It took far too much willpower for me to not imagine his body all naked and wet in the shower. Those thoughts were way too new to me, and frankly at a time like this, unwelcome. I didn’t need to think about that when I had an attack on the Order to plan. Really, Liz should’ve been here too. Planning was her department.
My legs drew me into the kitchen, where Crixis was cooking both a pork roast and a few side dishes. We’d eat like kings tonight, for after tomorrow, well, there might not be another one, if we failed. I didn’t believe that we’d fail, per se, it’s just with my pessimism, I wanted to be ready for failure, just in case.
I leaned on the small table, nearly knocking the newspaper that sat atop it off. “So,” I started, shooting him a dirty look. Crixis didn’t even pause to look at me. “What’s going on with Liz?”
“Right now,” he said, speaking to the stove, “I believe it’s none of your business, you nosey little Purifier.”
“I’m not a Purifier,” I said. “I quit before we even knew the Order was the Council.” Which was also beside my point. “What could be more important than figuring out the plan? I spent most of the plane ride asleep, so—”
That got Crixis to slowly turn to me, his green eyes heavy and serious, very non-murderous. It startled me to see him like this. “Believe it or not, Kass, there are some things that are more important than what happens tomorrow.”
I scoffed, revealing my cynical and jaded self, “Not if we die storming the castle, there’s not.”
“You won’t die storming the castle.”
I did not particularly like the look that crossed Crixis’s face when he replied. Too serious, too solemn, too grave. He looked so very different than his usual, murderous self, and it was hard for my mind to realize the Crixis before me was the same Crixis who killed Koath.
He added, “Life moves forward, Kass, even when you don’t realize it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life, it is that. Life just goes on.”
I also didn’t like the way heaviness hung on his words, like he was trying to give me a life lesson or something. I didn’t need a life lesson. I didn’t need any lessons. He wasn’t Raphael. That lying Daywalker was gone, replaced by a murdering one instead. I definitely didn’t need any lessons from Crixis. Whatever Crixis thought he was saying? Wouldn’t help. Not even a little bit.
When I didn’t respond, Crixis added quietly as he returned to cooking, “Someday you’ll understand.”
Gritting my teeth, I muttered, “You know, I think I liked you better when you went around trying to kill me. This Crixis? He’s annoying.” I turned and, without waiting for him to speak, walked away. I didn’t meet Max’s inquisitive stare as I walked past him in the living room. He’d pulled the thick blanket off the side of the couch and draped it over his legs, making himself quite at home in Liz’s sister’s house, considering neither Liz nor her sister were here.
Besides, if he wanted to ask about my encounter with Crixis, well. He heard enough. He surely eavesdropped. It’s what I would’ve done.
I headed through the narrow hall and up the dimly lit stairs, gripping the railing a bit tighter than I should’ve. I might’ve cracked it a little, but whatever. Crixis was so sure we’d survive tomorrow, but I wasn’t. One cracked rail wouldn’t matter, not if the Order got what they wanted. And if they didn’t, Liz would just have to apologize to Amelia for me. I was no good at apologies anyway.
How could Crixis be so confident? Going against the Order, the Council, was the most important thing we’d ever done. It would also be the hardest. Stabbing John without knowing what he was, while hardcore crushing on him, was easy compared to this. Out of everything I’d been through, we’d been through, this was the finale. The final countdown, the last roll call. This was the end of it all, and he was so fricking confident that we’d survive. How?
The guy was immortal, so clearly he wouldn’t die. The rest of us? Not immortal. Very mortal, actually, in spite of my recently risen-from-the-dead status. I hadn’t seen my mother since then, hadn’t had any visions, either. Dying and coming back, for as great as it was, turned my life upside-down. A part of me missed what I had before. A weird type of innocence. My visions had become normal to me, my usual routine. Now I was just fumbling around like everyone else.
I did not like being like everyone else.
