by Lucy Coleman
She nods, her eyes scanning the fields and taking in the landmarks. Gazing out at the hills far in the distance and the way the light plays across the landscape as a passing cloud obscures the sun’s rays, I can see Rona is captivated.
‘I’m rather glad we have a little time together on our own, Immi. There’s something I need to show you.’
Rona walks back to the coffee table where she left her handbag. She unzips it and pulls out a rather bulky envelope.
‘Gray hasn’t seen this. I’ve been sitting on it for a couple of weeks, but time is running out and I can’t ignore it any longer.’
Taking it from her, I sink down onto the sofa.
‘I’d like your opinion on what you think I should do for the best, especially given your future plans.’
Rona doesn’t take a seat but wanders back to take in the view as I glance over the contents.
There’s a sheet of paper folded in half and a laminated pouch. When I flip back the cover and slide out the contents it contains two airline tickets. I glance across at her, but she isn’t looking this way.
The flight is from London Heathrow to Los Angeles, flying out on the twenty-eighth of December. Placing the tickets back inside the envelope, I turn my attention to the letter.
My dearest Rona
It’s such a huge relief to hear your good news. I couldn’t bear to think of what you were going through and am only thankful Gray is such a comfort to you.
There is one favour I need to ask, as I extend an invitation I hope you can find it in your heart not to refuse. I promised I would never interfere with your lives, as I have no right to do so, but one of my mother’s biggest regrets in life was the way she came between us. It was only at the very end that she could bring herself to admit her wrongdoing.
You know about my own regrets, as I’ve expressed them many times over the years, but I’ve always respected your strength in choosing to bring up our son alone.
But that’s in the past now. Knowing that you are well again, nothing would make me happier than to spend a little time showing you the delights of California. There are no strings attached and while I understand that it would be awkward for you to stay at the house, some dear friends of mine are away until the end of January. They live a few doors down and there is a four-bedroom house with a swimming pool entirely at your disposal.
Please think of this as a little holiday and an olive branch. I expect nothing in return, other than the chance to chauffeur both you and Gray around and make your stay enjoyable.
My mother’s death has made me realise that Gray will never feel a personal connection to me – how can he, when I’ve been absent from his life? But in adulthood I owe him the chance of meeting me face to face. I can’t change the past, but there will be things he no doubt wants to say to me. Even if it’s just a chance for him to tell me how much he despises me, I owe him that at the very least.
But he is also the only beneficiary in my will and, having recently had to go through probate for my mother’s estate, there is a practical requirement attached to my offer too. Introducing Gray to my appointed executor will mean that I can then forget about the matter and get on with the rest of my life. And, so can our son.
One meeting will suffice, and I have no intention of putting any emotional pressure on Gray, whatsoever. This isn’t about making amends. I know it’s too late for that. It’s simply about ensuring that, when the time comes, Gray can be assured that any input from him will be minimal.
I will wait for your decision, whenever you are ready. If a visit in person is too painful, then I will of course understand, but it would simplify matters all round. And give me a chance to thank Gray for being your tower of strength.
With my best regards,
Grayson.
I look up, unsure of how long Rona has been standing there watching me.
‘Poignant, isn’t it? It sounds as if he never got over losing us, his only fault was in accepting it. I wish I’d realised his approaches weren’t aimed at trying to take Gray away from me.’ Her eyes reflect regret and sadness.
‘And you’re sure his intentions are good now?’
Rona nods, lowering herself down onto the sofa next to me. She sinks back into the cushions and I can tell from the way her body sags that she’s torn.
‘Yes. We never lost touch completely when Gray was growing up, you see. Every couple of years he’d write, asking how we were doing, and I’d send him a little update. Then about a year ago, he wrote to me to tell me that his mother was dying and asked if he could phone me. She was putting her affairs in order and wanted him to let me know how bitterly she regretted interfering in our marriage.
‘When Grayson and I first met, he was over here on business. He flew back and forth for a while then eventually brought his mother over to meet me. I gather that she told him straight that I wasn’t good enough for him. We married eighteen months later and on our wedding day, he admitted to me that she’d tried to talk him out of going through with it. In hindsight, she probably couldn’t bear the thought of letting him go, even though his father told her she was being manipulative. It broke her heart when he came to live here and she gave us six years of hell, aimed at trying to undermine our relationship. And she succeeded in getting to him. So, Grayson began trying to sell me the idea that we should move to the States.
‘I honestly think she thought I’d give in and it was only a matter of time before the three of us flew off and she could take control of Gray’s upbringing. At the time, Grayson believed her motives were for the best and he would have loved that, but I couldn’t face it. Her hatred for me grew for what she saw as stealing her son away from her and then her grandson. She was never going to forgive me for those lost years.’
‘I’m so sorry to hear that, Rona. What a terrible thing for you to bear. It’s both sad and tragic. Gray hasn’t mentioned his grandmother’s passing.’
She stares down at her hands, looking agitated.
