Give Me Something I Can Feel

by B. Love

  “Charlie…” was all that would come out as I tried to pull away but she held me closer. Tighter.

  The front door opened and Harlem’s squeal let me know it was her furniture. “Charlie…”

  “Please. Just. Let me get myself together. Just hold me for a second.”

  “But I need to know why you’re afraid. I need to know what you’re afraid of so I can keep it from happening. What are you scared of, Charlie?”

  She inhaled deeply and pulled away from me as she wiped her face. Charlie stood and turned her back to me as she looked at the delivery men taking boxes upstairs.

  “Falling for you. I’m… scared of falling for you.”

  Her eyes met mine briefly before her feet started to move, and it felt like each step she took away from me somehow pulled her heart even closer to mine. Felt like each step she took away from me somehow made me want to chase after her. Not physically… but emotionally.

  I had no idea how screwed up she was. How damaged she was. Maybe she was just as screwed up and damaged as me. Maybe that’s why we got along and vibed as well as we did. Maybe that’s why she was scared. Lord knows I didn’t want to take it there with her. He knew I didn’t want to get to know her. See her all vulnerable and exposed. Make her fall for me and trust me. Only for her to leave me or be left by me.

  So why did He present her to me? Awaken me. Like she was my rib. The woman I’d been waiting for. The one created to fit me perfectly. Five months. She would be gone in five months. I’d be back on the road in six. And none of this would matter anymore.

  It was Deja, my beautiful yet crazy best friend of forever, who decided I needed a night out. She chose Sticks so we could play a little pool and have a couple of drinks. Today was my last day at Bundled, and she swore it wouldn’t be official if I didn’t go out and celebrate, so I decided to go and unwind with my bestie.

  Deja and I have been best friends for as long as I’ve known myself. Like seriously. Like ever since I’ve known me I’ve known her. That’s how close we are. She’s the only person that knew just how sick I really was. She was the only person I allowed to see me cry and be in pain because of my condition. I didn’t even show that to my parents.

  We went on our first date together. Graduated together. Went to college together. With my surgery, I was forced to withdraw from school. Her crazy behind refused to graduate without me, so she graduated a year late just to be able to be in the same class as me.

  Now that was love.

  Crazy love.

  But love.

  Our drinks and game was forgotten when Ella Mai’s “Down” began to play. She dropped her pool stick onto the table and we immediately started belting the song out.

  “Tell me what you wanna feel? Is there something I can heal? We can paint a perfect picture, picture, make a story we can tell. Honestly I ain’t tryna push. I just know where to look. See you watching me watching you watch my body don’t be scared to speak up.”

  By now, we were standing in front of each other vibing out to the beat. Her hands went to my waist and mine were around her neck as we swayed to the beat.

  “Wanna know if you’re sure. Maybe I could be the cure.”

  She pulled me in for a hug and whispered…

  “Lie, I think they think we’re lesbians.”

  I laughed and pulled myself away from her, taking in the small crowd that had gathered around us.

  “Don’t really know what you do to me, but take that next stop boy that’s cool with me. Cool with me.”

  “I think you’re right, Day.”

  I grabbed my drink as she picked her pool stick back up. When the men that were watching us realized the show was over the crowd slowly began to fade. I giggled at some of the disappointed looks on their faces as the crowd cleared. My smile fell when my eyes landed on Knight. He was seated in the back with a woman practically hanging off of his body.

  It was obvious that he wasn’t as interested in her as she was in him, but that didn’t cause him to put space between them. He must have felt someone looking at him because his eyes scanned the room until they landed on me.

  “I just want you to myself. Tryna be the one that matter. Follow me let’s make it clear.”

  His hand tightened around her hip before he patted it and pushed her off of him. I turned my back to him and prayed he didn’t see me as I gulped the rest of my drink down.

