by Rhonda James
Would Scott really do something that cold? Are her constant warnings the very reason I keep asking him to wait?
If I lose him, how will I ever find the strength to breathe again? God, please don’t let me have to find out.
***
My original plan was to wait until after the movie started before I came onto him. But after the run-in with my mom, I knock once and he barely has a chance to close the front door before I’m climbing him like a tree. When I whisper my intentions in his ear, he draws back to stare into my eyes. “You sure about this?” Without blinking, I peer up at him and give a quick nod of consent. After that, it’s all he can do to carry me down the hall without tripping over his own feet.
“Sky, baby,” he whispers between damp kisses on my throat. “Lie back against the pillows.” Using one hand, he gently lowers me onto the bed as the other slides back and forth, teasing my ribcage. Each pass brings him closer to my breast, and when his thumb brushes over my nipple, they both pebble against my cotton bra. Large hands palm each breast, and I wince with embarrassment. The caressing stops and his brow furrows in mild confusion. “Why are you making that face?”
I release my bottom lip from between my teeth and mumble. “Sorry. It’s just… My boobs are so small.”
He responds by giving each breast a squeeze before lowering his mouth and kissing a path up my neck. “They’re not too small. They fit my hands perfectly.” His fingers grip the hem of my shirt to slide it past my shoulders. “Not to mention, they’re the perfect size for my mouth.” He dips his head, his tongue laving at my nipple through the thin material, and I swear I feel every lick and swish that circles my taut flesh. Once he’s finished teasing the right, the same blissful torture is repeated on the other. Each sweeping pass feels better than the last, and when he works his way down between my legs, I find myself opening wider to accommodate his broad shoulders.
My heart beats erratically as soft lips tickle over my bare belly, sending a sharp jolt of electricity through me because I feel everything. Even through two layers of material. Holy hell. I love his mouth.
Calloused fingers tug at the waistband of my leggings, slipping between the layers. The tip of his thumb teases the elastic band of my panties, and our eyes meet as he hovers above me. I stretch to close the distance. Craving the taste of his lips. At the last second, he pulls back and gives me the sexiest wink. It may sound silly, but my heart actually flutters. I love the way a wink from Scott leaves me feeling. It’s a simple gesture, yet it speaks multitudes. And it affects me. Deeply. Like down-to-the-very-depths-of-my-soul kind of deep. And when he does it, I feel as if I’m floating on air. Like I’m the only girl he’s ever winked at.
I reach behind me and unhook my bra then add it to the growing pile of clothes on the floor. A low growl rumbles in the back of his throat when his mouth opens to suckle my breast. I squirm beneath him as he works his way across my skin, leaving a trail of teasing kisses in his wake.
“Scott,” I whisper as the tip of his finger eases inside, swirling once before plunging all the way in. Deep “Oh, my. That feels really, really good.”
Our lips meet, my name falling past his lips before I feel his tongue teasing my lower lip. Lick. Retreat. Repeat. Then he kisses me. I mean, really kisses me. My tongue grazes against his, and I’m met with an appreciative moan. His kisses leave my mouth but continue a path down the column of my throat. Sampling my flesh. Lick. Suck. Taste. Savor. I’m high on his kisses and grounded by the heel of his hand grinding between my legs.
I feel the softest of nibbles on my earlobe. The slow pumping, combined with teasing flicks of his thumbnail across my sensitive nub send me over the edge in a matter of seconds. I thrash my legs against the mattress, trembling under his soft caress as sweat beads heavily on my brow, and soon I’m crying out his name.
Thank God, his parents and sister aren’t home to hear me.
“Sky, baby. I want you. Please tell me you’re ready to let me inside you?” he whispers in my ear.
“I think I am.” I nod and look away, unable to meet his gaze as my heart pounds frantically against my ribs. Warm lips trace the curve of my neck as he whispers soft, lust-filled words that trickle up to my ears. I know his words are meant to help me relax, but all they end up doing is reminding me that he is much more experienced than I am. He knows what he’s doing, while I’m a nervous, sweaty mess. How many girls have been in this very same spot? Am I the first he’s had in his bed? What if I mess up and say something stupid? Or worse, what if it hurts and I end up crying? God. How embarrassing would that be?