‘He doesn’t know. It’s always been a taboo subject in general, because even the mention of anything to do with his father makes Gray angry. Oh, this is such a mess now and I don’t know quite how to handle it. I could have been a peacemaker all those years ago and I wasn’t. My pride was hurt and, well, I took it out on poor Grayson. I gave him an ultimatum and that was wrong of me.’
Poor Grayson? That’s not quite the picture I’d imagined from the little Gray has told me.
‘You were put in an awful position, Rona, and that wasn’t your fault.’
‘No, it wasn’t. But I became bitter and angry, retaliating in the only way I knew would really hurt him. I told Grayson I no longer loved him and that’s why he gave up trying and left. We never got divorced, you see. Gray doesn’t even know that.’
I’m stunned. ‘Goodness, Rona, that isn’t going to be an easy conversation. My heart goes out to you.’
‘Gray was nearly five when Grayson and I decided it was over and he flew back to California. It was a difficult time. He insisted on supporting us until Gray was old enough for me to work full-time. I begrudgingly accepted that, although in fairness he’d offered a lot more. But I wasn’t interested in his money, as I saw it as a form of control – and that reminded me of his mother. However, I had to be practical for the sake of my son. Once I had an income, I paid half of the mortgage and the arrangement I agreed to was that I’d remain in the house until Gray left home and then we’d sort things out. It was all handled through a third party and when the day came and I informed them of the change, I’d assumed the house would be sold and all ties cut.’
She glances at me, trying to assess my reaction, and her embarrassment is plain to see. This is a lot to take in and, as for Gray, I can’t even begin to imagine what his reaction is going to be.
‘But that never happened?’
‘No. He said that after all these years I had a right to live in the house as long as I wanted. When he rang to inform me that his mother had passed away, I felt it was
only fair to tell him that I had breast cancer. I had no idea what was going to happen and facing up to that meant he had a right to know. I couldn’t even bear to think about the two of them being left to sort out the mess I’d allowed to continue.’
Poor Rona, this is the last thing she needs right now. ‘Well, given the time you two have been apart, hopefully a solicitor can sort this out fairly easily.’
‘I believe Grayson when he says this isn’t about making up for lost time. A close death rams home the fact that the only inevitable thing about life is death. If anything happens to Grayson, or me, as it stands, we’re still technically husband and wife. I have absolutely no idea how that complicates matters, or the problems it presents. This trip would allow us to begin the process to put that right. As for leaving everything to Gray, well, that comes as a real surprise. It saddens me to think Grayson has never had someone else in his life. I assumed he just chose not to marry again.’
I refold the letter, placing it back inside the envelope, and hand it back to Rona.
‘That’s the real reason why you can’t just sell up and move, then. Oh, Rona, what a tough situation you’re in. And I know that Gray plans to try his best to convince you to look at a property close to the marina.’
She shakes her head, sadly, indicating that she has no idea what she’s going to do.
‘I need to make a decision rather quickly and I simply don’t know where to begin to explain all of this to Gray. He’s so happy right now and who knows how he’ll react when I tell him? I feel awful having to be the one to upset him, but I’m partly to blame, so maybe that’s karma. The only person I can ask for their opinion is you, Immi. I’ve put my son through enough and now all I want is for the two of you to be able to grab the happiness you both deserve.’
Instinctively I cup my hand to my mouth, pressing my lips against my curled fingers. I wonder if it’s a subconscious warning to say nothing, but Rona’s eyes are seeking mine out, appealing for help.
I let out a rather jaded sigh. ‘I think that whatever you decide will come with its own set of problems. But ignoring it is just postponing the inevitable.’
As a new wife, how awful to be made to feel you aren’t good enough. Sometimes events overtake decisions and it sounds as if Grayson’s mother was backing Rona into a corner, so her gut instinct was to cling onto her son and push her husband away. Is she worried that Gray will see it differently when she tells him everything?
‘You’re right, there’s no way you can anticipate Gray’s reaction to this. But my take on it is that you need to separate the two issues. Just stick to the facts. You’re being asked to pass on a message from his father. Let Gray read the letter and decide for himself. If he doesn’t want to go, then clearly his father holds no meaning for him. If he agrees, then there’s unfinished business here for him. Just because we don’t speak about something, doesn’t mean we’ve let it go – does it?’
Rona leans forward, placing her hand on my shoulder.
‘You’re thinking about your mother. I hope I haven’t made you sad. And as for my other problem?’
Rona has no choice.
‘You can’t think about moving on until it’s resolved, can you? If you do nothing and ignore the letter, the problem won’t simply go away. Gray and I want you to be a part of our lives going forward, on a daily basis. He will eventually know something isn’t right if you cling onto the house for the wrong reasons. I’m sure he’ll understand if you explain it all to him. When the deed is done, if there’s anything at all I can do to help, then I’m here.’
‘Thank you, Immi, for putting it into perspective and giving your honest opinion. I feel so awful that in the midst of your good news, this has suddenly reared its head. The last thing I’d ever want to do is to upset either of you. After all, you are Gray’s future and my stupidity at letting this slide means it could risk upsetting any New Year’s plans the two of you have made.’
It’s awful to think that Rona has had this hanging over her, when she should be celebrating the good news about her health.
