"You're dealing with it. You're working through it."
"When things get tough, I get drunk, Addison. I'm not a good person when I'm drunk. You've seen it firsthand, for God's sake. How can you say that's working through it?"
"When things got tough the other night, you ended up saving my life."
He stared at her, incredulous. "That doesn't make me a hero. It doesn't even make me a good man."
"Courage is a trait I happen to admire, even in mere mortals like you." A small smile brushed the comers of her mouth. "I don't expect perfection."
This wasn't exactly the way he'd had this scene mapped out in his head. He hadn't expected her to accept his short-comings without question. He sure as hell hadn't expected her to look at him like he deserved anything even close to respect.
But in a small comer of his mind, he couldn't deny that he was secretly pleased. That it wouldn't have hurt if she'd turned away. "You don't want to get tangled up with me."
"You're so intent on trying to talk me out of being with you, I doubt you have the slightest idea what I want."
"We've been keeping close quarters," he said a little desperately. "I don't want things to get out of hand."
"Maybe they already have." Leaning close to him, she brushed her mouth against his.
The kiss hit him like the tail end of a tornado. The need, with all its reckless urgency, uncoiled inside him like a steel cable snapping under tension. Professional ethics went out the window along with every last shred of logic.
Without speaking, Randall rose, pulling her up with him. He saw shock in her eyes, but he didn't stop. Angling her face, he crushed his mouth to hers. He felt her breath on his face as it rushed out of her. He kissed her deeply, possessively; without the finesse she deserved. He parted her lips with his tongue and dug deep. A moan rose up inside him at the almost painful pleasure crashing through him.
Forgetting this was their first time together, knowing he was beyond the point of being gentle, he pulled her against him. He heard the quick intake of breath as he dropped his hands to her buttocks, squeezing the firm flesh, taking in the feel of her, amazed by the fact that he'd never wanted anyone so badly in his life.
Using the muscles in his arms, he held her tightly against him and ground his throbbing erection against her cleft.
"Goddammit, you make me want you," he growled.
"Stop fighting it."
His resolve to stay away from her shattered. He had to get inside her, or he would die of the need to feel her wrapped around him. Next to him, the fire popped and crackled, filling the air with the redolence of burning pine. Outside, the wind ripped around the cabin, tearing at the roof and driving the snow against the windows with the force of hailstones. In the midst of it all, Randall and Addison tended their own storm.
He moaned when her hands went to his chest to work at the buttons of his flannel shirt. Her fingers fumbled, teasing him and exciting him at once. He kissed her hungrily, but the taste of her only heightened his frustration. When his shirt opened Randall pulled away, worked it off his shoulders, and tossed it aside. Then her hands were on his bare chest, making him want her in a way that had him teetering on the thin edge between ecstasy and agony.
With shaking hands, he reached for her sweatshirt and dragged it over her head. Her hair fell in a thick blanket over her shoulders. The sight of her lacy pink bra against the velvety swell of her cleavage took his breath. "I've wanted you since the day you walked into my office," he murmured.
"I want you now."
He felt shaken, off kilter. Christ, he felt out of control. Suddenly it was important to him to know that she wanted this as desperately as he did. He looked into her eyes. “Tell me you want this," he whispered. "Before we go any further. I need to know."
"I want this. I want you," she said simply.
Randall didn't miss the flicker of uncertainty. Nor did he miss that she was trembling. "You're nervous."
"This is ... new for me."
Easing back, he looked down at her, relieved when he saw her smile. "It's been a long time for me, too."
He kissed her temple. Slowly, he reached between them and released the clasp of her bra. She shivered in his arms.
"Relax, honey." Never taking his eyes from her face, he slid the tiny piece of silk from her shoulders.
Her breasts were small, upswept, and exquisite. The tiny nipples were dark and fully erect. His hands trembled as he cupped them. Closing his eyes, he tumbled into a free fall and careened out of control.
* * *
The fire warmed her bare back and case yellow light on the hard angles of his face. Her heart beat out a maniacal rhythm as his hands covered her breasts. She withheld a moan when he took a taut nipple between his thumb and forefinger.
White-hot desire cut through her midsection. She couldn't breathe as waves of passion splashed through her, shaking her and thrilling her at once. She'd never felt so wanton. She never thought she could so completely abandon the safe, responsible shell she'd been living in all her twenty-six years.
At some point, she'd started to tremble. Small shivers that grew quickly into knee-shaking quakes she could do nothing to control.
"Are you okay?" Randall's voice was hoarse. "You're not cold, are you?"
Addison shook her head, trying to still her knees, embarrassed by her powerful reaction to him. She tried to smile, afraid her inexperience would show, and silently cursed her lips for failing her. "Not cold," she managed.
