‘Her name is Emma. I believe she’s a regular customer of yours.’
The shopkeeper eyed me carefully if not a little suspiciously. ‘There is such a thing as customer confidentiality.’
‘OK, I understand that and if I’m being completely honest, she doesn’t know I’m here,’ I confessed. ‘But I know she needs help and I think that she trusts me enough to know I want what’s best for her.’
‘So why the secrecy? Why not bring Emma along with you?’ he asked, unconvinced by my argument thus far.
‘Because I think a surprise is well overdue, a nice one that is.’
Rather than reply immediately, the shopkeeper took a closer look at me. ‘You must be Ben,’ he said at last and then a broad grin settled across his face. ‘How may I assist you?’
‘I’m planning a little expedition and I need your help convincing Emma to accompany me, no questions asked,’ I said, my eyes darting towards the shelves that the shopkeeper was still protecting. ‘The problem isn’t the gift itself, it’s getting Emma to accept it.’
‘I think between the two of us we can manage to persuade her,’ he said.
Emma crawled out of bed where yet again she had failed to surrender to the restful sleep she had needed. Ben was already up and busily preparing for the day ahead. It was Saturday morning and by all accounts it was going to be a very special day. Emma had yet to discover what Ben had planned for her but as a whispered conversation came to an abrupt end as Emma entered the living room, she suspected that her mum did.
‘Three bags,’ Meg explained. ‘This one has all the medical supplies you could possibly need, this one has the food and this one’s got blankets and extra layers in case she gets cold.’
‘This is only a day trip, isn’t it?’ Emma asked.
Meg shrugged. ‘I’ve no idea,’ she replied.
‘Liar,’ Emma muttered.
‘Now you will let me know when you get there,’ Meg told Ben. ‘And take things easy. Don’t believe this one when she says she’s feeling fine.’
‘No more climbing up mountains,’ Ben agreed dutifully.
The sight before Emma was worthy of one of her hallucinations as Meg lifted a motherly hand to Ben’s face. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. ‘You’re a good boy,’ she said.
‘Are we ready?’ Emma asked as the first bubbles of excitement burst into life deep inside her.
‘For the time of our lives,’ he assured her.
The drive was long. Very long. They were heading north but, despite Emma’s frequent asking, Ben continued to refuse to tell her where he was taking her. She dozed through much of the journey and each time she opened her eyes, they were still following the same grey ribbon of road even though the landscape around them had changed. The manmade motorway embankments were eventually replaced by more natural peaks and valleys but it was only as the peaks became snow-capped mountains that Emma started to put the clues together.
She groaned as she shifted position and sat up straight in her seat. ‘Scotland?’ she asked.
‘Might be.’
The look Emma gave Ben was lost on him, he was too intent on the road ahead. ‘Given that we’ve already crossed the border and there’s pretty much nowhere else for this road to go, I don’t think you can quite justify a maybe,’ she answered curtly.
‘OK, it’s Scotland.’
Emma went through all the possibilities in her head, trying to match them to the dream destinations she and Ben had talked about. She stared out of the window and followed the shadows of the clouds as they slipped across the mountains, white snow glinting brightly before falling to grey. ‘Does this have anything to do with your suggestion about taking the kids to Lapland?’ she asked.
When Ben didn’t answer, Emma decided not to delve any further. It would be nice, she told herself, to wait for the surprise. But her stomach churned as their route led them away from barren landscape towards civilization once more, nausea caused by pure excitement and nerves rather than anything else. She didn’t want to even dare to hope but as they pulled up outside a large Victorian terraced house and a little face appeared at the tall picture window, Emma wanted to cry with joy.
‘We’re here,’ Ben said softly, turning off the engine and looking over to Emma for her reaction, which was exactly as he had hoped. ‘It’s all arranged and don’t worry, this isn’t some kind of forced reunion with your dad. He and Carolyn are going to make themselves scarce and we get to spend time with Olivia and Amy. We’re going to be parents for the day, Em.’
Emma intended to say, ‘OK,’ but it came out as a muffled sob.
