Find You in the Dark

by A. Meredith Walters

  “This is all I need, Mags. Just you and me, together.” He murmured as I listened to the sound of his heart beat under my ear. He made it sound so perfect. But I knew the life we were creating for ourselves was anything but.

  “Did you bring your medication, Clay?” I asked after I woke up from our afternoon nap. Clay stiffened for a minute before pulling away. He got off of the bed and walked into the bathroom. I followed him and watched him from the door way as he filled a cup with water and took a drink.

  “You didn't bring them, did you.” I stated instead of asking. Clay gave me his best charming smile. “I'll be fine without them. I haven't really been taking them for awhile anyway. You'll see. Now that we're away from all that stress, it won't be like it was before. I promise.” I couldn’t believe he had been lying to me for weeks. I thought he had still been taking the lithium. His crazy behavior started to make more sense.

  “What's awhile?” I asked him. Clay frowned. “I don't know. Since early November, I guess. Don't worry about it.” Early November!!! I know my mouth hung open. I couldn't believe he had been so sneaky about it.

  I felt like such a fool. Here, I had been trying to rationalize everything, thinking he was just jealous, or under a lot of stress. But no, it was because he hadn't been doing what he needed to do to regulate himself- to take care of himself. I wanted to punch him, or scream at him. But I knew that would just make it worse.

  Damn it! Rachel was right. I couldn't do this. I needed to get Clay back to Davidson. This was a tightrope walk, and I knew it was just a matter of time before he fell off and he took me with him. My face must have paled because Clay grabbed me by my upper arms.

  “Stop it, Maggie! Don't start worrying about me. I will be all right. Things will be perfect. Just how we wanted them to be. I don't need those stupid pills as long as I have you.” His words chilled me. He really did seem to believe that.

  When had I become his new medication? And when had I started enabling him? I loved Clay so much, but this was not right. He couldn't replace his medication with me and think things would be okay. He was seriously deluding himself.

  “Clay, you need your meds.” I whispered, trying to hide how appalled I was at his lack of responsibility and maturity. Clay's face darkened. “Don't start with me, Maggie. I told you, I'm fine.” He brushed past me into the room.

  I had to figure something out. But I wasn't sure how I could convince Clay to go back home. He was certain that being away from Davidson and his parents would make everything okay. He was so, so wrong.

  “I'm scared for you.” I said, watching him as he pulled a new shirt out of his bag and put it on. Clay's shoulders tensed. “Well, don't be. You're over thinking things again.” He said flippantly. I wanted to be angry with him for putting us in this position. For doing this to himself. But I caught a glimpse at the healing cuts on his chest and arms as he pulled his shirt over his head and I just felt sad. I wanted him to be happy and healthy. Maybe I could just give him the few days he asked for. And then convince him to go home. He would listen to me, right? I mean, he loved me.

  I went up behind him and put my arms around his chest and buried my face into his back, breathing in his amazing smell. “I love you. You know that?” I stated. Clay turned in my arms and held me. “Of course I know that, Mags. I love you too.” I reached up on my tip toes and locked my mouth to his. The taste of him causing the same butterflies in my stomach it always did.

  Clay broke the kiss and grinned at me. “Let's get out of this depressing room. I want to take you out to dinner. A proper date.” I laughed at the giddiness in his voice. “A date, huh?” I raised my eyebrows at him. “Yeah. Let's go paint the town red, baby.” He pulled on my hand, tugging me toward the door. Clay tucked his wallet in his pocket and pulled out his car keys. I let him lead me outside.

  Soon we were making our way through the tiny town of Glass Lake. There wasn't a whole lot to it. But there was a restaurant on the north end of town called Elk's Ridge Bar and Grill. Funny name, considering there were no elk in North Carolina.

  I ordered a steak and potatoes and he got the chicken alfredo. We ate until we were completely stuffed. We laughed and talked. I loved being with him like this. This was the Clay I loved more than anything.

  As I waited at the table for Clay to come back from the bathroom, my cell phone made a ding in my pocket. I was hesitant to check it. I didn't want anything to ruin the great evening I was having. But curiosity won out.

