by A. E. Wasp
From his seat at the far end of the row, Dakota could look right down into the corridor leading to the locker room. Bryce sat next to him, with Nikki on his far side.
He picked up the yellow cardboard sign draped over his chair and looked at it.
“Oh, sweet!” Joshua said, picking up his sign and folding it back and forth into a fan. “I love these things.” When he had it folded up completely, he slapped it against his thigh. It made a surprisingly loud sound.
The lights dimmed, and then there were cheerleaders and tiny kids in hockey uniforms. The Eagles’ starting lineup was announced to cheers from the crowd. The boos as the Toledo Walleyes were introduced made Dakota feel bad for them.
He’d never thought about how hard it would be to be the visiting team. There was definitely an energy building in the stadium, and none of it was on the Walleyes’ side.
The crowd quieted for the National Anthem, sung with surprising skill by a barbershop quartet. Then, with the official drop of the puck, the game was on.
The crowd roared.
One thing Bryce had neglected to mention was the noise of a live hockey game. The blaring of the crowd from the television had nothing on hearing it live. It was a constant aural assault.
Loud music blared from the speakers every time there was a pause in the action. Announcers called for the crowd to scream louder, as if that was possible.
Apparently it was. Dakota watched the red decibel meter climb.
If Dakota had thought one cardboard clapper was loud, it was nothing compared to thousands of them going on at the same time. And don’t even get him started on the asshole behind him with the cowbell.
The game moved so much faster than Dakota had expected. Players rushed on and off the ice at some invisible signal for what Bryce had said were line changes, hopping over the wall and skating into the middle of a play.
Dakota flinched every time a player got checked into the boards close to them, and the entire structure shook.
Since he could barely keep track of the puck, and the goalie was mostly stationary, as well as the only position he could really grasp, he watched them most of the time.
A scrimmage in front of the Eagles’ goal moved quickly into the corner. Most of the players headed in that direction.
“Over!” Robbie yelled. “Just do it!”
One of the Walleyes broke from the pack with the puck and with a flick of the wrist, sent it flying into the net right through the goalie’s legs.
Jake and the entire stadium groaned as the period ended with their team down by a goal.
Bryce stood up and stretched as the teams left the ice. “Think these chairs are getting smaller.”
“I think your ass is getting bigger since you’ve been slacking on the workouts,” Jake joked.
“I am injured,” Bryce replied seriously. “I have to take it easy. Doctor’s orders.”
Jake scoffed. “Whatever. Just don’t come crying to me for a massage after your first real workout.”
“Their goalie is pretty good,” Robbie said. “And they got a lot of potential on their offense. They just need to work on being in position better.”
The guy with the cowbell sitting behind Dakota grunted his disagreement.
“Yeah,” Jake agreed. “I wouldn’t be surprised if their Captain got called up next opening.”
“Too bad their defense isn’t at the same level,” Bryce added.
The grumbling behind Dakota grew, and the guy leaned forward. “Shut the fuck up about the team,” he said. “I suppose you think you could do better?”
“I should fucking hope so,” Robbie scowled. “Or Coach would bust me back down to the fourth line.”
“Jake, watch your language. There are small children present,” Nikki said, putting a hand on Ofelia and Josh’s shoulders.
Ofelia rolled her eyes, and Nikki winked at her.
Dakota saw the guy’s eyes widen the very second he recognized who he was talking to.
He pointed at Bryce. “Hey. I know you. You’re Bryce Lowery, from the Thunder. How’s the knee?”
“Not bad.” Bryce turned around and shook the guy’s hand.
The guy turned to Jake who was sitting in the seat next to him. “And you’re Jake Donovan.”
“As far as I know.” Jake returned the handshake with a smile.
“Holy crap. I didn’t even see you there. Sorry.”
Jake waved it off. “You’re better off watching the game. You’ve got a great team here.”
Dakota found himself really liking Jake. It was hard not to. The guy was funny, smart, and always in a good mood.
Cowbell Guy pointed at Robbie. “You must be Robbie Rhodes, the new kid they picked up. I’ve been watching you.”
The conversation continued in that vein with Cowbell Guy calling his friends over. Bryce and the guys talked hockey and signed various pieces of paper and articles of clothing that were thrust in front of them.
Nikki reached around Bryce and tugged on Dakota’s shirt. “Come on. We’ve got about ten minutes to get to the bathroom and grab some food. You coming?”
“Yeah sure.” He tapped on Bryce’s shoulder to let him know he needed to get past him. Bryce turned slightly, giving Dakota a smile and a quick pat on the hip as he pushed past. His eyes shone.
Dakota saw Jake roll his eyes and shake his head at Bryce with a fond smile. He mentally added Jake to the list of people who knew what was going on between him and Bryce.
A young woman with a bright blue staff shirt passed by them and made a beeline right for Bryce and the guys.
The crowd around them grew bigger by the second. Dakota followed Nikki out into the hallway, a hollow feeling growing in his heart.
Thirty-Six
Dakota
Ophelia and Josh headed towards the bathroom. Nikki and Dakota headed out for food with a promise to meet at the taco stand.
