But what if he didn't bother to look for her, she started to wonder. What if she really was not that important to him after all? What if his extreme levels of power and financial status made him not even care if she was gone from his life for good?
She let these questions flow over her, and for a few minutes felt a sense of complete freedom at the possibility. Then she made sure to bring her mind back to the here and now. There was no time for complacency in her thinking. If he never sought her out again, that was fine, but she had to keep moving forward as if he would. As if he most definitely would.
~~~~~
Looking around the bus destination she saw she was in a small town with a long but very quiet main street, and dotted around the outside of that were buildings and houses of all shapes and sizes, but in the distance Alexis could see vast land beyond the border of the mismatched structures.
Once again she determined to seek out public toilets, and somewhere that sold bus tickets. As she walked around she realised that despite her predicament, she had enjoyed a really good night's sleep, and the result was a new sense of energy and empowerment. She was alone. Some people would hate being in that situation. But she was alone and, at least for the moment, she loved it.
Walking through the main street she sighted some things she would require - the supermarket and the public toilets. But there was no bus terminal in sight, nor anything that seemed to be advertising a bus service.
Tentatively she stood still, wondering what to do next, when a man who seemed to be around her own age walked up to her.
"You look lost," he said, smiling at her. She jumped backward at the sound of his voice, which was remarkably similar to his. He immediately looked apologetic. "I'm sorry, I was not trying to cause you to have a heart attack," he said with a cheerful voice that told her he was only trying to be easy going and friendly.
Alexis looked at him carefully, the same paranoia immediately jumping into her mind. Was he planted to find her and take her back? If so, he would not know everything about this town already, so would hesitate in answering a question.
"I was hoping to find somewhere to buy a bus ticket. Can you tell me where I can do that?" she asked, holding her head up while keeping a strong gaze on his face, to read anything that might suggest he was not a town local, as he appeared.
He looked confused.
"You only just set foot off that bus over there, and already you want to go back to where you just came from?" he asked, with a look of amusement on his face. "What have we done in such a short time to make you want to return to wherever you have travelled from?"
Alexis found herself enjoying a moment - the first in a long while - where she thought that for once she could just enjoy an interaction without worrying if there was a consequence to come from it. But she fought the natural desire to laugh along with him - she could not let herself be so easily convinced that everything was normal.
"I …" she stuttered. "I was hoping to catch a bus somewhere else."
He looked closely at her face, thinking that this woman had definitely not done her homework.
"Lady, this is an end of the line town as far as the bus goes. It comes here from one town, and then it goes back to the same town shortly afterward. It does that five days a week. No other buses come here."
Alexis felt a deep feeling of regret in her heart. She had spent money on the bus fare, and now would have to backtrack with another ticket? How had her research not identified that this was a town she should avoid if she wanted to keep moving in one direction?
Suddenly the young man smiled at her, as if he had told a great joke.
"But there is a train that comes three days a week. Would that suffice?"
He heard her breathe a deep sigh of relief, mixed in with what seemed to be an equal measure of anger.
"Three days a week?" she asked timidly, feeling slightly relieved but already knowing in her heart what the answer to her next question would be. "Is there one coming today?"
He smiled at her with such an easy going smile that she realised she had forgotten what it was like to be so at ease in the world. To not worry so much. To not be afraid. To not feel like every little thing she did was a cause of pain to someone.
"One did pass through this morning but won't be coming back today. If you want to catch the next one you will have to stay here for two nights. Or get right back on that bus over there that you just arrived on, and scadoodle back to where you just came from."
Alexis forgot herself for a moment and laughed at him.
"Scadoodle?" she asked and found herself suddenly giggling uncontrollably. When she came back to herself, she realised she had forgotten just how good it felt to laugh - to really laugh. Why had she let all of her humour be taken from her? How had she let herself become so serious in her life? She was 21 years old. She felt like she was at least 50.
She focused on him once more and saw on his face that same look of amusement, with a slight grin and one eyebrow raised as if asking 'what on Earth is this girl about? It wasn't that funny.'
When she finally let the laughing go, she discovered another tiny amount of her stress had melted away, and resolved to not let that happen too often. But for now there was someone in front of her who seemed happy to help her, and for the first time in a long time, she felt relaxed around another human being.
"Okay, where can I buy a train ticket?"
He looked at her, seeing her face transform from happy to serious.
"At the train station. Would you like me to walk you there?" he asked, reading her mood change and not wanting to upset her, so let himself move down a gear into polite mode.
She nodded with a look of reluctance on her face.
