by Dori Lavelle
“It’s okay,” I say. “Even big people forget sometimes. Aren’t you lucky to have a daddy who reminds you?”
“The luckiest girl in the world.” She disappears back into the bathroom, and I hear the water running for only a second before she’s out again, hands dripping wet. She clambers up onto the bed before I can say anything and lays herself down on her back next to me.
“Is Daddy sad?”
“No, angel. Daddy is just thinking.” I take her cool, damp hand in mine and squeeze it. It doesn’t matter what the world takes from me; my little girl will always be here. She will always be mine. She’s the greatest gift her mother could have ever left me.
She pulls her hand from mine. “Massage time,” she says, gazing into my face, her curls falling onto her forehead. “I will massage you, Daddy.”
“That sounds good. How much does a massage cost?” I’m already smiling even before she answers.
She raises her right hand and starts counting on her fingers. “One. Two. Three. Three kisses.”
Since the day Grace took Rose to Grace’s Touch for the first time, my daughter has been obsessed with anything that has to do with massage. We play the massage game at least once a day, every day, and she’s always the masseuse.
“I can do that.” I pull her little face close to mine and give her three kisses. Once I’ve paid her in kisses, I turn onto my stomach, and she climbs on top of me.
“Your back is very tired, Daddy.” Her small hands knead my shoulders. She’s not strong enough to relieve the tension, but I do a great job of pretending.
“You’re such a great masseuse, Miss Rose.” I close my eyes to better enjoy the presence of my daughter, to allow her to make it all better.
“Very good,” she says and hops off my back again, less than two minutes after the massage session started. “Finished.”
“Thank you so much.” I flip back onto my back.
She’s sitting next to me with her legs crossed now, her chin resting on two little fists, watching me with such an intense expression, I tense up inside. Even at this age, she can see right through me.
“Is something wrong, sweetheart?”
The curls bob as she nods. “Doesn’t Jia love us anymore?”
“Why do you think so, Angel?” I sit up, fascinated as I always am that I’m capable of so much movement now, that I can feel my legs.
“She didn’t want her ring. She went away.” Rose pauses to catch her breath. “She doesn’t love us anymore.”
“Of course, she does.” I use the back of my hand to wipe away the sweat from my forehead. “She’ll come back. She had to go to work.” I hope I’m not lying to my daughter right now. Either way, I need time to think about how to break the news to her if Jia has decided to be gone for good. I’m not ready to break my daughter’s heart.
“When?” Rose drops her hands into her lap. “When is she coming back?”
“I don’t know.”
The question is not whether or not she will be back and when, but whether things will be the same when she returns. Her rejection has definitely shaken things up. I was so sure of us. She was always there after Alice died. She put me back together. She found her way into my heart and into my daughter’s heart. She finished the job my dead wife had started.
Last week, when Jia came to see me after work, I could see that she was exhausted, but she insisted on giving Rose her bath. Seeing the two of them together, witnessing the bond they’ve created caused my heart to swell. I knew then that I wanted to take things to the next level.
A knock on the door saves me from another one of Rose’s uncomfortable questions.
She jumps off the bed and goes to open it.
Eva, the housekeeper, gazes down at Rose with a smile, her silver hair glinting in the morning light, a tray in her hands. “Good morning, Miss Rose.”
“Good morning, Miss Eva.” Rose takes her elbow and pulls her into the room. “You know what? Daddy bought Jia a ring, but she doesn’t like it.”
My palm hits my forehead. Forget secrets when children are around.
“Is that so? I—” Eva glances at me and immediately drops her gaze to the cup of coffee in the tray, looking embarrassed. She looks back up at me, her expression clear again. “Mr. Lance, I brought you some coffee.”
Like many of my employees, she had started our employer and employee work relationship by calling me by my last name out of respect, but I soon made it clear to her that I’m not a fan of that. But she refused to call me anything without a Mr. before it. We settled on Mr. Lance, and Jia is referred to as Miss Jia.
“Just what I need this morning. Thank you, Eva.” My voice is calm and controlled.
She crosses the room and places the tray on the vintage table in a far corner while I slide out of bed and position myself on the edge. As she picks up the coffee and brings it to me, I glance at my wheelchair by the window.
The last time I used it was eight months ago, not because I needed to, but more out of habit. I know I should get rid of it. It reminds me of some painful times, but at the same time, it also reminds me of equally awesome moments. I was sitting in that chair when I fell in love with Alice. But she’s gone and won’t be coming back.
I take a gulp of hot coffee and wince as it scalds my tongue. I place it on the nightstand to give it time to cool down.
“Anything else I can do for you, Mr. Lance?”
“No, Eva. I’m good at the moment.”
“How about you, Miss Rose? Shall we go and make ourselves some delicious Saturday breakfast?”
When I’d asked Rose to go down for breakfast earlier, she didn’t make it to the kitchen. Instead she’d gone to her room to play with her dolls.
“Pancakes with a cherry on top?” Rose beams up at her.
“Whatever you like.” Eva reaches out for Rose’s hand.