In fact, I kind of hated it. I didn’t realize it until now, but I liked being a little special. I liked having something unique about me no one else could say they had. Yes, I was aware that most girls my age couldn’t say they died or fought Demons on a daily basis, but it wasn’t what I meant.
I missed my visions, not the confusion that came with them. I missed putting the pieces together, not doing it too late. And, most of all, I missed the connection I had with my mother. I couldn’t remember her, too young to remember the few years I did have with her, so seeing her—even when she told me again and again that I was Marked, chosen, blah, blah, to die—was amazing. It made me happy, although I realized it too late.
I should have told her I loved her, that I missed her. Now, I’d never get the chance. It was very possible I’d never see her again.
Why would I? Her reason for visiting me was to tell me I was going to die, that I was chosen for greatness and some crap. I died, Sephira killed me—mission accomplished. All this after-death stuff I did was just a bonus for the world.
Passing the bathroom, I hesitated. I wanted to go in, have Gabriel tell me some words of encouragement, ask him to calm me down, but I couldn’t, because the shower was still going. And since the shower was still going and I faced my feelings for the blonde, me going in there would only mean one thing—and even though I loved the boy, right now it was the last thing on my mind. I probably couldn’t even get into it if I tried.
Heaving a sigh, I instead went to the nearest bedroom and crawled on the bed. Okay, more like collapsed on the bed, face-first. I let out a moan, though it came out muffled. Why couldn’t this be straightforward? Why couldn’t I just relax? It might very well be the last time I could relax. There might not be another day after tomorrow, as scary as it was.
No, we had Gabriel. And Crixis. I might not survive, but they would. I trusted Gabriel implicitly, even though he had the soul of the Devil in him, and occasionally did some things that weren’t exactly done in God’s name.
And as for Crixis—I didn’t trust him much. Our history was too perverted and convoluted for true trust. That said, I did trust him to do the right thing when it came to the Order. For an ageless, immortal Demon like him, the end of the world must be frightening. Of course, he’d probably never admit it aloud.
My feet hung off the edge of the bed, the smell of someone else’s sweat shoved against my nose. I shouldn’t be on this bed. I should be downstairs with Max. I should—
A hand whacked my feet, knocking together my combat boots. “Could you, for once, stop thinking so loud? You’re giving me a headache.” Gabriel. Who else would it have been? “I was trying to have one last happy time in the shower, and—”
At that, I turned and sent him a disgusted glare, wondering if he was serious, but my glare died before it even reached him, because Gabriel stood before me, his bare chest glistening with water droplets, wearing nothing but a pink towel tied around his waist. It barely covered his most private midsection; his strong legs—also wet—were very much in view. His lips were curled into a smug smile, as if he knew what I stared at.
And I wasn’t staring at the towel. I wasn’t.
“Do you want me to take it off,” he offered with a shrug of his wide shoulders, “so you can see for yourself if I was serious or not?” His perfect, white grin grew even wider as my eyes slowly traveled up his torso, eating up his Celtic cross tattoo, before meeting his stare.
“I—what?” My mouth couldn’t formulate a full sentence, it seemed.
“Or—” Gabriel moved closer to me, his thighs touching my feet. “—maybe I was just getting ready for you.”
“Don’t play dumb. You’ve understood all my other sexual innuendos. You have to understand that one. It’s probably the most obvious.”
Right. The boy was just teasing me.
“Am I?” He asked, “Am I just teasing you? I think we should both get naked and find out.”
I glared at him, doing my best to ignore how fantastic his abdomen looked, how easy it would be to drop that towel. I felt warm, too hot. My skin flushed. I worked to slide off the bed, trying to sidestep him to get around him. Coming face-to-chest was a bad idea. My stomach fluttered, and I bit back my urge to touch him.
Everything was so new, too new. We shouldn’t just throw in the towel (pun intended) and do everything now. We’d have plenty of time for it after the Order was dealt with; at least Crixis thought so.
I went around him, going to the door, stopping before I made it out.