‘I didn’t have anything spectacular in mind,’ he warned. ‘I thought maybe a trip to the park, but otherwise, I think it’s going to be a matter of keeping the girls occupied at home.’
‘Not spectacular?’ Emma asked. ‘How is this not spectacular?’
The house was warm and so welcoming that it practically shone. True to the promise made to Ben, John and Carolyn spent only as long as necessary to go through some of the more practical issues. It was midday and lunch had already been prepared for Emma and Ben to share with the girls whilst their parents planned to spend the afternoon dining out and shopping. Emma had to rely on Ben to take notice of all the various instructions, she was too busy fielding the questions her sisters bombarded her with.
‘Would you like to see my bedroom?’ Olivia asked.
‘Mine too,’ interrupted Amy.
‘Will you play house with me? You can play with my dollies,’ offered Olivia.
‘Mine too,’ Amy said, jumping up and down with excitement and oblivious to Olivia who was manoeuvring herself between Emma and her younger sibling.
Emma looked at Ben, tears already glistening in her eyes. ‘You go,’ he said, ‘I’ll be up in a minute.’
When Ben arrived in Olivia’s bedroom, all three of his girls were sitting on the floor surrounded by a mountain of toys. They all looked up expectantly at him. ‘Now, ladies,’ he began. ‘I think it’s time we all had something to eat.’
‘Play first,’ pouted Amy.
‘We can eat later,’ agreed Olivia.
Ben looked towards Emma for support but she was torn between siding with her girls or with her husband. ‘I tell you what,’ she said, applying the art of compromise. ‘Why don’t we have a picnic?’
‘Can we?’ screamed the girls, jumping up and dancing around the room.
Ben looked out of the window. The weather was clear but the temperature barely above freezing.
‘We can have a picnic in the house,’ Emma explained, to counter his puzzled look.
‘Yes,’ the girls screamed again.
‘And then we can all walk off our lunch with a trip to the park,’ offered Ben and, this time, he had the presence of mind to cover his ears before the screams of excitement could pierce his eardrums.
There had been moments that Emma wanted to preserve and then there were whole days and this was most definitely turning into one of them. When John and Carolyn arrived back home in the early evening, Emma and Ben were on the last leg of their journey through parenthood and had crashed out on the sofa, each with a sleeping child sprawled over them and a pile of storybooks lying close by. The children weren’t the only ones sleeping.
John nudged Emma’s shoulder to wake her as gently as he could. ‘Have you had a good day?’ he asked.
‘The best,’ she said, groggily trying to loosen her joints without disturbing Olivia who had her head nestled into Emma’s neck.
Ben’s groans matched Emma’s as he tried to shuffle off the sofa with Amy in his arms. ‘I’ll take her up,’ he said as Carolyn helped him to his feet. As they disappeared upstairs, John made a move to take Olivia from Emma’s arms. Emma instinctively tightened her grip on the sleeping child.
She was unwilling to let go of the dream. She was holding Rose in her arms and didn’t want to give her back. Her fingers weren’t stroking the keys of an unforgiving keyboard; they were touching r
eal flesh and blood.
John didn’t insist, choosing instead to sit down next to his daughters. ‘You and Ben make a perfect couple,’ he said. ‘And you would have made such wonderful parents.’
Emma noted his use of the past tense, it was something that most people struggled with and she was grateful for his honesty. ‘Yes, I think you’re right,’ she said, relaxing her grip on Olivia. ‘Considering how new it was to us, we coped pretty well, and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I suppose Ben’s told you about the book I’m writing?’
John nodded.
‘The real thing is so much better,’ she said. ‘How did it take you so long to realize that?’
‘Ah, indeed,’ John said, trying to sound light-hearted. ‘I ask myself that often.’
Emma rested her head on Olivia’s and her damp hair tickled her cheek. She could feel the little girl’s steady breath warming the skin on her neck and it sent a shiver down her spine. She felt an overwhelming desire to protect her above anything else. ‘Don’t you think it’s strange that my most vivid childhood memories are of you? Why on earth would I covet the memories of the one parent who let me down so badly?’