  Looking in the direction of the bathrooms to watch for Clay, I quickly got out my phone. There was a text waiting from Rachel. You guys are in some serious shit. Did Clay tell you what went down when he left his house last night?

  Feeling immediately edgy, I quickly typed out What do you mean? I tapped my foot in impatience as I waited for the responding message. Two minutes later the phone dinged again. Looking at what my friend wrote, I thought I would be sick.

  Well, apparently he threatened his parents with a knife. Destroyed stuff, stole a bunch of money from his dad's wallet and took off. The police are looking for you guys. His parents are threatening to press charges against him. You really need to come home. Otherwise it'll just get worse.

  Why didn't Clay tell me about what happened? Again, he was keeping secrets from me! The one person he swore he'd be honest with! I shoved the phone back in my pocket and plastered a smile on my face as Clay came back to the table.

  “Ready?” He asked. I nodded, not trusting my voice. Clay put some cash on the table- (his parent's money, I was sure-) and held out his hand for me to take. I wrapped my fingers with his and let him pull me to my feet. He hugged me and kissed my nose. “Thank you for being my date.” He said with a grin.

  I couldn't help but smile back, despite what I had just learned. “Thank you for asking me to be your date.” I replied, squeezing his waist. We walked out of the restaurant, our arms wrapped around each other.

  Out in the cold, night air, I felt unsure. I needed to talk to Clay about what I had just learned. But how do I broach the subject? His parents were a sore spot, to say the least, and I knew it would just lead to an argument.

  But I had to know why he kept it a secret. Why he didn't tell me the truth when he came to my room last night. Though part of me wanted nothing more than to pretend it was all a mistake. That what Rachel had told me couldn't possibly be true.

  We walked down the street a ways and found a small park. We found ourselves at a tiny bench situated in a shaded grove of trees. The air was crisp and chill and I wrapped my jacket tighter around me. Clay put his arm around my shoulders and held me tight against his side. He kissed the top of my head and I tried to relax into him.

  I didn't fool Clay for a second. He knew me too well. “What's wrong, baby?” He asked me softly, curling my hair around his finger. I pulled back a bit so that I could look at him. “I got a text from Rachel while you were in the bathroom.” I started. Clay frowned. “Okay. Did she say something to upset you?” He asked, rubbing his thumb across my bottom lip.

  I cleared my throat, trying to ignore the burn of desire that ignited at his touch. “Well, she told me the police are looking for us.” Clay stiffened, his thumb stopping its slow caress across my skin. “Well, I kind of expected that.” He admitted, dropping his hand into his lap.

  “Well, they're after us because of what happened. You know. At your house.” I looked at him pointedly and I watched his face grow cold. “At my house.” He stated. I nodded. I felt myself getting angry with him. “Is there something you need to tell me? About what went down with your parents?” I prompted, scooting back, putting distance between us.

  Clay gave an angry sigh and got to his feet. He started pacing. “I told you everything.” He insisted harshly. I jumped to my feet and grabbed a hold of his arm. I wrenched him around to look at me. “No you didn't! You sure as hell didn't tell me that you pulled a knife! On your parents! Are you fucking crazy?” I shrieked at him.

  Okay, bad choice of words
. Clay pulled my hand off of his arm. “Yes, Maggie! I am FUCKING CRAZY! Everyone thinks it, so it must be true!” He yelled back at me. I blanched at his words and started backing away from him. His face dropped and he raked his fingers through his hair in agitation. “I want to go home, Clay. This is all so messed up! We can't do this!” I implored, collapsing on the park bench covering my face with my hands.

  Clay came and sat down beside me and pulled my hands down. He held them tightly in his and looked at me with the most desolate expression I had ever seen. “I can't go home. Not now. I know I screwed up. I let things get out of control. But they weren't listening to me! They NEVER listen to me! Because none this was ever about me. It was all about my parents and how much of an embarrassment I am.” His voice cracked.

