She shook her head and fought the urge to chew her nail again. “I never told anyone. I felt like an idiot. Who’d believe me?”
“I would’ve.” He still looked mad as hell. “Pervert should’ve been taught a lesson.”
“My mom caught him.” Self-consciously she touched her hair. “She beat the crap out of him.”
“She cut him loose?”
“Oh, yeah. Totally.”
He was still glaring, but he no longer looked as though he were about to rip bricks from the wall. “I can’t believe you didn’t even tell Coop.”
“I don’t tell him everything.”
Her words hung between them, their implication magnifying by the second. Was he going to say anything about those few weeks they’d shared? She wasn’t sure she was up for a dissection of that yet. I’ll never be ready for that.
“What made you change your mind?” There was an odd note in his voice. “About wearing the makeup all the time?”
She’d known this question was coming from the second she’d decided to confide in him. It didn’t make answering him any easier. “I guess I finally realized I didn’t need to hide behind that mask anymore. It was like I decided to stop giving him that power over me.”
It was the truth but it wasn’t the whole truth. She’d used that mask to face the world, and she’d used it to face Alex after he’d rejected her when she was sixteen. Eight years was long enough. It was time she accepted she’d never get over him. All she could do was try and find a happily-ever-after without him.
Slowly he put his cup down and then gripped the edge of the counter with both hands. Head bowed he dragged in a harsh breath. Her heart ached to see him still in such pain.
She’d taken a step toward him before she even realized it. This is such a bad idea. It was one thing to bare her soul. It was another to even think about actually touching him. Look what had happened the last time she’d comforted him.
Except that was different. This time he was fully awake, no chance of him mistaking reality for a dream. No chance of him losing control and hating himself afterward.
He already had her heart. It wasn’t as though she had anything left to lose. Just one final time to last me forever.
Why’s she standing so close to me? Didn’t she know it was taking every ounce of willpower he had not to touch her?
No, she probably didn’t. As far as she was concerned, that was over. He’d told her that, because he was so damn afraid of hurting her.
I’d never hurt her. He knew that now, and it had taken a nearly dead kitten to make him face the darkness that lived inside him. The black hole that had devoured and distorted every thought and action he’d had over the last God-only-knew-how-many years.
He needed control when it came to sex. It was who he was, what turned him on. Truth was, losing it the other week had scared the shit out of him. Letting go left him exposed, vulnerable, and reminded him of when he was a helpless kid, and there was no way in hell he wanted to feel that way again.
Except with her. He wanted the freedom to sometimes let all his barriers come crashing down and just take everything she offered.
Why’d it take me so long to figure that out?
Her hand was next to his on the counter. He only had to move his little finger and they’d be touching. And then it seemed she read his mind, because her finger grazed his.
His breath damn near stalled in his chest. He risked giving her a sideways glance. Their gazes clashed. She’s not backing away.
She wasn’t coming any closer, either. Did she want this? There was only one way to find out. He slid his hand around her wrist and tugged her toward him.
There was no hesitation. She wound her arm around him and rested her head against his shoulder. Heaven. He closed his eyes and breathed in deep, her familiar scent arousing and comforting all at the same time.
For a few moments he savored the feel of her in his arms and the softness of her hair against his jaw. You’re all I need. Her body fit his so perfectly. He’d missed her so bad these last few weeks.
She looked up at him. Her eyelashes weren’t long and thick or green or purple. They were delicate and pale and framed her pretty eyes better than any vibrant shade of the rainbow she’d used in the past. She slowly rose onto her toes and brushed a barely-there kiss on his jaw.
His grip on her wrist tightened and he forked his fingers through her hair, holding the back of her head to keep her where he wanted her. Right here in my arms.
“If you don’t want this, you better say it right now.” His voice was raw but she didn’t flinch. She never flinched.
“I want this.”