  Just a little less than two weeks ago he was warning me about him. Maybe about this. Trying to protect me from him. And I tried to cut off how I was feeling for him, but it’s growing so naturally I swear it feels as if I have no control.

  He’s not my man. We’re not committed to each other. Hell, I couldn’t even kiss the man. None of that rationalizing the situation made me feel less hurt over seeing him with another woman.

  Knight wrapped his right arm around me from behind and pulled me into his chest.

  “You look beautiful,” he whispered into my ear as his arm tightened around me.

  “Knight…”

  How could a kiss be soft and firm? That’s how it felt when his lips branded my neck. It was soft enough to give me chills, but firm enough to make a river flow between my thighs. I grabbed his hand and tried to remove his arm, but he pushed me into the table softly and moaned as his dick pressed into me.

  “I’m so happy to see you, Charlie.”

  “Charlie? Who the hell is this?”

  That was Deja. All loud and possessive of me. I expected that to make Knight release me, but if anything, he held me tighter.

  I met Deja’s eyes and tried to focus on her, but the feel of his abs… his dick… his arm…

  “Charlie…”

  “This is Knight,” I rushed out.

  “Ohhh this is Knight,” Deja smiled and placed the butt of her stick on the floor. Her hands went on top of it, and her chin rested on her hands. “I’d speak, but I don’t think it would register at this point.”

  It wouldn’t. He was too busy running his nose against my neck inhaling my scent to pay her or anyone else any attention.

  “Knight, are you drunk?”

  “No. I just miss you. I haven’t seen you in like… three days, Charlie. If you don’t want this kind of shit to happen I need to see you every day. As long as I can see you I don’t have to feel you, but one or the other has to happen.”

  He kissed my neck again as he pulled me off the table and turned me to face him.

  “My best friend is trying to speak to you.”

  Knight stared at me for a few seconds more before allowing his eyes to find Deja.

  “What’s up?”

  “Hey.”

  “How are you?”

  “I’m well.”

  Knight nodded and returned his eyes to me. His hand cupped my cheek and he caressed it with his thumb and pulled me closer at the same time.

  “Why haven’t I seen you?”

  Why hadn’t he seen me? I could say it was because I was busy with clients, but that wouldn’t be the honest and complete truth. I was busy, but I wasn’t too busy to see or talk to him. I just chose not to. Trying to stop these feelings that weren’t listening.

  “Who is that and why was she on your lap? Why is she looking over here like she wants to beat my ass?”

  “Pah! She can try,” Deja mumbled as she grabbed her drink off the pool table. “I’m going to the bar since your boyfriend has crashed our girl’s night.”

  “He’s not my boyfriend, and he’ll be leaving soon.”

  “Why?” Knight asked.

  “Because it’s rude to leave your date alone to be talking to me.”

  “That girl ain’t my date. I didn’t even know she was going to be here.”

  “Who is she?”

  Knight smiled and released me. He put some space between us and placed his hands in his pockets.

  “A girl I used to mess with.”

  “You fuck her?”

  “Charlie! I’ve never heard you curse before. That mak
es twice in less than five minutes.”

  “Did. You. Fuck. Her?”

  “Yea. But that’s all it was.”

  “Is that what you were going to do tonight?”

  “No.”

  I didn’t believe him, but it wasn’t my place to question him anyway, so I nodded and tried to walk away. He grabbed my hand and pulled me back into him.

  “I’m serious, Charlie. I’m not having sex with her or anyone else tonight.”

  “So you just let any and everybody sit on your lap?”

  “You ain’t sitting on it,” I chuckled and shook my head as I looked at the ceiling. “Do you feel disrespected? Hurt? Angry? Did I do something wrong?”

  “No. You didn’t do anything at all. We’re not together so it doesn’t matter.”

  “Obviously it does. You can’t look at me. Your body is stiff. Talk to me.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about,” I said as I clapped my hands together.