“Is it always like this?” Dakota asked Nikki while they waited in line for sure-to-be-overpriced nachos.
“To which ‘it’ are you referring and like what exactly?”
“Going out in public, and attention from fans and everything.”
“Yes. Sometimes it’s better, sometimes worse.” Nikki sipped the alcoholic smoothie she had bought mostly for the souvenir tiki mug. “You get more recognized at home, but people are more likely to let you live your life. Luckily, hockey players aren’t as recognizable as baseball or football players.”
Dakota struggled with how to frame his next question. They shuffled forward a few feet. “So, how does that work with a player’s personal life?”
Nikki turned to face him. Keeping the straw in her mouth, she raised one eyebrow.
Dakota added her to the list of people who knew. It was a long list. Might be easier to keep track of who didn’t know at this point. The first entry would be ‘every single hockey fan.’
“My marriage and divorce were all over the sports news. Fans sent us cards and wedding presents. Even a few death threats when we got divorced, though Bryce went out of his way to take all the blame for that.”
Great. Dakota had expected that, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear. Trying to figure out the rest of his life based on a series of what-ifs exhausted him. What would happen if Bryce signed the new contract, and if he outed himself publicly, and if he asked Dakota to move with him, and if Dakota said yes?
Whatever happened, it would be in the public eye.
Dakota brooded as they ordered food and took it over to a tiny high table.
Nikki leaned towards him, and he slid closer to her.
“I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, since it’s not my story, but, well,” she said in a low voice. She looked up from the table to make sure no one was paying them any attention. “Robbie’s boyfriend left him a couple of weeks ago. Couldn’t take the pressure.”
Well, that confirmed his suspicions about Robbie. “Is Robbie out?”
Nikki gave him a yes-and-no head tilt. �
��Out to the club, yeah, not officially to the league, and not at all to the public.”
“I don’t blame the boyfriend. The closet is a sucky place to live.” Dakota shoved a soggy chip into his mouth without tasting it. “Think he’ll ever come out?”
Nikki shrugged. “Guaranteed someone will. He’s far from the only gay player, obviously. But it’s going to be tough for that first guy. Hockey is pretty accepting on the surface, lots of practice sticks with rainbow tape and a LGBT ambassador on every team. But no one has come out yet.”
Josh and Ophelia got to the table about the same time. They grabbed their food and asked if they could go back to their seats.
“No problem. Tell your uncle we’ll be right there.”
When they were out of earshot, Nikki looked at her watch and then sucked down the last of her drink with a loud slurp.
“Look. We’re out of time, so I’m just going to be blunt. I can’t tell you what to do, and I can’t tell him. All I can say is that he never once looked at me the way he looks at you. I’ve never seen him look at anyone like that.”
She grabbed the half-eaten basket of food and tossed it in the garbage can. “Let’s go, or we’ll have to wait.”
Dakota added her comments to his list of things he had to consider. As he climbed over Bryce’s legs to reach his seat, their eyes met.
Bryce’s sweet smile made Dakota’s heart clench. “You liking the game, so far?” Bryce asked.
“Loving it more than I expected,” Dakota answered truthfully, dropping down carefully into the wobbly seat. “I’ve been loving a lot of unexpected things lately.”
“Yeah. Tell me about it.” Bryce’s expression grew more intense, and Dakota had to look away before he did something stupid.
He just needed some time to think.
The whistle blew, and the crowd roared to life. There would be no more thinking for the next twenty minutes at least.
Dakota’s mind was no clearer at the end of the second period than it had been at the beginning. At least the Eagles were ahead four to two now. He had to admit, watching sports live was a whole different thing than watching them on television.
There was a break in the action in the middle of the period. Girls with snow shovels cleared the ice in front of the goals, and there was some kind of trivia contest happening up in the stands.
“So I think we’re getting a new guy,” Jake said out of nowhere.
“Yeah? Anyone I know?” Bryce asked.
Jake shrugged. “Some kid from Huntsville. Supposed to be really good. I think coach is looking at him for a new D-man.”
“Do you know his name?” Robbie asked. His face looked pinched.
“Datsun, Dobson? Dyson. That’s it.”
“Great,” Robbie muttered under his breath.
“You know him?”
Robbie shrugged. “Kinda. Played him a few times in college. He’s a brawler and a partier. Real chip on his shoulder.”
“Awesome. How’s his playing?”
“He’s good,” Robbie admitted grudgingly. He stood up. “I’m going to get a beer. Anybody want one?”
Jake, Bryce, and Nikki all said yes.
Dakota leaped on the opportunity. “I could go for one, too. I’ll come with you and help you carry.”
“Or you could wait for the waitress,” Cowbell Guy pointed out. He wasn’t even trying to pretend he wasn’t listening to their conversation now.
“I need to use the bathroom anyway,” Dakota said. What he really needed was five minutes alone with Robbie.
Dakota barely knew the guy, but even he could tell Robbie wasn't happy with the news. “So,” he said to Robbie’s back. “You don’t sound thrilled about this potential new guy.”
“He’s another angry closet case,” Robbie scoffed.
“Oh, I hate those guys. They can be dangerous.”
