by Rhonda Bowen
“But the news said …”
“The news lied. That shouldn’t surprise you.”
Jules sighed. It didn’t. “I guess there’s the whole thing about your business being burned to the ground as well,” she said quietly.
Germaine shrugged. “It’s just a building, Jules. Material things can be recovered. It’s the things that can’t be replaced that I’m more worried about.”
Jules knew where he was going with that. But she wasn’t sure she was ready for that part of the conversation yet.
She gripped the edge of the sofa tightly and tried to slow her mind, which was currently working in overdrive. She watched Germaine lean against the wall across from her, his eyes still examining her in a rather unnerving way.
“Go ahead,” he finally said.
“What?”
“I can see the questions forming in your mind,” he said. “So go ahead and ask them.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me from the beginning what was going on? Wouldn’t that have been easier?”
“When I met you, Jules, this was already happening,” Germaine said. “I was already in the habit of keeping it to myself.”
“So you had no problem lying to me?” Jules asked. “Even when it meant the end of us?”
“Yes,” Germaine said firmly. “Because I knew it would be safer for you that way. Besides, look how well things turned out when I finally did tell you something.”
Jules’s head snapped up.
“That’s not fair, Germaine. What would you have done if you were in my position?”
“I would have waited,” he said without a moment’s hesitation.
“It’s easy to be self-righteous when you’re on the other side, Germaine.”
“I went out on a limb for you, Jules.” He stepped toward her, his eyes burning into her. “I told my supervisors, no way will she say anything. She promised me. I trust her. But I guess that was my mistake.”
Jules shook her head. “You wanted me to trust you, Germaine But you never gave me a reason to. You don’t just get trust like that, Germaine. You have to earn it.”
“I guess I didn’t earn yours then.”
A heavy silence fell between them as the weight of Germaine’s words hung in the air. Jules had known that coming here was going to be hard, but she had never thought it would hurt so much.
“I’m sorry, Germaine,” Jules said. There was no more anger in her, just sadness as she looked up at him.
“I know you are, Jules,” Germaine said. “But the thing that bothers me the most is that if you had it to do all over again, you’d probably do the same thing.”
She felt her body tense, and she stood up to face him.
“You’re right,” she said. “I probably would, if you lied to me then, just like you lied to me before. I’m sorry if you were expecting some ride or die chick who would watch you get into trouble and not do anything about it. That’s not me. I can’t do that with people I care about.”
“I never asked for all that,” Germaine said, matching her even tone. “I just asked you to stand by me. But you couldn’t do that either. Everything has to be Jules’s way or the highway.
“You know what my life’s been like, with my dad dying, and then my mom sending me away. I thought you understood that I needed you to have my back through everything. But with you I’ll always be wondering if you’re gonna question every move I make. I can’t live like that.”
“And I can’t be that girl who’s gonna follow you blindly.”
“Well, then I guess we know where we stand.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Jules said.
This was it. It was really over.
Jules dropped her head and closed her eyes. Her chest felt heavy with the thought of never being with him again. But she couldn’t be that girl he wanted her to be. It just wasn’t in her.
Opening her eyes, she slowly turned to retrieve her purse from the sofa where she had flung it some moments before. She could feel his eyes watching her. He was so close that the warmth of his body seemed to surround her, making it hard to breath. With just the slightest of movements, she could reach out and touch him. But she didn’t. Neither did she dare look up, for fear that those golden eyes would make her cave. No, this time she had to be strong.
She turned to leave, but his voice stopped her halfway to the door.
“Remember when you asked me why I never asked for your number that first night?”
Jules nodded without turning around.
“It was because I wasn’t sure if I should get you tangled up with all the craziness that was happening in my life. It was selfish even to consider it. I should have known it was impossible to keep it separate from you.
“If it’s worth anything, I’m sorry.”
Jules closed her eyes and willed the tears to stay under her eyelids as Germaine’s words sunk in.
“Bye, Germaine,” she said quietly, slipping through the front door and closing it behind her.
It wasn’t until she got to the car that the tears began again in earnest.
Chapter 21
When Tanya called, Jules was curled up on her couch watching Love and Basketball. She had seen the movie at least a dozen times, but something about this favorite film of hers made it the perfect remedy for her current state of mind.
It had been two weeks since that day at Germaine’s apartment, and even though she no longer cried at the thought of him, the emptiness still lingered in her heart, like a dull ache that wouldn’t go away.
She had managed to avoid seeing him by avoiding everyone else. It wasn’t so hard since the promotional activities for Truuth’s album were pretty much over, and Triad was focusing their attention on launching one of their other new artists. ‘Dre had asked Jules if she wanted to help with that, but she had declined, saying she was too tired from work. The truth was she was too tired from tossing and turning every night. She hadn’t slept a full night since the last time she had seen Germaine.
If that wasn’t bad enough, her mother still wasn’t speaking to her, and she hadn’t heard anything from work, even though her so called “leave of absence” was almost over. All in all, Jules felt that this was about as low as she could get.