  I softened at seeing him like this. I reached out and touched his cheek, lingering. “What about Ruby and Lisa? Can't they help?” I asked desperately. Clay barked out a laugh that sounded almost maniacal. “Uh, no. My parents threatened to have Ruby charged with delinquency of a minor or some such shit. I'm not sure how they could charge her with anything. But if anyone knows how to bend the law to get what they want, it's my parents.”

  God, I hated those people. Clay clung to my hand. “They just wouldn't stop. They told me I was useless and a liability. That I was...deranged. That I wasn't fit to be in normal society.” Clay cut off on a ragged breath. His parents had broken him. How could they say such horrible things to their son, when he deserved so much more?

  “So, yeah. I was angry. I felt trapped and needed to get out of there. So, I grabbed a knife off of the counter and pointed it at them and told them I was leaving.” I gasped. Clay arched his eyebrow. “A butter knife, Maggie. It was a fucking butter knife.” A butter knife? Really? They were pressing charges over a butter knife? This was ludicrous!

  I couldn't stop the laugh that crept up out of my throat. And suddenly I was laughing. An insane sort of laughter. I couldn't stop. After a startled moment, Clay joined me and we were both laughing at the absurdity of it all.

  Finally, we were able to calm down and Clay sobered instantly. “Do you see why I can't go back there? They won't leave me alone! I'll never have a life. They want me out of the way. And, now they've involved the police, I'll be locked away for sure. There's nothing, you, or me, or anyone can do about it. I just have to disappear.” He seemed so sure and I was tempted to be swayed by his logic.

  Clay kissed the corner of my mouth. “I understand if this is too much for you. If you want to go home, I won't stop you. You have to do what's right for you. Not for me.” He said softly, his eyes full of sadness and love for me.

  He was giving me an out. I appreciated how he was trying to be selfless. But after everything, all that I had sacrificed to be with him, there was no way in hell I'd let anyone take him from me. Despite my misgivings and the red flags that continued to go up all over the place, I was firm in my resolve to stand by him.

  “I can't leave you. Not now, not ever.” I whispered, my eyes never leaving his. One way or the other I had to make things right for him. I didn't have any sort of a plan. The only one I had was to ride things out here. Just a few more days and I'd figure something out.

  “God, I need you so much.” Clay's voice broke and he pulled me to him and sat on the bench, taking me with him so that I was straddling him. His mouth pressed against mine and he nibbled mercilessly at my bottom lip. I groaned into his mouth as I wiggled closer to him.

  “Fuck, Maggie.” He whispered, wrenching my shirt out of my pants and moving his hands up the front of my body. I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed him with all the pain and desire I felt. His hands cupped my breasts and kneaded the skin roughly.

  The cold, night air whipped around us but all I could feel was the heat being generated between us, the feel of him hard underneath his jeans. “I need to be inside you. Now!” He gasped as he rubbed my nipples between his fingers. “But, we're outside, in a park. I don't know...” I suddenly felt self-conscious. Anyone could come up on us like this. Though, the park seemed to be deserted. And we were shielded from view by the trees.

  “No one will see. Please.” He begged, unbuttoning my pants and pulling down the zipper, his fingers slipping underneath the edge of my panties, finding me wet and ready. “Clay.” I groaned as his fingers slipped inside me, a tantalizing tease. I frantically unzipped his jeans, rolling them down so that it released him. Clay sucked in a breath and shoved my pants down my hips.

  He was being rough and desperate. Not at all like the gentle love making we had before. His lips were hot and pressed hard against my neck as I shrugged out of my pants. The chill around us made goosebumps break out over my bare legs.

  But I didn't think anymore about that as Clay lifted me up and shoved my underwear aside, settling me down on top him, plunging deep into my body. I gasped at the suddenness of it. “More. I need more of you.” Clay pleaded as he jerked his hips upwards, while pulling me down against him as he held my hips tightly. His fingers dug into my flesh as he moved me up and down over him, piercing me deeply.

  “Oh my God!” I groaned as I wrapped my legs tighter, pushing us as close together as we could go. Clay pulled me hard against him, his lips leaving wet trails along my neck and shoulders. He bit down on my skin as I ground against him, the feel of him deep inside me causing the familiar burn build up in my belly.