"Only if I am not holding you up from your work, or whatever you are supposed to be doing. If you want, you can just point me in the…"
"It is no bother. I do not have anywhere I need to be, at this time of day. Come this way," he said and began walking away, Alexis following behind. Noticing her slowness, he slowed in his walking, expecting that then they would be walking side by side, but then he saw her walk slower still, so she was still behind him. Finally, out of his natural curiosity, he took his walking to an excessively slow speed, almost as if he were making fun or in a slow motion movie, just to see what she would do. Yet again she slowed right down, and stayed behind him.
Finally he stopped and turned to her. Startled, Alexis looked down at her feet, suddenly not raising her eyes to him. He found himself perplexed at the situation.
"Are you alright?" he asked her, and something about the sound of his voice made her still, serene and non-responsive … like she was waiting for something. "Hey, lady!" he said, more aggressively, and that seemed to wake her up from whatever trance she had been in.
Alexis looked at him in confusion. For a few moments she had felt like she was somewhere else, with someone else.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
He looked at her with a look of utter amazement.
"Where were you just then? You seemed to just … zone out."
He watched her face as she appeared to have difficulty processing what he had said, and he decided to wait patiently and not press her for any information. Finally he saw her face clear entirely.
"I am fine," she mumbled. "Thank you."
She then moved forward so she was beside him, and they continued their walk toward the train station, saying nothing more between them.
Alexis stood and read through the train timetable, trying to assess each name on the long list of places the train would stop at. None of them looked familiar and she wasn't sure where she should buy a ticket to, and all of a sudden she felt an overwhelming sense of uselessness flow over her. Her own mind started to kick at her through her thoughts, and in her head she could hear the cursing 'you are so stupid', over and over again.
Behind her she could sense that man - she didn't even know his name, but was very aware of him.
"Do you know where
you want to go?" he asked gently, speaking in a voice that was too much like…
Alexis jumped and moved away quickly, not letting herself be pulled into her fears in that moment. She wanted to be strong but in this moment - especially with his voice being so similar - it brought out in her too many memories. She stood aside - apart from him - and focused her eyes on him to reassure her mind that this man before her was not him. After a few minutes of them looking at each other, she found the strength to speak.
"Have you been to any of these places?" she asked and he nodded. "Which do you think will be most populated?"
He did not speak but found surprise at her questions. Instead he just pointed at the name on the list that he felt would most suit her needs. Alexis nodded and moved indoors to purchase the ticket. When she paid for it, she felt tearful as it would take a fair amount of the cash she had on her. But at least she would be further away. And when she was that, she could focus on rebuilding a new life.
With the ticket in her hand, she felt a brief sense of renewal.
"What will you do until you can catch the train?" the man before her was asking her. "Do you have somewhere you can stay?"
Suddenly the feeling of renewal and hope faded, as Alexis then realised that she would have to find accommodation - and that would take more money still. She cursed herself for not having just withdrawn all of her cash that morning, instead of purposely leaving it in her bank account. It had seemed a good idea at the time - not wanting to make it so obvious to him that she had left Melbourne and didn't intend to go back - but now that she had limited funds to survive on, she questioned whether it had been wise at all.
"I don't. Where do you suggest?" she asked the man in front of her, but was greeted with a further look of disbelief.
"There is only a pub to stay in here in town, and it is likely full, but we can go and check," he said softly and Alexis nodded and followed him.
After being told that there were no rooms for rent, Alexis found herself wanting to just sit down, go to sleep and not bother waking up again. This was a new level of deflation, even for her. What stupid situation had she now gotten herself into? Stuck in a town for two nights without somewhere to stay?
"I have a spare room at my house. Come with me and you can stay there," suddenly she was hearing in that voice again, startling her. "Now don't look like that. I can see that you are running away from something that might not be pleasant, but I'm only offering you a roof over your head for two nights. You can't sleep out here on the streets. It might look like a sleepy town but it has its bad folk, just as all towns do."
Alexis looked at him, dreading she was about to get herself into the same situation she had just run from. But what was the alternative? Like he had said, sleeping on the streets would not likely be any safer. Determined to at least be gracious, and not let him know her fears inside, she looked directly at him.
"Thank you."
He nodded in response and then looked away from her and began walking, and this time found her walking beside him. It was a twenty minute walk to his home and in that time they said nothing. He had questions starting to emerge in his head, but determined to keep them quiet, afraid of startling her.
As they began walking up a long path to an old homestead, Alexis felt her breath catch. Immediately, for a few minutes, she was transported outside of her mind and the thoughts that plagued her there, and she was aware of the beauty around her.
"Oh!" she breathed out, taking in the beauty of the house before her, with the verandah that seemed to engulf it completely on all sides that she could see, and the rose bushes that were climbing up trellis along the front of the verandah.
He stopped walking and looked at her, thinking for a moment that she was in pain, or had remembered something awful. When he looked closely at her, he was surprised that she seemed to have changed again, into someone who was now seeing something beautiful. She turned to him and looked him directly in the eye.