As she listened to the phone ring, Jules considered not answering it. But when the caller ID showed that it was Tanya, she reluctantly put down the half-eaten pint of mint chocolate ice cream she had been nursing. She figured that if Tanya had been desperate enough to make a long distance call from Calgary to Toronto, then it was probably worth answering.
“Hello?”
“Jules, it’s me, Tanya.”
“Yeah, I know,” Jules said. She hoped her tone would make Tanya realize she wasn’t really in the mood to talk. She knew she should be excited about Truuth’s nomination at the Covenant Awards, which he, Maxine, Tanya, and ‘Dre were in Calgary attending, but she just couldn’t muster the energy.
“Maxine, are you there?”
“Yeah, I’m here,” Maxine said impatiently. “I don’t get why you needed to talk to the both of us at the same time.”
“Yeah, what’s going on, Tanya?” Jules asked, her interest only slightly piqued. She settled on the side of the couch near to the phone and stretched across until she could reach the ice cream she had just abandoned.
“I told him,” Tanya said, her trembling voice betraying her slight panic.
“What!” Maxine and Jules exclaimed at the same time.
“I told ‘Dre,” Tanya repeated, even though they both knew very well who she was talking about.
“When?”
“What exactly did you tell him?”
“I told him that I had feelings for him … just a while ago, actually.”
“You didn’t!” Maxine exclaimed.
“Oh, Tanya,” Jules groaned in despair. “Why would you do that?”
“Because you told me to,” Tanya whined.
“I told you to talk to him, not to scare him away!”
“Okay, okay. Let’s all just calm down,” Maxine said, cutting in. “Tanya, I think you need to start from the beginning and tell us exactly what happened.”
Jules heard Tanya take a deep breath across the line, and guessed that she was probably hidden away somewhere, hyperventilating.
“Well, we were inside the theater for the awards show,” Tanya said in a squeaky high-pitched voice.
“And?” Maxine probed.
“And they announced the presenters for the Urban R&B Soul Song of the Year, the one Truuth was nominated for.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And I was looking at ‘Dre, and he was really nervous, you know. ‘Cause that song was really important to him. You know it was the one he and Truuth—”
“… wrote together. Yes, we know,” Maxine said, hurrying her along.
“Maxine, will you just let her finish?” Jules said, annoyed with all the interruptions.
“Well, she’s taking forever, and Truuth’s probably inside the theater wondering where I am,” Maxine shot back.
“Ladies!” Tanya hissed. “Can we focus here?”
“Sorry,” they both mumbled.
“So like I was saying, he was really nervous about the award, so I grabbed his hand, and he looked at me in this weird way … but not a bad way…. It’s hard to explain … but at that moment it was almost as if everything was completely clear…. It was like I knew …”
“… that you were in love with him,” Jules finished.
“Yeah,” Tanya said quietly. She sighed heavily. “So I told him.”
“You told him?” Maxine asked in disbelief. “You just said, ‘ ‘Dre, I think I have feelings for you’?”
Tanya hesitated for a moment. “Yeah.”
For a moment none of them spoke, and all Jules could hear was the muffled sound of applause in the background, as the show continued on.
“So what happened after that?” Maxine asked.
“They called Truuth’s name.”
“What?” Jules asked in confusion.
“They called Truuth up for the award, and then he called ‘Dre up on stage with him.”
“Hmm, no wonder ‘Dre looked so out of it when he got up there,” Maxine said, more to herself than to any of them.
“Yeah,” Tanya echoed.
“So he didn’t say a word when you told him? Nothing at all?” Jules asked.
“Not a word,” Tanya said in a small voice.
“After they collected the award, they went backstage, and I panicked and left.”
“So where are you now?” Jules asked.
“In the ladies’ room.”
In that instant Jules pictured Tanya pacing around the bathroom in her Roberto Cavalli dress and matching Gucci shoes, looking absolutely incredible, except for her red eyes and running mascara.
“Maxine! How come you didn’t see all this?” Jules exclaimed.
“They seated me and Truuth on the other side of the room. I didn’t even know where ‘Dre was until Truuth called him up,” Maxine protested. “Tanya, where are you exactly?”
“In the ladies’ room outside the east theater entrance.”
“Don’t move. I’ll be right there.”
“Jules, what am I going to do,” Tanya groaned a moment after Maxine hung up from the three-way call.
“Nothing,” Jules replied simply.
“Huh?”
“You told him how you feel, honey. Now the ball is in his court. You just have to wait. Give it a moment to sink in. You know ‘Dre. He’ll need some time with this one,” Jules said.
“But it’s gonna be so weird with him now.”
“Yes, but at least now he knows how you feel,” Jules said. “Don’t you feel better just knowing that you told him? Even though you don’t know how it might turn out, at least you don’t have to carry that around anymore.”
Tanya thought about it for a second. “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” she said thoughtfully. Then she sighed again. “I’m also scared to death that I’ll lose one of my best friends.”
