by M. S. Parker
“Thank you,” I said.
“For what?”
I turned my head to kiss his chest. “For doing exactly what you promised. Making me forget.”
He was quiet for a moment, then asked, “Did you...like it?”
I raised my head and gave him a questioning look. “Seriously? You did feel me come, right?”
“I wasn't sure...” His voice trailed off as he turned his head away.
“Jas,” I said his name gently. “I don't fake it.”
He looked down at me, a vulnerable expression on his face. “It's just...I don't want you to think I only...I mean...”
“Jas.” I pushed myself up and kissed him. “If I hadn't wanted to do it, I would've said so. Did it hurt? A bit. Was it worth it? Yes.” I settled back down on his chest. “I love you.”
His arm tightened around me. “I love you too.”
Chapter 14
Since I didn't have to worry about work for a while, or even grading papers over the holiday, I decided to spend the Wednesday before Thanksgiving focused on making my first real holiday without Allen more than just bearable. I knew I'd been fortunate in the timing of Allen's death when it came to holidays. I'd had some time to heal. I knew there would be things about the holidays that would make me sad, but it wasn't going to ruin them.
Jasper and I talked it over and decided we wanted to do a small Thanksgiving here. I called Mitchell first thing this morning to invite him to come, but he'd told me he'd been seeing someone for a few weeks and she'd invited him to spend Thanksgiving with her family. Since he'd never mentioned that he'd been dating someone, I suspected he'd made it up to have an excuse for not having to spend the day pretending that things weren't strained between the three of us. I didn't call him on it though. There was always the chance he just hadn't told me about his new girlfriend.
While I loved my brother, I had to admit that I felt some relief that he wouldn't be there. I had so much else going on, so much I needed to deal with, having Mitchell there would just be one more thing on my mind. The last thing I wanted to do was spend all of Thanksgiving wondering if Mitchell was going to make some ignorant comment to or about me and Jasper.
Jasper hadn't even considered going to his parents' house. When I'd asked him about it, he'd simply said that when he'd quit working at his father's practice, his father had made it perfectly clear that Jasper's decision was the same as choosing me over his family. Knowing that Jasper's relationship with his family was rocky, I hadn't pressed the matter.
Instead of worrying about our families or any of the other stuff going on in our lives, I focused on getting the house ready for the next day and planning the menu. I'd planned half a dozen Thanksgiving meals for Allen, Jasper, Mitchell and myself, but I wanted this one to be different. I didn't want Jasper to feel like he was a replacement for Allen by keeping everything else the same.
I didn't decorate as much as I had in the past, but I did get into one of the closets to get out a few things. While Jasper was in at the clinic, I put out the decorations and got to work cleaning. I scrubbed the place from top to bottom, letting myself get lost in the physical activity of it. By the time I was done and showered, my entire body was aching. Adding in how sore certain parts of my anatomy were from the previous night, I was glad I had leftovers from what Jasper had made yesterday so I didn't have to cook anything else.
Jasper and I kept it casual, eating in the living room while we watched the news. While I'd thoroughly enjoyed how we'd spent the night before, I was glad for some down time where all we were doing was sitting on the couch, holding hands, leaning on each other. Sitting like this, planning what we wanted to eat tomorrow, what we were going to do, made me feel almost normal.
We woke late for us the next morning, but still early enough to enjoy the parade while we ate the cinnamon rolls I'd bought specifically for today. After breakfast, we put on a football game in the background even though neither of us were particularly interested in either team playing. Jasper was a Colts fan and this hadn't been their year. I could pretty much take or leave the game. Still, football and Thanksgiving went hand-in-hand.
The turkey went into the bottom oven so it'd be ready late afternoon. The top was reserved for switching between toasting the bread and baking the pre-made pumpkin pies I'd bought. We went back and forth between the kitchen and the living room, checking on food, commenting on the score or various plays.
When everything was ready, we headed into the dining room to eat. The food turned out amazing and we spent the first few minutes in silence, simply enjoying the meal.
“You know, the only good holidays I had were the ones I had with you and Allen.” He took another sip of his wine. “Holidays with you two were the only ones where I knew I didn't have to worry about who was going to say what, or pretend to be someone I wasn't.”
I reached over and put my hand over his. He flipped his over, and threaded his fingers through mine.
“I don't have any good memories of holidays with my family,” he said quietly. “Not one. Not even before I pulled all that shit as a teenager and they had an excuse to treat...” His voice trailed off.
My heart ached for him, for the child he'd been. I'd known only bits and pieces about his childhood, enough to know that it hadn't been a happy one. His parents seemed to be those kinds of people who wanted the world to think they had the perfect family, and anyone who didn't fit that mold didn't belong.
“Thank you for doing this today. I know it couldn't have been easy for you.” His fingers tightened around mine.
“I miss him,” I said honestly. “But it's different than how it was. It's not so much that I wish he was here because I can't be happy without him, but I do miss him.”
“I do too.” He raised our hands and brushed his lips across my knuckles. “I know exactly what you mean. I love you and I know if he was here, we wouldn't be together, but a part of me still wishes he was here.”
