by Sky Corgan
“Do you think that Jeff will actually find Tammy and tell her about you and Dominick?” Victor asked one day at lunch.
“I don't know, and I really don't care,” I groaned.
“You obviously do care. You've always cared.”
“She wouldn't listen to him. She'd just call the police.”
“Surely, she has to be suspicious at this point. What other reason would you have for not wanting to leave Dominick after that happened to you.”
“I suppose you're right.” I thought about it for a moment. “I just hope things return to how they were before soon.”
“They probably never will. That was a pretty big deal.”
“I know,” I sighed. “Sometimes I feel like I cause Dominick more trouble than I'm worth.”
“You two could always break up, you know? I wouldn't mind filling the gap.”
“Was that a joke?”
“I don't know. Was it?” He gave me a strange look, his hazel eyes opening wide.
I laughed. “You know, I had the weirdest dream about the two of you kissing. It was so realistic.”
“I'm just saying that you're not entirely wrong. I'm sure there are better people for him than you.”
“Well that's a nasty thing to say.” My mood quickly took a turn. “You're supposed to be my friend. Saying things like that doesn't help.”
“You value my friendship because I'm honest. You'd be better off without each other.”
Those words echoed through my brain throughout the rest of the day. Would we be better off without each other? Our relationship was definitely tumultuous. I didn't want to think about that though. I loved Dominick with every fiber of my being. We had made it through a lot of other bumps in the road. We'd get through this too.
Things didn't seem to be getting better though. Dominick was distant all throughout the week. When I'd come home, he'd be in his office typing away and would barely say hello to me. We'd eat our meals together, but he'd never ask me anything more than how my day was going. The awkward silence killed me, but I didn't know what to fill it with.
I was absolutely elated when he told me he wanted to take me out to dinner on Friday night. Maybe he was finally coming out of his depressed spell and was going to make an effort to try to put things back to the way they were. It had been a while since we'd gone out on a date together, so this had to mean something.
When he picked me up from school on Friday, however, there was no smile on his face. He asked how my day had gone, the same as he did every day, and then we drove to the restaurant in awkward silence. While there was no conversation in the car, my mind was completely swimming, wondering what was wrong. Perhaps he had a bad day, and that was affecting his mood. He didn't seem more miserable or happy than usual though.
We pulled up in front of the restaurant, and I smiled as I took his arm. His body stiffened at my touch, and guilt raced through me. Maybe I wasn't the only one who didn't like being touched anymore.
We waited to be seated at a booth, and I tried to keep an upbeat attitude, hoping that I could eventually turn his mood around. Dominick wouldn't even glance in my direction. He grabbed his menu and propped it up so that I couldn't see his eyes, looking completely immersed it in, as if we hadn't been to the restaurant dozens of times before. He was acting strange, and I was quickly becoming sick of it.
“Listen, we need to talk,” I began after the waitress had taken our order.
“Yes, we do,” he replied, still avoiding my eyes.
“I know things have been different with us lately, because of what happened,” I said, feeling uncomfortable for even bringing up the incident. “But we're going to get through this. You're just going to have to learn to let me in more, and I'm going to have to learn to let you in more. All we have is each other.”
“No. You have Tammy too.”
“Tammy and I have already discussed this at length. My relationship with Tammy is fine. It's our relationship that I'm worried about.”
Dominick bite his bottom lip nervously. “That's what I want to talk about.”
“Whatever you need me to do to help us get through this, I'm willing to do.”
“I want to break up.”
His words caught me completely off guard. It was like being punched right in the face. The blood vessels in my head throbbed, making me feel dizzy. I couldn't have possibly heard him right.
“What?” I asked stupidly.
“This isn't working anymore. I want to break up,” his voice was steady and firm.
Tears spilled down my chin. Suddenly, every part of me ached, the room was too hot, and I felt my voice disappear inside of me. I sat in stunned silence for several moments, simply staring at the condensation on my beverage, waiting for my lips to start working again.
“Why?” I sputtered, unable to hide my frustration. “Is it because of the video? Did you watch the video? Do you think I'm dirty now? Is that it?”
“No. I don't find you dirty.”
“You watched the video though, didn't you?” I looked at him with accusing eyes, my fists shaking against the top of the table.
“Perhaps this wasn't the best place to do this.” He glanced into the restaurant to see if anyone was watching us.
“You're damn right this wasn't the best place to do this. Is there something wrong with you?” I growled.
“Obviously.” He turned his attention back to the table, still refusing to meet my gaze.
“You watched the video, didn't you?”
“I did watch the video.”
“And that's why you want to break up,” I huffed, unable to stand looking at him anymore. Even though I had been the victim, he was making me suffer more. Maybe he wasn't the man I thought he was after all. That disappointed me, but more than that, I was angry. How could he possibly do this to me only two weeks after I'd suffered such a traumatic incident, one that was partially his fault.
I stewed internally, realizing that in my rage, I was finally blaming him. It was his fault. Everything was his fault. I hated him. But more than that, I hated that he could discard me so easily just for protecting myself.
