To Live Again (Learning to live again, #1)

by Dori Lavelle

  "It's time to set up!" Frank called out. "The ingredients are just enough for the dishes you're preparing today, so try not to waste anything. You may start."

  The next two and a half hours were a flurry of activity. Frank roamed around the kitchen presiding over his pupils.

  Kelsey felt like a surfer riding the waves, and nothing could slow down the adrenaline coursing through her as she chopped, sliced, strained, whisked, and deglazed, all at a furious pace.

  When she drove home at the end of the day, every cell in her body screamed with exhaustion. But that was a good thing.

  For the one month Shaun was away, Kelsey kept herself busy with her classes, but when she had nothing to do, she found herself sitting by the phone, willing it to ring. But it refused. Sometimes she went to bed panicking that he wouldn't return to Dreara.

  She surprised herself with how much she missed talking to him and having him next door. If she hadn't been sure before, she was certain now that she wanted him, and she didn't care if she got hurt in the end. One night with him would be worth it. She promised herself that when he returned, she would give him a chance, and deal with the consequences later. Naturally, Delia was thrilled for her, as was Maeve.

  Hopefully Shaun wouldn't change his mind during his time away.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Dreara at Christmas was like a scene from a fairytale. The chimneys smoked, the houses shone with twinkling lights, bright smiles lit up residents' faces, and the smell of cinnamon and chocolate hung in the air.

  Brian, wearing a sweater with Rudolph splashed across its front, opened the door for Kelsey and kissed her on the cheek.

  Kelsey had played with the idea of just showing up at home in Saulery for Christmas, but the pill she was sure to be handed afterward might be too bitter to swallow. She still hadn't spoken with her father, who continued to refuse to take or return her calls.

  The cottage brimmed with laughter and Christmas carols. At least twenty people were present at Brian and Sarah's party, filling every corner of the small house.

  As usual, Maeve stood out from the rest of the crowd. She wore a turquoise figure-hugging dress with snow-white fur trimming the collar and hem. Kelsey hugged her, but was quickly whisked away by Sarah.

  Together they weaved through the guests and followed the delicious aromas of cinnamon, baked bread, and chocolate, to the kitchen, where a glass of punch was pressed into Kelsey's hand. On her way out, she walked past a long table covered with finger foods. She picked up a cheese canapé and popped it into her mouth.

  Then she spotted Shaun on the other side of the room, conversing with a tall, gaunt man. He wore a long-sleeved shirt the same pale gray color as his eyes. She hadn't even known he was back in town.

  Kelsey watched him, her heart thumping so hard she feared she might pass out. Maeve strutted past her and whispered something into her ear. Kelsey failed to hear it but she knew it had something to do with Shaun.

  Shaun met her eyes and started walking in her direction.

  "Hi," he said, his mouth close to her ear, so she could hear him over the sound of the music. His warm voice sent pleasant shivers down her spine.

  "Hi, you're back." Kelsey bit her lower lip.

  Just then, Brian waved Shaun over for a chat.

  Shaun touched Kelsey's arm, scattering goose bumps across her skin. "I'll be right back, Kelsey. Can we talk later?"

  Kelsey nodded and exhaled as he walked away. She couldn't wait to tell him what she had decided.

  After dinner, when everyone was engrossed in games and conversations, Kelsey slipped away into a room Sarah had decorated in pinks and whites for the children her daughter never wanted to have.

  She stepped closer to the window and gazed out into the night without switching on the lights. The twinkling bulbs outside lit the garden up just right.

  Everything around her was so beautiful, and yet she had a painful knot in the pit of her stomach. Since their greeting, Shaun had not made any more moves to talk to her. He chatted with everyone else and threw occasional glances her way, but stayed away. Had he changed his mind after all?

  As she exhaled a long stream of air, another pair of eyes joined hers in the windowpane. Shaun's.

  He closed the distance between them, but she didn't turn. Heat radiated from his body and spread through hers.

  He studied her intently and then moved closer until his breath warmed her neck. Kelsey shivered when his hands slid down her arms until he was holding her hands tightly in his.

