But it was more than that. And while a part of me only wanted to make this conversation about his behavior in the group, another part of me was afraid to say anything. Deeply terrified, in fact, because I knew nothing about this was simple. I liked him, I was attracted to him, I was…
I sighed. None of that mattered now. Maybe I was deluding myself into thinking that we could work out whatever his issue was and go back to… whatever it was that we were doing romantically.
Besides, a small voice in my head whispered, whatever you had was clearly not strong enough to survive whatever problem he’s having with you now. Why else would he look so angry?
I shut it down quickly, but not before I felt my spirits sink when I couldn’t find any counterpoint to the voice. It was right—if there was something there, really something there, he wouldn’t have acted this way. I knew Grey well enough to know that he would talk to me. If he still cared, that was.
Grey stared back at me, a muscle in his jaw ticking. “Well, it looks like you get what you want,” he muttered after a moment, his voice bitter.
I squinted at him. I recognized the sentence as bait, but I wasn’t sure how I wanted to play it. So instead, I looked around, and tried to formulate a response that would be neither incendiary, nor patronizing.
“Not everything,” I said, my eyes settling on him. “Because you’re still acting like I stole something from you. Is this a woman thing, is that it? Can’t stand a lady in charge?”
“Liana, this is no time to be glib. You—”
“Oh no?” I interrupted, raising an incredulous eyebrow. “It seems to me that in the face of all of this hostility, being glib might be the only thing that gets me out of it without…”
I trailed off, snapping my teeth closed around the next part—without losing you—because I wasn’t even sure I had him to begin with at this point. How could I be, after all this? We’d shared some moments, sure. He’d saved me, yes, and I’d saved him… I’d thought that meant something.
“Without what?” Grey demanded, but I shook my head.
“I don’t owe you that,” I said. “Not until you explain to me what is going on with you. We were fine one moment, then the next… it was like a switch was flipped and you became a different person.” Grey glowered at me, the muscle in his jaw working much faster. “What happened?” I asked beseechingly. “Is it because everyone wanted me to be the leader instead of you?”
The incredulous face Grey made reminded me of a child who had just been asked to take out the food composting bin to send to the greeneries, and it made me smile in spite of my anger. When he smiled in return, I realized it had been intentional. As brief as it was, the smile was like a breath of wind on the dwindling spark of hope that had been threatening to flicker and die, and my heart thudded hard once.
Grey seemed to take a moment for himself, and I waited, watching as he visibly pushed back some of the anger weighing on him, replacing his expression with a less angry one.
“Do you really think I’m that petty?” he asked, but there was no recrimination in his voice.
“I don’t know!” I replied honestly, and he winced slightly. “I’m sorry, Grey, but… this is the first time you’ve acted this way in the time I’ve known you, and it’s really upsetting. I mean, if you have concerns about me leading, then you should just talk to me about them—not get all passive aggressive and then blow up at the drop of a hat!”
Grey winced again, and then looked around the room, his face flashing from angry to frustrated and back again over the course of several long seconds.
“You’re right,” he finally said. “My behavior has been deplorable.”
He spoke so stiffly and formally, that it was all I could do to resist reaching out and shaking him. I didn’t want him blindly agreeing with me; I wanted him telling me what was wrong. I wanted him to reassure me that he wasn’t upset with me, that I hadn’t done something to make him hate me. Not this shroud of stiffness he was giving me.
I stared at him, trying to wordlessly convince him to tell me more, but he remained silent.
“Are all human conflict resolution attempts so… bereft of actual discussion?”
Leo’s voice rang out around the room, and I spun around. I had all but forgotten he was still here, listening to every word.
“Oh great,” Grey said, folding his arms. “Now we have a spectator.”
I rolled my eyes at him, and then looked around. “Leo, can you please give us some privacy?”
There was a pause. “Liana, as I told you before, I can’t actually shut off my receptive features. I’m always watching and listening to what happens in this room. Lionel ordered it that way, and it’s a command I cannot override. He wanted me to learn.”
“Fantastic,” Grey barked. “Not only are we stuffed together down here like fish in a breeding pool, but now we can’t even get a moment’s privacy! You know what—forget this, I’m out of here.”
He began to move toward the vent, but before I could stop myself, I walked over to the vent and blocked it, standing directly in his path. He towered over me, his brown eyes growing darker.
“Let me go,” he demanded.
“No—not until you tell me what is going on with you!” I said hotly, taking a step forward. “Based on what you said yesterday, you think I’m really going to suck at this?”
Grey automatically shook his head. “No, of course not—”
“Then you are just hung up over the fact that you think we don’t need a leader.”
“It’s not that ei—”
I cut him off again, angered beyond belief that he was making me drag the truth out of him, that he was making me interrogate him like this.
“Well, then you must think I shouldn’t do it because of what happened! I mean, you told me you weren’t angry at me over Roark, but with how you’re acting now…”
I trailed off, giving him a pointed look, and was surprised to see concern and mortification begin to draw over his face.
“Is that really what you think?” he asked softly, his anger strangely absent from his words.
