"Tyler?" Holly mumbled an hour later, her eyes fluttering open. She'd been having the most vivid dream about her boyfriend, though she couldn't recall what it was. Instinctively, she reached one hand out, expecting to feel the warmth of Tyler's broad back. In Oakridge, Holly and Tyler had managed to spend a few nights sharing a bed, thanks to creative lies about slumber parties and a shared talent for tiptoeing past sleeping parents' bedrooms. Now, as Holly came to, she realized she was in California, and that the space beside her was empty.
Rubbing her eyes, she felt the dampness of her lashes, and then remembered everything: the phone call, the fight, and her crying jag. But Holly didn't feel like bawling now; sleep had given her a sense of clarity, and comfort. It was like those few times when she'd twisted an ankle on the track -- getting a good night's sleep always dulled the ache a little.
As Holly slowly sat up, smoothing out her tousled hair, her dream came back to her in a rush. She'd
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dreamed that it was this past Tuesday morning, and she was saying good-bye to Tyler outside her parents' house. But instead of accepting his Claddagh ring, she was returning it to him, gently closing his fist around it. The dream hadn't been painful -- rather, Holly had felt a sense of relief so palpable she'd assumed it had been real. Awake now, Holly even glanced down at her hand, and, to her slight surprise, saw that her ring was still in place, winking up at her through the moonlight streaming in through her windows. Her heart dropped in disappointment.
And that was when Holly knew what she had to do.
She swung her legs off the bed, trembling. Before she actually did anything, she needed to find Alexa, to finally talk things through.
But as Holly wandered through the silent, empty hallways, she realized that Alexa was never one to hang around a house on a warm Thursday night. Maybe she'd even rethought her Jonah decision and now the two of them were hooking up at some private, celeb-only club. With a sigh, Holly stepped into the kitchen, hoping to find some comfort food, but then a splashing sound outside the window startled her. At In-N-Out on Tuesday night, Jonah had told Holly and Alexa that he'd once caught determined photographers pawing through his trash can for mail or
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other kinds of illuminating garbage. Fearful of crazy, stalker paparazzi, Holly held her breath and peered out into the darkness.
But there were no stalkers outside just Alexa. Holly saw her friend sitting on the edge of the pool, her blonde hair shining in the starlight as her feet kicked gently at the water. She looked like a mermaid contemplating whether or not to return home, and Holly smiled at the image. Without putting on shoes, she slipped out of the house and crossed the flagstone path to the quiet pool area. Alexa glanced up at Holly, her big blue eyes twinkling, but neither girl said anything. Holly sat beside her friend, also dangling her feet in the cool, chlorinated water. She thought about all the other times she and Alexa had sat side by side like this, not speaking, but being there for each other nonetheless.
'What were you doing all this time?" Holly finally asked, trailing a line through the blue water with her toe. She didn't feel like bringing up Tyler just yet.
"Thinking," Alexa replied, tilting her head to one side, "about our boy troubles." She paused. "And that I should cut my hair."
"Are you serious?" Holly demanded, forgetting Tyler for a minute. Alexa was always unpredictable, but this news was truly outrageous. Alexa's long, rippling, storybook hair had always been her trademark;
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Holly hadn't known her friend otherwise. "Boy-short, like Margaux?" Holly added apprehensively.
Alexa shook her head, smiling at Holly's expression of shock. "To my shoulders, I think." Alexa knew she would miss her voluminous hair. It was her armor: She'd relied upon it to lure boys, make statements, and intimidate people. But now the time felt ripe for chopping and styling, for a look that was more grownup, more New York, more ... new. Maybe it was because she was still worried about her incapacity to fall in love -- and felt that changing her look might change her outlook. Maybe it was because Jonah -- the source of her love angst -- had drooled over her "long blonde hair." She shrugged at Holly. "I just feel like shifting gears," Alexa explained.
