“Take a deep breath, son, and let me show you the way through this.” Lord Jesus Christ, please give me the strength to guide this young man and set him on the path of righteousness to Your door. I could hear him breathing on the other side of the screen as his sobs lessened. When it was apparent he was more in control, I continued.
“I need to share information with you, but first you must understand something. Did Father O’Brien touch you inappropriately?”
“Yes, Father.”
“That was wrong of him. You must know that first off. When you pushed him away from you, that wasn’t wrong. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Father.”
“Good. Second, the police investigated Father O’Brien’s death. They wanted to rule out anything that might be suspicious. They found that he died of a heart attack. When he fell, he did hit his head, but he was already dead. Do you understand what I’m telling you? You weren’t in any way responsible for his death.” I was as emphatic as I could possibly be here. It was imperative this child believe me. The thought did cross my mind that what the young man said to the molester may have precipitated his heart attack, but I didn’t share that with him. Could the fright of being discovered scare the priest into cardiac arrest? Who knew? Only God, and Father O’Brien had to face Him for all his atrocities on the day he died.
“I—I wasn’t?”
“Not at all. You did not kill him.”
I heard a long, slow sigh come from him.
“Being in the confessional grants you anonymity, but as your priest, I would like to ask a favor of you. Would you talk to someone about what happened to you with Father O’Brien? And I’m not talking about you pushing him. I’m talking about the other thing.”
When he said nothing, I added, “I know it’s difficult and that you may feel ashamed. But you shouldn’t. Even if you don’t tell your parents, would you at least come and talk to me about it later, and I could set you up with someone else, someone who could help you?”
“Help me?” he asked in a small voice. “He’s dead now, so I don’t have to worry about him anymore.”
“That’s true, but it would help you deal with the other stuff. Like the nightmares you don’t tell anyone about.”
“How…?”
“I just…know. So will you think about it at least?” I would pray that he did so it wouldn’t ruin him for relationships later in life.
“Okay. And thanks for telling me. About his heart attack and all.”
“You’re welcome. And now I’m going to bless you and pray for you.” I said my usual prayers but added extras because he needed it. I saw myself in him—the way I was back then—and guilt and remorse suffocated me.
It was almost five forty-five when I got back to the rectory. I was saying Mass this evening because Bill was at his parents’. What I really wanted to do was to take a long stiff drink to erase what had just occurred. If it kept happening—boys and men confessing their interactions with Father O’Brien—I wasn’t sure what I’d do. A man could only take so much. And right now, I needed penance to help me deal with this. Forty-five minutes later, it was time to return to the church. The sacristy loomed before me and now my uneasiness overwhelmed me; all the strides I had made in the past months seemed to have fled. As I entered the room I hated so much, my body shook and I almost threw up on the threshold as the scent assaulted me. I fought it with every cell in my body, and when it was time to leave to say Mass, I was drenched in sweat.
I stood with my back to the wall. The air in my lungs had become solid, making it impossible to inhale or exhale.
“Father, are you okay? You don’t look so good.” It was Shelby.
Her jovial presence thawed the brick of ice in my chest. “I’m fine. Just a bit hot. Are you ready?”
She nodded, and I questioned whether I’d make it through Mass. My reasoning told me I’d been through much worse, so I figured this would be easy. I wasn’t sure how to feel when it was clear Haven had made good on her words. She wasn’t there. So I focused and lost myself in prayer. It was like riding a wave until it hit the shore. Celebrating Mass and the Liturgy had that effect on me. Afterward, though, thoughts of that young man and how he’d been suffering rushed into me again. I finished greeting the parishioners and luckily it had started pouring rain so nobody lingered.
Upon returning to the rectory, I walked straight to the cabinet where Bill kept the liquor and poured myself a Scotch. No ice. Straight up. It wasn’t my usual style, but I needed the burn of the numbing agent to ease the burn in my heart.
