By Degrees

by Elle Casey

  That’s when it hits me.

  “Did anyone call the hospital? Where did Zach go when he brought stuff to Tarin?”

  “Not the hospital.”

  The tone of his answer makes me feel sick to my stomach.

  “Where did he go, Ricky?”

  Ricky sticks his head out, craning his neck a little. “Why don’t we just wait until we talk to Tarin to figure this all out?”

  “If you know something, just say it, would you? I really hate the idea of people hiding things from me and helping Tarin play games. It’s just not worth it, Ricky. Honestly, I thought you knew that.”

  “It’s not like that, Scarlett. Just let it lie for now, all right? Tarin will get this figured out and then fix it all up for you.”

  I look out the side window again. “I don’t think so,” I mumble, as the palm trees and carefully manicured bushes flash past. I’m lost in memories of Austin long since buried. A vision of me sitting with Scott in Austin’s big house flits across my mind’s eye, the two of us watching television, wondering where Austin is and what he’s doing. Everyone but those who loved him the most knew what he was up to. I hated being in the dark then and I hate it twice as much now. I thought Tarin knew better than to do this to me. To us. I hold in the sobs that feel like the undoing of all the hard work I’ve been through finding myself again.

  Chapter Fifty

  MY PHONE FINALLY RINGS WITH Tarin’s name coming across the screen at ten o’clock that night. He sounds exhausted. I’ve moved beyond worried and distraught into plain old pissed. He’d better have a hell of an excuse because I’m ready to call it a day. A night. A lifetime. My heart can’t take this kind of crap.

  “Hi,” I say. I don’t trust letting any more than that to come out of my mouth right now.

  “Hi,” he says back. There’s caution there, and maybe some guilt.

  Please, don’t let it be guilt!

  “Where’ve you been?” I ask. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed in one of the guest rooms. Everyone but Zach is downstairs in the family room playing video games like the world isn’t crashing down around our ears. Zach hasn’t made it back yet as far as I know. The traitor.

  “I’m in L.A.”

  Some of my anxiety slips out. “Doing what, Tarin? Are you with Jelly?”

  “Yes, I am.” He sighs heavily. “Where are you right now? Are you still in Chicago?”

  “Thanks for asking. Actually, no, I’m in L.A.”

  “Please don’t sound so mad.”

  My heart is cracking in two because I love him so much and I want to believe he wouldn’t hurt me like I think he has. “Kind of hard not to, Tarin.” I bite down hard on my lip to keep from screaming. I punch a pillow and burn my knuckles with the friction of doing it several more times.

  “I know. But it’s not what you think.”

  “How do you know what I’m thinking? It could be exactly what I think.”

  “I doubt it.”

  “Are you coming home?”

  “Not yet.”

  A tear slips past the barricades I’ve tried to erect. I wipe it away angrily and school my features and voice to remain neutral. “When?”

  “Maybe tomorrow. I have to get some things worked out. Will you wait?”

  “Why don’t you tell me what I’m waiting for before I answer that, because at this point, I’m not really sure.”

  “I want to tell you. I want to tell you everything, but I can’t do it over the phone. I need to see you face-to-face.”

  “Why? What are you worried about?”

  He doesn’t answer right away. Then he breathes out long and loud. “I guess I’m worried about you hearing the first sentence, hanging up the phone, and then taking a plane somewhere I’ll never find you.”

  “It must be pretty bad.”

  “It is. But I swear, it’s not what you think. I’m not with Jelly that way. I promise you, on my life, I have not been with anyone that way but you since I saw you in Chicago. Hell, since you busted up my life into twenty thousand pieces and put it back together in a different arrangement.”

  A small sliver of my anger slips away. And then another. “Are you mad about that? About the new arrangement?”

  “Hell no. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. For the most part.” He sighs again. “There’s just the one glitch. Actually, it’s more than a glitch, but I think I can handle it. No, I know I can handle it. I just don’t know that you can, and that’s the part that sucks so bad I can’t even fucking breathe.” He’s crying now. He’s actually crying.

