“Wow, you look like hell. What happened?” she wanted to know.
Two questions and she had me in tears.
“What the hell did I say?”
Because she was my best friend and I had to tell somebody, I explained. After, she sat there in silence before she wrapped herself around me like a blanket. No judgment, no scolding, just my bestie there giving me the support I so badly needed.
“I really did it this time, didn’t I?”
“So…you’re going to have a baby, which means you definitely have to move here. It all makes perfect sense. You’ll have a strong support group. Kathy, my mom, and me. Your job too. I’ll find us a new place to live.”
“Okay, stop. I’ve thought about that. You’re right. I’m keeping this nugget. I can’t get rid of it. I think about what if my mom had done that. I wouldn’t be here, you know? And I’ve never felt that would be the answer for me anyway. So that’s out. I couldn’t give it up either. But, Macie, I need my own place.” I watched her face drop as I said the words. “Think about it. Having an infant in the house is not conducive to being single. I love it that you want to do that, but I can’t possibly let you.” I swiped my face because there was a constant dribble that leaked out of my eyes. “But I do need that support network around me. And the job. So Chicago will be my permanent home. I already told my aunt and you should’ve seen her face.”
Macie’s jaw hit the floor. “You told her about the baby?”
“No, silly, I told her about moving here. You know I wouldn’t tell anyone before I told you. Except the father.” Then I waited for her reaction.
“You told him?” she whispered. I wasn’t sure if it was from shock or because she thought I was an idiot, but I knew I was about to find out.
“Yeah, I told him.”
A V formed between her brows and she asked, “When?”
“Last night after I left your parents’, I went to Midnight Mass. Afterward, I waited in the church for him. It was a long shot, but I took a chance that he would be the one to lock up, and he was. That’s when I dropped the bomb.”
Her hand wrapped around my wrist and squeezed. “What did he say?”
“Nothing,” I whispered.
“Nothing? You told him he was going to be a father and he said nothing?”
“You don’t understand. I didn’t give him a chance. Right after I told him, I basically ran out of there right to the car that was waiting on me to take me home. It was the only way. I couldn’t even look at him when I told him.”
Macie jumped up and paced back and forth, then crouched in front of me. “Why did you tell him? It’s not like he can do anything.”
I stretched the cuffs of my sleeves and used them to wipe my cheeks. “I don’t want him to do anything. He had to know, though. It wouldn’t be right not to tell him. What if my dad never knew about me?”
It wasn’t something I thought about often. But with my little nugget growing inside me, I couldn’t help but think about it. It was one thing I planned on asking my aunt about. She might know.
Macie offered me a handful of tissues. I greedily grabbed them and blew my nose. “You should definitely ask your aunt. What else did you tell Canaan?”
“I also apologized for ruining his life, sullying his soul, tarnishing his previously chaste life. I’ve made a shambles of the priesthood for him, so he deserved an apology from me. Not that it would change anything. Shit, Macie, I feel like a true Jezebel. Honestly. I’ve earned all of this by rights.”
“It takes two, Have.”
She was right. It did. But in this instance, I clearly had the advantage over him and had used it unfairly.
“Yeah, but this was different.”
I was more than a little surprised when she didn’t argue but instead said, “So, you need me to find you an apartment?”
“Yep, a three bedroom. I need one for the baby and one for me to paint in when I can’t make it into the art studio. The ones you found before I could afford because we had planned to split the rent. Since the circumstances have changed, that won’t work.”
“And you’re positive you want to do it alone.”
What was supposed to be a laugh but sounded more like a croak came out of me. “Want? I wouldn’t exactly say that I want this. But it’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to make the best home I can for my little nuggie here.”
“Nuggie?”
Rubbing my belly, I smiled and nodded. “I keep thinking of my mom. I wonder how she did it all those years ago. I guess she was every bit as scared as I am. At least she didn’t have to worry about the father.”
Macie patted my shoulder. “How will you handle it? When your nuggie starts to ask about their daddy?”
“I’m not sure yet. I’ll have to figure something out when the time comes. Maybe I’ll just tell her the truth. That I loved him but it was an impossible situation. I would have to wait to tell her that though, until she is old enough to understand. And pray she will understand.”
“But you won’t tell her who he is, will you?”
“Never.” I wrapped my arms around my stomach and hugged myself. “Macie, you’re the only person who will ever know the truth. And swear to me right now you’ll never tell another soul. I know how close you are to your mom, but this can’t ever leave this room. It would ruin Canaan, and God knows I’ve already done enough of that.”
“I swear. I won’t breathe a word of it.”
Macie knew every single one of my secrets, but she didn’t know about Canaan’s past. That wasn’t mine to share and I would carry that to my grave. But I could trust her not to speak of him fathering my child to anyone. She had kept her lips sealed about my awful existence with Kent during my years growing up. She often begged me to tell the teachers, only I knew it would be worse for me if I did. Eventually, I persuaded her to my thinking, and she became my shelter when I needed her the most. Hers was the only house I escaped to for a reprieve from my terrible existence. I envied her for the relationship she shared with her mother and father, the closeness they had with each other. The few times I was allowed to spend the night at her house, I soaked it up like a sponge, not even wanting to sleep, because I basked in the warm and cozy environment. This was the real meaning behind family and love. What my mom tried to show me but couldn’t because her life had ended all too soon. And that was how I planned to raise my child. Even though my nugget would be fatherless, I would shower her with so much love, she would barely notice.
