by Mia Ford
I looked over at Tiffany as she sat at her desk, going through files and typing on her computer. She had been very quiet during the celebrations and had insisted on sleeping at her own house the night before. I wanted to keep her close, but I also understood I needed to give her space when she was feeling overwhelmed and understand that I couldn’t fix every single issue she had. Still, I couldn’t help but be worried at how withdrawn she had gotten after Jordan’s outburst. I could tell there was more going on in her head than what she was saying. What I didn’t know was whether she was just hurt or if she really felt bad for getting pregnant with me and not him. I was trying to be as understanding as I possibly could. This had to be a bit confusing for her on that front. However, as I sat there watching her sullen face, I started to worry that I was going to lose her. I had this perfect picture of our lives, with her as the wonderful and amazing mother and me as the doting father, but those were my dreams. I really wished she would talk to me so I could head off whatever might be coming from the thoughts going on in her head. I loved her more than anything and the thought of losing her and the baby was so crushing, it almost made it hard to breathe.
After about an hour, I got up from my desk and went looking for Tiffany. She had left her office earlier and had yet to come back. I didn’t want to smother her, but seeing as she was in a bit of a fragile position, I couldn’t help worrying about her. On top of all of that, I knew there was something going on in her head, and I wanted to get to the bottom of it, for her peace of mind and mine. I needed her to know that whatever she was feeling, she could talk to me about, even if it hurt me, and even if I had to open my mind to a broader perspective. I felt like she was pushing me away at every single turn. I walked into the break room and smiled, watching her standing in front of the coffee machine, her cute little dress blowing back and forth as she moved. She reached up for a cup and poured some coffee into it.
“Are you allowed to have coffee?” I asked the question in the nicest tone possible, truly unsure of what was allowed.
“Yeah,” she sighed. “My doctor said I could have up to 100 mg of caffeine per day, so one cup of coffee isn't going to hurt. Especially since we stock the office with the crappiest coffee we can find.”
“I always thought it was punishment.” I laughed, walking over next to her. She smiled at me and looked back at her cup, stirring it slowly.
“Hey,” I said, putting my hand on hers. “Are you okay? You’ve been acting strange ever since last night.”
She sighed and looked up at me, tears tugging at the corners of her eyes. I turned her toward me and pulled her in close, rubbing her back with my hands. Whatever it was, I needed her to get it off her chest and let it out, even if it was something I couldn’t fix.
“I feel terrible,” she said, pulling away. “To be completely honest, the way Jordan reacted last night made me feel absolutely horrible. It wasn’t what he said as much as how much pain I could see in his eyes as he looked at us. I wish we had pulled him aside and really explained what happened. I think we were reckless just including him in the announcement. How could we possibly think he would be happy for us? No, he didn’t act on the best choice possible, but it’s Jordan we’re talking about here. We all know he lashes out when he’s hurt by something. I feel awful for being so negligent with his feelings. I really felt like it made us no better than him. It was almost like we did it on purpose to make him feel terrible. If you look at it from his perspective, you have everything he was trying to create and with the woman he tried to create it with.”
“Baby,” I said kissing her on the forehead. “I know you feel guilty, and I would be lying if I said part of me didn’t completely agree with you, but you have to remember what happened. He left you, without giving anything a second opinion, a second look, or really understanding anything about what was going on. He didn’t want to stick around when things got even the tiniest bit rough, so to me, his pain is brought on by his own regret. I agree, maybe we should have handled it a better way, but are we going to have to tiptoe through the rest of our lives so that Jordan doesn’t get his feelings hurt? Where does it end? Do we not invite him to our baby’s first birthday party? Do we continue to hide our feelings for each other for the rest of our lives? You cannot put this on yourself.”
“I know,” she sighed. “You are right. I just really started to feel terrible when he ran off like that. I know that when Jordan is really hurting, he runs. It's that fight or flight reflex, and he always chooses flight. Thank you for listening to me and talking me through all of this. It has been a crazy ride so far, and I’m looking forward to the days when everything starts to calm down. I just want to make sure there are no rifts between you and your brother.”
“If there is a rift,” I whispered, “it is one he creates on his own.”
She hugged me tightly and pressed her face into my neck. I could feel her tired body in my arms, and all I wanted to do was carry her out of here and take her home. She needed to rest, but instead, she was here, working her ass off like she always did and shouldering guilt for Jordan like she always did. She pulled back and kissed my cheek, grabbing her cup of coffee and heading back to her office. I stood there for several moments thinking about what she said and how she felt. I understood her feelings because I’d had them, too, but in the end, we gave our happy news to the entire family, not just Jordan. Our intention was never to rub it in his face or hurt him. We had handled this entire situation with as much care and fragility as we possibly could, and all so that Jordan could ease into the thought of Tiffany and I being together, as a family. The pregnancy thing was as much of a surprise to us as it was to him, the difference being we were happy about it and he was jealous and remorseful. I still couldn’t get past the things that he said to Tiffany in anger. I wanted him to feel comfortable, but I refused to spend my life sneaking around him to spare his feelings. I sighed and picked up my mug, making my way back to my desk.