"Still nervous?" He shot her a disarming smile. That crooked smile that gave his handsome face so much character. She was beginning to cherish that smile.
"No," she said.
"Good."
Heat blazed through her when he kissed her neck. His mouth lingered on the sensitive flesh and sent her senses humming. Addison felt as though she'd begun a tumble every bit as wild and tumultuous as the fall she'd taken down the side of the mountain. She was falling into unexplored and yet uncharted territory. A new world that was as exciting as it was terrifying.
His hands were firm and controlled as they slid her leggings down her legs. Her knees felt like jelly as she kicked them aside. She resisted the shiver, but the tremor took her anyway, and she wrapped her arms more tightly about his neck to keep her legs from buckling. He slid her panties down, touching her in places that sent zingers of pleasure rocking through her brain.
Her world went into a slow spin when his hand found its way to the dark nest of curls at her vee. He kissed her deeply as his index finger found a place she'd never shared with another man. Addison closed her eyes against the waves of pleasure as he began to stroke her. She cried out, arching into him, telling herself this was just sex, knowing deep down inside she was a liar.
His mouth captured hers. He devoured her lips before sweeping her off her feet and lowering her gently to the rug in front of the fire. She was aware of his mouth on hers, taking her breath, stealing every last shred of rational thought. She was aware of her breasts aching to be caressed. The place between her legs pounding with each beat of her heart.
She moaned as he poised himself over her, resting his weight on his elbows on either side of her. For a fleeting second, she considered telling him that this was her first time, but she wasn't sure how he would react. Admittedly, she was afraid he would think it was strange that she hadn't experimented with sex during her college years or that she'd never been in love before.
"Look at me."
His voice drifted to her through the fog of passion. She looked into his eyes, seeing urgency and the same need that was rocketing through her. Only then did she realize the extent of her trust for him. She trusted him fully and without question. With a start, she realized she'd already lost her heart to him.
With his hands on either side of her face, Randall poised himself at the warm wetness of her opening. Murmuring her name, he closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers. "I want to see your face when I'm inside you. I need that."
&nbs
p; Whispering his name, Addison opened to him. With a small cry he thrust forward, breaking through the resistance of her hymen in a single, earth-shattering stroke.
The pain was intense for only an instant. She winced in a moment of surprise; felt him stiffen in response.
"Jesus, Addi—"
"Don't stop," she whispered and moved tentatively against him. The pain was forgotten as she was overcome with an intense new pleasure. Hard against soft. The sense of being stretched and filled. By Randall. She moved, awed and amazed by what was happening, relieved when she finally felt him relax. In response, she wrapped her legs around his hips and let him take her to a place she'd never been.
Randall took her to the top of a precipice she hadn't known existed. Together, they ventured higher and higher, oblivious to the dangers abounding, until they reached the crest and realized it was what they'd been searching for their entire lives.
Chapter 13
"Why didn’t you tell me?” Randall stared at the ceiling, his face profiled against the fire as they lay side by side on the rug.
Nestled against him, Addison pulled away just enough to see his face and tried to gauge his thoughts, telling herself it was only her imagination that he looked angry.
When she didn't answer, he propped himself on an elbow and turned to her. "Why didn't you tell me you'd never ... done this before?"
There were a hundred different answers running through her mind but none of them seemed adequate. How could she explain that her virginity had made her feel as if she hadn't been attractive enough or outgoing enough or exciting enough to attract the amorous attention of the opposite sex? Was there something wrong with her because she'd never been in love before?
"I didn't want it to matter," she said finally.
He stared at her, his face set and slightly angry. It was obvious he didn't understand, but she didn't feel as if she could explain something so personal any better than she already had.
"It does matter, dammit. I could have hurt you ...." His words trailed. "I mean, I did hurt you."
"You didn't hurt me."
"I could have made it special for you."
The anger came quick and biting. "It was special. At least it was for me." Hurt, feeling like a fool, she started to rise.
He stopped her. "That isn't what I meant."
When she tried to turn away, he reached out and gently touched her bare shoulder. She glared at him, amazed at how quickly she could go from emblazoned with passion to feeling like a wounded soul. Good Lord, was it possible she was falling for him? Was he going to finish the job of turning her tidy life upside down?
"I'm not going to allow you to make me feel like some kind of ... aberration just because I didn't screw around in college."
"Aberration?" He laughed outright. "Whoa."
When she started to protest, he put his finger against her lips. "You gave me a big part of yourself. I'm trying to tell you that had I known, I would have ... taken things a bit more slowly."
She let him struggle through what he needed to say, mostly because she needed to hear it. Slowly, she relaxed against him and decided to give up on the idea of walking back to Denver tonight.