  "I missed you." His voice was tender, almost a murmur.

  She turned to face him. When his gaze met hers, she blinked and smiled.

  Shaun cupped her chin in his warm hand. "Shall we leave this place?"

  She nodded, and a minute later he'd gotten her out of the house unnoticed. As they strolled toward Edgeway Street, neither of them spoke. There were no words for what was happening between them.

  "Thanks for walking me home," Kelsey said once they were in front of her door. She didn't want to jump to conclusions just yet, but she also didn't want to let him go. What woman would let a man like Shaun slip through their fingers? Would it hurt to feel good for one night, to feel desired? She was ready to let her hair down for the night. She had been imagining him in her bed for far too long.

  "I should... I better go." Shaun pushed his hands into his pockets.

  "You... you won't come in?" Her heart deflated. "We can... you know..."

  He smiled and his teeth gleamed in the moonlight. "For a moment there I thought you wouldn't ask." He pulled his hands out of his pockets and placed them on either side of her, gazed into her eyes as if he wanted to dive into them. "Are you sure you want this to happen?"

  "I think..." Kelsey felt like a teenager about to have her first kiss. Her heart was banging inside of her, her throat was tight, and her mouth dry. "Yes, I'm sure." Her body was certainly sure; her heart on the other hand, was still determined on playing hard to get.

  He bit the bottom of his lip and squinted. He looked so sexy she wanted to throw herself into his arms, to nibble and taste his velvet lips.

  "You do know what this means, right?" He tipped her chin upward so she was gazing into his face, his hot breath fanning her skin. "You should understand, I don't do relationships. I don't do—"

  "Love?" She finished for him, and that single, beautiful word shattered between them. She wished she could penetrate his heart to change his mind. But he was laying his cards on the table and being honest. She had to appreciate that. Right now she didn't care. She had swum too deep into him to want to resurface. She would remain under his spell for a while longer, get what she could, and think later. Now that they had gotten so close, spending even a minute without him would be unbearable. If in the morning she realized she had made a mistake, she'd find a way to deal with it. Tonight, she needed to be wanted. She wanted his hands on her body so bad it hurt. And if one night was all they had, at least she'd have a memory to keep. "It's fine, I don't mind," she said in a whisper.

  He placed a hand on her hip and tugged her to him. "No promises? No strings attached, just... sex?"

  Kelsey swallowed the lump in her throat. "If that's all you're offering. I'll... I'll take it."

  He blinked once and then reached for her hand. She thought he was going to hold it again, but instead he removed the keys from her sweaty grasp. Then he opened the door and stepped aside to allow her to enter her own place like a visitor.

  Now that they were inside and Kelsey knew what was about to happen, she was extremely nervous. She removed her boots and coat and placed them by the door. "Can I offer you tea or coffee? Or something else... juice maybe?" While he closed the door, she entered the kitchen and opened the fridge. "I have orange juice..."

  The fridge door slammed shut and she was spun around so fast she lost her breath. With her back against the cool door, she parted her lips, but closed them again.

  "I want something. Juice is not it." He pressed his rock-hard
body against hers so that even through his jeans she felt his erection. He ran his hands to her back and glided them downward until they reached the curve of her butt. He squeezed and pulled her even closer. "I meant it when I said I've wanted to make love to you since the first day I saw you. Each time I looked at you, I wanted to have you."

  "Why didn't you?" Kelsey asked breathlessly.

  He chuckled as he nibbled her ear, his stubble grazing her cheek, sending shivers across her skin. "You seem so perfect." He nipped at her ear again and his ragged breathing deepened. "I didn't want to corrupt you."

  Kelsey threw back her head and pursed her lips to stifle a moan. She breathed in and whispered into his ear. "What if you're wrong? What if I'm already corrupted?"

  Shaun lowered his hands to the hem of her jersey dress and lifted it until his warm masculine hands came into contact with her body, her pantyhose the only thing between them and her skin. His mouth was still pressed to her ear. "How many places outside the bedroom have you had sex, Kelsey?"

