My aching knees told me it was time for me to leave. My obligations at Holy Cross hadn’t vanished, so, deep in thought, I found my way back to the L. The early November chill reminded me that the holidays would soon be here bringing many other church commitments. There was one person who could advise me, but it wasn’t very likely I could get away this time of year. I had to check with Bill first. A visit to Notre Dame and a talk with Father Tony might be something that could set me to rights.
“Tell me you’ve decided to move here.” Macie had that look. The one that told me if I didn’t give her the answer she wanted, she would bug me to death until I did.
Lugging a box filled with art supplies into the apartment, I said, “I haven’t made my decision yet. You know I need to go back to New York and figure out things with my lease first.”
“What about Kathy?”
The box in my arms almost dropped to the floor. “What about her? Did something happen?” My heart skipped two dozen beats just from that single question.
“Calm down. I was only saying that because we’d started the search for her apartment earlier.”
I set the box in my room and flopped down on the couch. “Oh, Macie, I wish she’d give me the go-ahead. But she won’t commit. Even after I told her about what that shithead did at the bar.”
“Yikes, and that was a couple of weeks ago.”
“Yeah.” And it was the last time I saw or spoke with Canaan. But I thought about him every single minute of the day. Was he okay? Had he forgiven himself for what happened, because no doubt he would’ve shouldered the blame? “I’m going to give her a call again and remind her I’m leaving soon and won’t be here to help her. Maybe that will spur her into action. She’s been hinting about me taking her to church, and I’ve been quickly changing the subject every time it comes up.”
Macie looked at me with pity, which I hated, and I called her on it. “Listen, I can handle just about anything, but don’t ever pity me.”
“I wasn’t—”
I cut her off before she could finish. “Yes, you were. I know you, so don’t try to wheedle out of it.”
“Okay, but I feel bad for you. I know how hard these last two weeks have been on you.”
She got that part right. Some days going into the gallery had only been a blur, I was so out of it. “Fine, I get that, but just tell me. Don’t look at me like I’m a puppy getting ready to get hit by a car.”
“Okay, okay. I heard you. So, about church, are you still going to go? What are you going to do?”
“I pretty much have to go. What explanation can I give for not going? Especially since I’ll be leaving soon?”
In Macie’s fashion, she said, “Don’t worry. When it happens, I’ll be there with you for support.”
“Thanks. I can always count on you.”
“Which is exactly why you need to move back here.”
She was probably right. However, if I did, that would bring me permanently closer to Canaan, and that was the last thing I could handle, him being so close. What I did need was to get as far away from him as possible. Maybe then I could piece back the crumbled bits of my heart. And the worst thing about it was I couldn’t turn my hate on him. I only had myself to hold accountable for getting into this mess. He hadn’t done a single thing wrong. The whole thing was my fault. I’d made the catastrophic error of falling in love with a Roman Catholic priest.
Unfortunately, as I predicted, when I called my aunt, she requested I take her to church the following Sunday. Macie said she’d accompany us as promised. Since I would be leaving Chicago in another week, there was no way to refuse her.
Early Sunday morning, Macie and I took the L and went to Aunt Kathy’s. When we arrived, I was expecting to see my uncle. Macie stood in front of me on the porch in case Kent was there, only he wasn’t. My aunt came out and the Uber we took from the train station instead of the bus waited on us. Walking to church wasn’t an option for Aunt Kathy yet.
“Aunt Kathy, you look much better than the last time I saw you.”
She offered me a timid smile. “I feel better. He left in a huff this morning when I told him you were taking me to church. I’m not sure where he went.”
“Would you please consider moving before I go back to New York?” I begged.
She only nodded and by that time we’d gotten to Holy Cross. We went inside and found our seats. One part of me hoped for a glimpse of Canaan, and the other prayed he wasn’t here today.
I breathed a bit easier when I saw Father Cernak walk down the aisle in the processional as Mass got under way. Macie poked me in the ribs, knowing exactly what I felt. I’d made it through the service and when it was time for communion, I asked my aunt if she needed my help in walking up to the altar to receive hers. I wouldn’t be taking it myself. After everything, I felt unworthy.
“Aren’t you going?” Aunt Kathy asked.
“Not today, but I can help you walk if you want.”
“That would be nice.” I stood and held her hand and arm as we made for the altar. I wasn’t sure how I didn’t notice earlier, but there he stood, in the front of the church, handing out communion.
Merciful Jesus, get me through this, please. He looked like a gift from Heaven, with his dark hair and deep green eyes. Dressed in his vestments, though not the ones he would wear to say Mass, he was still regal looking. As I neared him, I didn’t dare look at him for my shame at what I’d done to this chaste man made me feel the true sinner that I was. My body trembled with horror over the disgrace and dishonor I had brought upon his soul and I didn’t know what to do to make it right. Or even if such a thing were possible.
Aunt Kathy had received her communion and I was in the process of turning when I heard my name.
“Haven?”