How many? The question kept tumbling in my head like a roll of the dice. If only I had a time machine. But I didn’t. Three drinks later and I felt no better. Why do they say alcohol numbs the pain? It wasn’t working on me. How much of the stuff would I have to drink before it did anything? My decision was made. I would drink until nothing mattered tonight. For one single night, I wanted to feel the absence of everything.
Standing, I poured myself one more when my phone rang. Reaching in my pocket, my heart came to a halt when I saw who was calling me. It was only yesterday when she said goodbye.
Saturday night I decided to pay a visit to Aunt Kathy. It had been a couple of weeks and it was nagging at me that I’d been a negligent niece. Now that my evening was free, I could do the right thing for once.
“You’re going without calling first?” Macie, my fierce protector, asked me.
“It’s fine. I’m sure he won’t be there. He doesn’t just hang around the house anyway, especially on a Saturday night.”
“How would you know? You haven’t lived there for years.”
She had somewhat of a point. But she didn’t know him like I did. When you lived with a man who beat you the way he had beaten me, you memorized his every move. “You’re right, I haven’t, but when I did, he never stayed home on Saturday nights and he certainly never took my aunt out. A man like Kent wouldn’t start staying home now. If I were to bet, I’d say he’d be spending more time away these days.”
“I don’t know, Haven. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go alone. I would go with you, but I’m afraid my mouth would land us both in more trouble.”
“You can’t go. You have a date with your hottie tonight. Don’t worry. I’m fine.” I didn’t give her any more chances to object because I ran out the door. I heard her telling me to be careful as I went.
When I got to Aunt Kathy’s, I wasn’t going to lie to myself—it was a relief not to see my uncle’s car parked out front. I rang the doorbell and there was no answer, so after what I thought was a reasonable amount of time, I rang it again. Maybe Kent had taken her out after all. But out of the corner of my eye, I saw the curtain move, so she was home. I fully expected the door to open, but when it didn’t, I began to get scared.
“Aunt Kathy, can you hear me? Are you okay in there?” I pounded on the door. When she didn’t answer, I was about to go to get the key hidden out back, but I heard the lock turn, and the door opened a crack.
“Haven, go away.”
“Aunt Kathy, what’s wrong?”
Her voice sounded off. Not exactly weak, but not herself either.
“Just go home. You can come back another time.”
“Are you sick?”
“No, I’m fine.” She definitely did not sound fine.
“Please, let me in. I’m worried about you.”
“No, just leave, please.”
“I don’t understand.” I peeked in the crack and it was so dark inside. She had all the curtains drawn and it looked like she didn’t have any lights on. “Aunt Kathy, if you’re not feeling well, I can at least call the doctor for you.” I think I still had Wilson’s card. It might be a little awkward, but I didn’t care. This was my aunt that was ill.
“I’m not sick.” Her voice was low, but when I thought it through, she didn’t sound ill. She wasn’t short of breath and wheezing like she did when she was in bad shape.
“Then what is it?” And
suddenly I knew. I just knew. “Aunt Kathy, open this door. Now. Or I’m pushing it down. I mean it.”
She opened it wide enough for me to enter. It was so dark that I couldn’t see her, so I hit the light switch on the wall and the room brightened. When I got my first glimpse of her, I saw red. Fury built in me to the point I almost screamed.
“When? When did he do this?”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m fine.”
“Bullshit. This matters and you are clearly not fine. You can barely speak. Your face is so swollen, I…” My hands went up in the air. I’d had it with him. He was a monster and could not keep getting away with hitting women. I pulled my phone out and started snapping pictures.
“What are you doing?”
“Building an evidence file to use against him. He is such an asshole.”
Aunt Kathy could barely walk to the sofa. He must’ve done a number on her. I gave her time to sit and collect herself.
“Will you tell me?”
“He came home from being out with the guys. He doesn’t like the fact that I’m sick. And it escalated from there.”