Holly nodded, emotion rising in her again. "Change can be good," she agreed softly. Shifting gears. She thought about how natural it now felt to drive in LA, how she'd learned to be confident steering her way across unfamiliar ground. Holly took a deep breath of the salty-fresh air and looked up at the glistening stars. "I'm happy here," she murmured, as much to herself as to Alexa. It was the first time she'd articulated the thought out loud, and expressing it scared her a little, made it real.
Alexa remembered something Holly had told her in the car: When I called him from UCLA, I guess I
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sounded all giddy.... Alexa furrowed her brow, wondering if she should speak what was suddenly on her mind. For selfish reasons, she wanted to resist.
"Hoi, didn't you ...*' Alexa began hesitantly. "Didn't you get into UCLA?"
Holly met Alexa's gaze, the expression in her gray-green eyes, understanding. "I did," Holly replied. Then she continued, her thoughts spilling out in a hurry now. "I applied on a whim because Kenya had recommended it, and because of their great track program but I didn't ever plan to go. It seemed so far away, so different." Holly looked down at her ankles disappearing into the water, then gave voice to the thought that had been lingering in her mind all day. "But being on the campus today felt so ... right. Like ... like I should be going there in the fall. And not Rutgers." Her cheeks flushed.
"Yeah," Alexa said softly, kicking up another splash of water. "I kind of got that vibe from you before." She felt an ache in her throat.
"Whatever," Holly said, waving her hand through the air as if to wipe the thought away. "I can't believe we're even talking about this! It's too late to do anything now, and it's not like I'd actually ever be able to withdraw from Rutgers and move out here, right?" Holly laughed, as if the idea were outlandish, but Alexa saw that the expression in her eyes was hopeful.
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"It's not impossible," Alexa argued, still wrestling with herself inside. "It's only June school doesn't start until September. And I bet your V.I.P. Assistant Principal mom could totally pull some strings with the admissions office." What am I saying? Alexa wondered. The last thing Alexa wanted was for Holly her anchor, her rescuer, the one person on the planet who understood her to move across the country. At the same time, Alexa had witnessed the new Holly blooming under the Malibu sun. It was as if all the changes Holly had gone through in the past year -- becoming more confident, more lighthearted, more daring had finally taken full shape here. Alexa would never have predicted it, but there it was, plain as day: Holly belonged in LA.
"This is where you should be," Alexa said firmly, looking at Holly. "I just feel it." Her heart broke as she said the words, but Alexa couldn't not be honest with her oldest friend.
Holly swallowed, glancing down at her hands. Me, in LA? She knew she'd never buy into the whole shiny-cars-and-fake-tans scene, but she'd been amazed to discover that there were people here -- like Kenya, like Belle who managed to exude California cool while still remaining down-to-earth. Here, Holly would have friends she could count on to mock all the shallowness with her while enjoying it at the same time.
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But she wouldn't have Alexa.
When Holly looked up again, she saw Alexa watching her with a sad smile on her face; in the past, Holly had often wondered if she and Alexa were close enough to peek into each other's minds. "You'll be fine without me," Alexa whispered, tears welling in her eyes. "Better. You'll be saving boys from the ocean and going clubbing with Kenya -- "
"Alexa, stop!" Holly gasped, reaching for her friend's hand. "Come on, I can't uproot myself like that or leave you behind -- and my parents would flip -- "
Still, even as Holly stammered out her excuses, she knew, deep down, that she wanted to uproot herself. Needed to,
maybe. Ever since her trip to South Beach last year, Holly had been struggling to prove to her parents that she was an adult, or at least on her way to becoming one. But Holly knew that if she remained in New Jersey forever with her parents, with Tyler, even with Alexa, whom she'd always depend on for excitement she'd never really grow up.
Rutgers, home, the safe, easy path she'd always followed ... none of that compelled her anymore. She wanted to make her own excitement, to blaze her own trail. Holly thought of the American History class she'd taken that year, of the pioneers who'd headed west in covered wagons, plunging headfirst into uncharted territory. Now, maybe it was her turn.
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"Just explain how you feel to Lynn and Stanley," Alexa advised, giving Holly's hand a squeeze. "They might put up a fight at first, but they'll understand. They'll have to."