‘Missing a couple of parties isn’t the end of the world, Rona, if Gray decides this is something that he has to do. And I hope he does, for both your sakes. It’s the curiosity, you see. Wondering what your biological parent looks like and if they truly regret the past, not simply saying they’re sorry. Sorry doesn’t cut it. You say sorry if you accidentally knock into someone in the supermarket. Missing out on being a part of someone’s life, and even shaping it, is life-changing. My mother was young when she left and maybe she couldn’t cope, I don’t know – but I’d still like to find out what exactly happened. The fact that Grayson never remarried might mean he found it harder to walk away than it appeared at the time. Who knows?’
Rona looks upset, but more than that – I can see she is carrying a heavy load of guilt and has deep regrets. I find it hard to believe this gentle woman could ever do, or say, anything to cause an irreparable hurt, if she wasn’t convinced she was doing it for the right reason.
‘What if I was wrong? Maybe I wanted to punish Grayson because I felt he didn’t stand up and fight for us. Pride is an awful thing, Immi, but perhaps I was too young to be able to appreciate that fact.’
Is it simply human nature for most people to blame themselves first? Time and time again I wonder if my mother walked away because she was disappointed in me. I can empathise with the emotions welling up inside Rona as she faces one of the toughest tasks any mother could. The decision she made changed both her and Gray’s lives forever, but the events leading up to that weren’t of her choosing.
‘Love shouldn’t be about fighting, Rona. Love should be about nurturing, not making your loved ones choose – that’s just selfishness. Grayson’s mother put herself before her son. You have always put Gray first, and that’s why he’d do anything for you.’
She looks at me with the sadness in her heart reflected in her eyes.
‘I know it’s a lot to ask, but if the right moment presents itself, would you… could you… warn Gray that I need to talk to him about his father? For several years now, he’s refused to talk about anything to do with the past. I need him to listen to me, even if he has nothing to say in return.’
I stare back at her, feeling her pain, and I know I can’t refuse her request.
‘I promise I’ll try.’
‘That’s all I ask. Thank you, Immi.’
12
Jingle Bells All the Way
Rona decides she will sit down with Gray on Monday to have the talk and tell him everything. For the sake of her health she can’t ignore this for much longer, because the last thing she needs in her life now is stress. For the rest of today, however, I decide to make sure Rona is surrounded by laughter and gaiety to take her mind off a task she isn’t relishing.
Watching Rona and Ethel in the galley, assembling the kids’ little snack boxes and chattering away like old friends, I send up a silent prayer of thanks.
‘It’s good seeing her here, isn’t it?’ Gray sidles up to me. I tilt my head, looking across at that handsome face, and reach up to tweak his captain’s hat.
Sometimes he’s just too darned cute-looking for his own good.
He starts humming the tune to ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day’ under his breath, grabbing me by the waist and sashaying me around playfully.
‘Stop, or you’ll end up with a crooked cap again. Yes, they’re getting on very well indeed. Valerie is going to join us for the cruise today, too. I never thought to ask her before, but she was delighted.’
‘Valerie?’ Gray wrinkles his brow.
‘Mrs Price – our ticket lady.’
‘Valerie? My goodness. Who would have guessed?’
He draws me even closer, giving a quick squeeze before planting a kiss firmly on my lips, regardless of who might be watching. I pull away, laughing.
‘Behave yourself, captain. Anyway, I think it suits her. Let’s keep a special eye out for her in future, Gray.
I know she only lives a short walk away, but we mustn’t forget to involve Valerie in everything. It never occurred to me before that the reason she probably doesn’t come to The Bullrush Inn after dark is that she has to walk home alone along quite a stretch of a badly lit, narrow country lane.’
He purses his lips. ‘Hmm. I see what you mean. Good job you have Captain Gray here on hand, then. Just give me a nudge whenever you need me. And soon, well, pretty soon, I’ll be a permanent resident here, too.’
‘Where’s the music, then?’ Abe eases past, as we’re blocking the gangway.
‘I’m off to sort that now,’ I reply.
‘Immi, how many boxes do we need today?’ Ethel calls out.
Gray rests his forehead against mine for a brief second.
‘Go on, I’ll stop distracting you. Nothing functions right unless you’re directing us. Have I ever told you that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me?’
‘There are only eleven boxes here, Immi. There aren’t any more in the cupboard. Please tell me we have a stock somewhere else,’ Ethel continues.
I turn on my heel and start humming ‘The Holly and the Ivy’.
Gray joins in, then Abe in his raspy, baritone voice and before I reach the galley to search for boxes, everyone is singing in unison.
As The Star Gazer chugs along, the kids are sitting cross-legged on the rug while Santa tells one of his stories.
‘When I began to slide down the chimney…’ Tollie pauses for a second, glancing from face to face ‘… I came to an abrupt halt. Rudolph’s face peered down at me from the top and I called out, “I’m stuck, Rudolph, get help,” and off he dashed. I wriggled and wriggled, but nothing happened. I breathed in, but it made no difference. I swung my legs back and forth, kicking my boots against the bricks, trying with all my might to free myself. But I was well and truly stuck.’