  Was I clapping my hands right now? Was I really mad at him? Wow. Trying to find my center, I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose as I inhaled deeply. How could I allow him to have such control over my emotions? How could I go from feeling so happy and carefree to angry and possessive?

  “Charlie, there’s nothing going on between us. I haven’t seen her in about six months. She thought she’d have a chance to start something up since I was home, but I told her that I wasn’t interested. Yea, I let her sit on my lap and feel on me a little, to be honest the attention and affection felt good, but you have to believe me when I say I don’t feel anything for her.”

  “Well apparently you don’t feel anything for me either.”

  “No,” he shook his head and took a step towards me. His left hand was out of his pocket and he was pointing at me as he spoke. “That’s what we’re not about to do. You’re not about to tie this together. What I do with her or any other woman has nothing to do with how I feel about you. We agreed that we weren’t going to let anything happen between us, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like you and care about you. And just because I like you and care about you doesn’t mean I’m not going to talk to other women. If I don’t, all of my attention will be on you. You’ll be the only woman I give my energy and time to. And if you’re already feeling things for me you will not be able to handle me making you a priority. You will fall in love. Is that what you want? Right now, any woman can catch my sight and it not mean anything to me. Are you trying to be the only woman in my vision? Do you really want that to happen right now?”

  “That’s not a fair decision to ask me to make.”

  “Life ain’t fair, beauty. If you don’t want me socializing with other women, you need to start answering my phone calls and spending time with me. Is that what you want?”

  “It’s not that I don’t…”

  “But?”

  “But I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  I grabbed the top of my shirt absently and squeezed.

  “We agreed, Knight. No feelings. No relationship. Right?”

  I couldn’t give him things a normal woman could. I couldn’t even kiss him. I couldn’t be intimate with him. How could he have a future with me? Scarred, damaged, scary me? He was better off with her or anyone else at this point.

  “If that’s how you want to keep it, Charlie, fine. But your words and actions need to align with your desire. You can’t get mad at me for shit like this when you aren’t meeting my needs. You can’t demand loyalty and fidelity when you aren’t supplying the same plus love, attention, affection…”

  “OK. Fine.”

  His pointing finger went under my chin, and he used it to lift my head. My eyes closed as I hoped this would be my second chance of getting this kissing thing right, but I realized that wouldn’t be the case when I felt his lips at the side of my mouth. Soft. Smooth. Full. As pleasurable as I thought they’d be. He rested his forehead on mine as he hugged me.

  My arms went around his neck at the same time I opened my eyes and looked into his.

  He pulled me closer and the exchange happened. It was no longer our foreheads that were touching but our lips. The second they connected all parts of my body started reacting. My heart started pounding and skipping beats. Burning. My pussy throbbed. My stomach tightened. My arms covered with chills.

  But just as quickly as he kissed me is just as quickly as he pulled away.

  “Shit,” he whispered as he let me go and stepped back. “I didn’t mean to get that deep. I said I wasn’t going to try to kiss you anymore.”

  “No it’s… it’s fine. I… I don’t mind. Really.”

  “I’m sorry, Charlie. You and your friend be safe. Who’s driving?”

  “What?”

  What the hell? Did he really just cut my kiss off like that and expect me to be coherent? Dude.

  “Who’s driving? Both of you are drinking…”

  “I am. I only had one and that’s all I’m going to have.”

  He nodded and took another step away from me.

  “Cool. Text me and let me know when you’ve made it home safely, Charlie. That’s not a option; it’s a demand.”

  I closed my eyes and licked my lips – trying to taste the remnants of him.

  “Charlie…”

  “OK. I’ll text you.”

  My eyes opened in time enough to see him looking me over from toe to head. His mouth opened, but instead of saying anything he walked out of the pool hall. Leaving me and the woman who was sitting on his lap standing dazed and confused.

  Home

  I sent the text to Knight then placed my phone on my bed. My mind was still spinning over the fact that I not only had an emotional reaction to seeing him with another woman, but that he put me in my place about it. Not only did he put me in my place about it but he kissed me. He kissed me. I haven’t been kissed in years. And it felt so fucking good.