Everything inside me melted then, and I fell into a fit of sobs, not caring who was watching or how big of a scene I was making. My life felt like it had ended in that one sentence. I want to break up. When the realization of those words hit me, I wanted to die. My heart was shattered and bleeding. I was completely destroyed.
“Calm down,” Dominick said. “We'll get you packed up after this, and I'll take you to Tammy's.”
“I don't want to go,” I whimpered like a child, feeling small and selfish. “I love you, Dominick. If I had known this was going to happen . . . I wish Jeff would have just killed me.”
I was sobbing and shaking so badly that I barely even felt Dominick slide into the booth beside me. He wrapped his arms around me, but his touch was absolutely repulsive. It wasn't like before, being afraid to be touched because I had been violated. This was different. The unpleasantness rolled through me because I knew he was holding me out of pity, not out of love. He shouldn't even be touching me at all. Not when he caused this.
I wanted to struggle away from him, but through my tears, I was ever aware of everyone staring at us. Some of them tried not to, eating their food while casting nervous glances in our direction. He was a bastard for doing this to me in public.
“Why?” I cried, trying to keep me voice low. “Why don't you want me anymore? All I've ever done is loved you.”
“Oh, Kim,” his voice changed, and I could feel him nuzzling his face against my hair, which only made me hate him more. “It's not that I don't want you. I just . . . I failed you. I failed you, and I can't live with that. Tammy was right. What happened to you was my fault. I knew Jeff was bad, but I let him into our lives anyway. I thought I could help him, that I could fix him. I was wrong, and you paid for my mistake.
“It's not safe for you to be with me anymore, and it's not right. The relationship is hard o
n you. I know you try to act like it's not, but I can see that it is. You don't want to tell Tammy about us, and I do understand. She won't accept us. We both know that's why you haven't told her. But she'll find out eventually. And when she does . . . I don't want you to have to choose between us. She hates me now, rightfully, for what happened to you. I can see it in her eyes. That only makes things worse.” He paused for moment. “We both want the same things for you, for you to be happy and enjoy life. Being with me, you're denied so many experiences that you could be having with someone your own age. I'm not good for you. You might not see that now, but you eventually will, and then you'll leave on your own. I'm just saving you the trouble.”
I coughed, catching my breath and taking a second to process what he said. “So, you're breaking up with me because you're worried that I'll eventually break up with you?” I quirked an eyebrow.
“I'm breaking up with you because it's the right thing to do.”
“Are you a fucking moron?” my voice rose an octave, drawing everyone's attention to us again.
“I've made a lot of mistakes with you, Kim, mistakes I can't come back from.”
“Why? Why can't you come back from them? I'm letting you come back. Good God, you're so fucking selfish sometimes.” I held my face in my hands, feeling my cheeks burning from a mix of anger and heartache. “Haven't you even once stopped to think about what I want?”
“I'm not thinking about what you want. I'm thinking about what you need.”
“I need you. I need you, Dominick. You're all I've ever wanted, all I've ever needed. If you can't see how much I need you after all this time . . . then I don't know what to do to show you.”
“Kim . . . I just don't think it's good for us to be together anymore.”
“Then maybe you shouldn't think, because when you think, you get stupid.” I stared forward, trying to put together the right combination of words to get my point across. “I don't care about what happened with Jeff. I mean, I do care, but not in the sense that you're thinking. Yes, it's easy to point the finger. You probably shouldn't have offered to let him stay with us, but if you hadn't . . . you wouldn't be the man I know and love. You're selfless, Dominick. That's part of why I love you so damned much. You never think about how much things or people will inconvenience you. If you think that you can help someone, you'll go out of your way to try, even if your health and happiness suffers in the process. You've always been that way. When my parents died, you stepped in and sacrificed your time to make sure that Tammy and I could have a family. When I needed somewhere to stay for college, you opened your home to me, even though it messed up your work schedule. And now, this. Maybe it all didn't turn out okay, but everything you've done has been with the best intentions.
“I don't expect you to be psychic. Getting angry at you for not foreseeing this would just be stupid. You were only doing what you always do, trying to help someone who was having a difficult time. This is part of why I love you. It's part of why I'll always love you, for the rest of my life, forever. Even if you leave me, I'll never stop loving you. I'll never stop being in love with you. Letting me go because you think I'll be happier without you . . . it will have the opposite effect of what you think. I don't want to guilt you into staying with me or be too dramatic, but I honestly don't know how I'll live without you, Dominick. I honestly don't. You are so engraved on my heart that I don't think I'd ever heal from this.
“I'm sure you're insecure about the video. That's part of the reason I didn't want you to watch it. But all the things I said about you, I had to say to make him believe I actually wanted him. I didn't want to be brutally raped, and God knows what else. That was the only plan I had, so I used what I had to work with. I don't think you're too old for me. I never have. Even when we're both elderly, I want to be there to take care of you, not because I feel obligated to repay you for everything you've done for Tammy and I, but because I love you, and that's what people who love each other would be willing to do. Taking care of you will never be a burden for me.