I sucked in my lower lip to keep it from quivering as I raised my eyes to meet his. He offered me the communion host, but I only shook my head and turned back, leading my aunt toward our seats. My chest rose and fell with the air I silently sucked in as I swallowed the sobs that were lodged in my throat.
“Haven, can you slow down a bit?” my aunt whispered.
“Sorry.” The word was as broken as I was.
When we got back to our pew, Macie’s raised brows had me shaking my head in response. I knelt down and rested my head on my arms. I needed to pull my act together and fast.
When I finally heard, “Go in peace,” I perked up and looked at Macie.
Whispering to her, I said, “I hope he’s not outside greeting people.” She nodded.
“You looked like a ghost coming back after communion.”
“I felt like one. A very damaged one anyway.”
Then I took Aunt Kathy’s hand and asked if she was ready to go. We walked outside, where it was unusually warm for a November day, and Father Cernak greeted us. He was talking to my aunt while Macie and I stood in the background and out of the corner of my eye I saw Canaan. He’d just stepped out of the church. What happened next was like dominoes falling in slow motion.
He walked up to us and greeted my aunt first.
“Kathy, how are you feeling?”
He cupped his hands around hers and gave her all the attention I longed to have.
“I’m doing all right.”
He nodded. “Nice to see you, Macie, right?”
My bestie bobbled her head while her eyes nearly bulged out of her face.
“Should we expect to see you around more Sundays?”
Her blush was in full bloom.
“Forgive me, Father, I know I’ve sinned. I should be a better Catholic.”
I almost laughed at her confession until he turned those green eyes on me. To say I was tongue-tied didn’t come close. I wanted to do so many things, none of which were within reason.
“Haven.” The way he said it felt like a prayer, one for forgiveness I imagined for the sinner I was. Instead, I stood there awkwardly, realizing how out of place I was. It was a mistake to have come here, though I didn
’t have much choice. My aunt needed me, so I couldn’t very well refuse her, nor could I tell her why.
When Father Cernak spoke my name, I had to plead my guilt of not paying attention and that made me appear to be an even bigger fool. I turned away, wondering if everyone noticed how I hadn’t answered Canaan, only stared. So, quickly, I moved over to Father Cernak and said our goodbyes. Stupidly, I chanced a glance at Canaan and my stomach gathered in ropes as I noticed the way his brows knitted right before he squeezed his eyes shut. That was my cue to get the hell out of here.
There was only one thing that could distract me, so I dove head first into the topic and prayed my aunt would take the bait.
“Aunt Kathy, you know I’m leaving next week. I can’t bear the thought of not being here and you still living with him. Please, I’ll get on my knees and beg to get you to move away from him.”
Macie jumped on board with, “I’ll help. You know the company I’m with can find you a nice studio apartment. I can look right away.”
“We can have you out of the house in no time flat, nice and secure in your own place. Please think about it,” I added.
Then Macie said, “I have an idea. Why don’t we go to breakfast?”
“Great idea. Aunt Kathy?”
“Sure, that would be nice.”
So the three of us went off to a local diner and ate while Macie and I did our best to persuade her to our side. By the time we were finished, she promised she would let us know that night.
“Really?” I asked.
Nodding, she said, “As long as I can move into something safe and affordable. I don’t have much of my own money. Kent keeps a tight rein on the bank account.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll help you out until you get on your feet.”
The art gig had paid enough I could assist her, not indefinitely, but we’d worry about that later. I wanted to fist bump Macie, but waited until after we dropped Aunt Kathy off. As soon as we did, Macie started blabbing about all the studios she had been checking out already.
“You have?”
“Yeah, I figured she’d end up doing this before you left.”
I hugged her for being such a great friend. “I guess we’ll have to rent a truck for the move.”
Macie’s head rocked back and forth. “I don’t think so. We’ll borrow Mom’s SUV. The places I found are furnished. All she’ll need to get is a bed. So we’ll only be moving kitchen and her personal items.”
“You are a genius.”
She blew on her fingernails and rubbed them on her chest. “Yep, I know.”
I punched her shoulder.
Then a serious look descended over her. “So, Canaan.”
“Don’t even go there. My heart was blown into bits and pieces. You didn’t see them scattered all over the parking lot?”
“I could almost feel your tension. Honestly. I knew him being there was killing you.”
“I’m the biggest douche ever. Now I know how women feel who have been trampled on by men.”
“Haven, you are being way too hard on yourself.”
I picked on a loose thread that was dangling from my coat. “Can we not talk about this? I have to figure out how to deal with this one way or another. I’m leaving so hopefully, out of sight, out of mind.”
“Uh, right. If you believe that, then I have a lake for sale. It’s a really big one. The city of Chicago is situated on it.”
“Shut up.” I punched her shoulder again.
“Ow!” She rubbed the sore spot.
“You only have yourself to blame.”
Her eyebrows shot up in cartoon-like fashion and I couldn’t help but laugh. “Okay, it is my fault, but I’m owning it, and I’m not buying Lake Michigan.”