“Well, I don’t know what to think, do I?” I replied in exasperation. “You aren’t talking! I can’t read your mind to know what’s going on with you. All I can do is ask you about it, and you have to tell me. Otherwise… this isn’t going to work.”
Grey was silent for a long time, his eyes glued to the floor. “What do you mean by ‘this?’” he finally asked.
I knew the question was about us… but I wasn’t sure what he was asking me. After all, he was the one who had been acting so angry and out of control—wasn’t it him who was unhappy?
“Being a member of the group,” I said lamely, avoiding discussing it. “Everyone else is also upset at how you’ve been acting, and they don’t get it either. I know we’re all tired and drained by what has happened. I know we’re also scared, because now we don’t know what we’re going to do. But that doesn’t mean—”
Grey gave out an irritated tsk and shook his head. “No, no, and no,” he said. “I mean, yes, I am all those things, but no. That’s not why I’m upset.”
“Then what is it?” I snapped.
“It’s you!” he shouted loudly, his own temper snapping, and I took a step back, and then another, my eyes growing wide. “That came out wrong,” he added quickly.
He hesitated, and I waited, my heart in my throat as he seemed to struggle with what he wanted to say next. The moment stretched out for what seemed like an eternity, and then he reached for my shoulders and yanked me to his chest, crushing me close to him.
“I’m… I’m worried I’m going to lose you,” he admitted hoarsely. “And you’re all I have left.”
The pain and fear in his words made me look up at him, causing my own pain to recede some and that warm lightness that he inspired in me to return.
He did care. He was just acting angry because he was afraid for me. And while that anger had been irritating and confusing, the f
act that it had been inspired by concern for me and my safety was a great way of defusing my own anger and hurt.
“Grey…” I hesitated, and then tentatively reached up to touch his face. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but… I think you may have overcompensated.”
I meant it as a joke, but Grey let out another frustrated breath and let go of me, moving to walk away. It happened so quickly that it took me a moment to register what was happening and recalibrate. I watched him as he paced, suddenly afraid that I had said the wrong thing, but was prevented from saying anything as he turned around to face me.
“You don’t get it,” he said emphatically. “You don’t think I know I’m acting like a crazy person? Believe me, I know. I’ve been beating myself up about it since yesterday! But… you’re the leader now, Liana!”
Now I was confused again. It was one thing for him to be worried about me in general, but what did being the leader have to do with anything?
“Grey, what does—”
“Cali,” he said flatly. “Roark.”
Realization dawned on me then, and I felt stupid for not having figured it out before.
Grey wasn’t just worried about me; he was worried about me being in the position of leader. Because the leaders were the ones who were targeted and killed. Just like our own had been.
He wasn’t worried that I was in danger—he knew that we all were. But that wasn’t what he was having a problem coping with. It was the fact that I and everyone else had put me in a more prominent position, and that meant becoming a bigger target for our enemies.
“Grey, I can’t help how everyone voted,” I reminded him, and he gave me an annoyed look.
“You could’ve consulted with me first!” he said.
I raised an eyebrow. I knew that if Zoe had heard that, she would’ve gone off on him that I didn’t owe him any part in my decision-making process, but I couldn’t help but feel bemused and a bit flattered. He wanted to be part of my decision-making, and if I was perfectly honest with myself, I wanted to be a part of his. But still… that didn’t mean he had a leg to stand on.
“Okay, but when would you have liked to have had that discussion?” I asked. “Between when they were volunteering me for the job and when you lost your cool?”
To Grey’s credit, he flushed a deep red and had the good grace to look embarrassed. “I know I handled it wrong,” he mumbled. “I just… Everything’s moving so fast, and… I mean, you have your friends and everyone. But you’re it for me, Liana. The last person I have who cares about me and who I care about. My parents… Roark…” He trailed off and looked at me, his eyes filled with emotion. “I’m trying to be okay with this, Liana—but all I can think about is what happens if Devon catches you and finds out you’re in charge, and it scares me.” He turned away from me then, breaking off before he grew too upset.
I hesitated, and then crossed the room to him. He stood with his back to me, so I simply slid my arms around his waist and hugged him from behind. I rested my head on his shoulder blade.
“Grey…” I said. “I didn’t know any of that.”
He gave a bitter chuckle, and I felt him shaking his head, his shoulder moving slightly beneath my cheek.
“How could you? I didn’t exactly use my words like a big boy.”
I laughed, surprised by his self-depreciating joke, and loosened my arms enough to move in front of him. He immediately wrapped his arms around me, one hand coming up to cup my cheek.
“Can you forgive me for being a stupid idiot?” he asked softly. “I know I don’t deserve it after being such a monumental jerk.”
“Ass,” I corrected playfully, and was relieved to see a smile—a genuine and full one that lasted longer than a heartbeat.
“Ass,” he conceded amicably. “So… can you?”
I gave him a considering expression, studying him. “I don’t know…” I drawled. “I mean, I’m beginning to see some pretty serious flaws with this model.”
