“Bella went to sleep a couple hours ago. She’s okay. A little worried, I guess. She’s a smart kid. She knows something isn’t right.”
I nodded.
Rein stepped in close to me and pinched the hem of my shirt between her thumb and forefinger. She wouldn’t look up at me as she spoke. I was happy for it. Looking her in the eye might make me unravel. “I wish you didn’t have to go through this,” she whispered. “Either of you.”
I stood before her with an ache forming in my chest.
She looked up at me and gave me a warm smile, a smile that lifted the weight from my chest. “Come on. You must be tired. Let’s go lie down.”
She still held the hem of my shirt between her fingers, and she used it to pull me along behind her through the living room and into her bedroom. She went to the bed and pulled the blankets down, revealing an inviting space filled with fluffy pillows. She crawled into her side and patted the empty space beside her.
“Come on. Lay down with me.”
I sat down on the edge of the bed. Every action took so much effort. Rein shimmied up behind me and traced her hands up my back and over my shoulders. She rested her chin on my right shoulder. The warmth of her cheek on my neck was pleasant.
“Will you be able to sleep?” she asked.
“Maybe.”
“Then lie down, Brayden. You’ve been sitting and thinking for hours. You need to rest.” Her hands gently pulled me down, and as soon as my shoulder blades settled into the mattress, the fatigue washed over me in a wave. I sighed as Rein pressed into my side and hooked her leg over mine. She began tracing figure eights on my chest. “Can I tell you something?”
“Sure,” I said as my eyes fell closed of their own volition.
“She was happy,” Rein whispered. “When I went in to talk to her while you were in the kitchen, she told me. She was truly happy. Having you and Bella in her home spared her a loneliness she thought she would have to face. And she forgave you for everything.”
I rested a hand over hers to still her pattern tracing. “She might have. But I don’t. I can’t.”
“After some time passes and the hurt isn’t as bad, you will. I know it sounds untrue, but trust me, you will. And Bella will know she was lucky to have been here when she gets older. Now your mother gets to live on in her granddaughter’s memories. You did everything right, Brayden.”
I didn’t deserve her reassurance. I didn’t deserve her love, either, and I knew that was what this was.
When my eyes started to burn, I lifted a shaking hand to them. If I lost control now, I feared I might never get it back. I had been so good at keeping everything at bay over the years. I’d had no choice. Losing the mother of my child had done a number on me, and I never wanted to feel that kind of grief again. I never wanted to feel alone again.
In time, as Bella got older, it became easier. My little girl banished the bitterness in my heart and filled me with joy, and I knew she was the only reason I had been able to keep going. She was the reason for everything, and she would be what got me through my mother’s death.
“Thank you for staying with Bella,” I said. “I didn’t want her to see.”
“Of course.”
“Do you think she knows?”
Rein shifted around to look up at me and rested her chin on her chest. She hesitated before answering as she considered my question. “Yes, I think she does.”
The burn in my eyes intensified. I rubbed at them with my fingers and took a deep breath. “What do I do now, Rein?”
A single tear escaped and rolled from the corner of my eye into my hairline. She leaned up and kissed my jaw.
“Right now?” she asked softly. “You sleep. You sleep, and when you wake up, you and I can figure this all out together. I can be with you when you tell Bella if you want. Or I can give you space. Just tell me what you need and when you need it, and I will give it to you. But for now, just sleep.”
“Sleep,” I murmured.
She nodded against my chest, her chin digging into my ribs. Her hand resumed tracing patterns across my chest, and I listened to her breathe as I tried to still the raging thoughts racing through my head.
She was right. Everything could wait. For now, I needed to rest. When I woke in the morning, I would need to have a difficult conversation with my daughter, and it would be hard enough, even before factoring in my lack of sleep.
I would just have to take everything in stride like I did before. It was the only way to come out the other side in one piece.
Chapter 24
Rein
When I woke in the morning, my head felt thick and fuzzy. It was because of the crying, I knew. After Brayden had fallen asleep, which surprisingly hadn’t taken long, I’d broken down and slipped out of bed to cry in the bathroom where I wouldn’t risk him waking up and hearing me. It wouldn’t help him to see me grieving.
Arlene was a special person, and she deserved far better than to die a slow painful death. I cried for her and the loss of a friend I wished I had spent more time with, and I also cried for Brayden. My heart was breaking for him. I hated the position he was in. I hated the burden that he was going to have to carry for the next little while. Or forever. I knew the kind of man he was. This was something that would likely plague him forever.
I cried for Bella, too. She had just lost her grandmother. Now Brayden was going to have to sit her down and tell her. I didn’t envy him for that. I wished there was something I could do to make it easier for both of them, but the only thing capable of that was time.
All I could offer in the meantime was my company and maybe my cooking. If he’d have it.
I rolled over to face Brayden and found that I was alone.
I sat up, pulling the covers with me, and I strained my ears to listen for him in the bathroom out in the hall. The house was silent. I yawned and stretched before swinging my legs over the bed, finding my slippers to protect my feet from the cold floor, and making my way out into the living room.