He buried his face in her hair, not trusting himself to speak. She’s giving me another chance. He didn’t deserve it, but by hell he was going to take it with both hands. There was just one problem. “Is Clay going to burst in here looking for you?”
“He won’t be coming in here for another half hour.”
That was good enough for him. Without giving her the chance to change her mind, he pulled her sweater over her head and tossed it onto the counter. His fingers shook as he undid the buttons on her shirt, but she didn’t seem to notice. Doesn’t matter even if she did. He didn’t need to hide from her anymore. She’d seen him at his worst, heard his sordid confessions and shared his bleakest memories.
He pushed her shirt along her arms and then bound her wrists behind her back with the sleeves. Her pale blue cami skimmed her midriff, and the narrow straps over her bare shoulders made her look so fragile his heart hurt.
She wasn’t fragile. She was the toughest woman he’d ever known. God knows what he’d done that she wanted him in her life.
“Into improvisation as well, huh?” Her smile took his breath away.
“You better believe it.” He trailed his finger over the curve of her breasts and her nipples hardened through the thin fabric of her bra. “The kitchen’s full of inspiration.”
“Guess I should call you sir, then.”
“Guess you should.” Even the thought of her calling him sir made him hard. No other woman had ever sounded so sexy and desirable or just plain fuckable as when Ella wrapped her gorgeous lips around that word.
“Do you want me on my knees, sir?”
Her breathy question just about killed him. “Not today.” To think how close I came to losing you. She was his sub, but he was her slave. “I want you just the way you are.”
He kneeled before her and undid her jeans, pushing them down her legs before palming her ass. “You’re gorgeous.” He pressed his lips against her stomach. “I need to get a condom.”
“No need.” Her voice was uneven. “I’m still on the pill.”
Christ. He screwed his eyes shut as memories of the last time they’d been together flooded through his mind. It had been insane. Amazing. He’d never ridden bareback before.
“You’re the best Christmas present I’ve ever had.” He took her lacy thong between his teeth and tugged it down. Her scent pushed him close to the edge.
“It’s not Christmas yet.”
His teeth weren’t doing the job. He hooked his thumbs into the ribbon bands and inched them down her thighs. “It will be by the time I’ve finished with you.”
She gave a choked laugh, as though she wasn’t sure whether she found that funny or not. He glanced up at her and caught an oddly wistful expression on her face. “Promises,” she said softly, and for some reason it sent a strange pain straight through his chest.
“Count on it.”
She shifted restlessly. “You know I could easily get out of this if I wanted to.” She swung her bound hands to the side.
“I know. But you won’t until I say you can.”
He held her steady as he pulled her sneakers and jeans off. It felt like the first time all over again. Except this time there’d be no holding back. No hiding behind his goddamn mask. Not with her. Not anymore.
Her skin was silky soft as he trailed hot kisses along the
inside of her thigh. She sighed and spread her legs, and he caressed her lower back and butt with the tips of his fingers.
Mine. Forever. It was an alien concept and it felt so damn right. With a groan he pressed his mouth over her sweet slit and teased her clit.
“God, Alex. I want to touch you.”
“Not yet.” He tasted her with his tongue and she shivered, her sharp intake of breath stoking his need higher.
Control…the demand collapsed even as the thought formed. He didn’t need to be in absolute control, one hundred percent of the time. Not anymore. A wild sense of freedom rushed through him, and he stood and scooped her into his arms.
She gasped and then laughed, snuggling against him. “I thought you were going to do some kitchen magic.”
“I want you on your back when I take you.” He grinned down at her as he marched into the small living room adjacent to the kitchen. “The floor’s too hard for what I’ve got in mind.”
“I like it hard.”
This woman would have him begging at her feet before the night was over. “Yeah, I know you do. And babe, you’re going to get it. But on the sofa.”
“You’re just a big softie on the quiet.”
He lowered her onto the sofa and couldn’t take his gaze from her as he ripped off his clothes. “Keep that between us, would you. Don’t want to ruin my tough guy rep.”