Together, they disappear through the door, and I let out a deep sigh. Once the door closes, I pick myself up from the bed and approach the wheelchair. Without thinking, I sink into it and gaze out at the lush garden. The sun is bright in the summer sky. A blue jay is perched on one of the branches of a nearby tree. A chill touches my spine when the bird turns to gaze at me, head tilted. It’s almost as though it sees through me.
I look away and focus on how I feel being in the chair again. It’s comforting and strange at the same time. But most of all, in this chair, I feel closest to Alice.
I remain in the chair for ten minutes, watching the bird hop from branch to branch. I try not to think about the events of the morning. Finally, I rise from the wheelchair and return to the bed. I pick up my cup of coffee, draining it in one go. I rest the empty cup on my knee and gaze up at the ceiling. I find comfort in thoughts of Alice.
The sound of the door opening pulls me out of my thoughts. I turn around.
My heart sinks when I see all four of my brothers—Bryant, Neal, Derrick, and Caleb —stepping through the doorway, grins on their faces.
Bryant, my identical twin brother, is carrying what looks like a bottle of apple cider. They’re always careful not to drink alcoholic beverages in my presence to prevent me from remembering my booze-soaked days. I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol in a long time, but right now as I gaze at the bottle, I wish it were the real thing.
“What the fuck are you hiding in here for?” Bryant rubs his forehead.
“Aren’t you supposed to be celebrating?” Derrick throws himself on the couch and props his feet onto a stack of magazines on the coffee table. The scar that traces the edge of his jaw reminds me of the thrill seeker he used to be before he found Brooke again and decided to be a family man.
Neal closes the door softly behind him and approaches my bed cautiously as though he already knows what happened.
“You’re not smiling.” Bryant drops into a chair next to my bed while Neal lowers himself onto the bench at the foot of the bed.
“There’s nothing to smile about,” I say.
They exchange look
s, then start tossing questions at me faster than I can answer them.
“Shut the hell up and give me a chance to answer.” I rake a hand through my hair.
“Sorry, man.” Bryant lowers the bottle to the floor. “There’s nothing to celebrate, is there?”
“Nope. You came here for nothing.”
“I disagree.” Neal runs a hand over his crew cut. “It looks to me like you need someone to talk to.”
“Spit it out, or we’re not going anywhere,” Derrick adds.
I throw my hands in the air. “She didn’t accept my proposal, okay?”
The silence in the room is so thick, I can almost taste it.
Bryant comes to stand in front of me, hands deep in his pockets. “How in the world did you scare her away?”
“What makes you think I scared her away?” I feel my anger rising to the surface.
“Bad joke, Bryant.” Caleb gives my shoulder a squeeze, then backs off, hands deep in his pockets.
I look at each of them in turn, reading the questions on their faces. “She didn’t exactly say no, if that’s what you think. She needs time to think about it.”
“To think about what, exactly?” Caleb asks. “You guys are made for each other. You already act like a married couple.”
I clench my jaw. I can’t deal with this right now, but my brothers will never stop bugging me until they’re satisfied with the answers I give them. “I don’t know why she didn’t say yes, okay? But it’s her choice. I can’t force her into a marriage. It is a huge step.”
Bryant is the next person to lay a hand on my shoulder, offering his comfort. “It must still feel like shit, though. I’m sorry.”
“It does,” I say honestly.
“Do you think she feels she’s still in competition with your late wife?”
“Who the hell knows? She didn’t bother to explain.”
“I have to admit,” Neal says. “If I were in her shoes, I’d be worried. You’ve never really been able to let go of Alice ... Not really.”
“That’s nonsense. She’s been gone for four years. I’ve moved on.”
“But you still keep loads of photos of her around the house,” Neal says. “And don’t think we don’t notice that you think about her quite a lot.”
I get to my feet and shuffle to the window, my back to them. After years of physical therapy, I’m now perfectly capable of walking short distances without my cane, but not as fast as I’d like.
I feel my temperature rise. “Of course, I think about her. She was a huge part of my life. She gave me my daughter.” I grind each word between my teeth. “But that doesn’t affect how I feel about Jia. Jia is here, and Alice is gone.”
“Then you better start acting like she’s gone,” Bryant says. “We’ve all noticed you drift off so many times, and we know exactly who you think about in those moments.”
“Jia is an incredible woman,” Neal says. “If you don’t want to lose her, you have to pull yourself together. You have to live in the present.”
“No woman likes competition, man,” Bryant continues. “It doesn’t matter whether that competition is dead or alive.”
My brothers’ words slice through my heart, cutting me to the core. I turn to face them. “Jia is not competing against anyone. I’ve never treated her as second best. I love her.”
“But you have to prove that to her,” Derrick adds. “Get rid of the damn wheelchair. We all know why you hang onto it. Get rid of some of the photos from around the house. Show Jia she’s number one in your life now. If you don’t, pretty soon you’ll be left standing on your own.”
“Guys, thanks for coming.” I pick up the bottle of apple cider and start to open it. “I need to be alone now.”
They all nod, respecting my decision. “If you need to talk,” Neal says, “you know where to find us. We’re here for you.”