I found him on the sofa curled up on his side with Bella wrapped up in his arms.
I stood behind them and peered down into their peaceful sleeping faces. My heart swelled, and I knew right then and there that he would be okay. In time, they would both be okay.
She was snuggled up tight against him, and her cheek was smooshed against his elbow. A little bit of drool had leaked out of the corner of her mouth to pool on his skin, and her dark hair was in his face. Her little fingers were wrapped around his thumb, which looked huge in contrast to her tiny digits.
One thing was for certain: Brayden was a wonderful father.
I left them to sleep longer on the couch, and I rummaged through my fridge, hopeful that there would be something in there I could use to whip up some breakfast for everyone. I gathered everything together to make some eggs and toast, and I set to work. I brewed a pot of coffee, and as I was pouring the eggs into the pan, I heard Bella and Brayden stirring in the living room. They spoke softly to one another as their footsteps announced their arrival in the kitchen.
“Morning,” I said without looking up from my pan. “I hope you guys are hungry. I’m cooking up a feast.”
“It smells good,” Brayden said. His voice was deep with sleep and a bit raspy.
“There’s coffee in the pot.” I nodded my chin to where he could pour himself a cup, and he went about filling a mug. “I have orange juice, Bella. Would you like a glass?”
“Yes, please,” Bella said sleepily as she slid into one of the chairs around my kitchen table.
“I’ll get it,” Brayden said, grabbing a cup from my cupboard and pouring it halfway full with juice. He brought it to Bella who sipped on it, puckering her lips at the first sour mouthful.
“Did you two sleep okay?” I asked.
Brayden nodded and leaned against the counter beside me. He wrapped his hands around his coffee mug. “Better than expected. That’s for sure.”
“Good. Do either of you want toast with you
r eggs?”
I put down a piece of bread for each of us in the toaster, and a couple minutes later, we were all sitting at the table digging into our meal of scrambled eggs and toast. I had added some onions, peppers, and cheese to the eggs, and Bella loved them. Brayden ate like it was a chore, rather than something he enjoyed, which I imagined I would be doing too if I had just lost my mother.
I didn’t say anything when I collected our plates. Brayden’s was only half eaten. I scooped it into the garbage can and piled everything into the dishwasher. I kicked it closed with my heel and went back to the table where Bella was finishing up her juice.
“When do we go back to see Grandma?” Bella asked, looking up from her juice.
I looked at Brayden, who stared calmly back at his daughter. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in the room for this conversation. I decided that if he didn’t dismiss me, I would stay. He might need the support, and it would be selfish of me to leave just because I was uncomfortable.
Brayden reached out and took Bella’s tiny hand. “We’re not going to be able to see Grandma anymore, kiddo. Last night was our last night with her.”
Bella processed his words and tried to piece them together. Her forehead creased as she thought it out, and Brayden waited patiently for her next question. “Did she leave?”
“In a way, yes.”
“Did she go where Mommy went?” Bella didn’t falter when she asked the question. She was calm, poised even, like she understood that life ended as suddenly as it began.
“Yes,” Brayden said.
I chewed the inside of my cheek to distract myself from the conversation and the sadness welling up inside me. She was only a child, and she had already faced so much loss.
“I didn’t get to say goodbye,” Bella said.
“I told her for you, kiddo.”
I stared at Brayden. Was he saying this just to make his daughter feel better, or had he actually said goodbye to his mother on Bella’s behalf? I wouldn’t put it past him. He had learned the hard way how crucial it was to say what needed to be said before time was cut short.
“You did?” Bella asked, a hint of hope touching her voice.
Brayden nodded. “I did. And she said goodbye, too. She loved you with all her heart. She was very happy that she was able to spend so much time with you.”
Bella smiled. “Me too.”
Brayden rubbed the back of her hand then leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “She’s still with us and always will be. When you miss her, we’ll talk about her, okay? That’s the only way to keep her close.”
“Okay.” Bella slid off her chair and went to Brayden. She held her arms out to him, and he picked her up and put her in his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he held her to him in a long hug. He buried his face in her shoulder, and I prayed that when they parted, he wouldn’t be crying.
I didn’t think I could bear that.
When they did pull apart, he held Bella in front of him and studied her. I supposed he was making sure she really was alright. There were no tears in his eyes, but his jaw was tight. I could see the wall he was putting up. I could see the way he was guarding himself from his own emotions.
“I love you, Daddy,” Bella said.
“I love you too, kiddo.”
They hugged one more time, and then he put her down.
Bella walked around the back of his chair and came to stand beside me. Then she opened her arms to me the same way she had to her father. I looked up at Brayden. He gave me a tiny smile—a smile that I knew was forced—and nodded.
I picked her up like he had and put her in my lap. She hugged me tightly and didn’t let go for at least a minute. I hugged her back and didn’t let go until she pulled away. Then she got off my lap and excused herself to go to the washroom.
Brayden and I sat quietly together for several minutes. Neither of us wanted to be the one to start speaking.