At Alexa's words, Holly once again felt tears flood her eyes. "Well, I do need to call them anyway," she conceded, her voice catching. "Even if it will be an utter disaster."
"I know it's hard to believe, Hoi," Alexa said, choking up even more as she thought of her own icy-cold mother. "But your parents want you to be happy." Holly nodded, squeezing Alexa's hand tighter. "And so do I," Alexa managed with a small smile. "Even if I'll be miserable going to Mayle and Bloomie's without you."
Holly shook her head vehemently. She couldn't yet deal with the fact that she and Alexa might be separated. After so many crazy ups and downs, the two of them had finally forged a true friendship, and now here she was, casting it off for California. "Hey, maybe you could come out here, too?" Holly offered, her voice trembling.
"No way," Alexa giggled, dabbing at her eyes. "If anything, this trip has reminded me that I'm a New York City girl at heart." Alexa's spirits lifted at the thought of New York: the grand museums within walking distance of Central Park, the hidden boutiques in the
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Village, the vibrant community' of artists and thinkers and fashionistas she'd soon be a part of. "Though being a cinematographer could be cool ..."she added, imagining herself behind a movie camera. But then Alexa shook off the moment of self-absorption. "What about Tyler?" she added softly, glancing back at Holly. "He's not going to take this well...."
"I know," Holly whispered, averting Alexa's gaze. Her toes looked blurry and distorted under the water; she knew Alexa would recommend she paint her toenails before tomorrow's wedding. "That's kind of what our fight was about before," Holly went on. "Even though I didn't flat-out tell him about wanting to go to UCLA." Up until now, Holly hadn't even admitted that desire to herself. "But I'm sure he sensed the change in me," Holly continued, staring down into the blue depths of the pool. "I've sometimes wondered if Tyler knows me better than I know myself. And maybe now he knows that it's time ... time ... for us ..." Her throat closed. She couldn't go on. She couldn't finish that heartrending thought.
Alexa put her arm around Holly's shoulder as her own heart pounded. "For you guys to..." she prompted, not wanting to put the words in her friend's mouth.
"End things?" Holly phrased it as a question, but she felt certainty rise up inside her. It was agony to
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face. But she knew that if she and Tyler tried to stay together, and she went off to UCLA in September, the two of them wouldn't last longer than her first semester. She'd get caught up in her life here, and he'd begin to resent her just like now. And, if Holly decided to stay at Rutgers, she'd grow to resent Tyler for, as he'd put it, holding her back. All of it was so inevitable, Holly was amazed that she'd never seen it coming before. "But," she added tearfully, thinking out loud. "It's so hard to picture myself without him."
"It'll only feel like that for a while," Alexa promised, stroking Holly's hair. "Especially if you know you're doing the right thing." Alexa had always assumed Holly and Tyler were perfectly matched, but now she saw that Holly was growing away from him. With a funny little tremor, Alexa recalled how she'd broken up with Tyler more than a year ago, unwittingly setting in motion the chain of events that had led her, Holly, and Tyler to where they were right now. Life was so weird.
Holly closed her eyes, remembering the light in Tyler's amber-colored eyes, the softness of his dark-blond hair under her hands. She replayed certain moments in her mind: the drizzly April morning of their junior year when Tyler had kissed her in school for the first time -- right in front of her locker, his hoodie damp and his lips tasting of rain; the snowy
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Valentine's afternoon in Tyler's bedroom when he'd traced a circle on her belly and whispered that he loved her; the two of them dancing to bad techno at the prom, laughing and sweaty as their classmates cheered them on. She felt like she was watching a film of someone else's life. Holly felt tears slipping out of the corners of her eyes and sliding down her cheeks. Tyler had been her first love. Her first real heartache. Her first everything. Holly had no idea how the script was supposed to go from here.
"Did you want to wait until we're back in Oakridge to, you know, do it?" Alexa was asking tentatively, as if she were referring to a mob hit.