  Heat crept into Kelsey's cheeks. "Well..."

  "I thought so. Let me change that." Shaun spun her around again so her cheek was pressed against the cold surface of the fridge. He kissed her neck as his fingers drifted to her waist and slipped into the waistband of her pantyhose. Taking his time, he pulled them down, lowering himself as the fragile material glided along her sensitive skin. Once both he and the pantyhose reached her ankles, she lifted one leg and then the other to step out of them. Shaun didn't straighten up immediately. He kissed the backs of her knees, and ran his palms along her calves, like a sculptor inspecting his handiwork.

  Kelsey bit her lip as a strong current of desire swept through her body. She wanted to beg him to come up, to kiss her, to take her right now. Her body ached to be made love to, as if she had been waiting months, or even years, for him to pleasure her.

  He finally straightened up and again dipped his hands under her dress, his hot palms taking their time exploring her waist and hips.

  Kelsey trembled. Just his touch was enough to drive her crazy. She wanted more, so she joined his hands under her dress, and slipped a finger into the thin elastic of her panties, ready to remove them.

  Shaun grasped her hand firmly and removed it, then laid her palm back on the fridge. "I've got this. And I'll do it my way," he said in a hoarse whisper. "Don't move."

  With her hands flat on the cool fridge, Kelsey listened to Shaun rummaging through drawers. Even if she wanted to turn around, her legs were too weak to move.

  Then he was standing behind her again. He lifted her dress and something cool came into contact with her skin. She flinched as she heard a snip and then another, one on each side of her hips.

  "What are you doing?" She giggled, getting her answer immediately when he pushed her legs a few inches apart with his knee. Her panties slid past her thighs and she dropped her gaze in time to see them drop at her feet. The longing between her legs warmed her body. Oh God, this was so hot. He was so hot.

  "Just getting rid of distractions." He turned her to face him. "I did promise to corrupt you." Gazing into her eyes, he lifted her off her feet and pushed her against the fridge; she wrapped her legs around his waist. He held her firmly with one arm and with a finger of the other hand, he dipped a finger into Kelsey and she gasped loudly.

  "How does that feel?" he whispered against her cheek, thrusting his finger in and out of her slowly and sweetly.

  Kelsey trembled and gripped his arms, her nails digging deep into his flesh when an electric current zapped through her. "Good, oh, God."

  He pushed a second finger into her, so deep it hurt... beautifully. "Can I have you? I want you to be mine." Shaun kissed her neck and then flicked it with his tongue. "All mine."

  Kelsey clawed at his back. He made her feel better than any man ever had. "I thought you said... you said..."

  She closed her eyes and saw heaven.

  "What did I say, Kelsey?" He pulled his fingers out of her, leaving emptiness there. Then he lowered her to the ground and unzipped his jeans, his eyes boring into hers.

  Kelsey leaned against the fridge for support and tried to catch her breath. "You said you don't want a relationship." She broke eye contact and her gaze drifted to the bulge breaking free from his pants as he lowered them along with his boxer shorts.

  "I don't." Like a man on a mission, Shaun removed all his clothes, then reached for her and pulled her dress over her head. "But I want you to be mine for the night." He unhooked her bra and gathered her into his arms again.

  Her nipples hardened when they came into contact with the hairs on his chest. And she was still throbbing between her legs.

  "Okay," Kelsey said, and before any more words could exit her mouth, he kissed her hard, crushing her lips, and exploring her mouth with his tongue—probing, teasing, nibbling. Kelsey allowed him to have her, to taste her, to make her dizzy. Like him, tonight she would pretend he was hers.

  Still kissing her, Shaun moved her to the kitchen table and lay her down. Then he picked up his jeans and removed a condom. He ripped it open as he returned to the table, and positioned himself between her legs, sliding it on within seconds.

  "Ready?" he asked, grabbing hold of her legs and sliding her toward him.

  Kelsey blinked in answer. Stop talking and take me already, she screamed inside her head.