I sat down in my chair and stared down at the files peppering my work space. I had a ton of work to do, but my mind was plagued with what Tiffany had just told me. It really bothered me that she was so upset by Jordan and his reaction to the pregnancy. I couldn’t help but feel that there was something off about everything, and it made me more nervous than fatherhood alone made me. I hoped that everything Tiffany said was everything she was feeling, but part of me worried she had more feelings for Jordan than she was letting on. I tried to push the thoughts from my mind so I could work, but every time I looked up, I could see the pain in Tiffany’s eyes. She sat there, staring off into space, her thoughts a million miles from this office, and even though she said I had made her feel better, I knew with one look of her, that wasn’t true in the least.
My brother had been a thorn in this relationship since the beginning, and he would continue to be that, until I felt comfortable Tiffany wasn’t still in love with him. I was terrified I was going to lose Tiffany. I couldn’t sit around and watch her go back to Jordan, especially with the child in her belly being mine. I didn’t want to lose her, but I was starting to feel that it might actually be something I need to worry about. I loved that woman, and I would do anything I could to bring her back to where she used to be.
Chapter 28
Tiffany
Everything that happened was exactly what I knew or thought or suspected would happen in the situation that I was in. I never thought Jordan would come running over and congratulate us for getting pregnant just a month after he divorced me. I never thought that Jordan would be excited that his brother and I fell in love with each other. Nothing about the way I saw things working out was cloaked in naivety or a fairy tale expectation, but still, I was sitting here thinking of how bad I felt. Jason was right that I should not be so bothered by what happened or how Jordan reacted, but there was something inside of me that just couldn’t push it to the side. I felt terrible, point blank. I knew that most of that feeling was because I had spent my life making sure I was genuinely a nice
person. I opened myself to empathy but in a way that allowed me to feel what other people were feeling. This way, I could better relate to them. This situation, however, I wished I wasn’t so empathetic about. I was completely missing out on the excitement of becoming pregnant because I felt bad for my ex-husband. It sounded ridiculous and twisted, even to me, but I knew until everything was worked out, I would continue to feel this way.
Around the midafternoon, I finished up the new quarter folders for all the employees. I put them all neatly together in a stack and got up from my chair. There was going to be a meeting in the conference room in about a half an hour, so I figured that would be a good place to distribute them. I picked up the stack from my desk and walked into the conference room, stopping dead in my tracks as I walked around the corner and saw Jordan already there. It was the first time I had seen him since dinner at his parents, and from the angry glare on his face, I knew that he hadn’t gotten over it. At first, I wanted to turn around, his arrogant stare pissing me off, but then I turned back, knowing if I never faced this head on, I would spend the rest of my life feeling guilty for something that I shouldn’t feel guilty about. I set down the stack of papers and put my hands on my hips, stepping in the way of the exit.
“You can’t continue to treat me this way,” I said assertively. “I didn’t do anything wrong, and you are acting like everyone is against you. It isn’t fair to me that you have chosen to take your anger out in this manner.”
I stared him down, waiting for a reaction. He looked down at his watch before setting his briefcase on the table and looking back at me. His face was pure anger, and it made me slightly nervous, so I took a step back.
“You lied to me,” he said through gritted teeth.
“No,” I said sternly. “I never lied to you. You just refused to see things as more than just black and white. I told you exactly what my doctor told me. I do have PCOS, and it was confirmed with my specialist. You only heard what you wanted to hear. The doctor told me there was a slim chance of me getting pregnant, which didn’t mean that it was a hundred percent no chance of me ever getting pregnant. Do you know how much time it took for me to figure that out? It took one extra doctor’s visit, Jordan. One. You didn’t care enough to stick around and even find me a second opinion. You didn’t care enough to push forward and see what could be done to correct the situation.”
“You pretty much told me you were never going to be able to have children,” he argued back. “I don’t remember you ever saying anything about slim or maybe.”
“Because you only heard what you wanted to hear,” I said angrily.
I watched as his face changed from contemplative back to angry. One thing about Jordan that made arguing difficult was the fact that he never wanted to admit that he could be wrong for even a second. He would argue his point beyond all sense, rationality, or reason. It was very frustrating.
