paternity test to prove it? Isn't that shitty? Like I didn’t want him?”
“No, he doesn’t have to find out . . . it’s not like that . . . and he would know, in here.” She pressed her palm to my chest, over my heart. “He would know you loved him, how much you love him.” Her eyes searched mine. I could see she needed answers. I’d been avoiding this conversation, avoiding making this decision because of the guilt I carried over it. His mom and I had been irresponsible one night and he’d been the result and I hated knowing that. I hated the thought he would someday find out he’d been unintentional. I’d felt unwanted my entire fucking life, and here I was repeating the cycle, albeit in a different form.
“I know what you’re thinking. I can see it in those big green eyes of yours.” She stroked her thumb along my eyebrow, trying to soothe the pain away. “You’ll love him if he’s yours. He’ll feel that every day. You just need to know.”
“And you need to know?” I looked at her, not an ounce of judgment in my voice.
“We both do.” Her eyes softened as her fingers continued to work on the skin behind my neck.
“What if he isn’t?” I muttered, worrying the rim of the coffee cup with my fingertips.
“Then someone else needs to know he’s his dad. He deserves the chance to be his dad. Just like you do if you are.”
“Yeah,” I mumbled thoughtfully.
“There’s a place in Wilmington. Maybe you could go together and have the test done.”
“They have to take his blood?” My eyes swung to hers with fear.
“No.” She smiled. “Just a cheek swab. No blood.” She kissed me full on the lips. I trailed my tongue along the seam, asking her to open to me. She did immediately, her lips pliable against mine. I wrapped my arm around her back and skimmed it up to her neck, holding her tightly, needing her to feel my love for her.
“Thank you.” I pulled away, leaving one last kiss on the corner of her mouth.
“I’ll set up an appointment, okay?”
“Okay.” I caressed the skin of her shoulder as I gazed out at the water, lost in my thoughts.
* * *
“Is this test going to tell if you’re my dad?” Trevor looked up at me, big innocent eyes trained on mine. My eyebrows arched up in surprise. Jesus, did Lexi tell him everything?
“Uhmm.” I shot her a glare. She shrugged her shoulders.
“I had to tell him; he kept asking me why he needed a test when he wasn’t sick.”
“She told me they’re testing my DMA.”
“DNA, buddy, and, yeah, they are. Just to tell us some things.” I ruffled his hair.
“Do you want to be my dad?” I opened the door of the clinic, my eyebrows shooting into my hairline.
“Yeah, of course. We have a lot of fun together, right?” I ran a hand through my hair. My heart galloped in my chest.
“Yeah, I told the kids at school how you took me to that baseball game and let me eat two hot dogs and nachos and have pop. Mom doesn’t let me have pop.”
“Shit, sorry,” I mouthed to Lexi. A small smile lit her lips. She really was pretty, in an obvious sort of way. It was no wonder I was attracted to her, and motherhood looked good on her. She seemed to be good at it, more mature for it. Her long blonde hair was twisted into a side braid, jeans and a fitted top hugging her form. She bent down and whispered something in Trevor’s ear. A frown danced across his face as he listened. I could see the resemblance between them. He may have had eyes that resembled mine, but the shape of his face and mouth were all her.
“I told him to stop asking so many questions.”
“Mom said you’re afraid of tests.” Trevor looked up at me. “I’m not afraid of tests. Mom says to just take deep breaths and stay calm when I have one at school. Want me to teach you?”
A smile lit my lips at his innocence. “Sure, buddy.” I placed a hand on his head and guided him to a chair in the waiting room while Lexi checked us in.
Fifteen minutes later, and we were walking back out the door. They’d swabbed our cheeks for DNA and now I was taking Trevor and Lexi to lunch. I’d left the decision up to Trevor where to go and he'd jumped on the chance at pizza, because apparently his mom didn’t let him have that very often either.
We slid into a booth, Trevor next to me, and Lexi across the table. Before we could even order a pizza, I ordered a beer. I needed something to calm the thumping of my heart. Georgia had been right: at least now we would know, because not knowing was starting to kill me. Only thing was, I was growing attached to the little guy, so if he wasn’t mine, that might kill me too.
Trevor rambled on about school and kids in his T-ball league as he picked the pepperoni off his pizza and ate all the cheese first before digging into the crust.
I was on my third beer when Lexi caught my attention. “Georgia’s nice.”
My eyes shot up in surprise. What was her game with this? Feeling me out? Seeing if I was ready to be a dad and a husband for her and Trevor? Because no fucking way, I was not signing up for that. If Trevor was mine I'd do everything I could for him but there was only one girl I wanted to tie myself to and it wasn't the blonde sitting in front of me. “Yeah,” I murmured and took another long draw of the amber liquid.
“It’s serious?”
“Serious enough to put a ring on her finger,” I muttered, unwilling to give her more information about Georgia. She was mine. That was between us. I wasn’t willing to let anyone else in our relationship.
“So the results will come to you, then?” She seemed to be making awkward conversation.