“I don't think you realize how much I'd actually give up to be with you. You've never made me sacrifice anything. All you've ever done is give, give, give. Everything I do for you is out of love. I know I can't offer you the same things you offer me, but I've always hoped that the little things I've done for you would make you want to stay with me, and feared they weren't enough to keep you happy. Maybe I was right.”
The tears had stopped, though I wasn't sure why. All I could feel was pain. Talking about my feelings, opening up and being so raw about them, was horribly uncomfortable. But I felt like this was my last chance to get them out. Whatever Dominick decided, I probably couldn't change it, but at least I could let him know how I truly felt before it ended, before. . .
“Let's go home,” Dominick whispered softly against me.
“Home,” I repeated the word, but it now sounded foreign. What was my home? Was it Dominick's condo or Tammy's mansion? I didn't even know if such a place existed anymore.
When the waitress brought our food, Dominick told her to box it up, then he paid the bill, and we left the restaurant. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest with every step towards the car, as if it was trying to help me commit suicide.
Dominick walked behind me with his hand on the small of my back, guiding me. A strange electricity was coming from his fingertips and spreading throughout my body. I wanted to be touched. Despite my anger, despite everything that had happened, my body needed it more than ever. When his hand left me to open my car door, a sick numbness took the place of the electric sensation. My body was deadening—deadening to emotion, to everything.
I slid into the passenger's seat with a sigh, keeping my head down in defeat as I felt the car shift when Dominick entered it. Then we drove back to the condo in silence, though I was too miserable to feel awkward about it. There was nothing else I could do. Our relationship was over. When we got to the condo, I would pack my things, go to Tammy's house, and probably never see Dominick again.
“Here we are,” he said weakly as we pulled up into the detached garage of the condo, and he killed the engine.
I got out of the car and took long strides towards the condo, wrapping my arms around myself as if I was cold. Dominick followed shortly after, avoiding my gaze as he pushed the key into the lock and stepped aside for me to brush past him and make a beeline to my room. It was hard to keep the sobs down as I went into the closet to pull out my suitcase and throw it on the bed. When I turned around to open my chest of drawers, Dominick was leaning on the door frame, staring at me. I quickly wiped my face, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry.
“What?” I asked, my voice full of venom.
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I'm doing? I'm packing.” I wiped my face again, trying to stop the torrent of tears that seemed insistent on leaving my body.
“I thought you didn't want to leave.”
“And I thought you did want me to leave.” Now I was confused. What in the hell was up with all of his cryptic speech?
He opened his mouth to speak and then stopped, turning his glance to the floor for a moment before looking back up at me. “I don't . . .”
“You don't what?” annoyance shown through my tone, and I decided that it was best to continue packing lest my emotions get the best of me.
I opened my drawer and pulled out all of my socks, then I shoved them in my suitcase. When I turned back around, I was met by a wall of hard muscle and business suit. Dominick wrapped his powerful arms around me, drawing me to him. In frustration, I tried to struggle out of his grasp, telling him to let me go. He didn't though, and eventually I gave up, sighing and resting my head against his chest.
“I hate you,” I whispered.
“No, you don't.”
“You're confusing me.”
“We should take a shower. You look like a mess.”
“What's the point of taking a show
er when I'm about to leave?”
“You're not leaving.”
“What if I want to? You've been horrible to me today.”
“You're not leaving,” his voice was unusually calm, soothing even, and I knew I wasn't leaving.
“Shower, fine,” I said, trying to sound annoyed still when on the inside all I felt was relief rushing through me . . . and hope. Would we really be alright? Was everything really alright?
I thought he would give me time to gather some clean clothes, but instead, he simply grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bathroom. The way he looked down on me when he undressed me was different that I'd ever seen before. There was sorrow behind his eyes, regret, love. He was hurting. I could almost feel it. Why was he doing this, then?
I was too afraid to ask questions—too afraid I'd say something wrong and be back to packing my suitcase. Instead, I just went along with it, allowing him to undress me, his hands moving over my body with a strange delicateness. When he was done undressing me, I did the same to him, then I stepped up to him, pressing my palms and face against his warm body, listening to his steady heartbeat. He wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling the top of my head, inhaling my scent. The embrace was more sensual than anything I had felt in a long time. It was like our emotions were flowing into each other, all the pain and fear we'd both held onto for these past weeks. Could we really heal each other, I wondered?
After several moments of just standing there, Dominick released me to turn the shower head on. When the temperature was right, he stepped inside before me, and then beckoned me to follow. I silently joined him, facing him and staring up into his gray eyes. My hand reached to caress his face, and he leaned into it. For as much as I wanted to hold the moment forever, my mind was pulling me in all different directions. I was unsure if this was Dominick trying to fix things, or if he was just giving me lingering tastes of what was quickly falling apart.