"Sex just never happened for me," she began. "My parents were in their mid-forties when they adopted me. My mother had unexplained infertility and, back then, she was simply told that she would never bear children." She paused for a moment, trying to imagine what it had been like for them to bring home a new baby after so many years of trying to conceive.
"Thanks to them, I grew up mature. I kept my nose to the grindstone throughout high school. During college, while the other kids were floating kegs and checking out Extasy and cocaine and marijuana, I was already focused on getting my own business. I didn't really even start dating until my fourth year in college." She laughed. "And then there was this stockbroker ..."
His eyes narrowed. "Stockbroker?"
She laughed, enjoying the way he'd come to attention. "You know, Talbot, there may just be hope for you after all."
"I'd be happy to break his legs for you."
"I hate to spoil that-damsel-in-distress image you have of me, but I really do know how to take care of myself."
Reaching out, Randall swept a stray hair away from her forehead. "I'm impressed."
"The fact of the matter is that I never met anyone I wanted to make love with." Until I met you, a little voice added. She looked at him, realizing with some embarrassment that he was staring at her with an odd combination of fascination and respect.
He moved his hand to the side of her face. "I hope this doesn't sound too corny for you, but I'm honored to be the first."
"I've always wondered why everyone makes such a big deal about ... sex."
He arched a brow, but Addison didn't miss the quick flash of uncertainty in his eyes.
She chuckled, charmed and embarrassed and all too aware that her heart was bouncing around in her chest like a Ping Pong ball. "Now I understand why," she said and kissed him.
* * *
Randall couldn’t sleep. Hands laced behind his head, he lay on his back and stared into the fire. Learning Addison had been a virgin completely unnerved him. He knew her first sexual experience was something she wouldn't take lightly. But he also knew that if she wanted something more, he was not the man for the job.
He cursed himself a dozen different ways for sleeping with a young woman when he had absolutely no. intention of sticking around. Christ, he couldn't believe she'd been a virgin. He couldn't believe she'd given him such a precious gift at a time in his life when he couldn't let it mean anything to him. When he couldn't let it mean a goddamn thing to either of them. She deserved better.
He felt like a son of a bitch for letting her settle for him.
The cold hard fact that he was going back to Washington, D.C. in a few weeks loomed hugely. He knew he should have told her by now. He should never have let things go this far. But, sweet Christ, she'd caught him off guard. One kiss and his willpower had shattered. He hadn't expected to get sucked in over his head. He hadn't expected it to matter so damn much. Not to her. Certainly not to him. But, as usual, he'd fucked it up. The gravity of the situation floored him. That he'd been her first awed him. The repercussions sent the sharp scrape of panic up his spine.
This wasn't casual for her. She wasn't impulsive and she sure as hell wasn't the kind of woman who did something like this on a whim. Not Addison with her open heart and naive view of the world. She might believe otherwise, but she didn't know what kind of a man he was. She couldn't understand the darkness in his mind, or the shadow that lay over his heart. He damn well wasn't going to drag her down with him just because he liked having sex with her.
Randall knew what he had to do, knew he was going to have to look into her clear brown eyes and tell her this didn't mean anything to him. That it couldn't mean anything to her. It was going to kill him to hurt her. His only consolation was knowing that in the long run it would be best for both of them.
Shifting slightly, he turned his head and looked at her and felt that odd sensation of free-falling that gripped him every time he got close to her. She was lovely and kind and far too smart to get mixed up with him. Too bad she was listening to that soft heart of hers instead of her head.
He gazed at her, drinking in her beauty, starkly aware of her hair-brushing against his shoulder. He breathed in the sweetness of her woman's scent, felt it go straight to his head until he was dizzy. The fire crackled, painting the delicate flesh of her face golden, like cream flecked with gold. He lowered his arm to nudge her awake, but she snuggled closer.
"Hey, Addison. You awake?"
Her eyes fluttered. "Hey to you, too."
When she stretched languidly and smiled up at him, his heart did a slow roll in his chest. He stared at her, unable to speak, unsettled, and a hell of a lot more troubled than he wanted to admit.
She'd gotten to him, he realized with a start. Somehow she'd managed to break through his barri
ers. And for his own peace of mind, he had to set the record straight before it was too late for both of them.
"Still snowing outside?" she asked, raising up on her elbows.
"The wind let up. That's a good sign."
"Oh." Tilting her head, she looked at him closely. "You look ... troubled. Is everything all right?"
He wanted to smile, but he couldn't. He couldn't be with her like this and know he was going to hurt her. When she touched his arm, he turned away to stare into the fire. When his back was to her, he closed his eyes and spoke. "My leave is up in a few weeks," he said softly.
Next to him, he felt her stiffen. "What do you mean?"
The Perfect Victim Page 17