“Alec?” Her voice cracked. “Was he lying the whole time?”
I jerked back the covers and got underneath them, pulling Nat’s warm body into mine. “No, Nat. He really did care about you. I think in his own twisted way he thought he was doing us a favor.”
“By being a bastard?”
“Come on, take his age into account, he’s immature.”
“He’s a year younger than you,” She pointed out. “Besides, how is him being a complete ass helping anyone?”
“It’s com—”
“I swear if you say it’s complicated one more time I’m going to throw you out the window.”
I laughed and nuzzled her neck, “I’d like to see you try.”
“You doubt me?”
My tongue slipped past my lips drawing circles down her neck. “Absolutely.”
A little moan escaped her lips and then a hiss of air.
I pulled her body against mine then dipped my hands behind her head pulling it so she was resting on my shoulder staring directly at my lips.
“Now what?” she whispered, her eyes focused on my lips and then my jaw.
“I have my way with you?” Too much honesty.
She rolled her eyes and pushed away enough to look up at my face. “You’re so romantic. Really, you take my breath away. I almost swooned just now. Good thing I’m lying down.”
Brat. I chuckled and brought her hand to my lips kissing it softly. “Fine, I won’t have my way with you yet… but” — I laced my fingers in between hers — “I’d really like to take you out on a date.”
Nat’s eyes went really wide. “People are going to say I’m a whore.”
“Don’t.” I tightened my grip on her hand pulling her closer to me. “This is my fault, not yours. I should have stayed away from you.”
“I’m glad you didn’t.”
Damn. Hearing those words. It was like… a peace suddenly blanketed itself over me.
We stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, both of us searching the other’s eyes, willing the other person to say something, to confess that it’d been like this since our first meeting.
With Nat it wasn’t just a coincidence, right place, right time. It wasn’t just about a stupid pen, or her tripping her way down the hall. It was the pull, the magnetic attraction I felt for her the minute I set eyes on her. My physical response was strong — but the response of my heart? Never before had I felt like someone had the power to reach into my chest, pull out my heart, and hold it. Nat had the power to do that. She had the power to give me life or death. I’d never given another person that type of control over me; I wasn’t the type of guy to ever relinquish control. But with her? I felt safe, like for the first time in my existence, someone really saw me.
“Stupid pen,” Nat grumbled.
“Huh?” I shook my head.
She giggled. “Never mind. So…” She played with the hair on the back of my head, twisting it between her fingers. “About this date.” Holy shit. She had magic hands! I seriously had to tell myself not to moan out loud lest I freak her out.
“I’ll do anything. Just don’t stop.” I rested my head against her chest. A groan escaped my lips before I could stop it. Holy Hell. No wait. Heaven. Holy Heaven?
“Our date?” she reminded me. Her hands stilling, damn it! I almost growled again.
“Uh-huh.” My hands wrapped around her body hugging her close to me. She must have gotten the hint because she kept rubbing my head. “I think I may like this better than sex.”
She froze.
Whoops. Over share. High five Alec you just scared the shit out of an innocent virgin.
“Damn, did I say that out loud?” I tensed above her. Nat burst out laughing.
Good at least she thought I was kidding — I wasn’t. So clearly I’d been having some really bad sex. Then again, memory was fuzzy it had been over a year.
“At least I know what I need to do to get you to confess to me all your dirty little secrets,” she joked.
“That’s bribery and manipulation, a federal offense…” My words trailed off, feeling heavy in my mouth as I moaned against her.
“You were saying,” she whispered wrapping her hands around my shoulders then digging into my neck. Shit, did she do like hand workouts or something? She was freakishly strong and hit every nerve, every… my body shook. Never. I was never letting her go.
“Marry me.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because you only asked so you’d have a personal masseuse.”
“I have other reasons.”
“I’m sure you do.”
“Fine, but I’m asking again tomorrow,” I grumbled turning my ear so that my head was resting against her chest again. Not only had I freaked her out by talking about sex, but I just proposed to someone still in high school. Seriously, I was just racking up those points.
Nat shivered beneath me.
“You cold?”
She shivered again. “Nope.”
“Nat.”
“Hmm?”
“I love you.”
And there went number three. I mean things always happened in threes right? I needed to tell her. Instead of making it romantic, I blurted it out, almost shouting at her.
I waited, holding my breath, every muscle in my body tense as Nat went so still beneath me I thought I’d possibly suffocated her.
Three breaths later, she said…
“I love you, too.”
Four words.
That changed my life forever.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Demetri
I DIDN’T SLEEP all night.
Instead, I chose to stare at my ceiling.
And think.
I thought about Alec, I thought about Nat, I thought about school, about touring.
And I came to no conclusions. Nothing. I was still on a merry go round and I still had no answers. If I got myself into this mess wasn’t I supposed to be able to pull myself out of it? How do people suddenly just get better?
I mean I’d seen stuff on TV where people say they just stopped being depressed or chose not to be anxious but that wasn’t realistic! I still felt — off. And the more off I felt, the more I wanted pills to at least give me a fake sense of calm.
My entire stomach was in knots by the time we were supposed to leave for school.
