“Agents Gates and Snow have informed you of Division’s interest in forming a relationship?”
“They laid it out for me,” I said, even though only Sam said anything about it. “But I’d like to hear it from you.”
The director smiled, slow and smooth.
“Work with us. Be a part of Division, and make a difference here, Up Above. You could be the hope these half-castes need.”
And lead a half-caste army someday? I had to wonder what scenarios the director saw inside that intelligent head of hers.
“You can already telepath with other castes, yes?”
I nodded, giving nothing away.
“Does that include half-castes?”
Perhaps it was curiosity, arrogance, or simply vanity, but I wanted to tell her what I could do, telepath with her, see if those sharp eyes would grow wide with shock and maybe even respect. My demon half knew it would be playing a hand prematurely. I may have agreed with what the director was doing here, but I couldn’t trust her with my secrets. Not yet. Maybe not ever. And especially not because of my own, vain curiosity.
“What do you want me to do?”
The director sat back, considering what would convince me I imagined. “The Royal will not share her reign with you. If you go to her, if she convinces you to blood bond into the Underrealm, she will stop at nothing to get rid of you.”
Director Pakala knew a lot about Royalty. And my mother. Made me curious as to why, but I said nothing, waiting.
“Do you believe me?” she asked, leaning forward.
“I do,” I said, and in that moment, I did believe her. Not because I knew for a fact, but because it had been a reality in the back of my mind from the beginning, though I hadn’t realized it fully until now. If Iliana didn’t want to share her rule, she would destroy me. It was her nature.
“Do not risk your life, the life of your human family simply to gain the power your Razer instincts crave. Working here, helping those like you without ego or ambition,” the director leaned forward further. “That is an admirable use of what you’ve been given.”
She made a good argument. I could see myself here, being a part of this team. But…“I can’t make this decision now.”
She leaned back. “You need time. Of course. You are welcome to remain here until—”
“No. I need to go back home. Talk to my friends. Find out more information before I make any decisions.”
Director Pakala stood, and I looked up at her, expecting anger or insistence, expecting her to say if I wouldn’t stay voluntarily, she would force me to stay by any means necessary.
Instead, she said, “A leader must always know her options.”
Exhaling, and briefly considering how incredible it would be to learn from this woman, I said, “I know what you’re offering. I respect what you do here. And maybe I can be of help to you. But I have to do it right. There are others I’m responsible for.”
The director nodded, and held out her hand. I stood, and slid mine into hers.
“Please know, we can protect you and yours. Contact us when you’ve made your decision.”
CHAPTER 26
A few hours later, after saying goodbye to Sam and writing a note to Mina, Jake flew back to St. Louis, this time with Holly in the plane with us.
They didn’t say anything, or even look at each other. I wondered what kept Holly from accepting him as more than her partner. Wondered if Jake truly loved her, not just lusted after her because she was gorgeous. Wondered if, no matter how a person looked, relationships were messy and painful and inevitably difficult.
By the time we landed, I’d made some decisions. I didn’t know how I would accomplish them, but my mind was made up. As they drove me back home, and dropped me off a block away in case my sentries were there—even though I didn’t expect them to be guarding me anymore—I said I’d be in touch, and left with a joyless smile and a nod of appreciation.
Neither Jake nor Holly minded. Or noticed.
When I walked up to The Bookstore, I was oddly stricken by the unlit lights, the dark sign that hung over the door that said The Bookstore in black, bold letterers. Beneath it, in a decorative script, it laughably declared, Buy, Sell, Trade New and Used Books, as if the name of the store weren’t enough to tell people what we did inside.
Streetlights were back on. Electricity was probably back on inside too.
It made me sad to see the store closed, which was stupid. I wasn’t inside, manning the place. It was still only one-third of the way filled with books that had survived my gale. But, even if it wasn’t rational, it made me miserable.
I needed this place like I needed Dad, like I needed Benn. The Bookstore gave me a purpose, gave me a home, a place to be, something to do, to care about each day. Without it, the only three things I cared about in the world above was down to two, and it wasn’t right to rest everything I was, wanted to be, on Benn and Dad.
Did they have to stunt their own lives to accommodate my issues all these years? In the end, would it have been better for them if I’d chosen the Underrealm four years ago instead of stubbornly holding onto a shadow life?
Benn would have been alone in that graveyard, I reminded myself. Up Above was the right decision.
But maybe it was time I stopped using them as a crutch. My love for them shaped all my decisions. But was that fair to them?
I knew it without a doubt. Everything was changing. I’d been trying to keep what I had intact, even though I wasn’t the same person I used to be. That was one of the decisions I’d made on the plane.
Accept what has already changed.
I needed answers. If I was playing this whole thing one step at a time, attending to the questions Division awoke in me was my next step.
The question was, who had the answers?
Unlocking The Bookstore front door, and sliding inside quietly, I knew Rowan was there even before I turned on the lights and looked up into his eyes.
“You were standing here in the dark?” I said, exhaustion affecting my voice. “That’s creepy.”