“That’s what they said, in thirty days or sooner.”
“Is she going to be all right if the test is positive?”
There it was. A snide comment. A snarky implication. “Are you trying to say something?” I angled my head to her.
“I just want to make sure she’s good for my son if she’s going to be in his life.”
My eyebrows shot up and I cleared my throat uncomfortably. “Georgia’s great with kids. She’ll be great.” I finished the rest of my beer and nodded the waiter over, signaling for the check. “Speaking of, I have to get back. Great seeing you, buddy. I’ll call you soon, okay? Be good for your mom.” I gave him a quick hug after he'd let me out of the booth.
“I’ll be in touch, Tristan,” Lexi called to my retreating form.
“I’m sure you will,” I murmured to myself as I exited the restaurant and sucked in a gulp of fresh sea air. I needed to get home and back to my normal life. And I also needed some scotch. Beer just wasn't enough to get me through this day.
Sixty
Georgia
It’d been a month since Trevor and Lexi had knocked on our door. A month since Tristan had faced the possibility of being a dad. He’d spent as much time with Trevor as he could while they were here, taking him to museums and baseball games, and talked to h
im nearly every night on the phone. Tristan was determined to make it work: to be civil with Lexi, and to be the right kind of dad to Trevor, whom he was all but convinced was his.
I was so proud of him for taking responsibility and embracing his new role as someone's dad, but there was also a piece of me that hated my dream was shifting again. My dream to marry Tristan and have kids together was altering. We could do that, but now there was a little tousled-haired boy that was evidence of a night Tristan had shared with someone else.
Being separated and waiting on the paternity test results was also starting to weigh in Tristan's eyes. Each night, we went to bed with an awkward silence, something unfamiliar between us.
I woke up on a Friday in August and knew I needed a break. I was sad that I needed a break from Tristan, but the truth was, he was currently in the midst of a lot of overwhelming, life-changing drama, and I needed time to process. I needed time to work through my thoughts without seeing his sad eyes peering back at me. I know he recognized the wall between us; it was just sad the wall was a beautiful little boy.
“Drew, come up. I need a girls’ weekend,” I moaned into the phone as soon as Drew picked up.
“Yeah?”
“The beach house is clear for the weekend. We’ll camp out over there, just like last summer, the three of us. I need you guys,” I nearly sobbed into the phone. Just the thought of a weekend with Drew and Silas had my emotions in overdrive. I needed my best friends. I needed them to help me forget and talk me through everything.
“Just the girls? No boys allowed?”
“Just Silas, I promise.” I beamed because I knew she was caving.
“’Kay, let me see if Mom and Dad will take Bennett for the weekend and Gavin can have man-time with Tristan. All these diapers and breastfeeding are getting to him.”
“Can’t wait to see you.”
“You too, honey.” Drew hung up and I set the phone on the counter, wrapping a chenille blanket around my shoulders and propping my feet up on the deck as the cool early autumn air swept my hair around my face.
I’d only seen Drew once since Bennett had been born and I was looking forward to some time to escape the drama that had inserted itself into my life over the past month.
* * *
“Honey, I’m home,” Drew's singsong voice echoed through the walls of the cottage. It felt like a repeat of last summer, except this time around, I was praying for less drama.
“Hey.” I locked her in a tight embrace. “How are you, and how’s my baby boy?”
“Everyone’s good.” She beamed. She looked so happy, blissfully so. Motherhood looked good on her. “In fact . . .” She held her left hand up and showed off a sparkling diamond the size of Texas.
“Jesus Christ, he could have fed a small country for the price of that.” Silas stepped into the kitchen, margarita in hand.
“Shut up.” Drew shot him a glare.
“Why the fuck do we need so much luggage to come for a weekend?” Gavin grunted as he let the bags fall from his shoulders. “We don’t even have the kid with us. Hey, Georgia.” He wrapped me in a one-armed hug.
“Hey, Daddy.” I smiled up at him. “Finally making an honest woman out of my girl.” I knocked my hip into hers playfully.
“She threatened bodily harm to my balls if I didn't.” He grinned and winked at Drew.
“Shut up.” She rolled her eyes before pecking him on the cheek.
“Where’s my man?”
“Office.” I nodded down the hallway.
“Don’t get too comfortable; you have to haul my stuff over to Georgia's house,” Drew called after him.
A snort sounded from down the hallway. It sounded like Gavin was in need of a guys’ weekend just as much as I was a girls’ weekend.
“Margarita, anyone?” Silas lifted the glass in his hand.
“Jesus, still an alcoholic, huh?” Drew knocked Silas in the arm.
“Hey, girls’ weekend; I'm letting loose.”
“I think you’re loose enough as it is.” Drew winked at me.
“Hey, married man, remember?” Silas lifted his hand and twisted the plain band on his ring finger.
“Right. Let’s get this weekend started.” She snatched Silas's drink and downed it in one guzzle.
“I thought you were breastfeeding?” I giggled at her.