"I think I'd lose my nerve by then." Holly replied, opening her eyes to stare at the cypress trees waving under the sky. "Besides," she added, turning to raise one brow at Alexa. "You wouldn't wait, would you? If there's anything you've taught me, Alexa St. Laurent -- "
"Besides how to tell the difference between Chanel Glossimer and Stila Lip Glaze?" Alexa cut in. With a pang of sadness, she realized just how deeply she was going to miss her friend if things did work out with UCLA.
Holly managed a half grin. "Yeah, besides that, which, we all know is absolutely crucial. You taught
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me that breaking up isn't always the world's scariest thing. I mean, look at what you did with Jonah -- "
"No kidding." Alexa lowered her gaze. She didn't think now was the time to express to Holly her fear that, because of her impulsiveness, she'd never love again.
Holly planted a kiss on Alexa's cheek. "I'm sorry," she murmured.
Alexa glanced up, confused. "About what? You know I adore it when you pour your tortured soul out to me."
Holly shook her head. "About what I said this morning how you were difficult with boys and all that? I didn't mean it. Alexa. You will make a guy happy someday. Of course you will. But it'll have to be a guy who really gets you."
Alexa gave Holly a small smirk. "Because there are so many of those around."
'You never know where one might turn up," Holly said as she got to her feet, wiping them off on the marble edge of the pool. She seemed to be composing herself for a moment, and then she cleared her throat. "I need to head inside and make those calls before it gets too late out there."
Alexa looked up at her friend. "Okay. Want me to come with?"
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Holly remembered how, back in South Beach, Alexa had sat by her side during another very difficult phone call. Now, though, she knew she needed to go it alone. So she told Alexa good-night and headed back inside the house, her pulse tapping at her wrists. As she made her way toward her bedroom, where her phone lay waiting on her bed, she decided she'd make the calls in order of their difficulty: Kenya first, to ask some questions about UCLA; her parents next, to discuss the college decision; and, finally ...
tyler was flashing across the screen of Holly's cell just as she reached for it; she'd been so deep into her thoughts she hadn't even heard it ringing. Her heart in her throat, Holly clicked the phone on and brought it to her ear.
"Hi," she whispered. "I was just about to call you." Kind of
"Holly." Tyler's tone was deep and sober. "We need to talk."
"That's putting it mildly," Holly murmured, unsure why she was joking. Then she realized that she had to make things a little lighter, or she and Tyler would be swallowed by their sadness.
"Ever since we got off the phone, I've been thinking," Tyler went on, his voice low with emotion.
"Me, too," Holly said, and sat on the edge of
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her bed, studying the starry Malibu night through her drapes. "A lot."
"I love you," Tyler said.
"I love you, too," Holly whispered. "But..."
"But," Tyler replied, like a confirmation.
Holly felt the tears return, salty and familiar as they meandered down her cheeks. "So great minds think alike?" she managed to ask.
Tyler gave a half laugh. "God, Holly. I can't believe this is happening."
"I know," Holly whispered. "Except it... is."
Slowly, carefully, she and Tyler began talking, began unwinding a conversation that would flow deep into the night. Holly wasn't sure where their talk would carry them, but that was the thing about the future. It was unknown, and unknowable, but before you knew it, you were there.
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CHAPTER TEn
Present Tense
All of El Sueño was in a tizzy. Photographers snapped shots of the main house while reporters swarmed the grounds, generating a constant humming sound.
When Alexa pulled up in Jonah's Hybrid the next morning, Miguel directed her to a parking spot behind a news van. As she pushed her sunglasses up and lifted two iced white chocolate dreams The Coffee Bean's specialty -- from the drink holders, Alexa thought she heard the faint slapping of a helicopter's blades overhead. Insanity. It was Margaux's wedding day, so either half the world was salivating for a glimpse of the handsome brother of the bride -- or Holly had created a raging bonfire of Tyler's photos in the living room.
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Stepping out of the car, and tucking the fat, glossy July issue of Vogue under her arm, Alexa saw that the guesthouse looked intact. Whew.
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