One day, Jocelyn would see the wisdom in his plans and understand that it had to be this way.
And Aidan?
Well, he was as stubborn as his mother at times, but as a man he would understand the necessity of it. As his son, Aidan understood the absolute necessity of doing his duty.
Connor entered the keep and went about his tasks. Their journey would take several weeks and Aidan would stand in his stead while they were away.
Once they returned, the potential brides would arrive and Aidan would be too busy to worry over Catriona.
It was just the way of things.
Chapter Sixteen
The first week of his parents’ absence had passed and Lairig Dubh still stood as it had for ten generations. Its people lived on and everything had been uneventful. Aidan’s only disappointment was he’d been too busy to spend time with Cat. She visited the keep once, with Muireall, but she would not remain with him.
She’d finally accepted his invitation to come and eat supper with him this evening here. It was a near thing, for she said it was not her place. He thought that only using the boy she seemed to favour, wee Alasdair, to send the messages convinced her to join him. She did not, he suspected, want to give the boy the task of sending her refusal to Aidan. He cared not the method, he was only happy she accepted.
And yet, he wanted it to be her place.
He wanted her at ease in his home, with his family and his friends.
He wanted her with him, day and night.
But each day and week his parents were away meant he was one step closer to losing her. For each day they were away, it meant that the women, one of whom he would marry, were that much closer to arriving here.
Now supper neared and Aidan grew nervous. Would she come? When he approached the high table and the servants prepared to serve, he despaired that she would not. Then he saw her near the back of the hall with Muireall, ever at her side, and seated with some others from the village who’d had business in the keep this day. He began to stand, to call her forward when the hall grew silent in response to his action.
Catriona dipped her head then, the only one there not looking at him, and he realised she was embarrassed. Not wanting to make her more uncomfortable, he took his seat and nodded at the servants to begin. Gair sat at his side, discussing several issues, but he noted that her embarrassment faded as he watched her partake in the simple meal offered.
When she smiled, he did. When she laughed, he drank in the sound of it, wondering about the cause of it. When she took a few sidelong glances in his direction, he saw them and nodded to her.
‘Aidan?’
He sighed. He lost his ability to think when she was there and when she was not. He must learn to push her from his thoughts and concentrate on his duties. Turning to Gair, he waited for the man’s words.
‘I received word from your parents. The wedding is scheduled for three days hence and they will return a sennight after that. There is a message for you in your chambers, though I do not think it anything of a pressing nature.’
His uncle. His sister. His cousin Tavis. They had all recently married and their marriages had joined clans or made alliances stronger. It was the way of it.
It would be the way of his life and marriage.
He pushed aside what must be and thought instead of what was—Catriona was his. And he planned on keeping her, no matter what.
* * *
After waiting for a polite amount of time for everyone to finish the meal he’d barely tasted, he stood and walked to the place where he wanted to be. Everyone stood as he passed and he greeted a few of those familiar to him as he made his way down one long aisle of tables to her. She stood as well, head bowed before him, and she would have dropped further if he had not taken her hand and stopped her.
‘Come,’ he said. ‘I would show you the rest of my home.’
‘My lord,’ she whispered, allowing him to lead her though he could feel the resistance in her body.
Just as they approached the doorway to the tower where his chambers were, a group of warriors entered the keep. Recognising several of them, Aidan knew who else served as part of that group, recently returned from a mission escorting an important trade partner of his father’s back to the coast. When the group went off to find food and drink, one man remained in place.
Munro.
He thought he might get Catriona away before she saw him, but she lifted her head at the wrong moment and he knew from her stumbling step she’d seen him. Hatred filled the man’s eyes and he fisted his hands as he saw them leaving the hall together.
Catriona stopped then, out of surprise or some other reason, and the hall fell into silence, waiting to see how this encounter would go. Munro took a step towards them but Young Dougal and Angus intercepted him then, drawing him away with boisterous talk of food and ale and women.
He owed Dougal a debt of thanks for that. As he headed once more for the stairs, Catriona stood frozen, a desolate expression in her eyes.
‘Come now, love,’ he whispered, taking her arm under his. ‘We can speak more about this in private.’
That seemed to move her along so he led her up the stairs and into the tower where his chamber was. Twice they climbed until they reached the floor where his room sat. Opening the door, he allowed her to enter first.
