by K. V. Rose
But I was at the funeral, even if I felt like I wasn’t.
Even if I didn’t say a word.
I was there, and Benji was, too. We both regret the fact he never met my mom, even when he had a chance. It was a way to keep himself at a distance, and with me avoiding her and her inevitable death, well, I didn’t particularly want him around her, either.
Now, I wish they’d met. I wish it so fucking much, and Benji has apologized for it a million times over, even though it wasn’t really his fault.
Dad met him, but he’s so stuck in his own grief that he didn’t have much to say to or about him. Which is fine, I guess. I saw his eyes linger on his tattoos. Benji had his sleeves pushed up, almost as if he wanted Dad to see what kind of man he was on first glance. Not that Dad would know that, of course.
He doesn’t even know about what happened with Rolland Virani. Strangely, it wasn’t in the news. And no one was bothering Dad with much work stuff, not to mention I assume Benji’s hushed conversations with the cops are to blame for that.
Although blame isn’t really the right word. I’m not ready to talk to Dad about any of that shit yet.
Tess didn’t tell her mom, either, and she joins us all on the weekends sometimes, although she’s quieter than usual. More subdued. She was there for me when Mom passed. Spent all week with me, at my house. Benji let her take up that space, let me have my own to grieve.
But as I ride in his passenger seat now, headed to who-knows-where, I think about how he didn’t want to. How he learned how to text me more than one word. How he admitted he didn’t text me much before because he was worried Rolland had a tracker on his phone and would get to me.
Which he did get to me. But now he’s gone.
Just like Mom.
Two people with opposing souls, gone on.
As if he’s reading my mind, Benji’s fingers lace through mine. I smile, still staring out the window at the darkening sky. It’s Monday night, and we’ve already ate dinner at Riley and Caden’s place.
They’re sickening in their affection for each other.
I like it.
“Where are we going?” I ask Benji softly. The first time I’ve asked him. By now, I trust him. He was there for me, right when I needed him to be. I assume we’re dating, because we spend all of our free time together. But we’ve never had a talk. And I still don’t know that he doesn’t still care for Bianca in some way.
I haven’t pressed him about it again.
But Benji doesn’t answer me and he doesn’t have to, because he turns down a dirt road and I know we’re at Briar’s only park, a North Carolina state park.
The high beams click on automatically and he drives slowly down the bumpy road, forest edging both sides of it. I watch the darkness, peering into the thick of the trees but not seeing much of anything. I have no idea why we’re here, but this is Benji after all.
He does weird shit like this.
When we reach the parking lot, which is empty because it’s the middle of the night, he double parks and then turns off the car, killing the lights.
He looks over at me, my hand still in his.
“Ava,” he whispers quietly. In the darkness of the car, and the darkness around us, it sounds so sensual.
I clench my thighs together, feeling that familiar flow of blood toward my core. We’ve had a lot of sex since the night Mom died, and I hope it never slows down.
“Yes?” I ask him, shifting in my seat to face him.
“What do you want from me?”
My heart thuds in my chest, my brows narrow. I thought it was kind of obvious. “I…what?” I ask him, letting go of his hand.
He blows out a breath, his dark eyes on mine. “What do you want from me? Do you want this?” He gestures between us. “Do you want less? More?”
I shake my head, confused. “I thought…” I trail off, suddenly feeling stupid. This is not what I expected from tonight. I sensed he’d been giving me some emotional space since Mom died but I didn’t know he was planning on bringing this to an end, which is kind of what it sounds like right now.
He probably needs to fly home. He probably is sick of being there for a weeping college girl.
My throat feels dry and I try to swallow but it’s hard to breathe.
“You thought what?” His voice is flat. I have no idea what he’s thinking right now and it scares me.
I rub my hands down my jeans. “I thought we were…I thought you were…” I take a shaky breath. “I thought you were mine,” I finally say.
Silence.
He doesn’t say a word. Seconds tick by and I’m so glad it’s dark inside this car because my face is on fire.