  And it’s then that the thick wall of ice around my heart begins a true thaw, big chunks of unhappiness falling away.

  “Why are you so sad? What can it possibly be to make you this upset after all we’ve been through?”

  “You’ll see. I’ll have Zach pick you up tomorrow, okay? I can’t do anything right now. I’m exhausted, I’m completely tied up, and I can’t leave to come see you. It’s just … please give me one more night and then you’ll see what’s going on. I really can’t explain over the phone. It’s just too much for that.”

  I close my eyes and try to find a zen place inside my mind. Deep breath in … deep breath out. “Okay, Tarin. I trust you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Oh thank God. Okay, babe … shit … I have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “You have to go? Why?”

  “I just … fuck! I do. I have to go. Talk to you soon. Oh! And come alone, okay? No Scott or anyone else.” He hangs up and leaves me sitting there in the dimly lit room.

  I look down at the disconnected phone. “What the hell?”

  Chapter Fifty-One

  I’M STANDING OUTSIDE ALONE IN denim shorts, an orange cotton top, and orange sandals when Zach pulls into the driveway with the SUV to pick me up. I search his face for answers as I pull open the door and get in to the cold, air conditioned interior.

  “Hey, Scarlett,” he says. He’s completely serious, not a trace of humor or relaxation on his expression anywhere.

  I shut the door and buckle up. “Hey, Zach. What’s the matter? Are we going to a funeral or what?” I try to laugh it off, but he doesn’t join me. My mood goes from hopeful to wary in an instant.

  “Not exactly,” he says, shifting the car into drive and pulling away. I wave to Scott who’s just stepped out of the front door to see me off. I can see him mouthing the words Good luck just before the car turns to follow the curving driveway and he’s out of my line of vision.

  “So you’re not going to tell me what’s going on either, is that it?”

  “Hell no. This isn’t my story to tell.” He pulls out onto the road that will take us to the main thoroughfare. “Just be patient. We don’t have far to go. Twenty minutes.”

  I nod, trying not to be angry at Zach. He’s just doing his job and I’m happy to know his first loyalty is to Tarin. I just hope his loyalty hasn’t gone too far.

  “Zach, I appreciate whatever it is you’re doing or trying to do for Tarin, but just be clear that if you’ve let him go down a bad path, I’m going to kick your ass. I don’t care that you’re twice my size, I’ll totally do it.”

  He finally smiles, just a little. “I would expect nothing less. But this path is not my doing.”

  His hint gives me nothing to work with, and I’m too freaked out over what I could be dealing with that isn’t exactly like a funeral to try and guess anymore. I sit back and wait for the ride to be over.

  Chapter Fifty-Two

  WE PULL UP TO A small cottage-type house in a neighborhood I know to be very expensive and somewhat exclusive. It’s not at all what I would have expected as Tarin’s hideout or whatever this place is to him. Zach puts the SUV in park and then looks at me.

  “You’re not coming?” I say.

  He shakes his head no. “It’s all you. Just walk up the sidewalk there and go into that red door. Tarin’s inside.”

  “Who else is in there?”

  Za
ch just shakes his head and says nothing.

  I un-click my seatbelt and guide it back into its holder. Resting my hand on the door latch, I look at him one last time. “Am I going to regret going through that red door?”

  He breaks eye contact and looks towards the house. “I think you’ll regret not going through it and never knowing what you didn’t know.”

  I reach over and punch him in the arm. “Thanks for being not helpful at all.”

  He still doesn’t look at me but he smiles. “What are friends for?”

  I get out of the car and smooth down my shirt and shorts. I’m so nervous that I’m strongly considering throwing up in the bushes that line the path to the front of the house. Unfortunately, since I haven’t eaten anything in twenty-four hours, I’m sure it’ll just be painful dry heaves, so I give up on the idea pretty quickly.

  The house is up on a small hill and most of it is hidden behind shrubs and small trees. The windows are shut up tight and the hum of an air conditioning unit makes everything seem so benign. The monster I picture waiting for me inside is being very quiet. I see no signs of her.