Robbie stopped walking and motioned Dakota into a quiet corner of the hall. As quiet as hockey stadiums got, anyway.
“Tell me about it. We hooked up once, a couple of years ago. I didn’t know he was a hockey player; he didn’t know me. That kind of thing.”
“And he was cool?”
Robbie’s smile was sad. “He was awesome. Then I saw him on the ice the next day.”
“Awkward.”
“Painful. He threatened me, and then was on me so hard, he got two penalties called on him. Every time we crossed paths after that, he was just a dick, but no more physical than normal. Never talked to me again.”
“Wow. And now you might be on the same team.”
“Go team,” Robbie said weakly. “Can we talk about something else?”
Dakota wished they had gotten the beers first. It would have given him something to do with his hands. He settled for shoving them into his pockets. “This probably isn’t the best place for this conversation, but I didn’t know when else I’d get you to myself.”
“Oh?” Robbie said flirtatiously, looking up at Dakota with a smile. He laughed at the expression on Dakota’s face. “I’m just fucking with you. I assume this is about tall, dark, and crazy about you?”
“Yeah.” Dakota pushed a hand through his hair. “Nikki told me you’re out to the club but not the public. How is it?”
“Look at you with the hockey lingo.” Robbie’s smile dropped, and he sighed. “It kind of sucks. I assume Nikki told you Drew split?”
Dakota nodded.
“I can’t blame him,” Robbie said. “Who wants to be even semi-closeted?”
“Not me,” Dakota said firmly. “I won’t be.”
Robbie nodded. “And that’s the problem.”
Dakota was so grateful to have someone to talk to who just got it. “Yeah.”
They were silent together for a minute in recognition of the intractability of the problem.
“He might retire, he said. But apparently, he’s up for a new contract with just…” At a loss for words to describe amounts of money that were normal in Robbie’s world, Dakota spread his hands wide. “Just so much money. Money he says his family needs.”
“And his charities,” Robbie added. “Bryce gives some insane amount of money to charities every year,” he clarified. “Almost all anonymous. I think his family has their own foundation or something. He’s really my role model for how to be. Lot of guys don’t make it through this life. Three years after retiring, they’re filing bankruptcy.”
“Oh, God.” Dakota pinched the bridge of his nose.
“You and he have some decisions to make. I can’t tell you what to do, man. But there’s one thing I’ve noticed about Bryce that you need to know.”
“What?” Dakota mentally braced himself for bad news.
“I’ve only known him for a year, but like I said, he’s my role model. So I watch what he does closely. Which is how I knew about you guys, like, minute one, by the way.”
“And your gaydar.”
“That, too. So one thing you have to know is that Bryce almost never makes decisions based on what he wants. Every decision he makes is not only well-thought out but is based on what he thinks is best for the team, or for his family, or whoever else might be affected. It makes him a great captain, but I think it’s been hard on him. Truthfully, I’m not sure he even knows what he wants anymore. You can barely get him to express an opinion on pizza toppings.”
“Why would he do that?”
“Bryce hates letting people down. He feels it’s his job to make everything better all the time. He’s not a martyr about it, like my mom. I think it physically hurts him to think he disappointed someone.”
“You really have been watching him.”
Robbie smiled. “Well, he was one of my first crushes. I had a poster of him in my room when I was a kid.”
“Oh, great. Now all I can think of is someone probably jerked off to a picture of my — of Bryce.”
Robbie let the unspoken word pass without comment. “I’m sure many people have. We’d better get the beers before they think we died.”
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Dakota thought about what Robbie had told him as they ordered and on the way back to the seats. One thing he knew, he couldn’t ask Bryce to stay. All that would do was add to the pressure he knew Bryce already felt.
He was getting kind of tired of waiting around for other people to decide his future.
Thirty-Seven
Bryce
Bryce hadn’t expected to be so affected by the game. He’d been to thousands of them.
But this was his first one with Dakota. It had been obvious Dakota didn’t really care about the hockey lesson Bryce had given him in the car. He’d never really asked about Bryce’s experiences.
But the practice had gotten his attention. Bryce watched him watch the players speeding around the ice in a cascade of skaters and pucks heading for the goal.
It was something to see all the players from both teams on the ice at the same time instead of the usual six for each team.
When it had looked like there was going to be a brawl before the game even started, Dakota looked shocked and interested at the same time.
By the end of the second period, Dakota was following the players back and forth across the ice, and picking up the energy of the crowd. It was hard not to. The stadium was almost completely full, and the Colorado fans were extremely vocal in their support of their team.
Home games were the best. Nothing beat playing in front of thousands of your biggest fans screaming their heads off for you.
Bryce took advantage of Dakota leaving with Robbie to let himself imagine what it would be like to finally walk away from hockey for good.
He would miss being part of a team. He loved the camaraderie, the way they all had to work together to accomplish their goals, and the way it felt to be part of something bigger.
The looks on the faces of the kids in the audience felt great, too. He remembered being that kid.
But when he dug down deep, and really listened to what his gut was telling him, he realized he didn’t want to go back. It had been so long since he’d asked himself what he’d really wanted that he almost didn’t know how to judge it.