This was a mistake.
I’m an idiot.
I fumble in the dark, reaching for the door handle, but it’s locked when I pull it.
“Where are you going?” he asks me, not commenting on my admission. My confession.
I keep my hand on the handle and press my head against the cool glass of the window. “If you’re going to let me go, let me go.”
I hear him swallow, like he’s nervous, and for some reason, that makes me feel a little better.
But only a little.
Because no matter what he’s done, Benji is a good man. And maybe he’s just nervous about breaking a sad girl’s heart.
Fuck.
“You want this?” Benji asks me quietly.
I close my eyes and nod, wondering if he can see me in the dark.
“Even with…everything I do?” he presses, letting me know he did see me.
“Even then,” I whisper, head still pressed against the glass, eyes still closed tight.
“Bianca doesn’t mean anything to me, Princess,” he says softly. “Not anymore. Not for a long, long time.”
I feel relief spread through my veins like a welcome warmth, but I don’t say anything. Something tells me he isn’t finished just yet.
“But you…you do.”
I stop breathing.
“You mean the world to me. And I wasn’t sure, at first…if what I do, what I am…if it would break you. I’m still not sure. But watching you drive that goddamn knife into Rolland’s back…” He whistles and I can’t help but smile, even though what he’s saying is so strangely morbid. “I knew I wouldn’t break you. But you…well, Princess, you were the one to break me.”
I feel his hand on my arm and turn to face him, holding his gaze in the dark car.
“What if…” I swallow past the lump in my throat as his hand moves up to cup my face. I lean into it, savoring his warmth. “What if you go back to prison?” I ask him quietly. “What do I do then?”
His hand stills on my cheek and he looks away. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked him. Maybe he doesn’t want to think about the time he was in prison. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk about this. But I don’t really care. It’s a reality we could both be facing, and it’s one I don’t want.
It’s not just dealing drugs that Benji does. It’s fucking murder.
He looks back at me, and his fingers trail down to my throat, gentle and feather-like. I shiver against his touch.
“I quit,” he says quietly.
Now it’s my turn to freeze.
What?
He continues before I have to ask. “I quit,” he says again, quietly, shrugging. “I handed over the business to my partner.”
I thread my fingers through his on my face. “You…what?” I ask, shaking my head. I hear him huff a laugh. “Are you serious?”
He laughs again, one hand on the steering wheel, the other still on my face. He’s turned completely to face me. “Yes, I’m serious. I told you, you broke me.”
“But what about…what about money?” I feel kind of petty asking it, and the reality is, I’ll have enough for both of us, but that doesn’t seem like something Benji would want. Living off of me.
“You really think I’m worried about money?” he asks me quietly.
“I mean…no. But I am.”<
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He laughs and threads his hand in my hair, pulling me closer to the center console. My hand goes to his corded forearm. I can feel his muscles beneath his jacket.
“We’ll be fine, Princess. More than fine.” I see his eyes flick to my mouth, and I want to move closer to him, but this fucking console is in my way. “That house Caden and Riley bought? We’ll have one like that. If you want it.”
“You want me to…you want me to move to Canada?” But Dad…I don’t know if he could cope if I left, although it’s not as if he’s been speaking to me much since Mom. But I know that’s his way of handling his grief. I don’t want to make it worse.
Benji’s fingers tighten in my hair. “You have to finish school, Princess,” he says quietly, leaning closer to me, pressing his brow to mine. I close my eyes and breathe him in. “But when you’re ready…yeah, I do want you to move. To be with me.”
“And if I don’t?” I ask, already knowing I will.
He pulls my hair gently, forcing my head up, my neck arched. I open my eyes, see him watching me.
“I’ll stay here with you until you change your mind.”
And then, abruptly, he lets me go and gets out of the car.
I sit up straight, confused, trying to find him in the sideview mirror but I can’t see him. Then a second later, he’s opening up my door and pulling me out by my arm.