When he raised his eyebrows, and ran a hand through his already messy, pure gold hair, I realized he’d been worried about me. I wanted to ask why he left the way he did before if he cared. But the look of true concern, the eyes that scanned me noticeably for injury, and the clear wave of relief when he found me intact stilled my sharp tongue.
He sniffed. “You have blood on you.”
I remembered the drips on my shirt, and was surprised he could smell such a tiny amount. “I’m healed now.”
“You were gone for twenty-four hours.”
I nodded, not understanding why Rowan was compelled to state the obvious.
Not wanting him to think I was completely brainless and left town unexpectedly with a stranger to visit possible, hostile, enemy territory without letting someone know, I said, “I told Benn.”
Rowan closed his eyes. “I should have known to go to him.”
Feeling self-protective, because I was still hurt from Rowan’s rejection, I made my expression uninterested even though seeing him here made everything I felt for him kick right back on. Now I knew I didn’t have the slightest chance of getting over it. With him standing in front of me, concern in his incredible eyes, the idea was laughable.
“Do you want something, or can I go to bed?” I asked, managing calm words.
“I’d like to apologize for—”
“I don’t need it.” I was too tired and too worn out, too confused and too uneasy about what was to come, and feeling way too emotional to deal with this. Rowan was here. He was talking to me, looking me in the eyes. That was more of an apology than his words could ever be.
The tinsel-shimmer slid down his body the next instant, drawing my full attention. “My assumptions about Connell were unfair.”
I raised an eyebrow at his magnificent, unglamoured face, but said nothing. Couldn’t.
“And I know what happened with Grayson…wasn’t consensual.�
�
Champagne erupted in white gold fury, but Rowan’s unglamoured expression stayed composed, compassionate.
I swallowed. “It won’t be a problem again. I went all Royal on his ass.”
Rowan made no signs of this being a surprise, so I had to assume either he could hear the hum my skin gave off—though it wasn’t as loud anymore—or he’d been told.
“Grayson has cleared me of my debt. His favor has been repaid in full. He said I am free to go.”
Whipping my attention from his unglamoured perfection, I whispered, “You’re leaving?”
“I don’t…” he looked away, “have to.”
I exhaled a breath I’d been holding that was starting to cause pain.
“I ordered Grayson to be all allegiancey with me. Not sure I can take that back, so I need a sentry who’ll…you know, not be.”
One sharp nod, then Rowan said, “If you are to continue accepting me as a guard…a sentry,” I smirked at his use of my word, “then…will you permit me to give you something?”
Curiosity, my new albatross, got the better of me. “Give me what?”
“A sad story.” He took a deep breath, and corrected, “a memory.”
Without knowing where it came from or how I could be so certain, I knew it meant something huge that Rowan would tell me about himself. Maybe it was the way he said it, maybe it was the closed-off way he carried himself around everyone I’d seen him with. But, to give me a part of his past was the greatest thing he could give, and my frazzled emotions, my uneasiness, my confusion disappeared.
Momentarily wide awake, I went to one of the couches in the corner of The Bookstore, flipped on a lamp, and gave Rowan my undivided attention when he sat down on the same couch, and faced me.
“Her name was Rosie,” he said, and my eyes grew wide as I realized what kind of memory this was going to be.
“We came up together, trained together, discovered the ‘realm together. Rosie was the kind of female everyone instantly cared for. Her charisma and warmth made her…incredible.”
Rowan, looking far off into the distance as the memory playing in his mind made his lips flutter into a small grin, whispered, “She was my…everything.”
I understood this was in the past, that there was no reason for the stab of jealousy, but there it was. The gentleness in his voice, the way his eyes gleamed.
What a gift it would be, to be loved by this male.
“We turned twelve the same year, and were dispatched to different demons to serve our eight years. I served a Tempter named Sasha. Rosie served an upper-class Reaper named Eyal. It was difficult, being away from her for the first time, but we kept in touch, wrote, stole away afternoons when we could.”
“There was no question we’d be together when our years were served. After all, what was eight years in the grand scheme of a lifetime with the one you want? The thought of her, of us, got me through my service.”
The gleam in his eyes changed, his shoulders stiffened. When he continued, his voice was still gentle, but no longer with affection.
“Her letters came less frequently after a time. We stole away fewer afternoons, until Rosie was gone. I saw her maybe a year after she’d stopped writing back, but hardly recognized her. The light in her, the warmth, the spark that made her special was gone. Eyal had taken her as a mistress, and molded her into a complete stranger. He made her empty, a shadow.”
My lack of emotions before my glamour was lifted reminded Rowan of what became of Rosie. Was that the reason for his constant scowling?
I’d never met a Reaper face-to-face. All I knew of them was that they were rumored to once have been human, and cared for nothing but their Empress. They were said to be without life, without a conscience, without morality or heart. How could any female choose a male like that over the vibrant male beside me?
“A few months ago, my years of service to Sasha were complete,” he said, and I did the math. Rowan was my age. I liked that.
“She dismissed me to live out the rest of my life in freedom. Rosie,” Rowan’s jaw clenched, “chose to stay with Eyal, to remain in his service and as his mistress.”
I frowned. “She chose to stay a slave?”