  “Don't leave me! Ever!” He rasped in my ear, sucking the lobe as we rocked into each other with a frantic pace that both scared and thrilled me. My knees slammed into the metal of the bench and I barely registered the pain as I fell apart around him. After a few more minutes of punishing thrusts, I felt Clay release inside me.

  It was at that moment that I realized what we had done. I couldn't believe I had let us have sex in a park. In the middle of town. Without a condom. That was up there with one of the most stupid and risky things I had ever done.

  I collapsed against Clay and he held me tightly, running his fingers through my hair as we tried to get control over our breathing again. We were still connected, neither of us making the effort to move. Even though my body was exhausted, my mind was reeling. I quickly did the math in my head and relaxed when I realized the unprotected sex shouldn't be an issue.

  The cold wind finally broke through the post coital haze and I moved off of Clay's lap, feeling his wetness between my legs. I scooped up my discarded pants and hastily put them back on. “Well, that was a first.” I joked, still a little out of breath. Clay smirked at me as he buttoned himself back up. He pulled me back onto his lap. “I just needed to be close to you. Sorry the setting wasn't more romantic.” Clay apologized, kissing my temple as I snuggled into his chest.

  I sighed and laid my head down over his heart. The steady beat both calmed and soothed me. Clay rubbed my back and traced the length of my shoulder blades with his fingertip. “You're all that I have.” He said quietly, kissing the top of my head. I let him hold me and tried to convince myself that everything would be all right. But I knew I was just living another lie.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Funny how two days can change everything. Even my staunch refusal to let anything come between me and the boy I loved. My picture of the world had flipped on its head and I lived in a constant state of confusion and near panic.

  We laid low, paranoid someone would figure out we were the teenagers on the lam from Virginia. The machine that was Clay's parents was clearly in overdrive. We were watching a local news station one evening and suddenly saw Clay's face on the screen.

  “What the...?” Clay bit out, turning up the volume. Clay and I watched transfixed as the news anchor told the story of a mentally unstable young man who had kidnapped his girlfriend and gone on the run. Clay was described as dangerous and people were asked to notify authorities immediately if he was seen. Then they showed a picture of me and I thought I was going to throw up.

  We had gone to bed that night curled around each other. We didn't say anything,
no words were needed. Clay hung onto to me as though I would disappear. We made love frantically and desperately as if we were trying to hold onto something that would be snatched from our grasp at any moment. But I couldn't pretend that things were going to work out any longer. It was only a matter of time until we were discovered.

  Rachel had been texting me non-stop, urging me to come home. She worried that things would only get worse the longer we were gone. And I knew she was right. I didn't want to think about what would be waiting for Clay back in Davidson. But every hour that went by I saw Clay deteriorating. He was paranoid and hyper-vigilant. He wouldn't let me out of his sight. He had unplugged the phone in our room and would put chairs against the door as we slept.

  He was edgy and angry, snapping at me for no reason and then immediately pleading with me to forgive him. He was also cutting again. I saw the marks on his skin, even as he tried to hide them. I thought about confronting him, but thought better of it, knoingw he was dangerously close to losing what small semblance of sanity he had left.

  Things were spiraling out of control, not just for Clay, but for me as well. I was scared all the time. I could barely sleep and I couldn't handle sitting by and watching the boy that I love slowly slip away into the darkness of his mind.

  I needed my parents and my friends. I wanted their support and the safety of home so badly that I ached for it. I wanted Clay to get some help because with each passing day, I couldn't deny that's exactly what he needed. He didn't need me pretending that we would gallop off into the sunset like some fairytale. Because that wasn't our story. Not by a long shot.

  After seeing the news story, I knew I had to call my parents. They were probably going out of their minds if they thought Clay had kidnapped me. Who knew what bullshit Clay's parents had fed them.

  I waited until I knew Clay was asleep and I quietly got dressed and went outside. I gripped my cell phone in my hand. With shaking fingers I dialed my mom's number. I realized how late it was, almost 11:30 at night. But I needed to hear her voice. “Hello?” I heard my mother's shaking voice on the other end.