Doubt takes hold, and now there’s a war waging deep inside me. I want this. I chant this over and over inside my own head, hoping it will erase my fears.
His hand reaches behind me and pulls two condom packets from his beside table.
“Two?” My voice cracks.
“The first time is usually pretty quick and probably a little uncomfortable,” he informs me. “After that, we’ll take our time and do it right.” He kisses me with those full, damp lips. The same lips that have formed the words ‘I love you’ more times than I can count.
My mom was not right about him. He loves me.
Nimble fingers make quick work of dropping his jeans to the floor as I stare open-mouthed at the sheer size of his penis. It’s not that I’m surprised by it. I mean, I’ve touched him before. It’s just that I haven’t been this close to having all that between my legs. I’m not even sure if he’ll fit. How the hell does this even work?
Oh God. Am I ready for this?
Sensing a change in my demeanor, he angles his head to the side and studies me. “Everything okay?” he asks, rolling the condom on before settling between my thighs.
I kiss the corner of his mouth and work my way down his throat, opting for a minor distraction as a way to buy myself some time. Meanwhile, my heart is lodged in my throat and my stomach is doing that nervous fluttery thing it does right before a big test. This is what I came here for. To lose my virginity to the boy who winks at me. Kisses me silly. The boy I love. This is what I want. Right?
“Ye-yeah,” I stammer.
“Yeah?” he asks huskily, hooking his fingers into the waistband of my leggings and giving them a gentle tug.
Oh, shit.
My hands move to his shoulders before I stop him. “W-wait.”
“Jesus, Sky.” He pushes away from me, rolling his legs over the side of the bed as his hands cover his face to help muffle his frustrated groan.
“Scott?” I reach for him, and he stiffens beneath my touch. I hear him sigh before turning back around to face me.
“What?” he bites out before strong arms circle my waist and he’s murmuring an apology. This kind of connection is exactly what I’m seeking, but he doesn’t meet my eyes right away. It’s a subtle gesture, yet it feels like a knife plunging deep into my dread-filled chest.
“Please. Give me a little more time. I want this. I really, really want this. I just don’t think I’m as ready as thought I was.”
“I know, baby, and I want to respect that. It’s just… I get carried away when we’re kissing and when you let me touch you like that. God. Watching you writhing on my bed, knowing my fingers were responsible for making you feel that way. I’ve been dreaming of this moment for months. Guess it just got to me. You know?” His forehead rests against mine, and I watch, mesmerized, as his tongue passes over his lush, bottom lip. “I can’t stop thinking how good it’s going to feel to lose myself inside you.” Soft lips cover mine in a kiss filled with unmistakable need. “I’ve been so patient.”
“Scott.” My resolve softens, and I can feel myself caving to the sensual pull his voice has on my heart. I open my hand and flex my fingers. Inching them closer to his softening erection. His penis has touched me many times before. But never like this. Never down there.
“You know, Sky, this hasn’t exactly been easy on me. Guys at school look up to me. You know? As an example.” He looks away, rem
oving the condom before he continues. “We’ve been dating a long time. Hell, they expected me to score long before now, and they’ve been giving me shit about it. I’ve got girls throwing themselves at me every day. Girls I turn down because I’m with you. Then we end up here and I have to ask myself ‘Am I really with you?’ I mean… Fuck. I don’t even know what I mean anymore.” His eyes squeeze tightly shut, and with every beat of silence that passes between us, I feel my heart splitting in two. How could I have been so blind? And when he says ‘girls,’ I immediately want to demand he tell me all their names so I can go and scratch their eyes out.
My mind races, and I hear the faintest whisper of my mother’s voice reminding me this is all he ever wanted from me. I look up and find sincerity in his eyes. I want so badly not to believe her. I swallow the lump in my throat and do my best to tune her out. Despite my best attempts, a shiver runs through me, and I wrap my arms around my middle as a way to warm me. Then again, maybe it’s my way of protecting myself.