“Oh, I am. I have to pump and dump.”
“Pump and what?” Silas's eyebrows knit together.
“After I drink I have to pump my breast milk and—”
“Okay, okay, TMI bitch. TMI.” Silas snatched his margaritas glass from her and turned to head out the door. Drew and I erupted into a fit of giggles.
“Babe! Bring my bags over to the beach house when you get a minute.”
Gavin huffed from down the hall and we all headed out the back door and made our way across the sand to the beach house. Silas poured us margaritas and we settled in for our weekend on the beach.
“So how’s it going, honey?” Drew curled her knees beneath her on the deck chair. We’d served ourselves with drinks and the three of us were perched on the deck, overlooking the rolling waves of the Atlantic.
“It’s going.” I sighed and sipped.
“Hardly,” Silas grumbled.
“Yeah?” Drew’s face turned down in sympathy.
It’s hard.” I shrugged.
“The baby-daddy situation is a bitch.” Silas took another long draw of his drink.
“I would imagine. So what are you going to do about it?”
I heaved a sigh and swirled the slushy concoction in my glass.
What was I going to do about it? “I have no idea.”
“Will you be supportive if he's Trevor's dad?” Drew’s deep brown eyes searched my face.
“Yes . . . I think so . . .” I murmured as thoughts swirled in my head.
“What does that mean?”
“It means I want to be.”
“She’s trying to force it. Don’t have guilt, love. This is your life, your decision. A little munchkin running around isn’t exactly what you signed up for when you tapped that.”
“Jesus, Silas.” I laughed.
“He’s right, G.” Drew’s eyes hit me with a serious glance. “So if he takes the test and he is the father,” Drew announced in her best Maury Povich voice, “what are you going to do?”
I chewed on my bottom lip as I thought about the possibility of Tristan being a dad. “I dunno.” In all honesty, the thought shattered my heart.
“Will you stay?” Drew asked softly as tears began to pool in my eyes.
“I don’t know that either.” A tear fell down my cheek and I wiped it away forcefully. I didn't want to be weak. I wanted to roll with this. I wanted to be there for Tristan, no matter what.
I glanced down at the ring he’d given me and swirled it around on my finger. The beautiful diamond ring representing our love. Our life together. The vows we were soon supposed to take, in sickness and in health.
I knew that I should stand by him, but it was all so much to process. Was I being inflexible? Was I sticking to the course, the dreams I had for myself, unwilling to deviate? That’s what had gotten me in trouble last summer. I thought that Kyle was my future, no matter what, even if our relationship had shifted to become less than ideal.
“I don’t know if I can be with someone who is a father to someone else’s kid.” The words escaped my mouth as guilt suffocated me. Thoughts of that beautiful little blond-haired boy, the one that may have Tristan's blood surging through his veins, possessed my mind. His beautiful deep green eyes and heart-stopping smile. Could I turn my back on the man I loved because of one decision he'd made years ago?
I didn’t want to. I desperately didn’t want to, but the fact was, it was so much easier said than done.
“Let’s face it; the kid is fucking cute. The real downer in this is bitchy-Barbie Lexi.”
“Silas.” I raised my voice before breaking out into laughter. The tequila was goin
g to my head and it felt good. “It’s so fucking true.” I giggled before taking another sip.
“Enough of the baby-daddy drama. More drinks!” Silas lifted his glass, downed it, and then jogged back into the house to make more.
That night, I tossed and turned in my bed at the beach house. Silas, Drew, and I had moved down to the beach, toes dipped in the water as we sat and talked and laughed and drank. I’d gotten too drunk and the three of us finally stumbled to bed. A few minutes later, I'd heard heavy footsteps and Drew’s bedroom door open and close. I knew she’d called Gavin to creep into her room—so much for girls’ weekend. Apparently, it was girls’ weekend until you were drunk and horny and wanted to slip between the sheets with your fiancé.
I heaved a sigh and turned up the music on my iPod, trying to drown out the thoughts in my head and the creaking of the bed next door. I’d sobered up a little and real life drama had crept back in. I thrashed to the other side of the bed and buried my head in the pillow. My legs twitched and the covers twisted around my feet.
I missed him.
It felt so foreign to sleep by myself. I chewed on my bottom lip, as I thought about him in our house alone just a few yards away.
I pulled a pair of shorts up my legs and padded barefoot down the hallway and out the door. My feet hit the sand and I rushed across the beach to our house, the one Tristan and I shared together. My eyes took in the moonlight reflecting silvery sparkles off the midnight blue water. I dug my toes into the sand and inhaled the salty sweet air. I was going to get my man. The one I belonged with, regardless of his past; he was my future.
I made my way up the deck and slipped in the door. The house was silent and dark, moonlight reflecting off surfaces and shadows dancing in the corners. I made my way down the hall to our room. I slipped in through the door and stood, watching his lean form in bed. He lay on his stomach, sheet outlining his lean muscled back, elbows cocked to the side, forearms beneath the pillow at his head.
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