I wanted to reassure him, to tell him that if Allen hadn't died, we still would've ended up together, but I couldn't say it. Allen's death had changed me, and it was that change that had brought Jasper and I together. If Allen was still alive, I wouldn't be me, not this me. And I would still have loved him.
“It messes with my head sometimes,” Jasper admitted. “Like how I can wish Allen wasn't dead, when I know that if he was still alive, I wouldn't have you? But how can I be happy I have you, without being happy Allen's dead?”
“I get it,” I said. “It's hard to separate everything.”
He nodded. “And that's always going to be there, isn't it?”
“I think so,” I said.
He was quiet for a moment, thoughtful. “How do you deal with it?”
We'd talked about Allen, shared memories of our times together. We'd both talked about how Allen would've wanted us to be happy and would have wanted me to love again. We hadn't talked about this though. We hadn't objectively discussed how we each balanced missing Allen with our new happiness. Because I was happy, despite all of the other stuff going on around me. Jasper made me happy, made me feel safe.
I shrugged. “I admit I can never reconcile those two things. I loved Allen and I miss him, but I love you and I'm happy with you.”
He gave me a soft smile. “I love you too.”
After a moment, I turned back to my plate. “Do you have anything that you normally do the day after Thanksgiving? Black Friday shopping?”
He shook his head. “I always just worked, even if it was volunteering at the ER.”
“You worked a lot over the holidays,” I said, remembering.
“I never had any reason not to,” he said. “I liked to let other people spend the holidays with their families since I never wanted to be with mine, and I only had a couple hours with you and Allen.”
“Well, you have a family to be with now,” I said. “So no working Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.”
“Agreed.” He smiled. “Do you want me to close the clinic
tomorrow? We could stay home and decorate for Christmas.”
My stomach tightened as I thought of decorating the house for my favorite holiday. Allen and I always did that together the day after Thanksgiving. We'd spend the night before watching movies together, and then we'd sleep late the next day. After breakfast, we'd take down the fall decorations, and then start putting up the Christmas ones...
“Did I say something wrong?” Jasper's voice was concerned.
“No.” I shook my head. “Sorry. I was just thinking about how Allen and I used to decorate the day after Thanksgiving...”
“We don't have to,” Jasper said quickly. “Whatever you want. We can decorate a different day, or you can do it whenever. A bit at a time.”
“I don't know,” I said. “I'm just not sure if I can handle a big Christmas. I mean, I want to do Christmas. With you. But I don't know if I can do all of the things...I mean, decorating, and hosting a party and...”
“Hey.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips firmly against mine. “We don't have to do any of that. Even if it's just you and me exchanging gifts Christmas morning, that's enough.” He smiled. “Hell, we don't even have to do that. I just want to be able to wake up next to you and know that I finally get to spend Christmas morning with the person I love.”
I smiled back, grateful for his understanding. I wanted to give him a wonderful Christmas, just like we were having a great Thanksgiving. I didn't know if I'd be able to do it, but for Jasper, I was willing to try.
Chapter 15
Part of me was glad that Jasper had decided to work the day after Thanksgiving. More of me was glad that he decided to go in late because he woke me up with one orgasm and then fucked me into another. All in all, it was a great way to wake up and I couldn't deny that I'd thoroughly enjoyed watching him getting dressed after. I liked him getting undressed even more, but I wasn't going to ask him to spend the day in bed, no matter how tempting it was.
After he left, I got up and spent the rest of the day cleaning up from yesterday. We had plenty of leftovers so I nibbled as I packed it up in separate containers, each one enough for a meal. We'd be good through the whole weekend. I'd gone a bit overboard with the food, but it wouldn't have felt like Thanksgiving otherwise.
It was strange, taking down the fall decorations and not putting up the Christmas ones I knew were sitting in boxes upstairs. A part of me still wanted to go up and get the decorations, put them all in their usual places. I wanted to stand in the living room and see the place where the tree would go, see the stockings hanging up...
Shit. I sat down on the edge of the couch. I couldn't do it. I couldn't put up the decorations Allen and I had bought together. I couldn't put up my stocking without seeing his matching one, even if it was only in my imagination. And the tree. We'd gotten a fake plastic one our first year together and even though it had been a fairly cheap one, we'd kept it. And then there were the ornaments. Some of them were ones I'd gotten as a child and teenager, but a lot were ones that Allen and I had bought together. I didn't think I could look at those either. Not today at least.
While I didn't get any decorating done, I did manage to put a dent in my Christmas shopping online. Not that I had a lot of people to buy for anymore, I suddenly realized. There was Mitchell and Jasper, of course. Mitchell's girlfriend if she really existed and still existed at Christmastime. But unless the two of us happened to become best friends before then, the best I could do for her would be something vague and impersonal. I'd be buying something for Gina and Junie too. I usually bought something small for Principal Sanders and did a fruit tray for all of the teachers, but if I wasn't back to work by then, I wasn't about to go out of my way to buy anything for them.