“Benji, what the hell?” I ask him as he slams the door closed and keeps a firm grip on my arm as he leads me into the woods. It’s so fucking dark out here that it takes my eyes a few seconds to adjust and I nearly trip as we head off the dirt path and into a thick cluster of trees.
It’s not cold enough for my breath to fog, but it’s still pretty damn cold. I’m wearing a pink jacket and jeans, and thankfully, sneakers.
“What are you doing?” I ask him ahead of me, but he doesn’t look back, he just keeps pulling me deeper into the woods.
Finally, after I stumble in the leaves and dirt, he stops, then pushes me up against a tree, his hand on my chest, eyes on mine.
“You want this, right?” he whispers against my mouth.
My heart is pounding in my chest, my hands fisted down by my side. God, I do want this but we’re not really about to have sex in the woods are we?
I nod, unable to find my damn voice.
His hand trails down my jacket, slips beneath it and my shirt, his fingers warm on my stomach.
“Then you’ll move with me,” he whispers, his hand moving up to my bra, his thumb dipping into it, caressing my nipple which hardens against his touch. My breath catches but I still can’t speak. With his other hand he unbuttons my jeans, pulls the zipper down. “Won’t you?” he asks as he slips his hand into my panties, cupping me.
My knees feel weak and I take a deep breath, unable to look away from him as he works my nipple and my clit, still staring at me, waiting for my answer.
“Won’t you, Princess?” he asks again, and he stops moving his thumb over my clit, but he pinches my nipple.
“Y-yes.” The word comes out hoarse and I see him smile in the dark.
“Good girl.” And then his mouth comes down on mine as he pushes his hand further down my pants and slips two fingers inside of me. He laughs on my mouth as he feels how wet I am for him, for this.
“You’re mine,” he says against my lips. “No matter what happens Ava, you’re mine.”
He slides his fingers up my slit and I push my hips into him, wanting him back inside of me. But he pulls away from me, slides his hand down my stomach and out from underneath my shirt, before it comes to rest against my throat, his fingers curling gently around me.
“And I know what I said, before, about how my relationship was,” his thumb brushes back against my clit again and I whimper. He doesn’t laugh this time. “But that’s not how this is going to work between us, you got it?” His fingers tighten a little against my throat, his other thumb circling me as I bite back another moan.
I nod. “Got it,” I choke out.
“That means you’re not fucking your professor again, understand Princess?”
I nod again.
“Say it,” he growls, his breath caressing my cheek.
“I got it,” I whisper, not wanting him to stop. I’m so fucking close. I buck my hips against his thumb.
“No.” He shakes his head, his hand going to the back of my neck and jerking me closer. “Say you’re mine, Ava.”
I whimper, the climax building, but I know if I don’t say it he’s going to stop and that cannot happen.
“I’m yours,” I gasp out, just as he slides two fingers back into me, still rubbing me, and my orgasm makes me clench around him, bursting through me as he presses his temple to mine.
“God, Benji,” I whisper, breathing hard, the vibrations echoing through me. He doesn’t stop, letting me finish completely.
His lips meet mine in a sloppy kiss. “I want all of your orgasms to be on my hand or my cock from here on out,” he says against my mouth.
Slowly, he pulls his hand out from my pants and brings his fingers to his mouth between us. He sucks on them, watching me watch him, and he groans, slowly pulling his fingers out of his mouth.
“Let’s go to my place,” he says, buttoning and zipping up my pants. “I want to fuck you on my bed.”
Epilogue
One Year Later
“Alright, Princess, close your eyes.”
Ava does, squeezing them tight, and beside her, laughing, Riley covers them with her hand, making Ava groan. But I know my girl, and she’s been known to ruin a good surprise or two.
Shade is closed, because who goes to a club on Monday night? Even in Toronto, it’s just not worth it to have it open. Caden has his beer in his hand beside Riley in the big, circular booth and I see his wedding band gleam in the candlelight overhead.
He winks at me.
Beside him, Felix looks bored as hell, his mop of black hair in his hands.