She smiled up at him, but for a weird moment she looked as though she was about to cry. “Wouldn’t dream of spilling our secrets.” Her voice was husky. “You can trust me.” She sounded as though she didn’t think he did.
He’d spend the rest of their lives proving her wrong about that.
Her hands were still bound behind her back. He loved it but tonight he wanted more. Straddling her, he slowly tugged her shirt free and flung it onto the floor. “Touch me all you want.”
He half expected her to go straight for his cock. But she didn’t. She smoothed her palms over his chest and shoulders and then cradled his jaw. It was crazy how good that felt.
“I’ll make it count,” she whispered, which didn’t make any sense, but he didn’t care.
Their kiss was hot and sweet, and he raked his fingers through her hair.
Slow down.
But he couldn’t. And it didn’t matter. Because he no longer needed to prove anything to himself when it came to her.
“Babe,” he groaned against her mouth. “It’s going to be hard and fast tonight.”
“Do it,” she panted. “I need you right now.”
He kneed her thighs apart. This isn’t how I planned it. Sometimes plans were overrated.
He pushed into her. She was wet and hot and hugged his cock so damn tight he saw stars. It was cramped and awkward on the sofa, but she wrapped her legs around him and nothing else mattered.
All he could see was her face, filling his world, and goddamn it, she had always filled his world. His hand shook as he brushed his fingers along her flushed cheek.
The past couldn’t be changed. His brothers no longer needed him. Finally he could see a future without shadows, if she was by his side. You unlocked my guilt and set me free.
She met every frenzied thrust, her lips parted and eyes glazed. So beautiful. Her nails scratched his back, and he reared over her, demanding all that she had.
Her orgasm gripped him, squeezing his dick. Christ it’s never been like this before. A groan of surrender ripped from him, and he gave her everything he was.
Chapter Eighteen
Ella clung onto his shoulders, eyes screwed shut, trying to make the moment last as long as possible. One final time. She’d been crazy. She should’ve just left before any of this started. With his words and touch he’d glued her shattered heart back together. And now it was going to all fall apart again.
How many times could a heart break before it just gave up?
His labored breathing slowed, and he stirred. She clung on tighter, not wanting to let him go, but he raised his head from her shoulder anyway.
“That was good.” He grinned at her, looking so gorgeous and sexy her entire body ached with grief. “Okay, better than good. No need to look at me like that.” He rubbed the tip of his nose over hers. Don’t cry.
“Happy Christmas.” Hopefully he’d think she was hoarse because of the sex and not because her throat was clogged with tears.
“Ha, not yet.” He tugged gently on her hair. “But don’t worry, I fully intend to keep that promise as soon as I’ve got you back home.”
Her insides clenched. She’d been the biggest idiot alive to do this. Of course she wanted more. She’d always want more. But he couldn’t give her what she wanted and she couldn’t go back to the way they’d been.
This isn’t Excalibur. So he didn’t mind about them screwing outside his club anymore, but he couldn’t commit the way she needed. When he’d tried, at the cabin, it’d triggered a nightmare.
She wouldn’t put him through that again by asking for something he obviously couldn’t give.
He braced his weight on his fists and loomed over her. “Hey, you okay? Too hard for you?” Another irresistible smile tugged at his lips.
And there went the last piece of her heart, this time forever.
“You wish.” Clearly her attempt at mockery worked as he brushed a kiss on her lips before slowly withdrawing.
Talk about torture. The slow glide of his cock against her tender flesh did nothing to help her resolve to get up and leave right now.
He grabbed his shirt from the floor and tucked it around her, from neck to knees. “Don’t want you getting cold.”
For a long moment she lay there, breathing in the faint scent of his cologne on his shirt and watching him pull on his boxer briefs and pants. And then an unromantic side effect of not using a condom hit her, and her thighs went rigid. Face burning, she snatched up her own shirt and shoved it between her legs.