Since when did I believe a word Crixis said? What if we didn’t have time? What if I died tomorrow, and this time I stayed dead? Did I really want to die a virgin? Did I want to deny what I felt, what I wanted to do, just for the sake of we can do it later? Seemed…kind of wrong.
Didn’t it?
The door to the bedroom was shut in front of me, Gabriel’s hand flat against it. He stood directly behind me, his arm right next to my head, holding the door closed. His other hand snaked around my side and flicked the lock, making the decision for me.
I could tell him no. I could stop him easily; he’d never make me do anything I didn’t want to do. That’s what I was afraid of, I guessed. I was afraid of what I wanted to do, because I’d never done it before. Out of the both of us, Gabriel had more experience. Gabriel was the chick magnet. I’d only kissed one other guy, and he tried to kill me after, so I wasn’t even sure if it counted.
Was I going to tell him no? Was I going to stop him? Did I want to stop him?
The answer to all those questions…was no. No, I wasn’t going to stop him. No, I most definitely wasn’t going to tell him no. Hell no, I didn’t want to stop him. Stopping him was the last thing I wanted to do.
I wanted to give Gabriel everything. I wanted to break the one rule I had between us—no seeing me naked.
Slowly, sluggishly, I turned to face him. This was really happening. I was about to give Gabriel the go ahead. What kind of weird reality was I in? No alternate worlds—this was my Gabriel, and I was his Kass. Maybe I was stupid for taking so long to realize it. Maybe we belonged to each other from the very beginning.
As he bent down to kiss me, I thought, this is right.
Chapter Twenty-Two - Liz
I was aghast at the possibility of what Crixis said. I was so furious, I didn’t even hail another cab. I needed to air my head and my thoughts out, and I needed to storm along the sidewalk to do it, clearly.
Me, pregnant with Michael’s child? What a laugh.
No, I was certain the nerves I’d been feeling the past few days were just that: nerves. Anxiety. My body’s reaction of coming to terms with the fact Michael had lied to me the entire time, that our whole relationship was a fake. My sick feeling was due to the sheer amount of death I witnessed, knowing Michael was among that number. I felt ill because Ames was missing, captured by the Order. I could not feel like this because I was pregnant.
Just, no.
But of course, now that Crixis said it, it was in my head. Pregnant. With a baby. Michael’s baby. The longer I thought about it, the worse the possibility seemed, and it wasn’t even due to me not wanting to be a mother. If I was pregnant with a baby, it was Michael’s evil, lying spawn. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want anything that reminded me of what a fool I’d been.
If I was pregnant…what would I do?
Getting rid of it went against my beliefs. I couldn’t get rid of it, because I didn’t believe in abortion. Even the word felt wrong to think. If I indeed had Michael’s spawn in my belly, I was utterly, in the words of Kass, screwed.
No. I wouldn’t even think like that until I knew for certain. A drugstore test was not the be all end of all results, but it would help me alleviate my worries. Some of my worries, anyway. My other worries, those involving the Order, would not be relieved until it was all done.
The finish line to this race seemed so far away.
It took me fifteen minutes to walk to the nearest convenience store and buy what I needed to buy. The cashier was a young, teenage boy who gave me a look as I handed him the cash to cover it. I would not be intimidated by an acne-ridden boy who knew nothing of life or death scenarios, so I glared right back at him, snatching the test off the counter and heading straight to the lavatories in the back.
Once I barged in on the ladies’ room, I locked it behind me before tearing into the test. My hands shook. This was not happening to me, was it? This was all some terrible dream I would soon wake from, right?
This…this test would come back negative. It had to. If it didn’t, my life was over regardless of whether or not we defeated the Order. If we beat the Order, I would have nothing to look forward to. I would have nothing left of my life that I enjoyed. No independence, no freedom to do what I wanted or go where I wanted. I’d have the shackles of motherhood wrapped tightly around my ankles, a daily reminder of how I slept with the enemy.