“You’re the best friend I could’ve ever asked for. I doubt I’d be alive today if I hadn’t met you.” And even though I told her that all the time, it was the damn truth.
“I love you too, Have. And I’m going to be the best aunt in the world. Just call me Aunt Spoil. Okay, maybe not. That sounds like I never clean out my refrigerator.”
Leave it to Macie to make me laugh.
All of a sudden she belted out, “Oh my God!”
“What?”
“Here we are acting like it’s a girl. What are we going to do if you have a boy?”
I gave her my slyest grin. “We, my dear, are going to raise the greatest guy in the history of all mankind. One who knows exactly how to treat women.”
Holding her fist in the air, she said, “I’ll bump you one on that. Hey, can I be in the delivery room with you, holding your hand?”
“I’m counting on it.”
Macie began her search for my apartment the week after Christmas. I handed her the reins and told her if she found something after I went back to New York to snatch it up. It wouldn’t be wise to sit on something. My budget was fairly strict. While I was doing super with my work, I wanted to take some time off after the baby came, which would mean no income. So I had to factor all that in. There was also Aunt Kathy’s rent, and then I would need a nanny to watch the nugget when I went back to work. Being rent poor was the last thing I wanted.
Since Jonathon was way past ready for me to be in Chicago full-time, the news ab
out my pregnancy would wait until I was at least twelve weeks or maybe even sixteen. Many pregnancies didn’t last, and I wanted to be sure mine did before I told him. My decision was to let him know upon my return, which would be around the third week in January. His part of the deal was to procure a studio outside of his gallery and my home where I could work without any distractions, away from prying eyes. He said everything would be set up by the time I returned. It had better be because I had a list of orders that was growing daily and I was starting to freak. I suggested to Jonathon that he shut it down until I caught up, but he said he would consider it after the first of the year. Fortunately, that had arrived so I would be calling him to give him a reminder.
On New Year’s Eve, I spent the night at home alone. Macie had a date, and I couldn’t party, so I watched movies and ate popcorn. With the crazy fatigue that didn’t want to leave me alone, I never made it to midnight to watch the ball drop. Oh well. It was only another night for me.
I made a promise to my aunt that had me cringing the next day. I was taking her to church for New Year’s Day. It was something she had done as long as I could remember, and she asked me if I would mind. How could I say no? Holy Cross celebrated a five o’clock Mass on the evening of New Year’s Day that she loved, so I prayed Canaan wouldn’t be there.
Much to my surprise and relief, he was nowhere in sight. I relaxed during the service and then afterward when I knew Father Cernak would speak to us. Church had been much more crowded than I remembered, and the parking lot was full of parishioners as we made our way out of the door, chatting with the priest. It was dark, cold, and what happened next caught me completely off guard.
Out of the darkness I heard his snarled words over my shoulder, directed at my aunt.
“Did you think I couldn’t find you? I know all of your habits, where you go, what you do.”
It was obvious by his slurred words that he’d been drinking. Cruel Kent had come out to play. Fearing for Aunt Kathy’s safety, I placed myself between them. “Stay away from her. I saw the bruises you left on her, and she doesn’t want or need any more abuse from you.”
His head whipped toward me. “Shut your mouth, you stupid slut. I’m not talking to you. And this was all your idea anyway, wasn’t it?”
At the time, it seemed wise of me to get his attention away from Kathy. So I said, “I won’t deny I had something to do with it. You’re unstable and need help, like anger management and possibly medication.” Well, that certainly was not the right thing to say.
“Why, you little whore. I thought I taught you better than that.” I didn’t expect him to react as badly as he did, but one minute I was standing in front of him, and the next I was on the ground, cradling my face. The fucker decked me.
The steps in front of the church and the parking lot turned into chaos. Somebody grabbed Kent and restrained him while Father Cernak crouched down to help me.
“Are you all right?” the priest asked.
Even though it hurt like hell, I grinned. “Oh, I’m much better than that.” He helped me to my feet, and I stared at Kent for a moment, gathering my thoughts. Then I finally said, “For years, years, I’ve waited for something like this to happen. Now everyone here can see you for the man you truly are. An abusive jerk. This is your final blow. You will never strike us again, because now we have witnesses. Lots of them. And this time you can’t use your cop status to save you. I hope you go to jail for assault and battery, not only for this, but for all the times you broke my ribs when I was just a kid and too afraid to say anything. You’re nothing but a poor excuse of a man.”
I glanced at my aunt and if I didn’t know better, I would’ve sworn there was a hint of a smile on her face. “Aunt Kathy, are you okay?”
“I’m fine, dear.”
The flashing lights of the police cars filled the parking lot and soon the officers put Kent in handcuffs. It was one of the best days ever.
Father Cernak came over to me after the police had finished. “Would you and Kathy like to come inside for a minute?”