  It felt good to be connected to another human being.

  It sucked that he felt as if he had to hold back from me, but that’s for the best. If I could barely handle the little peck he gave me, I can’t imagine how I would have felt if he would’ve slipped me some tongue.

  I’m all over the place. The first time he tried to kiss me I ran from it. Now I craved it. I guess as time passes and I spend more time with him the inevitable is happening – I’m falling for Knight Carver.

  Hard.

  As I pulled my shirt over my head I received a FaceTime request. I assumed it was Deja so I picked my phone up, but I was pleasantly surprised by the sight of Knight’s name. I quickly put my shirt back on and accepted his request. Just the sight of him had me smiling as usual. He did the same and lowered his eyes briefly before looking at me.

  “I just wanted to make sure we’re good. I don’t need you shutting down on Harlem because of me.”

  “We’re fine, Knight. I told you I didn’t mind the kiss. If anything I wanted more.”

  “I can come give you more. Right now.”

  There was something about the look in his eyes and the raspy sound of his voice that told me that wouldn’t be all he’d be coming to give me, and I was reminded yet again of the fact that I would never have a normal relationship with him… or probably any other man. The thought made my heart literally ache. I felt my face twist as I clutched my chest.

  “Charlie… what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing I’m just… tired. Headache.”

  Why did I lie? Why couldn’t I tell him about my heart? About the scar? Why was I so afraid to share that part of me? That was me. Normally I was proud to say that I was a survivor, but with him… I was scared. Scared that it would end the façade he had of me, and that he’d lose interest and stop seeing me the way he did. And after years of feeling invisible my God I loved the way it felt to be seen.

  “Well take some medicine and get some rest, beauty. We’ll talk later.”

  “Will we?”

  “If you want us to.”

  “I do.”

>   “Then we will.”

  I felt like this was when I was supposed to end the conversation, but I couldn’t. I just stared at him until he spoke again.

  “Can I go to sleep looking at you tonight?”

  “You mean in person or like this?”

  He chuckled quietly and made me smile.

  “Like this, Charlie.”

  “Sure,” I said with my mouth, even though my mind screamed no. Pleaded with me to say no. “Let me shower and I’ll call you back.”

  “Cool.”

  Knight disconnected the call and I just stood there for a second. Phone in hand. Trying to figure out how I was going to get through this night without falling for him even harder. When no solution came to me, I went through my drawers for something to sleep in. Normally I slept in my undies or naked, but since he was going to be looking at me I had to make sure my chest was covered completely. And that’s when the tears started to pour.

  How was the thing that was meant to give me life robbing me of it at the same time?

  My baby sister was entering her fifth month of pregnancy with baby boy Hayden. For this doctor’s appointment she warned me ahead of time that Tage was supposed to be here, and I gave her my word that I wouldn’t cause any problems.

  No matter how irritated I was by the fact that he was 15 minutes late, and when he walked in he nodded at her, sat next to her, and immediately buried his head in his phone. To avoid breaking my promise, I texted Charlie to get my mind off of things.

  She and I had been talking a lot. Probably way more than we should have been talking. After she saw me with one of my old friends at Sticks and I damn near fondled her, well I guess I did fondle her, I was done hiding how I felt about her.

  I liked her. A lot. And I didn’t give a damn if she felt the same or not. If she wanted to feel the same or not. It had been years since any woman had captured my interest and held it, and I planned on taking full advantage of this. Of liking someone. Of wanting more from a woman than just random nights out and sex.

  Fast or not.

  Until I left… Charlie was mine.

  I think she’d finally gotten the point because she stopped trying to deny the pull that was going on between us and started calling and texting me just as much as I was calling and texting her. We still only saw each other when she had to do something for Harlem, but that was practically every day anyway so it was cool.