  But he took his time. He lowered himself on top of her and kissed her again, while his hands explored her naked body. They were so hot against her skin. He moved his mouth from hers to the hollow of her neck, inhaling deeply before moving lower and flicking each of her nipples with his tongue. In response, they became even harder, and more tender. Shaun enveloped one with his mouth, sending endless waves of pleasure through her. He sucked on it, and tugged gently as if it were a cherry ripe for picking.

  Kelsey arched her back and moaned when a ripple of ecstasy spiraled from her nipple, down her stomach, and came to rest between her legs. She couldn't bear it any longer. A few more seconds of him not being inside her and she would burst. She wanted to shout out in frustration.

  "Fuck me," she said. "I want you inside me." That was a lie. She didn't want him; she needed him. She'd trade her next breath to feel him inside her.

  He lifted his head and grinned. "Don't worry, Kelsey. I'll fuck you. But I'll take my time. I want to taste you first." He moved on to the other nipple and sucked it so hard she squealed.

  His tongue moved down her stomach, and he kissed her bellybutton.

  Kelsey started breathing hard as he moved lower, lower, lower. Then something firm and soft pushed itself into her, and she closed her eyes and arched her back.

  Shaun pushed and removed his tongue from her in the same rhythmic motion he had used with his fingers. He pushed it in deeper and Kelsey clutched his thick hair between her fists, pushing him even further into her. He stopped and sucked on her clit, then slid all the way back up her body.

  He moved his face close to her ear. "Open your eyes, Kelsey. I want you to look at me when I fuck you."

  Kelsey did as she was told.

  Shaun's eyes darkened to the color of the sky before a thunderstorm. He slipped one of his hands under the nape of her neck, holding her firmly, and with the other he reached down.

  Any moment now it would happen. She would have sex with Shaun, and she was ready.

  Still gazing into her eyes, he took a deep breath and pierced her, tearing her apart, unraveling her, shattering any remnants of the doubts she might still have had. He plunged in again and pressed himself hard into her, grinding from side to side as though he was trying to make himself fit inside, despite having already filled her completely.

  With each movement, a million stars burst before Kelsey's eyes.

  Grunting, Shaun gripped her shoulder and slammed into her harder, deeper, faster, until she almost forgot how to breathe.

  When he slowed down, Kelsey found her breath and wrapped her legs tighter around him, pulling him deeper. She wanted to
get as much out of the night as she could. She would take as much of him as she had the right to.

  Shaun buried his face in the side of her neck and whispered between his heavy breathing, "hold on tight."

  Kelsey held on to his solid arms and braced herself.

  Shaun pulled out completely but his tip still touched her. Then he let out a deafening groan and slammed into her again so hard she screeched. He did it again and she screamed even louder, the sound rubbing her throat raw.

  This time there was no slowing down. Shaun pressed his lips against her mouth, swallowing her screams as he pushed her closer and closer to the edge of desire. With a moan, he jumped over it with her until they were both falling, falling, until they exploded in mid-air.

  He pulled his lips from hers and laid his head next to hers, their sweat mingling.

  As he throbbed inside her, Kelsey knew without a doubt this was the best sex of her life. Now that he had ripped her apart, how would she hold all the pieces together? He wouldn't be there to fix her.

  "How's that for a Christmas present?" Shaun asked, panting.

  "The best I've ever had," Kelsey said honestly.

  They didn't stop at the kitchen table. Shaun had meant it when he'd said he wanted her to be his for the night. He took her on a journey around the cottage. They made love in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, in the bathroom, and finally in her bed.

  "I have something to admit." Shaun stretched along the length of the bed, after he'd had a chance to recover. "The many women everyone in town thinks I've slept with don't end up in my bed, and I don't end up in theirs. I've been interviewing them for my book." He paused and turned to look at her. "I used to be that kind of man, the one who slept with a lot of women, but that life is behind me. I still stay away from relationships, but I don't lust after every woman I see."

  Kelsey sighed with silent relief. So he wasn't a womanizer, after all. Not that it mattered, since their time together was pretty much over already. But still. She pulled herself up on one elbow, the bed sheet falling to reveal her breasts. "Why do you let people think you are a womanizer?"