I’d be lying if I said I’m not curious about sex. Hell, most of the girls at my school have done the deed. Do you have any idea how hard it is to know you’re one of the few virgins left amongst your peers? It’s not as if I announce it, but rumors spread like wildfire. And teenage girls can be heartless bitches when a delicious piece of gossip is dangled before them. It’s that very reason why I’ve spent the last two years hiding in the library. Behind a book. Behind the lens of my camera. Behind the words I often write. Little did I know that’s where Scott would find me one October afternoon, changing up the life I’d grown accustomed to.
I may be a virgin, but I’ve touched Scott’s penis many times, and I have to admit, it’s a very nice appendage with smooth, velvety skin, and when he’s aroused, the tip becomes tinged with red. I like the tip the most. It’s fun to play with…
An idea comes to mind, and a devilish smile spreads across my face as I reach a hand between us and lower my head. “Would you settle for a BJ?” He pulls me back up to face him, a fistful of hair locked in his tight grip, and he’s not smiling.
“Christ, Skylar. What the hell are you doing?” he huffs and shoves himself angrily away from the bed. Further away from me.
“What do you mean? I thought maybe—”
“What? You thought what? You’d rather do that than have actual sex with me? What kind of fucking logic is that? Huh? You’ll let me finger you. You’ve jacked me off a few times, and now you’re offering to suck me off. You’re willing to do all that, but you won’t give yourself to me. If you weren’t ready, then why’d you lead me on? You knew this was what I wanted. I thought we both wanted it.”
I blink up at him, and my voice drops to a whisper. “I wasn’t trying to lead you on. That’s not what I was doing at all.” He yanks on his t-shirt and jeans then reaches for his shoes. “What are you doing?” I ask incredulously.
“I’m taking you home!” he snaps then turns toward me, using his hands as he talks. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of waiting around for you to make up your mind only to have you change it back. Just like that.” He snaps his fingers.
No. No. No. No. No! This isn’t happening. She can’t be right. Not about him. Not my Scott. Please.
My eyes scan the floor for my shirt and bra. I suddenly feel foolish and incredibly vulnerable. “Wait. You’re seriously mad at me right now? Scott, I told you this is what I want. Just not tonight, okay? And those acts between us were my way of showing you how much I love you. I know it’s not enough, but it’s all I can give you right now.”
Don’t let him see you cry.
The tension in his room is palpable, and I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around how everything turned to shit so quickly. Scott tugs at his hair while angrily pacing the floor. When his hands fall away, it’s left sticking up in all directions. My breath catches in my throat. Even angry he somehow manages to steal my breath. “When, Sky? When will you be ready? Will you ever be ready? Or has this all been some kind of sick game? You know I want you.”
I furrow my brow and snatch my bra off the floor. Curling my fist around the strap, I brandish it like a weapon in front of me as I speak. “Game? You knew how I felt about this, yet you still think I’ve been playing games with you? You know, this hasn’t been easy on me, either. You know how I feel about you. And if you honestly believe I’ve been using my vagina as some sort of secret weapon, then you’re out of your goddamn mind.” I reach for my shirt and yank it over my head, opting to forgo my bra. “I trusted you. You’re the only boy I’ve allowed to touch me in the ways you’ve touched me. I’ve been honest with you all along. You said you understood. You told me you would wait, no matter how long I needed.”
His expression softens before a frustrated groan sounds in the back of his throat. Stepping forward, he runs a hand over his face before he speaks again.
“Christ, you think I don’t remember saying those things? I do understand, but I’m tired of waiting. I like you, Skylar, but I want all of you. I don’t know what else I need to do to make you believe that.”
“Like?” Confusion and fear flood my body. “You like me?” I scoff. God. What is happening right now?
“I know you’re all caught up in your emotions and that’s what sex is to you. Feelings. The bottom line is that I’m a selfish prick and I have needs. Needs you’re obviously not ready to meet.” He pauses to look down at me before continuing. Voice strained. Foreign. “I think it might be best if we…Umm…If we took some time apart. See how we feel.”
A choked sob bubbles past my lips, and I cover my mouth, hoping to contain it, but it’s no use. Fat tears form at the corners of my eyes and there’s no stopping their betrayal as they trickle down my face.