I didn’t really want to, but I thought it would be terribly rude not to go. So we followed him inside the rectory. It was weird being here without Canaan. I kept looking around in the hopes he would walk in. Crazy, yes, I know. But I couldn’t help myself. That was why I needed to stay away from here.
“I told the police I would be your witness if you needed it, but I’m also telling you, if it comes to that. He could’ve really hurt you, Haven,” Father Cernak said.
“He has really hurt me in the past. I have the scars to prove it.”
“You were a student here. Why did you never say anything?”
I shrugged. “He’s a cop. It wouldn’t have gone anywhere.”
Father Cernak reached for my hand. “Yes, it would have. We would’ve called in Child Protective Services. It wouldn’t have mattered who he was. You were scarred and injured. They would’ve investigated and gotten to the bottom of it. They have all kinds of ways to figure it out.”
“It’s long passed now. And you weren’t here then anyhow.”
“I’m sorry you endured all of that. And Kathy, the same goes for you. I hope you understand you always have a safe place here, if you need help.”
“Thank you, Father,” my aunt said.
“Now, let me give the two of you a ride home.”
“Oh, we couldn’t…” I started to say, but he cut me off and insisted. Father Cernak dropped my aunt off and then drove me all the way home. I told him I was moving back and going to set up shop here for good. He was such a nice man, I could see why Canaan felt so at home here with him. When we got to my building, he patted my hand and reminded me of his offer to be a witness should I need one. Then he wished me a very happy New Year and drove off.
As I thought about the events of what happened, it was a good thing Canaan hadn’t been there. I was afraid things would’ve escalated between Kent and him. That would not have been good. The way it turned out was for the best. Kent would pay, hopefully with some jail time for assault and battery, and maybe even domestic violence. We’d also told the police to put up an order of protection on both Kathy and me. We had to go to the police station the next day to sign the papers and then I was leaving the day after.
I never thought Kent’s own actions would have this effect. I couldn’t have asked for better. When Macie came in, I explained things, and she wanted to celebrate, so we did. I drank a virgin colada and she drank one all spiked up.
The following day was a breeze. I picked up Kathy and we accomplished everything we needed to. Kent spent the night in jail and then lawyered up. The funny thing about it all was it would cost him a pretty penny to defend himself and he was the cheapest sucker around. Oh, how I laughed over his demise. But if I thought about it too long, I knew whatever he got would never be enough for all the things he had done to me over the years. But I let it all go. My life was on track. I was in a good place. Not the best, of course. But I was happy, having a baby, moving back here with a solid job, doing what I loved the most. What more could I ask for?
As much as I wanted to follow Haven, my knees gave out as I grabbed the back of the pew and lowered myself to the seat.
I’m going to be a father, and not in the biblical sense.
New Year’s Day couldn’t come soon enough. I tugged at my collar, feeling it tighten against my throat. I felt like running and leaving the city behind, but couldn’t leave Bill in a bind despite that being a charlatan in priest’s clothing.
“Canaan.”
Bill said my name so softly, yet it sounded in my head as if he’d spoken through a megaphone.
“Yes.” The one syllable word came out broken, just like me.
“Are you all right?”
If he told me that Jesus Christ himself had walked through our doors unannounced, I wouldn’t be more flummoxed than I was at that moment.
“I got some news.” Taken for a loop, I hadn’t exactly meant to reveal even that much.
>
“Good news, I hope.”
“I’m not sure,” I said. “I think I just need some time.”
Finding my feet wasn’t easy, but I managed it. Bill let me go without asking me any more questions. I made my way out the back door and into the moonlight, spotlighting me.
I was never more grateful for the darkness in my tiny room. I pulled the clerical collar free from my shirt. What a sham I was. How could I continue?
When I turned, I was confronted by Haven’s painting of me. Clearly she’d missed the version of me with a red face and horns.
Falling to my knees, I prayed, and not for me, but for Haven and our unborn child. I begged God for forgiveness and mercy while I fought the strong urge to seek her out. How could I go to her when I didn’t have answers?
Somehow I managed on autopilot with robotic movements to make it through the week. I barely slept. Many nights, I ran under the cover of darkness heedless of the many dangers. My back ached from the strap, yet it did nothing to ease my torment. When I was able to close my eyes at night, Haven’s lovely face graced the back of my eyelids.
The New Year dawned and I’d finally said the last prayers. Would it be for the last time? I removed the robes and stood in the room of inequity, troubled by everything that should have been holy but was marred by acts I didn’t want and one that I did.
“Father Canaan.”
Blinking rapidly, I forced myself out of my head and into the present.
“Everything has been put away.”
I nodded at Shelby.
“Can I leave?”
I nodded again, unable to find words.
She scurried out and I let the river fall from my eyes. So much of my life centered around the church. I loved God and wanted to serve him for as long as I could remember. It had been His light that allowed me to overcome the scars of my soul and not let them deter me from my path. But what could I do?
It wasn’t about me or even Haven. An innocent grew within her from our lovemaking. Our transgression had created the most beautiful sin. A child who had no choice in parentage, would he or she be tainted? Unmarried, in the eyes of the church, our baby would be considered a bastard. And how unfair was that?
A Beautiful Sin Page 24