And on Ava’s other side, Tess is watching me carefully. She knows what’s about to happen and to be honest, I’m not sure if she’s happy about it or not. She’s been the hardest of Ava’s friends and family to win over. After what happened with Rolland, I’m shocked she even wants to be in the same room as me, let alone fly up to Toronto and stay at my house.
Which is also Ava’s house.
I set the cake down, candles flickering. It’s carrot cake. I personally find that disgusting, but Ava adores it.
I try to dig the ring out of my back pocket, sweating for a second thinking maybe I forgot it, but then I realize it’s in the other pocket.
Caden laughs and I glare at him.
Bastard.
Ava moved here over the summer and her dad had threatened me with murder if I didn’t put a ring on her finger before she moved, but I didn’t want to do it because he said so. And he did it in front of Ava. I knew she wouldn’t want that, either. She’s been volunteering at one of the local hospitals, on the cancer wing, because she’s not able to work yet due to work permits taking so damn long in Canada.
Truth be told though, I don’t mind. I don’t think she does either. Selling off my “business” to Felix, whose dark eyes are boring into mine right now as he runs a hand over his head, gave us enough money to make employment the least of our concerns right now.
Plus, Shade is opening up a second location in NYC, which will hopefully transition into me getting dual citizenship. With one of my fake passports. Which Ava hates, but with her family and friends being in the States, I have to be able to travel somehow and I don’t want to deal with the legal requirements to travel as a felon when I’ve got a perfectly good and illegal way to do so without that hassle.
I look awkwardly around everyone beside Ava, who is growing impatient, judging by that scowl on her perfectly pink lips. My heart starts to thud in my chest and I think about the Xanax I haven’t had refilled in nearly a year.
Fuck.
Guess this is what it feels like to deal with normal
human emotions. Like anxiety when you realize you have no way to get on your knees in front of the girl you want to be your wife because you packed all her friends too close beside her in a goddamn booth.
Caden sees my predicament and keeps his eyes on mine as he takes another pull from his beer, being incredibly unhelpful as usual.
Riley, who has circles under her eyes from all of her grad schoolwork at U of T, flicks her brows up, telling me to hurry the fuck up. She’s still got her hand over Ava’s eyes.
I clear my throat. I’ll just have to do this standing up.
“You can open your eyes now,” I say, and Riley moves her hand.
Ava’s blue eyes meet mine across the dancing flame of the candle, and then her entire face lights up as she sees the ring I’m holding in my hand across from the table. I lean over it, offering the ring to her, careful not to fucking burn myself on the candles. I don’t know if most people propose with cake—Caden sure as fuck didn’t but then again he didn’t even ask—but it seems right for Ava.
“Princess,” I say, my voice shakier than I thought it would be, “I know your American dad will be pissed off he couldn’t make it tonight, but he’s already pissed I waited so long to ask you, so,” I take a deep breath, “will you do me the honor of marrying my sorry Canadian-Puerto Rican ass?”
She holds my gaze a second, making me wait, and then turns to look at Tess. “Move it, please,” she says lightly, and Tess rolls her eyes but slides out of the booth.
“You could just say yes now,” I say nervously, hating the silence that’s grown over our little group now as Ava keeps making me wait.
She slides out of the booth as Tess lets her by, and then comes to stand in front of me.
“I would love to marry you, Benji Silva,” she says quietly, a smile tugging on her lips. “But you gotta get on your knees for this.” She leans into me, standing on her toes, and whispers for only me to hear, “God knows I do enough for you,” and my fucking dick swells at those words. They’re true enough.
So I drop to my knees.
Riley laughs. “Never thought I’d see the day,” she murmurs, and I resist the urge to flip her the bird. Now that Ava knows I don’t want Riley in that way, not again, they’ve become pretty close. Not close enough for all of us to sleep together—the thought of Caden putting his hands on Ava kind of makes me want to vomit, even if it also kind of turns me on because, well, I’m me—but close in a family way.