“It happens with my caste. They no longer know anything but service, have formed bonds of loyalty to their charge, and prefer to dedicate their existence to what they know rather than discover what could be.”
“Like Cy?”
“Yes,” Rowan gave a disgruntled huff. “Though, as much as it pains me to say, Grayson is a reasonable male, despite his considerable flaws. He treats Cyrus with respect.”
There was more to this than Rosie. There was something deeper that ignited grief inside me. I was hesitant to ask, not sure if I wanted to know the answer.
“And Sasha? How did she treat you?”
Rowan said nothing, but his eyes darkened, his presence grew more and more dangerous, filled the room with wrath, tension, and shame.
He didn’t need to say it. I knew. Sasha the Tempter had used him, mistreated him in ways I couldn’t even imagine. Didn’t want to imagine.
Is she why my projecting upset you so much?
I realized it as I asked. There had been so many reasons for Rowan to be uncomfortable around me. His annoyed reactions to feeling my feelings was because it was painful for him.
I’d hurt him.
“She would bring in younglings,” his eyes closed. “I’d…we’d feel everything they felt. Everything she made them feel. How they were different…broken…after.”
I swallowed, feeling sick.
“You had such darkness in you before. It felt just like…”
I’m so sorry. I didn’t…
“It was out of your control,” Rowan’s smoky, deep voice gaining strength. “It was irrational to hold it against you and…since your glamour was lifted…”
“I’m glad I don’t hurt you anymore,” I said, unable to look at him.
A few moments passed before Rowan continued. “Some of those in Sasha’s service went mad before our years were through. But I survived it. For her. For Rosie.”
He’d held out hope until the end. Rowan needed that hope, that ray of a future to keep his sanity through the things Sasha had done. Rosie could have changed her mind, been discharged from the Reaper’s service. But she hadn’t.
There was a look on his face that I couldn’t read, except I knew he was in pain, could feel it in the air. I tried to reach out to him, find his skin and let him take comfort from me. But the second Rowan saw me move for him, he got up from the couch, keeping his eyes to the ground.
“I will be honorable from now on.”
How did I tell him not to be? How did I tell him I didn’t want that, that I wanted him the way I’d had him for a few minutes yesterday?
Then his eyes rose from the floor, and locked onto mine, a rhythm of his conflicted emotions thumping through me. “If you wish me to stay, you have to say it.”
“Stay.”
He shook his head, and fought a smile at my lack of hesitation. “I have to be made an official guard. I have to be made your Sentinel.”
“Just tell me how.”
Rowan’s expression was now completely blank. If that was something I could learn, the demon part of me wanted to. But my human side hated it. Hated the lost feeling it gave me.
“For now, get your rest.”
“How do I make you—?”
“Tomorrow,” he said quietly, but firmly, leaving no doubt that the conversation was over.
I didn’t like how he told me what to do. But I was tired. And it was obvious that the things he’d told me weren’t as easy for him to share as it seemed. This was all I would learn about him tonight.
Tomorrow would be a new day, and I had plans to start working on.
Practicality squashed my obstinacy, and I got up and left the demon without another word. As I ascended the stairs and got ready for bed, images of Rowan with another female plagued me. Images of a Tem
pter female torturing children and making her guards watch cut through the thoughts of Rowan with someone else. The sensuality of some thoughts mixed with the disgusting cruelty of the others made me nauseated. I slurped water from the faucet, trying to tamp down my revulsion.
As I gasped for breath, I thought about Rowan. How strong he had to have been to survive what he’d gone through. My demon half respected his strength. He’d been tested. She saw him as a worthy companion, a worthy ally.
My human half wanted to hold him, kiss him, show him his future could be bright, filled with affection and love. She wanted all of Rowan’s tomorrows to make up for his yesterdays.
Then I felt thankful for his order to go to bed, because as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was asleep.
CHAPTER 27
Grayson yelling was the sound that woke me from a heavy sleep. I’d almost decided to ignore it, and let the demons be idiots all they wanted without getting involved when there was a soft, but hyper rap on my bedroom door.
Even though I still felt exhausted, it could have been Rowan, so I scrambled out of bed, worried something had happened. But it was Cyrus, with brown eyes the size of saucers.
“What’s wrong?” I grabbed his hand.
He gave a slight bow, but didn’t pull back his hand. “I believe you are needed downstairs.”
Without another thought, I followed Cy through my living room, down the stairs, and into the main part of The Bookstore. We got there in time to see Rowan’s fist collide with Grayson’s nose at the same time Grayson’s elbow collided with Rowan’s mouth. Two different shades of blood spattered their clothes and the wood floor, one reddish purple and the other kind of a rust color.
I groaned, leaning against Cyrus’s shoulder. “What exactly are they doing?”
“Defending your honor,” the Hammer at my side said in all seriousness. I rolled my eyes. “Grayson should not have done what he did.”
“Are you…can you say something like that about him?”
I didn’t know what being an aide to a Royal advisor meant, but Cy hadn’t said anything against Grayson before that I could think of. And there was no questioning his loyalty to the Tempter.
Defying Instinct (Demon Instinct Series) Page 18