I popped two pills.
And made my way out the door to the SUV. Nat was already in her seat waiting.
“Hey Nat,” I called, getting into the car. Alec followed behind me. The air was so freaking tense I would have cracked a joke had I not been so hurt.
“Hey, Demetri.” Nat’s voice quivered.
“Listen—” I turned around while Alec drove the car out of the driveway. “I’m sorry.”
“Huh?” Her jaw dropped. Really? I apologize and she’s surprised? Was I that big of an ass?
I shrugged it off. “I’m sorry I lied.” I turned back around, the awkward silence getting worse by the minute. But what the hell else could I say? I’m sorry I fell in love with you? I’m sorry I want you so bad it hurts? I’m sorry you love my brother more? Or how about this. I’m sorry I’m so messed up that if you asked me to stop doing drugs right this minute — for you. I wouldn’t be able to do it. Yeah, maybe that was it. I was sorry — for every damn thing.
Suffocation by awkwardness was seriously taking place in that SUV — by the time Alec parked, I was ready to jump out the tiny ass window and face plant onto a seagull.
I jerked open the car door and made my way across the parking lot. Ah yes, and this was always my favorite part.
The stares.
You know what sucks about being famous?
Everyone wants to be your friend, everyone wants to freaking be you, they want your life, they want your secrets, they want your damn soul — until you mess up.
The minute you do something shitty — they hate you, they loathe you, they think they have some sort of right
to talk about you as if you aren’t a real person. So yeah, it sucked that people were whispering about me cheating on Nat, but what sucked more? Was the fact that they felt they had a right to even talk about it right in front of me. Was I not a human? Did I not bleed? Were my feelings any less important than someone else’s?
That’s what mere mortals didn’t understand about celebrities… we aren’t different. We still wear pants. I still shit my pants in the first grade. I still get the flu, I still get rejected, I still eat cereal and drink milk. But none of that matters, because once you fall from the pedestal, you’re fair game.
So you may as well make the fall fun — on the way down.
By the time lunch rolled around, people were in a frenzy that I hadn’t sat next to Alec and Nat, like I was pissed or something.
I wasn’t pissed I was giving them space for shit’s sake!
Alec didn’t deserve it; neither did Nat. So in a stroke of brilliance, I grabbed a chick sitting next to me and licked her face.
Hey, I never claimed to be Einstein.
My licking, however, worked. All the attention that was once on Alec and Nat was now on me.
Swear, I could feel Alec staring a hole through my head, but it didn’t matter. I was fixing it in the only way I knew how.
Be a whore.
Act the part.
Show them they didn’t hurt me.
Show them I made my own freaking rules.
After a few minutes, Bob grabbed me by the shoulders and jerked the girl away from me. She cursed, almost falling to her ass. I stood to my feet and glared across the lunchroom at Alec. He was pissed. No he was full on raging, hulk style. As in he would kick my ass if we didn’t have an audience. Whatever. He made me what I am. I learned from the best. I was distracting them from his drama; he should thank me. Instead, he was judging me, he was disgusted with me and that hurt more than anything. It hurt because even when I was helping, I was still somehow messing up.
Another girl was in my path. I grabbed her by the arm and kissed her on the mouth too. Hell, I was already in trouble may as well just embrace it.
Bob grabbed my arm and led me forcefully out of the cafeteria.
I laughed it off.
Bob grunted. “You good?”
“Fantastic.” I smirked. “I feel awesome. Why?”
Bob’s eyes narrowed. “Straight and narrow, Demetri.”
“Why?” I snorted. “When the curves are so damn fun? Especially when you go fast.”
I walked across the parking lot to Alec’s SUV and grabbed the flask I’d hidden there weeks ago when we’d first gotten to Seaside.
It wouldn’t take much to make embarrassment go away, the rejection, the pain; after all I was already on pills. Alcohol just intensified the effect.
Another five swallows.
I threw the flask onto the ground then kicked it.
When the alcohol didn’t make me feel the way it was supposed to. I went in search of the flask, picked it up, and then sat like a loser in the SUV, waiting for the stupid day to be over.
Three hours later.
Two more pills.
The alcohol gone.
And the bell finally rang.
Suddenly, mad as hell, I jumped out of the car and made my way back to the front of the school, swear the cars weren’t even parked, they were all aimed for me, trying to kill me. My vision blurred as the brick walls came into focus, and then blonde hair.
“Nat!”
She didn’t hear me.
One more taste.
Just so she knew what she was giving up. It was a great idea, right? Then again I was drunk, a bit high. I said her name again, then grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her against the brick wall, kissing her. “Nat, I didn’t mean it.”
I seriously couldn’t feel my legs.
“Demetri, stop, you’re drunk.” Frantic, her eyes widened as if I scared her. Me? What the hell!
“I’m not that drunk.” I swayed on my feet. “I just need to talk to you I just want to tell you why!”
She patted my arm like I was a kid. “Okay, why?”
“I love you.” I blurted. My brain was telling my mouth to stop moving, but my heart hurt so bad I had no choice. “I love you so much and I know you love him! I know you do! I saw you two, the way you looked at each other! I didn’t want to be second.” All my life I’d been second. All my damn life.