So not the last image I want him to have of me. Couldn’t do anything about it though. It was either this, or risk leaving a big wet patch on the sofa. She tried not to cringe and totally failed.
He sat at the end of the sofa and lifted her feet onto his lap. It reminded her of Paris’ party. At least he hadn’t noticed her little embarrassment fest. “I guess it’s too much to ask for you to spend tomorrow with me.”
“What?” She stared at him. Obviously the way he was stroking her bare feet was causing her brain to short circuit, because it sounded as though he wanted her to spend Christmas Day with him.
“Your mom’ll go crazy if I steal you away tomorrow, right?” He gave her another drop dead gorgeous smile that scrambled whatever was left of her brain.
She let out a ragged breath. He wanted more hot sex tomorrow. Sure, why wouldn’t he? They were great in the sack together.
It’s not enough. She had to finish this now, not drag it out for days or weeks or however long it lasted.
“I’m working tomorrow.”
“Well, hell.” His face fell and he looked so disappointed it was hard not to crawl onto his lap and promise him anything and everything he wanted. “Guess I could always keep you company for a few hours. I’ll bring you eggnog.” He snorted with laughter because it was a well known fact he loathed eggnog.
Screw the eggnog. He’d just offered to spend part of Christmas Day at Gaia.
She wanted him here, but it would just complicate everything further. Sure, this mess tonight was all her own fault. She couldn’t blame him. It didn’t make what she had to say any easier, though.
Alex wrapped his hand around her foot as he waited for her smart retort, which didn’t come. Didn’t she want him at her beloved animal sanctuary tomorrow? He thought she’d be stoked.
“Thanks, but…” She curled her toes and slowly raised her knees so her feet slid off his lap. “Don’t want to ruin your day.”
She doesn’t want me here. It was an effort to keep his mask from falling back in place and hiding what he really felt. Not doing that anymore. Not with you. T
here were a hundred reasons why she might not want him at Gaia tomorrow, and none of them personal.
“It wouldn’t ruin my day. But how about I do a late dinner for us?” He’d have to enlist the help of his gran, since he hadn’t planned on doing any cooking over the holiday and had nothing fit to feed her with.
She sat up, tucked her legs under her and hugged his shirt to her as though it was some kind of protective force field. “Mmm.” There was a distinct lack of enthusiasm in her tone, and ice trickled through the center of his chest. Something’s wrong…
All his good intentions died an ugly death and his mask came crashing back down. “Another time, then?” He sounded like he didn’t give a shit one way or the other.
She flinched, even though she tried to hide it, and disgust kicked through him. Don’t take it out on her. Just because he wanted more right now didn’t mean she did.
What was it she’d wanted back at the cabin? Let people know we’re together. Go out on dates. She hadn’t said anything about him stalking her at work or forcing her to eat his food.
“I’m sorry.” Her head dropped. “I can’t do this.”
His stomach knotted, and tension twisted across his shoulders and gripped the back of his neck. The same self-preservation that had gotten him through the last twelve years resurfaced, and the overwhelming urge to get up, walk away, and tell her okay, that’s fine hammered through him.
And if he did that, it’d all be over for sure.
He tore his gaze from her and focused on his fists. Slowly he flexed his fingers and pressed his open palms against his thighs. He’d spent years lying to himself when it came to Ella and what he wanted. No way was he going to give up now, just because he’d pushed too hard and she was set to run.
He’d do this her way—however she wanted.
“Okay. Forget tomorrow. J and Scarlett are having a family thing on the twenty-sixth. I’ll pick you up at seven for that.” He hadn’t planned going on his own, but it was different if she came with him. It was kind of like a date, right?
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
A terrifying hollow sensation filled his chest. Whatever she’d wanted back in the cabin, she obviously didn’t want it anymore. So what the hell just happened? A good-bye fuck?
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