‘I get the feeling you know the answer. Tell me,’ her dad said, surprising Emma with his obviously genuine need to know.
‘It was such a rare event to have your attention,’ Emma explained. ‘Those times were so precious, from a child’s perspective at least, but now I see things differently. While I was busy worshipping you, I barely noticed Mum, and she was the one person who was there every single day of my life, willing to give everything of herself for her daughters and never expecting anything in return, not even recognition for what she was doing.’
‘I’m sure she knows how much you appreciate her,’ John assured her.
Emma shook her head. ‘No, how could she? Even I didn’t know how much I should appreciate her until now. Only now do I know that you don’t have to take a starring role to be the best parent; in fact, you should be the opposite.’ Emma looked towards her dad. She needed some sign from him that he understood what she was trying to say, because she didn’t think she could hand Olivia over to him without it. The silent tears trailing down his face confirmed that he did. ‘So, if you want some advice and if you want to be the best father you possibly can to this beautiful little girl, then be invisible, Dad. Be there for her, be a constant in her life and not a rare event.’
‘I will,’ he said. ‘You have my promise.’
Emma and Ben drove through the Scottish wilderness in stunned silence. The world outside transformed into an impenetrable darkness as they put more distance between themselves and the city. All Emma could see was her own reflection in the passenger window, and for the first time in a long time, the reflection didn’t scare her. She could see what she already felt, a sense of fulfilment that she had once thought unobtainable.
‘Did I do well?’ Ben asked when he noticed that she still hadn’t succumbed to sleep.
‘Yes,’ Emma told him. She wanted to say more but words failed her. Thankfully, Ben didn’t need further proof. He had been as intent on watching her as he had been watching Olivia and Amy. He already knew he had done exceptionally well.
‘I thought you would have dropped off to sleep as soon as we left Edinburgh.’
Emma was undeniably tired and she knew she needed to sleep but her mind was busily trying to retain every single detail of the day she’d had. ‘I’ll try,’ she said, slouching down a little further in her seat.
There was an indistinct line between her conscious mind adding new layers to her alternate life and the unconscious creation of dreams over which she had no control. On this occasion it seemed not to matter as both conjured up idyllic scenes of family life, but inevitably the dream had to end and she woke with a start. The car had come to a stop and when she turned towards Ben, he wasn’t there. There was no time to panic as he appeared at the passenger window, a camera around his neck. He opened her door and crouched down next to her.
Still confused, Emma glanced over his shoulder to be met by the same inky blackness that had surrounded them earlier. ‘Where are we?’ she asked, rubbing away the sleep from her eyes and the remnants of her dreams along with it.
‘I need you to get out of the car,’ Ben told her. His voice sounded almost reverent. She released her seatbelt and he took her hand as she struggled out of her seat.
She could vaguely make out the silhouettes of mountains ahead of her, a ghostly impression of the snowy caps that seemed to float in midair. As her eyes became accustomed to the darkness, she felt unsettled. There was a quality to the night sky that didn’t feel right. ‘Is something wrong?’ Emma asked, the chill in the air giving her the final shock to the system to make her fully alert.
‘No, not at all,’ Ben said, but his words were charged with emotion, which did little to dispel Emma’s growing anxiety. He put his hands firmly on her shoulders. ‘I need you to close your eyes.’
Emma gave a laugh, a nervous reaction to the building tension, but she did as she was bid. She allowed Ben to manoeuvre her towards the front of the car and then turn her around so that she was facing the opposite direction. ‘Keep them closed,’ Ben reminded her as he let her go.
She heard the crunch of stones underfoot as he stepped away and then his coat sleeves rustling. She suspected he had lifted up his camera but for the life of her she still couldn’t think why.
‘Wait,’ he said again.
Emma kept her eyes tightly closed but then something magical happened. There was a flutter of light over her closed eyelids and she was already opening her eyes instinctively when Ben told her she could look. Her attention was drawn not to Ben but to the skies. There was a click of the camera to commit the moment to eternity.