“Listen, Demetri. You really need to get your crap together. I’m sorry we didn’t work out. I’m also sorry that you didn’t have the balls to say it to my face before you stormed out and hooked up with the first girl in L.A. you could find.”
“We didn’t.” I looked down and shoved my hands in my pockets, though it took me like twenty tries. “We didn’t hook up. I kept thinking about you. Saw your texts.” I swayed again, this time my body bracing hers against the brick wall, not sure if she was holding me up or if it was the wall, things were starting to get fuzzier.
“I saw them, Nat. I wanted to respond so bad, but I needed time to think. And then Alec does what he does best.”
“What’s that?”
“Steals the only girl I love.” I snapped.
“Oh, so he makes a habit of that?” She sneered.
I laughed out loud. “You have no idea how messed up we are.”
“I’m beginning to understand.” Her teeth were clenched.
“He stole her.”
“Okay, Demetri.” She tried to step around me.
I reached out and tugged her against me. “No, you don’t understand. My girlfriend. He slept with her, got her pregnant, abandoned her.”
Nat’s face went pale.
“With my girlfriend.” I scowled. “Who was too much of a good girl to even think about sleeping with me. She slept with him.”
Tears pooled in Nat’s eyes. I was hurting her, plunging in the knife so deep I wasn’t even sure if Alec would be able to find it… let alone pull it out.
“She was mine! And he knew it! He was such a cocky son of a bitch. We were drunk. He said I needed to seal the deal. I told him it was impossible, so we made a bet.”
Nat’s hands shook as she held me back.
“He said if he got into her pants that I owed him a new car.” Tears blurred my vision. “I laughed it off. Alec was always the player. I knew he’d try, but she loved me. I knew she loved me. Just like I knew you loved me. And now…” I cursed and punched the brick wall, blood coursed down my knuckles but I didn’t feel a thing.
Nat fell to her knees in front of me. Holy shit. I’d killed her. But I couldn’t find the strength to even lean down and help her up; my world was tilting.
“Nat!” Alec called her name. “Nat!”
“Nat!” Alec pushed passed me and scooped Nat up into his arms. “Damn it, Nat. Don’t you dare pass out on me!”
“Bastard.” I mumbled from the ground.
“Really?” Alec snarled, “You’re going to call me names? After assaulting her?”
“Fell,” I said hoarsely. “She fell.” I stood to my feet and pushed against him, he was defenseless considering he was holding Nat.
I didn’t expect him to actually punch me.
But he did.
So I punched him back making him almost drop Nat in the process. I almost hit her instead of him, and that’s when I really, really freaked myself out.
I tripped backwards, and then fell on my ass, just as Bob came up behind me and pulled me to my feet.
I knew what was next. I was getting dropped off at the house, and put on house arrest, that was what usually happened after I did dumb shit, but this time. Something was different about this time.
This time… as Bob pushed me into the car and drove me home. This time it felt like the last time I’d see the ocean, or school, or even my brother’s face. The hair on my arms stood on end… huh, why did this time feel like the end? When all the other times just felt like another day?
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Alec
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br /> “HE TOLD YOU everything.”
I felt her nod even though I didn’t see it. I couldn’t actually bring myself to look at her in the eyes. Telling Nat the truth was like telling a three year old that Santa didn’t exist and you ran over the Easter Bunny for fun.
“Tell me it isn’t true.”
My laugh was bitter, void of emotion. “I can’t do that.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
After a heavy sigh, I turned to face her. “I can’t deny the truth. I did everything he said, and what’s probably worse is I got her hooked on drugs in the process.”
She closed her eyes.
“Nat…” My voice was a whisper.
“Just take me home.”
We rode home in silence. I could tell that she was doing the only logical thing she could do… putting the pieces of the puzzle together. The reasons for us being in Seaside. The secret, how it affected me, how it ruined my brother. I felt like shit and it was all because I’d done something shitty. Wasn’t that great?
The crazy thing was… I didn’t really care that Nat thought I was a loser, if anything I cared that she would blame Demetri for what he did. I was the bad guy. I was the reason for Demetri’s issues — I knew that. I had to face myself in the mirror every day and know that I was the reason two people died. I was the reason Demetri was on the road to killing himself. Me. Me. Me
We drove in silence. When the car pulled up to my house she didn’t move.
“Nat…”
She closed her eyes and sighed. “Tell me everything.”
“It’s complicated. I don’t think…”
“Tell me. Now.”
“Heroin.” I laughed humorlessly. “I told her it would help her relax.” I couldn’t look at Nat as I told the story. “We had been partying all weekend and Demetri was already in bed. She was drunk.”
Tears rolled down Nat’s cheeks. I was a monster. A complete, and total monster.
“It was all over within twenty minutes. Neither of us was really thinking. Had I been thinking, I wouldn’t have gone through with it. But alcohol? Drugs? They have a way of messing with you. I knew what I was doing — I just didn’t care. I knew it was wrong, but I felt so good — it felt so good — that I refused to acknowledge there would be any consequences.” I cursed and shook my head “Demetri found us in bed together.”
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