“Thanks again for everything,” Brayden finally said. “This would be impossible without you.”
“You would have managed.”
“I doubt it.”
“Trust me, you would have. But I’m glad I can be here for you. No one should have to go through this alone. You’re lucky to have Bella, too. She’s an angel.”
“I know,” he said softly. “Can you watch her today? I want to make the funeral arrangements. I want to get this all over with as soon as I can, for her sake.”
“I get it. I can watch her.”
“Thank you doesn’t even cover it anymore.”
I smiled. “Sure it does. It always will.”
I set Brayden up in my bathroom with a fresh towel and managed to find an unopened toothbrush at the very back of one of my drawers. I gave him his privacy, and he remained locked in the bathroom for nearly forty-five minutes. The solitude was probably doing him well. He was about to head out and do one of the hardest things he would ever have to do, and if he needed time alone to prepare himself for that, I more than understood.
While I listened to the shower running, I joined Bella in the living room. She was sitting on my couch and had figured out how to work my television. I plopped down beside her and tucked my legs under myself.
“Looks like it’s just me and you today,” I said as cheerfully as I could manage.
Bella nodded.
She didn’t speak to me for a while. After Brayden got out of the shower, she followed him around the house until he was ready to leave. She said goodbye at the door, and I didn’t intrude on the moment. I stayed on the couch and waited for her to come back.
When she did, it was with heavy footsteps and slumped shoulders. She climbed up onto the couch beside me and stared at her feet instead of the TV, which was playing silly cartoons.
“If you want to talk about anything, we can,” I said. I didn’t want to push her. She was so young, and I was afraid she might shatter, and I wouldn’t be able to put her broken pieces back together before her father came home. He was trusting me to handle this.
Bella looked over at me. She looked terribly sad, but she wasn’t crying.
“Daddy misses Grandma,” she said.
I blinked and stammered until I found my words. “Yes. He does. He loved her very much.”
“I wish he wasn’t sad.”
I shimmied across the sofa cushions so that I was snuggled up beside her, and I wrapped my arm around her. She leaned into me with a heavy sigh—a sigh that sounded far too wise to come out of a four-year-old girl.
“I wish he wasn’t sad, too.” I rubbed her shoulder. “But it won’t last forever. I promise.”
When she looked up at me, she had tears in her eyes, and my heart crumbled. She blinked a couple times, pushing the tears down her cheeks. When she spoke, her voice trembled, but she somehow remained calm. “I don’t want to lose you like we lost Grandma.”
My mind spun a mile a minute as I digested her words. “You won’t, Bella. Everything is going to be okay. I will always be here for you, no matter what. Even if you can’t see me, you can call me anytime. I will always be there to talk to you.”
She nodded once. “Okay.”
I squeezed her shoulder and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I don’t want to lose you, either.”
Chapter 25
Brayden
Valdez Cemetery was a lovely place, and on the day I buried my mother, the snow had melted away almost entirely and the sun shone high in the sky. Everyone in attendance was still bundled up against the chill, but the sunshine on our faces as the casket was lowered into the ground was almost a reminder that things would be all right; that they would get better.
At least, that was what I tried to convince myself.
Some of the guests told me that it was my mother looking down on me and Bella. They said she was watching us, and she was with us, and she was shining her love down on us.
I wanted to believe them, but try as I might, I only heard them as hollow words that meant nothing. It was just the weather
. There was no divine intervention involved, just luck, and that was exactly what my mother would have said if she had been able to attend her own service.
Well, what do you know? The sun is shining. That was probably what she would have said.
Getting through the eulogy I wrote was difficult, but I needed to say the words I had written on the page the night before. I needed to share my memories of my mother with her friends who were listening. Friends who hadn’t seen her when she was at her sickest; friends who had been spared that memory.
Bella sat with Rein in the front pew, and I knew I wouldn’t have been able to get through the eulogy without the two of them there. Rein held herself together like a champion and offered me a reassuring smile every time I looked her way. Bella did the same. I suppose a four-year-old can only grasp so much, and a funeral service and the act of burying someone seemed to be lost on her.
I was thankful for that.
After the casket was lowered, people started heading back to their cars at the gate to the cemetery. I lingered, with Bella and Rein at my side, as people stopped to offer me their condolences. Some of the last to leave were Emmett and Gracie, who drew up in front of me with sad smiles.
“It was a lovely service,” Gracie said. It was the sort of thing someone said when they couldn’t think of anything else. When they felt bad and wanted to make you feel better but didn’t want to make you think of how shitty things were.
“Thank you,” I said.
“Arlene would have given you shit for it. She would have thought it was too much.” Emmett chuckled and slid his hands into his pockets.
This made me smile. “You’re right. She would’ve had my head.”
Emmett glanced over at the grave that would soon be filled in. It was surrounded by white roses, my mother’s favorite. “Secretly, she would have loved it. Would have told her friends how wonderful you were while telling you how unnecessary it all was.”
“Sounds about right,” I said.
“You’ll let us know if you need anything?” Gracie asked.
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