They walk out, leaving me standing with the bottle in my hands. I change my mind about taking a swig from it—pretending it was alcohol—and put it on the nightstand next to my cup of coffee. After gazing into space for a long time, I decide that staying in the room won’t do me much good.
I take a quick shower, and fifteen minutes later, I leave the room as well, planning to grab some breakfast before spending the rest of the day in my studio. I have a lot of unfinished paintings to keep me busy for most of the day, which is a good thing. I’m in need of a distraction.
To my surprise, I find my brothers in the kitchen, sharing pancakes with Rose, who’s bouncing on Neal’s knee. The only person missing is Caleb, who had to get home to prepare for his business trip to Hong Kong where he plans on building a hotel.
“What are you still doing here?”
“Rose asked us to stick around.” Neal takes a swig of orange juice. “She served us the most delicious pancakes.”
Watching my family together does make me feel better. There are times I hate it when they get in my business, but honestly, I like knowing they have my back no matter what.
While I get my own breakfast, my brothers continue to play with Rose while we catch up on their individual lives, giving mine a break for a change. Half an hour later, they leave.
Bryant takes Rose with him so she can spend the Saturday with Lance, my namesake and nephew.
Minutes after I see them off and disappear into my studio, Eva knocks on the door to tell me Jia is here to see me.
“Thanks, Eva. Send her up,” I say without hesitation. Talking to my brothers has helped me push my bruised ego aside and understand more how Jia feels.
When Jia appears in the doorway, we don’t speak as our eyes meet and hold. I don’t start the conversation, kind of afraid I might say something to mess things up more.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” Jia’s face is marked by sadness. “I never meant to hurt you.”
She closes the door behind her but doesn’t walk fully into the room.
I shake my head. “No need to be sorry.” I put down the brush I’m holding. “Whatever you decide is fine with me.”
“You’re not mad at me?” She clasps her hands in front of her.
“I don’t have a right to be. You are a free person. A wedding proposal is a question. You’re free to answer yes or no. All I need is an answer.”
A smile curls her lips as she crosses the room and comes to wrap her arms around me. “I never want you to doubt for a minute how much I feel about you. I love you, and that will never change. I’m just ... I’m so scared, Lance.”
“What are you scared of?” I press a kiss to her chin. “Why are you scared of a life with me?”
“It’s a big step. Every time you turn on the news or read the papers you’re bound to find a story about a marriage that has broken apart. What if it happens to us? What if we get married and realize too late we’re not meant for each other?”
“That’s what you’re worried about? That we might not work out?” I tuck a strand of her silky black hair behind her ear. “Baby, marriage is not something you enter into and then just sit back.” To say I’m relieved that her hesitation has nothing to do with my dead wife is an understatement. “A marriage is something one works on every single day. I’m willing to put in the work if you are. I want you in my life, Jia, and I promise to do everything in my power to make you happy, if you let me.”
“You really think we can do this?” She places her hands on both sides of her face, eyes aglow.
“I know we can do it.” I pull her closer and kiss her hard on the lips. She’s breathless when I pull away. “I want to be your husband more than anything, but if you decide not to marry me, nothing will change between us.”
“What are you saying? You won’t leave me if my answer is no?” She blinks away tears. “You love me that much?”
“I love you much more.” The ice melts from my heart because I know everything will be all right, no matter what her answer is.
“Oh, Lance. I already have my answer. I love you so much, you and Rose. I’m happiest when I’m i
n your arms.” She tightens her arms around me and rests her head on my chest. “This is where I want to be. Nothing would make me happier than being your wife. If you still want me.”
“Always.” I kiss every inch of her face. “I’ll always want you. Let’s get married soon.”
“Yes, let’s.” Jia rummages inside her bag for the engagement ring. She hands it to me. I’m a happy man as I slide it onto her finger. As soon as she becomes my fiancée, I ask her to lock the door so I can show her how happy her answer has made me.
5
Jia
The smell of flowers is intoxicating—gentle and sweet to my nose. It’s been two months since I agreed to marry Lance.
Today we celebrate our engagement with the rest of Lance’s family. We wanted to wait until Caleb got back from Hong Kong so Lance could have all his brothers present.
In spite of my initial hesitation, not once in the past few weeks have I doubted my decision to be Lance’s wife.
Being here, inside the LaClaire Hotel restaurant, everything feels so right. Each member of his family has welcomed me with open arms, delighted that in only a few weeks, I will officially become one of them.
Bryant is the last of his brothers to make a toast to us. The way he’s looking at Lance warms my heart. He really believes that I can make his brother happy.
“Lance, you couldn’t have chosen a better wife.” Bryant raises his glass of non-alcoholic champagne. The light from the chandeliers bounces off the glass.
“Wait a second.” Brooke LaClaire, Derrick’s pregnant wife, places a hand on top of Bryant’s. “I’m sure Grace will agree that we should warn Jia before she enters into this family.” She winks at Grace and laughter breaks out.
“I certainly agree,” Grace laughs. “I don’t think we’ll be able to sleep well at night if we don’t tell her the truth.”
“Jia, being married to a LaClaire man is the most beautiful thing you’ll ever experience.” Brooke kisses her husband’s cheek. “But you should always have your door open. When you’re married to one, you’re married to all.”