  Will it be Tarin’s new girlfriend? An old girlfriend? Is this Jelly’s house that he bought her that they live in together? Did he change his mind about wanting to be with me?

  None of my guesses make much sense. Why go through all this drama and refuse to tell me anything over the phone, unless the only goal is to humiliate me? And I can’t think of a single thing I’ve done to deserve that from him, so that can’t be it.

  I put one foot in front of the other, slowly making my way up the front walk. “Might as well get it over with,” I say to the lizard that crosses the path in front of me. I take the stairs up, pausing after each one. There’s a black metal railing on either side of this part of the walkway, and I hold onto it. It’s hot from the late morning sun, the paint chipped and peeling. There is no breeze to cool me down and I’m sweating. The back of my shirt is going to be stuck to me in no time.

  I reach the red door and stand there. I want it to fly open immediately, Tarin so anxious to see me that he doesn’t wait for me to ring the bell. But that doesn’t happen. The door remains shut and there’s no sign that anyone’s even expecting me. I look for a doorbell and see one to my right, but it has a piece of paper taped over it.

  Don’t ring bell. Knock softly, it says. I recognize Tarin’s handwriting.

  I frown as my finger hovers over the paper. “What the hell?” I debate whether to ignore the sign and hit that mother about twenty times. How dare he mess with my head and then tell me not to ring the goddamn doorbell!

  But I don’t do what my first instinct tells me to do. I lift my hand and knock softly as instructed. Dropping my arm to my side, I take a deep breath and wait for my destiny to unfold.

  Chapter Fifty-Three

  THE DOOR CRACKS OPEN AND Tarin’s face is in the opening. “You came.” He’s not smiling.

  My heart sinks. So much for hope.

  “Of course I came.” Because I’m a sucker and I’m stupid and I fell in love with you. When will I ever learn?

  We stand there staring at each other through an eight-inch gap.

  “Well?” I finally say, getting more irritated by the second. “Are you going to let me in? Introduce me to your girlfriend?”

  He says nothing in response, just opens the door wider and moves back so I can step inside.

  So there is another woman. I’m crushed. I knew it. I despise him for forcing me over here to meet her. I hate that he’s making me confront the person who’s stolen him away from me. My nostrils flare wide as I barely hold back my anger. I’m tempted to punch whoever she is in the face, but maybe I should just thank the bitch for taking him off my hands instead. Better to be wounded by heartache now than killed by it later.

  “I really appreciate you coming,” he finally says. He shoves his hands in his front pockets and stares at my knees.

  “I’m not sure why,” I say as he backs up and uses his elbow to close the door softly behind him. “Is this some kind of sick joke? Did you want to gloat or something?” I’m looking around, trying to catch a glimpse of the bimbot. I know she’s a dumb blonde fan freak. She has to be. They all are. Holy shit, it’s probably Posey. I pray it isn’t her so I don’t have to end up in jail for murder.

  “No, it’s not a sick joke. Why would you think that?” He’s looking at me confused. “Did you talk to Zach?”

  “Of course I talked to Zach. Do you think I’d ride all the way over here in complete silence?”

  “No. But … never mind. So you know why you’re here, then.”

  “Pretty much. Where is she?” I don’t see her in the kitchen or the family room from where I’m standing. She’s probably hiding if she knows what’s good for her.

  “She’s in the bedroom.”

  “Why isn’t she out here greeting me with you?” Figures. Chicken shit. She knows what she’s doing is wrong, that’s why she’s hiding. Good. I hope the guilt follows her around for the rest of her life like the regret will follow me. It’s only fair.

  He stares at me, a mixture of hurt and confusion marring his handsome features. “She’s back there because she’s sleeping. Listen … do you want to do this another time? I thought you’d want to do this sooner rather than later, but maybe it was a bad idea.”

  “Oh, no, please, let’s do this now.” I snort with disgust. “Let’s just get this thing rolling. We’ll make it a real good knock down, drag out too, if you want.”