It took perhaps two seconds for the sob to escape and for the tears to blur Emma’s vision but she wiped them away furiously, intent on keeping the view perfectly in her sights. ‘The Northern Lights,’ she gasped. ‘How the hell did you do that?’
Ben stepped closer and then stood behind her, his arms wrapped around her waist so they could watch together. Swathes of colour rippled across the sky, undulating ribbons of light on a cosmic scale that slipped from view behind the rugged landscape. ‘I wish I could take credit for this but it wasn’t part of the plan.’
They stood in silence and watched the sky continue with its incredible lightshow. ‘It was on the list,’ Emma said, almost to herself, ‘but I could never have imagined it would be like this. I couldn’t have described this without seeing it for myself, Ben. This is living it. The whole day has been living it.’
‘In that case, do you think you could stand a little more real-life experience?’
‘There’s more?’
When Ben refused to reply, she reluctantly tore her eyes away from the lights that were still sweeping the sky and turned to face him.
‘I love you, Emma, with all my heart and soul and if I could create a million days for you like this one, I would,’ he said, taking her hand. ‘I know I can’t make all your dreams come true but there is one thing I can make happen.’
‘And what would that be?’ Emma asked, daring not to hope.
As Ben knelt down before her, she could feel the darkness around her falling away. The light grew as if the Northern Lights had been on a dimmer switch and had suddenly been set to full power.
‘Emma, will you marry me?’ Ben asked, looking up towards her, icy determination in his eyes.
‘Yes,’ Emma replied, almost choking on that single word as Ben stood up and kissed her.
The children were growing up so fast and as much as I wanted time to stand still, I also wanted to see them grow. I wanted to know what they would make of the world once my little fledglings flew the nest. But there was still time to enjoy one particular joy of childhood. Rose was nine and Charlie seven and I guessed it would be the last year that at least one of my children believed in Father Christmas.
‘I want a white Ch
ristmas,’ I told Ben. ‘Nothing else will do.’
‘We might get snow on higher ground but I don’t think we’ll see any here.’
‘Then you’re going to have to climb a mountain and bring it back so we can make snowmen.’
‘OK, I give in.’
‘Give in to what?’ I asked, my face a picture of innocence.
‘We can close up shop and go to Lapland.’
‘Thank you, I never thought you’d give in!’ I said, opening a draw where I’d hidden the travel details for the trip I had already booked.
Ben opened his mouth to speak but words failed him.
‘We’re here!’ squealed Rose, pulling at her dad’s hand as we stood in thick snow outside Santa’s Lapland home. There were twinkling lights all around us, reflecting off the white landscape that gave the lodge an ethereal glow. Above us, the jet-black sky only served to enhance the sparkle of a thousand stars.
‘How about taking Charlie in to see Santa, Rose?’ I asked, looking down at my daughter who had wrapped her arms tightly around my waist. Her whole body trembled and I wondered if she had resurrected her belief in Father Christmas or more likely, she was simply terrified at the thought of going into a hut to meet a man who made a living from dressing up in a silly red suit and persuading children to sit on his knee.
Though I was encouraging her, part of me didn’t want to let her go and my heart wrenched when she pulled away. I could only hope that Santa would live up to my expectations.
I watched them disappear inside the lodge with my heart torn.
Ben pulled me towards him and wrapped me in his arms. ‘They know where we are if they need us,’ he reassured me.
Before I could answer, his body froze and I looked up into his face to see a shimmer of light reflected across his eyes. It was as if he could see heaven’s gates in the skies behind me. ‘You’re not going to believe this,’ he said.
Emma’s neck and back pain showed no signs of letting up, but even when she left the treatment room crying in pain after one particular radiotherapy session during her fourth week, she insisted that she could continue to brave it through. It was Meg who wasn’t prepared to let her suffering continue unchecked. Emma’s next scan wasn’t scheduled to take place until a month after treatment – it would only be then that the effectiveness of the radiotherapy could be properly measured – but with a little persistent persuasion, Mr Spelling arranged a CT scan for the following week.
Another Way to Fall Page 26