I carefully read the instructions, which seemed awfully wordy, considering the end result was just to pee on the one end of the stick while trying not to pee on the hand that had to hold it under there. I wasn’t a squatter. I had to sit to urinate. This would be a challenge in more ways than one.
I closed my eyes, inhaling once before trying to squeeze some out. This was so demeaning and humiliating. I hated this with every fiber of my being. If Michael wasn’t already dead, I swore I’d kill him myself. It came out as a trickle, and until I could get a steady stream going, it was touch and go.
Some women wanted nothing more to be mothers. Some girls grew up playing with dolls and carrying around creepy looking babies, pushing them around in mock strollers. I was never one of those girls, and I was not one of those women. Motherhood was something that just wasn’t for me. I didn’t want it.
Not once had I ever gazed upon a child and thought I wanted one. Never had I looked at a baby and said I couldn’t wait to have one of my own. Children under ten annoyed me; those under four creeped me out. Babies under a year were hideous and deformed miniature humans. Clearly, I was not cut out for this motherhood shite.
Once it was done and I had to wait, I buried my face in a hand while holding the test as far as I could away from myself. This would’ve been a great time for Amelia’s comforting hot chocolate, her words of wisdom that were too old for her twenty-six years. This would’ve been a good time for my own mother to call and ask me how I was. I hadn’t spoken to my own mother in years, after father passed. She wasn’t the nicest person around.
I could not believe this was what my life came down to: huddling against myself in a public lavatory while praying nothing grew inside of me. How far I’d fallen from the perch I built myself under the Council’s watchful eyes.
How were we going to storm their headquarters? It wasn’t like it was the Council’s normal building, so I’d never been inside it before. And, anyway, most of my work was paperwork that I could easily complete while at my flat. I also played the buddy to the Agent who could tangle and defeat a greater Vampire half a dozen times, and I got paid double time for it. It was a good deal and a great job—until now.
Until I realized just what the Council truly was, how it was nothing more than a facade, a front for an evil organization that simply wanted to destroy the world. But of course, they did not view themselves as evil. They did not believe they were harming anyone by wanting the world to burn. The most horrifying thing about the Order was that they did it all for God, to abolish sin, to wipe the earth clean of Demons. They didn’t view themselves as the villains; they thought themselves the saviors of the world.
How c
ould you save the world by destroying it? It was something I would never comprehend. Such monstrosity. The innocent lives that would be lost in such an event—it would be catastrophic. Knowledge would be lost, history would be lost. Everything the Order did not deem worthy of saving would be gone in the so-called New Age.
To do so would be madness, and I could not even imagine what their New Age would look like.
I waited for what felt like ages. Years could’ve passed in that lavatory, and I would be none the wiser, for every second felt drawn-out and torturous. I did not want to open my eyes and look at the object in my hand, but it had to be time.
Wincing as I lifted my eyelids, I viewed the result.
My heart plummeted to the ground. No, past the ground. My heart plummeted to the other side of the world, straight down through the earth’s core, through the lava and bedrock and all of it. My skin turned clammy, my hands sweaty and cold. My mouth suddenly felt dry, like I needed to drink something to replenish what fluids I had to leak over this stick. Assuming I lived through this, my world was over. I wanted to cry, but my eyes were oddly dry in the face of the truth.
I was pregnant with Michael’s child.
Chapter Twenty-Three - Gabriel
Kass was not a quiet thinker. The moment she stormed up the stairs, I could hear her mind roaming miles a second. And then, of course, since I was in the shower, I started thinking about certain things—us, the future, what Kass’s mother showed me. That baby with her giant, innocent blue eyes. Eyes that looked like mine. The clock was running out. We didn’t have much time left.
So I went to her, found her lying face-first on a bed, and I teased her. Just like I always did. My favorite pastime. I might have irritated her a bit, for she tried to move away from me, walk out the door, but I couldn’t let her go. If we didn’t take advantage of now, we would never…
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