“Let’s look at the bright side. The solid news is that your aunt is going to move. And that really is something to be happy about.”
“There is truth in that. At least I don’t have to lie awake at night worrying about that asshole beating her to death.”
Once we got home, Macie logged into her company’s website and did a complete search for rental properties and came up with a decent selection of places. We narrowed it down to one great option that was close to my aunt’s neighborhood.
“Do you want to check it out?” Macie asked.
“Today?”
“Yeah. I could make some calls and we could get in this afternoon.”
After agreeing, Macie worked warp speed miracles and in a couple of hours we were back on the train, heading to inspect what would hopefully be my aunt’s new home.
When we walked inside, I knew my aunt would love it. “This is perfect,” I breathed. “Look at the view.” It overlooked a green park. Though it was almost winter now, I could imagine how pretty it would be in the springtime.
“Oh, Haven, this is awesome. And it’s like brand new. She’s only a few blocks from church. If she continues to improve she could even walk. And if she doesn’t, there’s off-street parking, so maybe you could get her a car. I love it has an interior entrance so it’s extra safe, and lots of room. It’s almost a one-bedroom.”
“I know. We need to grab this.”
“But don’t you think we should talk to her first?”
I chewed on my nail for a second. If I called and the devil was home, I’d have to hang up. My aunt would never talk if he was there. But I couldn’t waste any time.
Her line was ringing before I had any other thoughts.
“Hello.”
“Aunt Kathy, can you talk?”
“Yes, what’s wrong?”
“Are you alone?”
“Yes.”
“Macie found you the perfect apartment and we’re looking at it right now. We need to grab it right away because it won’t last.”
“Uh…I don’t…oh, Haven. I’m scared.”
“I know, but it’s going to work out. And once you’re here, you’ll see.”
“But what if I can’t afford it?”
“You can. I’ll help,” I reassured her. “I don’t want you to worry about that. Just say yes and we’ll do the rest.”
“Come on, Kathy,” Macie called out.
Kathy chuckled into the phone. I could hardly believe it. “Did I just hear you laugh?”
“I think you did,” she said.
“Is that a yes, then?” I crossed my fingers and held them up in the air for Macie to see.
“Okay. Let’s do this.”
Macie and I jumped up and down. “I swear you won’t regret this, Aunt Kathy.”
Three days later, after Kent left for work, Macie and I waited for about an hour and then we pulled up in her mom’s SUV. It didn’t take us long at all to throw her clothes into several suitcases and plastic bins that I had previously purchased. We also grabbed some kitchen items, pictures, and linens. I told her after she was settled whatever she was missing we could go and buy.
Right before we walked out the door, I grabbed my aunt’s hand and said, “Take a look around because we won’t be coming back. If you forgot anything, consider it Kent’s.”
She nodded, wearing a grim expression. “I should feel a bit remorseful, but I don’t. I do feel afraid though.”
“That’s why we need to make sure you have everything.” I watched her scan the house until she seemed satisfied and then we left.
“When he comes home and finds me gone, he’s going to have a stroke.”
“One can only hope,” I muttered.
“Haven, don’t say such things.”
Shrugging, I said, “I’m sorry, but I don’t have a single kind thought for that hateful man.”
Macie shut the back hatch. “Let’s go. We don’t need to be hanging out here.” We climbed into the SUV and drove off.
Our first stop was purchasing a bed that would be delivered around noon. Afterward we went straight to the apartment. When Aunt Kathy walked inside and saw her new home, her eyes lit up like sparklers. I couldn’t remember ever seeing her look so happy before.
>
Macie grinned. “Kathy, why don’t you have a seat and let Haven and I bring everything inside?”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “Relax and soak it all in. We’ll have this taken care of in a few minutes.”
With the two of us going nonstop, we had her settled in no time. And soon I was saying goodbye.
“I’m leaving, but I’ll be back for Christmas, Aunt Kathy.”
She flung her arms around me, telling me how much she appreciated everything I’d done for her. It made me happy to know I was able to help her, and I told her as much.
“You can call Macie if anything comes up, but I’m sure Father Cernak would also help or get you in touch with some of the church members.”
“Haven, your mother would be so proud of you, of the kind and lovely young woman you’ve become.”
My eyes instantly stung, and I swallowed the burning in my throat that usually foreshadowed a serious episode of sobbing. I’d already done enough of that. Only Aunt Kathy’s words left a bitter taste in my mouth because she was so wrong about me. My mother wouldn’t be proud at all. She would be every bit as ashamed of me as I was.
“I’ll call to check on things,” I promised as I walked out the door. What started out as a lovely day had soured into something awful.
Macie’s voice brought me back to the present. “You’re going to have to figure out how to get over this, Have. He had a choice. He’s an adult and could easily have pushed you away.”
“Oh, Macie, you don’t understand. It’s not that simple.” There was no getting over this. Canaan was one in a million. I had done the unspeakable to him by trying to heal him, and now I was paying the price for those actions.
“You’re overthinking…”
A Beautiful Sin Page 22