“I never said there was a hundred percent chance that I would never get pregnant. I never said never,” I argued quietly. “Do you think that finding out that I couldn’t have children was easy for me? Did you think that maybe when I came home to talk to you, I was feeling confused, angry, and upset? You didn’t even try to be there for me. You didn’t even try to listen to what I had to say, a lot like right now. You are so damn stubborn that you won’t open your ears and really listen. I never, not once, said there was no chance at all. You heard what you wanted to hear, and you took that information and left me all alone. You broke my spirit, Jordan. You sent me packing without any explanation or caring, and after all the years we had been together. I didn’t just lose a husband that day. I lost the possibility of having children, I lost my best friend, my relationship, and the only family I ever knew. What you did was so wrong on so many levels. I can’t even begin to tell you what you put me through. While you were out there picking up chicks at the bar, reveling in your freedom, I was at home picking the pieces of myself off the floor, all while keeping the secret as to why you chose to end the relationship so people wouldn’t look poorly at you.”
I didn’t know why, but at that moment, my emotions kicked into high gear. Maybe it was the hormones from the pregnancy, maybe it was the pent-up anger I had for Jordan, but either way, I was on a roll, and I didn’t see myself stopping. I slammed the folders on the desk, drawing the attention of the people in the surrounding areas. Tears began to run down my cheeks as anger simmered in my belly, beginning to bubble over. I pointed my finger at Jordan and walked forward, my voice raising three levels as I continued.
“If you thought for one second that I would come running back to you after what you put me through, you were dead wrong. You keep telling everyone that I left you, but that is complete and total bullshit, and you know it. The day I told you about my condition, you bolted, leaving me alone to grieve it. Well, you know what happened? I never did. I was so wrapped up in the fact that my new husband of three months had left me. Abandoned me when I was in pain. I actually started to think up ways to make myself better so you would come back. I actually thought I wasn’t good enough for you. In the end, though, the truth was, you weren’t good enough for me.”
I turned around, wiping the tears from my cheek and looking at the crowd that had gathered. People were already talking about me behind my back, and now, they had all seen me completely lose it on Jordan. Great, even more for people to whisper about behind my back now. Just what I needed. I paused for a moment and gathered myself before pushing through the onlookers and making my way to John’s office. I just didn’t see how I was going to be able to continue to come to work every day and be ridiculed by the staff over a situation they knew nothing about.
I knocked on John’s door and entered, closing the door behind me. I sat down in the chair across from his desk and took a deep breath, feeling my emotions getting the best of me. John looked up at me and alarm shot across his face once he saw my bloodshot eyes and tear-streaked cheeks.
“I wanted to know if there was a way that I could work remotely,” I asked.
“Is everything okay with the baby?” He sat up in his chair with concern.
“Yes,” I said, shaking my head. “Everything is fine with the baby. It’s just that coming to this office is starting to become more stressful than I think I could handle. There are rumors flying everywhere, and though I know that I am responsible for those rumors with my break up with Jordan and my relationship with Jason, it isn’t fair, and it is making for a hostile work environment for myself and for Jason. I don’t speak on his behalf at all, but the whispers and stares are really hard to withstand day in and day out.”
“I understand where you are coming from, but I need you in an office, not at home,” he said kindly. “I could transfer you to our San Diego office and have you fly home on the weekends if that would help.”
“I don’t know,” I sighed. “That’s an eight-hour flight both ways. Can I have some time to think about it?”
“Of course,” he said with a kind smile. “Take all the time you need. But know that it isn’t a permanent solution to your problem, and with the pregnancy, I don’t know how healthy it would be to take that option. You should take a deep breath and think about. Talk to Jason, he’s a level-headed person who can give you some really good insight.”
“I will.” I smiled at him, though it felt rather forced. “Thank you, John.”
“Anytime,” he said as I walked toward the door. “And remember my door is always open.”
I nodded and walked out of the office feeling completely torn about what to do. On one hand, going to San Diego would keep the stress of this whole thing off my shoulders, but it would only be temporary. I was in a relationship with Jason, and I loved him. We were getting ready to start a family together and jetting off to San Diego to run away from my problems would just make things worse. But this situation seemed ridiculous and hopeless, and the people in the office were ruthless. As I turned the corner, I could see several of the women huddled together staring over at me. I
rushed past and into my office, shutting the door and leaning back against it. I was so damn confused, and I knew I could talk to Jason, but without a doubt, he would never go for me flying back and forth between here and San Diego.
I sat down at my desk and put my head in my hands. I felt completely helpless and lost with no clue of what I should do. There was no way I was going to be able to continue to fight with Jordan. I refused to spend my life making all my decisions based on whether Jordan would be happy or upset. I was no longer his wife and shouldn’t have to deal with his attitude and disregard for the truth. He was Jason’s brother, which meant I couldn’t completely cut him out, but something had to happen and it had to happen fast. I did not want to be the reason that he and his brother didn’t have a relationship. I refused to be the piece of the puzzle that broke the entire thing. I shook my head, thinking about my life three months ago, wondering how everything had gotten turned so upside down. I wanted to talk to Jason about it, but at the same time, I knew he was fearful that I was going to leave him for Jordan.