"This is your home?" she asked and saw him nod, with a confused look on his face, like he could not understand why she was being affected so much. "It is so beautiful," she whispered quietly, turning her view back to the homestead in front of her. Never in her life had she had anything beautiful, and she certainly had never lived - or even visited - anywhere with the kind of heritage and standing that the house in front of her had.
He laughed softly at her, still with a sense of confusion about who she was and what was intriguing her so much. To him it was the house he grew up in - nothing more, nothing less.
"Come inside," he said, turning away and beginning to walk again. It was only when he reached the front door and put in the key, that he realised she was not beside him. He turned around and saw her standing exactly where she had been, still seeming to drink in the sight before her.
"Oy!" he yelled out at her in amusement, to wake her up out of her daze. It seemed - surprisingly - to work, as he saw her blink and come back to reality, and walk up the path toward him.
Alexis found herself growing highly agitated and extremely hesitant when she stood at the front entrance. What was she doing? Going into the house of a man she didn't know?
He sensed her fear and spoke to her as he would to a stray kitten.
"I am going to go inside and I am going to leave this door open. If you want to come inside, please do. If you don't wish to, that is okay too," he said gently and then he was gone, leaving Alexis alone on the verandah.
She took a few minutes to decide what to do. She did not have any feeling about this man that told her he was like him - but then she had not had any feelings about him either before things had changed, and in doing so, had begun to change her. It was only two nights of shelter that she needed - what could happen in two nights, she asked herself. She felt a chill move through her and noticed that the weather was turning, and she did not desire to be out in the cold and rain when it did. Indecisive, she went to an outdoor sofa she saw along the verandah and sat on it … relaxed back into it … and just looked out at the rose bushes, breathing in the strong scent that was emanating from them.
Inside, under a blanket of confusion about the strangeness of the woman he had met, two cups of coffee were made and carried out to the verandah on a tray, along with milk, sugar and biscuits. He was not sure she would still be there when he got outside, but was relieved that she was, given the fear growing in him that this woman was going to try and sleep rough tonight, and he knew that could lead to any bad situation.
Alexis heard him come out and watched as he put the tray on the low coffee table in front of the sofa. Seeing the cups of coffee, she felt the hairs on her arms and back of her neck rise instantly, in fear of drinking anything she had not prepared herself.
"How many sugars do you have?" he asked, as if nothing were odd about the situation they had both found themselves in.
"I…" she stuttered. "I don't want any coffee," she continued, even though the smell of it was divine.
He shrugged it off as if it were no great deal, and put sugar and milk into his own cup, before sitting beside her - not too close - as far along as the arms of the sofa would allow. He took a long drink and she heard him let out an appreciative sigh, and when he looked at her he saw her looking at the cup longingly.
"Do you want some?" he asked again and she looked uncertain now, and the thought popped into his head of why she might not accept it from him. "If you are worried that I put something in your cup, here - take this one. Look," he said, taking a sip first so she could see it was alright. "It is fine."
Alexis found the cup handed out to her and she finally accepted it as she watched him put sugar and milk into the remaining cup, and take it for himself.
"Now, Missy, I can see that you probably don't want to talk about whatever is going on with you but I think that if you do want to stay here, we can at least exchange names, don't you think?" he asked and she sat quiet, not wanting to do that at all. "Well whether you wish to tell me who you are or not, I am
Anthony," he continued, and held out his hand.
Alexis shrunk back from the hand at first - an automatic reaction for her - before she took a deep breath and realised what he was doing, and put her hand in his.
"Anthony," she breathed out. It was a brand new name to her. She had never met anyone in person who had that name. But now he was looking at her expectantly and she did not want to disclose her name at all. She didn't want to lie, though, and find herself in a situation where he spoke to her and called her by that name, and she would not remember to respond to it.
He had always insisted on calling her Lexi, rather than her full name of Alexis, so she considered her name in her head and decided she could probably live with using the first half of her name from now on - that would not be too difficult to remember when spoken to, since in a vague memory she could remember her mother calling her by it.
"I am Allie," she said quietly, trying the name on for size and finding it was comfortable, and perhaps if anyone should come to this town looking for her, he might have forgotten her full name and not make the connection at all.
"Allie," he said quietly, looking at her face and reading all of the conflict and pain on it. "Well, welcome to my home, Allie," he continued, holding her hand tightly still, before she pulled it away.
They sat in silence, drinking their coffee while both deep in thought. He wanted to ask her questions but did not want to push her when she already seemed so wound up over whatever had happened to her. And the further away from Melbourne she was getting, the more Alexis felt like some of her humanity was returning, and so it was within her now to show some appreciation for this man's kindness - if that was what it would turn out to be - which she found difficult since she was afraid to speak and say too much.
Painful Deliverance Page 2