And I didn't have to buy for the Lockwoods. Or, more accurately, attempt to buy for them. Every year that I'd been with Allen, I'd tried to buy Christmas presents for Allen's parents, both of his siblings, their spouses, and their kids. And every year, they smiled and pretended to love whatever it was I'd given them. Then I'd hear them making comments to each other as if I couldn't hear them. Reasons why what I'd bought hadn't been good enough, or had been the wrong thing altogether. All of the excuses they'd use to justify exchanging, or simply returning, whatever it was I'd gotten them.
For the first time since before I'd met Allen, there was a good possibility that all of my gifts would actually be kept.
It was surprising how relieved I was by that.
When I got up Monday morning, Jasper was already gone, but he'd left me a note on the refrigerator.
Miss you. Love you. - J
Four words, one letter. And my insides were all mush.
I traced his initial with my finger and smiled. Maybe tonight we could talk about some things we could do for Christmas that wouldn't involve getting into memories. Some new things that we could make our own.
Someone knocked on the door. I frowned. I'd told Jacques to take off today and tomorrow too. He'd done so much for me.
When I opened the door, however, it wasn't Jacques on the other side. It was Detectives Reed and Rheingard.
“Can I help you?” I managed to give them a polite smile.
“Mrs. Lockwood.” Detective Reed held out a piece of paper. “We have a search warrant for your house.”
I took the paper, staring at it as a string of cops stepped past me and into the house. A search warrant? Why were they searching my house? What were they looking for?
“Mrs. Lockwood.” Detective Rheingard stepped closer and looked down at me. “You'll want to set that down.”
“Why?” My head was reeling.
The detectives exchanged a look and I set down the warrant. I didn't want to think it, but I knew where this was going.
Again.
“Shae Lockwood, you're under arrest...”
I let the words wash over me as I heard them for the second time. It felt even more surreal than before. Here I was, in my comfy yoga pants and sweatshirt, getting my hands cuffed behind my back and I almost couldn't believe it was happening. There were men in my house, going through my things, trying to find something to prove that I'd killed Allen. And I was being arrested again.
I decided that this time, I would play things differently. I'd tried doing what I thought was the right thing before. I'd talked to them without a lawyer, thinking that would prove that I was innocent. I'd answered their questions over and over. I hadn't lied about anything. I'd even taken them a personal letter because I'd thought it would help.
Fuck that.
This time, I was exercising my right to remain silent. I didn't say a word during the drive back to the station or even when they walked me inside. They went through the same things they'd done before when they'd booked me, Reed running his mouth the entire time. Since I hadn't asked for a lawyer, I knew he was trying to get me to say something incriminating that could be admitted into evidence. Even though I didn't really have anything that could incriminate me because I was innocent, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he'd managed to get under my skin enough to make me talk about anything.
By the time I was finally put into an interrogation room, it was all I could do to keep my temper. Even Rheingard seemed annoyed with how far Reed had taken things. His insinuations about Jasper and my relationship had gone from not-so-subtle innuendos to flat-out filth. The one reaction I hadn't been able to control was my face and the fact that it was burning was amusing Reed to no end.
The smirk fell off his face the minute I sat down, looked straight at him and said the magic words.
“I want to call my lawyer.”
Detective Rheingard simply looked resigned, as if he'd expected me to lawyer up. Detective Reed looked like I'd just stolen his birthday present. He all but stomped out of the room, leaving me alone with Rheingard. I leaned back in my chair and waited.
Mr. Henley arrived less than a half hour after I called him. He rather politely asked the detective to leave us alone, and then began to explain
what he'd found out.
“This arrest warrant is going to stick,” Henley said with a frown. “They don't have any real evidence, but this judge has decided that he's going to let things play out.”
“Do you think that the Lockwoods are pushing it?” I asked.
Henley sighed. “I do, but it'd be practically impossible to prove it.”
“So what happens next?” I asked. I hadn't expected the Lockwoods to be held accountable for any of that.
“They legally have to get you in front of a judge for arraignment within twenty-four hours.”
“I could be here all night.” I closed my eyes. I had no doubt that would be the case. They'd want to keep me as long as they could, hope that it would make me start talking. Or maybe they just wanted to piss me off. I knew which one of them would eventually happen.
“Yes,” Henley answered honestly. “I think they're going to schedule you for arraignment tomorrow morning.”
I nodded. “Can you let Jasper know?”
My chest tightened at the thought of him. I didn't want to think about spending the night here, being without him. I already knew I didn't sleep well away from him. This was going to be so much worse.
“I'll call him first thing,” Henley promised.
I nodded again. “Arraignment is when they decide if I get bail, right?”
“It is.” Henley shifted in his chair. “I don't see a judge remanding you, not with evidence this weak. But if the Lockwoods are putting some political pressure on, I doubt you'll be let out ROR.”
“That means without having to pay bail, right?” I asked.
Henley nodded. “Now, because the trust is still being contested, you won't be able to use it to post bail, but you do have the vineyard and your own bank account, so I'll make sure everything is ready to get you out as soon as the judge gives us a number.”
“Then what?”
“Then you go home and I do my job. I've already got a couple criminal attorneys lined up to help me with some things.”