He laughed, his chest leaping under where my hands were settled, and I leaned into him, needing his arms tighter around me. He held me that way for a long time, and I felt reassured by them, by him.
“You know, it’s ironic that all of the things that make you a great leader are the things that I’m highly attracted to,” he said, breaking the quiet. “I think that pretty much means I’m doomed.”
I laughed, mainly because he did not sound like he was opposed to my particular brand of doom, and looked up at him. “Can I tell you a secret?” I asked, and he nodded. “I’m scared by all this too.”
His arms tightened around me, pulling me even closer to him. “I know… I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you last night. But I promise, Liana… I promise I will do everything I can to keep you safe. I may not be leadership material, but if there’s one thing that I know I have to be good at, it’s taking care of you. And I want to, if you’ll still allow me. Jerkiness aside.”
I licked my lips. “Please,” I said, practically begging him. I was sure if Zoe had heard me, she would have chastised me for even admitting that I needed his emotional support, but I wasn’t going to lie about that, not even for the sake of my pride. I was scared, and I felt alone, even with everyone around. I needed this, and I was just glad he was willing to give it to me.
Still, the coldly practical part of my brain reminded me that if we were going to try building a relationship during this chaos, then there needed to be some ground rules for us when we were around the others. And for us in general—so that this tangled bit of drama never happened again.
“Will you just promise to come talk to me first before you get all upset in future?” I asked, breaking the silence that had stretched between us.
“Of course,” he said, his eyes warm and bright now. “You know, I’ve never had a girlfriend before... So I’m figuring all this out too.”
I bit my lip, unable to stop the grin from spreading across my face. “You think I’m your girlfriend?”
Grey’s response was physical, and he stooped down and kissed me before I had a chance to even realize what he was about to do. His lips met mine with a force that left me breathless, and a hot hunger seemed to rise up from the soles of my feet, until I was grabbing him and kissing him back.
He slid one strong arm around my back, and then held me tight to him as he lifted me up one handed. I shuddered at the strength there, and wrapped my legs around his hips, desperate to be as close to him as possible. He growled, and I felt us move a few steps, stopping only when my back hit the side of the bookcase. I reached out with my hands, grabbing for anything to support myself as I drowned in his kiss.
I heard several things drop to the floor with a thud as I stretched my arms out over the shelf, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was the feel of his tongue and teeth nipping at my lips, demanding them to open and let him inside, and a hunger that only he could satisfy.
His hands slid from my hips to my waist, slowly inching up, and I moaned, excited by what would happen next.
“See, this doesn’t exactly jive with conflict resolution models that I’ve studied either—has there been some sort of breakthrough? Oh! Has this society become less puritanical about sex?!”
We broke apart as soon as Leo started talking, stunned by both his interruption and the sudden fire that had erupted between us, and Grey immediately set me down and took a healthy step back, trying to collect himself.
My breathing was ragged, and my lips felt bruised and swollen. “Leo… seriously?”
“Seriously what?” he chirped, suddenly reforming next to me. I jumped slightly, and then glared at him.
“Privacy!”
The AI smirked unapologetically. “This is my room. I suggest that if you want to continue your little scene, you go find one of your own.”
I opened my mouth to object, and then realized he was right and shut it. It was good he had interrupted us, I realized a heartbeat or two later. The way we were going, I wasn’t sure that we should be on o
ur own, and if he hadn’t interrupted… I shuddered to imagine what he would’ve seen if he hadn’t. I realized I owed Leo an apology, and started to give it, when Grey’s voice brought me up short.
“Liana… look.”
I turned toward the wall behind me, and realized that when I had been blindly groping earlier, I had accidentally hit a painting dangling on the wall. I must have hit it hard, because it was now dangling at an angle revealing an obvious hinge attached to some sort of metal door that had been completely hidden when the painting had been upright.
I exchanged a look with Grey, and within seconds we were lifting the painting away and setting it to one side, revealing a safe underneath.
“Leo… what is this?” I asked, my eyes tracing the shiny black surface. There didn’t appear to be a handle to open it, and the edges were flat with the wall. Grey reached out and stroked his fingers over the surface, and it immediately lit up, flashing red.
“Unauthorized user,” a synthesized voice said.
“I don’t suggest you touch it again,” Leo said. “The safe can defend itself.”
Grey snatched his hand away and looked back at the hologram. “Can you open it?”
Leo didn’t bat an eye. “No.”
I looked at Grey and then back at Leo. “Are you lying?” I asked.
There was a fraction of a second in which he hesitated, but I saw it. “The safe is classified—I will not open it unless I feel that something inside is of critical importance. The safe is hermetically sealed for preservation, so I will not expose any of its contents unnecessarily without just cause, and that’s really all I have to say on the matter.”
I pressed my lips together, studying him. “Is it dangerous?”
“What? No! And there is more than one item in there. Now, that really is all I have to say on the matter. You’re free to try to hack in, of course, but I won’t help you. And I certainly won’t stop the system from hurting you.”
The Girl Who Dared to Think 2: The Girl Who Dared to Stand Page 12