What a piece of shit. He takes his anger out on a sick woman? I paced the room as she sat. My anger was front and center, obliterating any words of comfort that I should’ve been offering her. Mumbling several choice curse words and every nasty thing I could call him, I decided it was time to call a spade a spade. This bullying of his had gone on long enough.
I dropped to my knees in front of Kathy. “I care about you too much to see you hurt like this. I have a question for you. Have you been to the doctor since this happened?”
She shook her head. I didn’t think she’d go. “I’m taking you Monday. You’re not as strong as you once were, even though you’re feeling much better. I know you’re going to balk at this, but you need to get checked out. I’ll see that you do.”
When I stood up, she asked, “Where are you going?”
“To find him. Where did he go?”
“Out with the guys, I’m sure.”
“Does he still go to the same hangouts he used to?”
“Haven, I don’t know because I don’t care. But don’t you go chasing after him. It’ll only anger him more.”
“He’s always angry at something, but he shouldn’t be taking it out on you.” I kissed her cheek and left.
His favorite hangout, or at least what I hoped was still his number one place to go, was only a few blocks away, so I hoofed it over there. With each step, I got more pissed off at him. What a prick he was to beat my aunt in her condition. Who did shit like that?
When I opened the doors, the place was almost empty and dim. The room was long and narrow, and in the back were a pool table and several dart boards. A group of guys were shooting pool. I imagined they were friends of Kent, so I steered clear. Instead, I sat down at the front near the door so I could make a hasty exit after I spoke my piece. My angry piece, that was.
Needing some liquid courage to face the devil, I ordered up a shot of Absolut. When the bartender delivered my goods, I tossed it back and let the liquor warm my guts. Thrumming my fingers on the wooden bar, edginess seeped into each of my nerve endings, making me jittery. As soon as the bartender turned my way, I held up a finger and ordered another shot. The bravado I’d felt in front of Aunt Kathy was leaking away, and I needed to plug the hole before I lost my nerve completely. The man handed me my second shot and it landed where the first one had gone. Patience wasn’t in the cards, so I found myself ordering a third. If this shit didn’t kick in soon, my ass would be scooting out the door before I did anything with the bully Uncle Kreep. After my third shot, I began to calm down, but when my nerves fled, so did my courage. I second-guessed my motives and realized that if I confronted Kent, he may very well take it out on Kathy. The last thing Kathy needed was another beating.
My decision made, I needed to hightail out of Kentland. I was settling up my tab when the door opened and in walked the demon himself.
“What the hell are you doing here? You trying to pick up some of my guys, whoring around my bar?” His sneer derailed me as I was just finishing up closing out my bill.
“What? No!”
“Yeah, right. You’re just like your mom. Always acting like she was a goody two shoes when she was putting out all over the place. Like mother, like daughter. Two slutty peas in a pod.”
The anger that had fled instantly returned. “How dare you talk about me? Why don’t you tell everyone here what you did to your wife?”
His eyes darkened and his sneer only grew.
“What are you going to do? Spout drunken lies?”
Meaty fingers clamped around my arm and he dragged me further into the bar. And worse, no one stopped him. I managed to dig in my heels before he took me down the secluded hallway ahead.
“Is this how you treat women?”
“Not women, only drunken little lying sluts like you.”
A voice rang out behind him. “What’s going on here?”
I sighed, finding faith that maybe he wouldn’t get away with his treatment of me.
“Kent, does she need a little time in the drunk tank?”
My eyes opened as wide as my jaw dropped. His grin only widened.
I pulled free from his grasp, slapping his hands away as he tried to get a hold of me again.
“That appears to be assaulting a police officer to me,” another man behind him said.
They were going to arrest me. I took off for the hall and found a bathroom. I turned the lock on the door as Uncle Kent laughed on the other side.
“You have to come out sometime.”
More laughter rang out. I slid my back down to the dirty floor, knowing if he wanted in, he would kick in the door. He’d proved that to me before. With shaky hands, I made the call and begged Canaan to come get me.