“Time apart? See how we feel?” My voice breaks with each word. “What the hell does that even mean? You want to see other girls? Is that what this is about? Because I saw you with Rachel in the library.” He just looks at me, slightly confused but not denying it either before giving his shoulder a non-committal shrug. Irony bubbles in my chest, mixing with my despair, both threatening to choke the life out of me at a moment’s notice. “You told me you would wait. You told me it didn’t matter if we didn’t have sex, because either way, you loved me. You said nothing would ever change that. Now you’re telling me that you like me?” My voice fades to a breathless whisper, and I shake my head in disbelief. “You said all the right things, and against my better judgment, I believed you.” Watery eyes lift to meet the steel blue of his, and my next words fall quietly from my lips. “You lied.”
“I know. It’s just…” He lifts his shoulder once more before taking a step toward me. “I never meant to hurt you, Skylar. I hope you know that. Come on. Let me take you home.” Out of habit, he offers his hand, but instead of accepting it, my other hand curls into a fist that swings around to strike him smack in the middle of his beautiful, lying mouth. He looks to me in surprise, wiping away the trickle of blood running down his lip.
I glance down at my throbbing hand. The hand still clenching my cheap cotton bra. Right now, I want nothing more than to choke him with it. “Fuck you, Scott. You’re a selfish asshole and I’m sorry I ever gave you my heart, because you certainly don’t deserve it.”
“Sky, it’s really late. At least let me drive you home,” he offers quietly.
I throw my shoulders back and stride toward the door. “You don’t need to worry about me anymore. I’m a big girl. I’ll manage just fine on my own.” My grip tightens around the door handle. This moment. It feels so… Final.
I swallow the lump in my throat and look him square in the eyes. “Good-bye, Scott.”
***
My heart hurts and I just feel empty. Most days, it’s all I can do to make myself wake up and go through the motions at school. Every day, I’m hopeful he’ll come to his senses and realize he made a mistake. Maybe he misses me as much as I’ve been missing him. Which, by the way, is more than I thought humanly possible. Maybe it was all a ba
d dream and I’ll wake up and he’ll be waiting by my locker just as he always has. But when I get to school, my locker is just a lonely sheet of cool metal. No Scott. Only Memories.
It’s as if the whole school knows Scott Rivers is back on the market. Everyone seems to be watching me. Pointing as I pass them in the hallway. Sitting through third period is the worst kind of torture. We used to sit at the same table, but now, he’s switched with Parker Bradshaw and I’m stuck sitting with the biggest douchebag in school, while Scott allows Rachel Westin and her ginormous boobs to cozy up next to him.
Seeing the two of them together again is like rubbing salt in an open wound, but the worst part is, he hasn’t once come to me to talk about what happened. Oh, I’ve caught him staring a few times, probably hoping to catch me crying, but I refuse to let him see just how badly he hurt me. He’s texted a few times, telling me how sorry he is, but I’ve deleted every single one. If he wants to tell me he’s sorry, he’ll need to man up and say it to my face. I need to hear the words. Maybe then it won’t feel as if there’s this blanket of heartbreak smothering me. You know? Like one minute he was giving me pleasure, and the next he totally annihilated me.
As if I’d never existed in his world.
Every day, I wait to see if he’ll try to talk to me, but it never happens. His group of friends is constantly around, as if they’re trying to make it impossible for us to speak to each other. By the end of week two, I begin accepting that it’s really over between us. If he had any interest in getting back together, he would have found a way to speak to me. After all, he has my number. He knows where I live. I walk into school and head straight for the bathroom. My reflection in the mirror is proof I haven’t been eating or sleeping properly. My clothes are loose and all the makeup in the world can’t begin to cover the bags under my eyes. I hear voices outside the door and dash inside one of the empty stalls, hoping to avoid the stares and questions that everyone keeps asking. Everyone wants to know what happened. Why did we break up? There’s a lot of speculation, but it seems Scott hasn’t been wiling to support or deny the claims that have been made. As for me, I’ve retreated so far into my shell people have given up trying to approach me, regardless of their blatant curiosity. While hiding, I overhear Stacy Stevens and her groupies enter the bathroom, and right away they start gossiping.