  “I’d rather not. She kept me up all night and I’m exhausted.”

  I swallow the hurt and let the anger well up to take control. Hands on my hips, I shake my head at him. “You know, you’re really something else. I was so wrong about you. You really had me fooled.”

  “That sounds like a bad thing,” he says cautiously.

  I throw my arms up. “What the fuck, Tarin!”

  He puts his fingers to his lips, his face a mask of urgency. “Shhhh! Would ya keep it down! She’s sleeping!”

  This is too much. I cannot believe he’s actually doing this. “We’ll just see about that,” I say, leaving him to go down the hallway, long strides taking me far and fast. “Where is she? I want to meet this bitch.”

  “What are you doing, Scarlett?” he says coming after me. “You can’t call her a bitch, what the hell is your problem?!” He’s whisper-screaming at me, making me realize how this person must really have him wrapped around her finger to have him so hyper about disturbing her damn beauty sleep.

  The last door on the right is closed. I reach it just as Tarin catches up to me. He yanks me back by my arm and keeps me from grabbing the handle.

  “Let me go!” I yell, struggling to get away.

  “Scarlett, what’s wrong with you? Have you been drinking or something?”

  “Oh, right! Because anyone who’d be upset about being two-timed has to be wasted right? What …? You thought I’d be okay about sharing? Well, wake up, asshole. I’m not that kind of girl.”

  He opens his mouth to respond, but his words are cut off by a very unhappy-sounding wail coming from behind the closed door.

  “What the fuck is that?” I whisper, worried he actually has some sort of bobcat or leopard in his back bedroom. Did he want to introduce me to his exotic pet collection? Did I get this completely wrong?

  “That’s her. Way to go, waking her up,” he says, pushing past me and opening the door.

  I stare into the room in shock as I watch Tarin walk over to a crib and lift out a tiny baby.

  Chapter Fifty-Four

  MY LOWER JAW IS HANGING down like it’s no longer attached. Words are gone. I don’t have any that my mouth knows how to use right now. I watch as Tarin pats a tiny bundle on the back and bounces up and down on his toes.

  “Shhh, shhhh, shhhh, it’s okay. Scarlett’s just having a little itty bitty breakdown and she needs a little more sleep before she’s allowed to come in your room and say hello, okay baby girl? Shhh
, shhhh…”

  The cries slow to whimpers, and the volume goes down. My lower jaw finally goes back up where it belongs.

  “Shhh, shhh, shhh … Daddy’s here. Daddy’s here. Go back to sleep. Don’t you want to sleep? You’ve been awake all night and Daddy’s tired. I know you’re not hungry because you just finished eating.”

  I feel faint. I take a few steps back until I hit the opposite wall in the hallway. My knees give out and I slide down to the floor.

  Tarin comes over, stopping in the doorway with a worried expression on his face. “Are you okay, babe? I know this is a shock. I can explain, I swear.”

  I nod, still unable to speak. It’s taking all my brainpower to process what I’m seeing.

  “This is Geneva.” He turns her around so I can see her scrunched up bright red face. He keeps bouncing as he cradles her in his arm. “She’s Jelly’s daughter, and legally my daughter, even though biologically she’s not. I’m on the birth certificate.”

  “Did you…” I try to get my thought out, but my throat’s too dry. I struggle to stand, clearing my throat once I’m on my feet again. I use the wall for support because I’m still feeling light headed. “Did you marry Jelly?”

  Tarin shakes his head, still rocking the baby back and forth while he responds. “No. But I told her she could put my name on the birth certificate before the baby was born. I didn’t want her to be born without a father.”

  “Where’s Jelly?” I look around him as best I can from where I am, but the room looks empty save him, the baby, and about ten grand worth of baby stuff. There’s a fancy crib, a changing table, a rocking chair, decorations galore, and about a hundred stuffed animals.

  “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. This whole situation is beyond fu… fudged up.” He glances at the baby as he puts her back on his shoulder and then he looks at me. “Can you go sit down in the family room and I’ll be out in a minute? We can talk as soon as I put her down again.”