The alcohol rang through my veins like liquid flame. My heart pounded in my chest when I pushed through the doors of the bar, a man on fire.
Faces, too many, stared at me as I glared back until I found the one I sought. Dressed in his uniform, I was glad I still wore my collar. We would see which was mightier.
I barreled forward and stood toe to toe with the monster who dared to smile.
“Father Canaan, I wonder what brings you here,” he smirked.
My hands curled in fists, and for a second, the desire to show him what it was like to be struck consumed me. But a quick inner prayer for strength of character held me back.
“Where is she?”
He laughed. “A priest. I should have guessed.”
I shouldn’t have played into his hands.
“Guessed what?” I snapped.
“Guessed like her mother she whores her way into making a man want her, even supposedly the best of men.” He downed the contents of his glass.
“I can’t begin to untwist your mind. Just tell me where she is.”
He tipped his head back and laughed. “Or what?”
His words slithered off his tongue like the beast of hell and they’d found their match. “Or I shall bring you down with God’s wrath,” I hissed, not caring who heard, but not yelling the words either.
He leaned in and whispered, “God’s wrath?” He chuckled. “Bring it on. You’re in a cop bar and I’m a cop. You may be a man of the cloth, Father,” he scoffed and gestured to the room. “But I am their brother in arms.”
With all eyes on us in our quiet standoff, his hand moved to the weapon on his hip.
Words left my lips like a prayer or maybe a promise. “You don’t scare me, Kent. You may like scaring your wife and your niece with your bullying tactics, but I have God on my side. And no weapon formed against me shall prosper.”
In the silence around me, I heard a door open. I glanced up to see Heaven. I blinked, because it was Haven. I moved around Kent as she plowed into my chest. Her body shook with sobs.
“Come on, let’s go.”
I tucked her against my side where she fit snug to me. We marc
hed for the door and I dared any man to cross my path in that moment. There was no way God would condemn me if I had to defend myself or the woman on my arm. We’d almost made it out the door, but he had to have the last word.
“This isn’t over, Haven. Not by a long shot.”
She tried to tug out of my arm, but I kept her close and headed outside.
Haven
The fresh air was a welcome reprieve, but I still wanted to yell and scream at the men and women who’d stayed quiet while my uncle terrorized me. They had to see it wasn’t right. Yet, they’d done nothing to help.
We’d made it a block away when Canaan stopped and faced me.
“Why would you go there?”
I’d never seen him angry, so I stopped, stunned by the rage displayed on his body. Eyes that had turned the color of a stormy sea were even more pronounced by muscles that stood so rigid I feared they would rupture. The set of his mouth alone was enough to frighten me, and the only thing comforting me was I knew I was safe because it was Canaan. I rubbed my arms feeling small and stupid for what I’d done.
He closed his eyes and turned toward the store we were in front of. His fist hit the stone with so much force, I grabbed his hand knowing what I’d find.
“Your knuckles—they’re bleeding.”
Green eyes churned with deep emotion. My mouth hung open, faced with it. I pulled my shirt free to use the end of it to dab at his wounded hand.
“We should get you home. I’m in no condition to drive you. Can you call a cab?” he asked.
I nodded, fumbling in my purse for my phone when the skies opened up. Rain poured down in sheets without a second’s warning. A warm hand found mine and then we were racing through the streets. We ended up down the path behind the church that led to the rectory.
Soon we were inside and the sudden chill in the air caused shivers to overtake me.
“Let’s get you dry.”
I followed him into a familiar room and stopped short. I didn’t remember being brought into Canaan’s room before. I’d only woken up in it. It was such a simple place with a small bed and chest of drawers. As I tried to recall distant memories, a towel was draped over my shoulders. Canaan moved to the chest as I clasped it around me and stood as if I were naked. And I did feel naked, especially when Canaan, with his back to me, pulled off his shirt.
A Beautiful Sin Page 19