“I don’t think that will happen,” Jules said. “Tanya, I think God brings certain people into our lives at certain times for a reason. I’ve known ‘Dre for a while. And outside of his sister and his momma, I’ve never seen him respect any girl as much as he respects you. He doesn’t know it, but that boy trusts you with his life T, more than even me and Maxine.
“I don’t know how things are gonna work out. But I’m pretty sure you and ‘Dre are going to be a part of each other’s lives for a long time.”
“You know,” Tanya said thoughtfully. “Before tonight I was seriously wondering if telling ‘Dre how I felt was the right thing to do. This weekend especially it was really on my mind. I really had to pray hard about it.
“But when I got up this morning, I knew I had to,” Tanya said. “I guess I just wasn’t prepared for him to not say anything.”
“Just wait, honey,” Jules said comfortingly. “It will all work out.”
Tanya was silent for a moment.
“Is that what you’re doing with Germaine? Waiting?” Tanya asked suddenly.
Jules sighed. Even though she had come clean to Maxine and Tanya about everything that had happened with Germaine, she had still avoided talking much about it. She should have known better than to think her best friends would let it die.
“I’m not doing anything, Tanya,” Jules said. “Me and Germaine are over. That’s it for us.”
“I can’t believe you’re giving up that easy,” Tanya said. “I know how much you like this guy. Plus, I know he was good for you. You’ve never been with a guy who actually encouraged you to grow. That kinda thing is hard to find.”
Tanya was right. During her time with Germaine, Jules knew that if nothing else, he had helped her look more closely at a lot of things, including her relationship with God.
“Yeah, but he doesn’t trust me anymore. I don’t think he wants anything to do with me.”
“But what do you think God wants?”
“Huh?”
“You just told me that God brings people into our life for a reason, right?”
“Yeah,” Jules said, uncertain about where this was going.
“Well, what if Germaine is that person you’re supposed to be with?”
“If that’s the case then my life is gonna be pretty pathetic from here on out,” Jules said dryly.
“Come on, Jules, be serious,” Tanya chided.
“I am!” Jules protested. “He’s made up his mind that I am not it for him. And you know what, maybe he’s right. Maybe we’ve got too many issues between the both of us.”
“So what?”
“So what am I supposed to do with that?” Jules asked.
“Give it to God.”
“What?”
“Give it to God. You told me to give my situation with ‘Dre to God; you need to give your situation with Germaine to God,” Tanya said. “You know, for a girl who is always encouraging others to have faith, you sure suck at having some yourself.
“Okay, so the situation looks messed up now, but don’t give up on it. Now’s the time to get on your knees about it.”
“Please, Tanya, I can’t pray to God about a man.”
“Why not?” Tanya asked in surprise. “You pray about everything else. You pray about your career, about where you should live. I know you, Jules, you even pray when you go shopping. If you can ask Him for direction in those small things, why can’t you let Him lead you completely in the big things? I think determining who you give your heart to is pretty big.”
“I don’t know, Tanya. It just looks so hopeless.”
“All the better,” Tanya said brightly. “Hopeless situations are His specialty.”
Jules sighed. “I guess I really haven’t been trusting in God with this one. I’ve been so busy trying to fix things myself.
“Did I tell you he called me a
fixer?”
“Who, Germaine?”
“Yeah.”
Tanya laughed. “He sure knows you. And you had doubts that you two belong together.”
“I still do.”
“Well, we’ll let Someone else have the last word on that,” Tanya said.
“Okay, okay. Hey, wasn’t I the one that was supposed to be helping you?” Jules asked, suddenly remembering why Tanya had called in the first place.
Tanya laughed. “We helped each other. That’s what friends do, right?”
“Right,” Jules said, smiling for the first time all day.
In the background Jules could hear Maxine calling Tanya, and she figured that they had somehow found each other.
“Okay, Max is here.”
“Yeah, I can hear her big mouth,” Jules said, laughing. “Don’t let her stir you into a panic.”
“I won’t. I’ll call you tomorrow when I get back.”
“Okay, T. Take care.”
After she hung up the phone, Jules stood up from the couch, retrieved the melting ice cream, and dumped it in the kitchen sink. She then returned to the living room and clicked off the TV. She had had enough of Sanaa and Omar for the day. Now it was time for her to have a little faith.
Jules stared at the blue door in front of her and wondered if she was making a mistake.
After talking to Tanya, she had spent some time talking to God. It had helped her realize that feeling sorry for herself was not going to get her anywhere.
She also realized that in order for her to move forward, there were a few people she needed to make amends with. She had decided that this would be the first stop on her reconciliation tour. But now, as she stared at the large, foreboding doorway, she began to wonder if she shouldn’t have left this particular meeting for last.
She sighed to herself.
Oh, well. I’m already here. Might as well get it over with.
Raising her hand she knocked firmly on the door. Since she had not called before heading over, she had no idea whether anyone was home. She quickly decided that if no one answered by the second knock, she would go. But before she could raise her hand a second time, the door swung wide open.