Cat circled the large, very large, chamber, taking in the comfortable luxury in which the earl’s heir lived. She thought her cushioned chairs were so, but his furnishings put her modest ones to shame. She paced mostly because of seeing Munro here—or rather him seeing her on Aidan’s arm.
The hatred shining in his eyes was too much to bear and thankfully one of Aidan’s friends had stepped in to ease the tension of it. But now, her stomach threatened to empty and her head ached. She thought she might shatter from within. Cat stopped walking and looked for a chair on which to sit before she toppled over.
‘Here, sit,’ Aidan said, holding her and guiding her to one of the chairs. ‘I did not know he would return this day or I would have warned you.’ He left for a moment and returned with a fine glass filled halfway with an amber liquid. ‘Sip this, it will clear your head.’
The powerful whisky he favoured burned a path down her throat and into her stomach, sending fire, then warmth throughout her body. He sat next to her, watching her every move.
‘So you knew where he was?’ she asked.
‘Aye. He was assigned to guard one of my father’s allies—a man from Flanders—back to the coast.’
‘Did you send him?’ she asked. It would make sense. Once Catriona had moved into the house Aidan set up for her, Gowan’s son had disappeared from the village, easing things as he made her his leman in fact. ‘Is that what you do? Send people away when they are inconvenient?’ An impossible thought tickled the back of her memory, but she brushed it aside.
‘He made things difficult for you, Cat. I did not wish to see you distressed by his presence and his actions. You saw what happened just now. He believes you were unfaithful to his father and nothing will convince him of the truth,’ he argued.
‘He made things difficult for you...for us,’ she said. ‘Is that what you will do when I become a difficulty for you? Send me away?’
She did not know why she asked that question, for she had already decided she would leave him when that time came. Some strange mood held her in its control and she could not banish the worrying thoughts and feelings from herself.
‘I want you to stay with me, Catriona. I want you with me.’
‘And your new wife? She will accept this?’ Catriona knew how wives felt. She knew Gowan sought comfort in the harlots’ beds and she knew how humiliating it felt to her—even when his doing so was her fault. High-born or low, no woman liked it.
‘It matters not. You are the woman I love and I will not set you aside.’
The devil teased her now, prodding her to say things she should not. Or mayhap the whisky or the strange mood had loosened her tongue
and the words she’d thought about during the hours he was not with her. Once he married, he would be spending those hours with his wife. The woman who would bear his name and his legitimate heirs.
‘So you will keep me in the village and come to me from your wife’s bed? Will you wash her scent from your skin before you do? Or will the taste of her yet be on your tongue when you come to claim me?’
The words poured out then—all of the feelings and fears she kept within, exploring them only in the dark of night and all the while knowing in the light of day how it would be.
‘Catriona,’ he said, walking towards her. ‘This can work between us. Any wife will know of your place in my heart before we marry. She will have to accept it, for I will not let you go.’
She pushed out of his embrace and walked to the other side of the chamber, crossing her arms over her chest and rubbing her arms.
‘I knew that Gowan slept with the harlots to find the pleasure he could not find in my bed. I knew it was my fault,’ she stated plainly. ‘Yet that did not ease the humiliation from knowing it.’ Then the deepest truth pushed its way out. ‘And I did not love Gowan as I love you, Aidan. I know I have no right to say this, but it will kill me to share you, even with your lawful wife.’
She sank to her knees, unable to stop sobbing into her hands, as she admitted her greatest failing—not that she had failed Gowan as a wife but that she’d allowed herself to fall in love with a man she could never claim. She should never have come here this night.
He wrapped her in his arms and held her there, kneeling next to her, as she cried. All the feelings of hopelessness and pain and guilt and sorrow bubbled up and tears flowed. He whispered words and held her until the worst had passed. Then he lifted her in his arms and carried her to his bed. But, when she thought he would lie down, instead he held her on his lap.
‘You love me?’ he asked quietly.
Of everything she’d said in her emotional tirade, those words were what he’d heard?
‘Aye, you daft man,’ she whispered back, touching his face. ‘I love you. In spite of my efforts not to.’
He kissed her then, soft and sweet. Then he kissed her cheeks and her chin and her eyes and then her mouth again.
‘Say it again, I beg you,’ he pleaded.
‘God forgive me, I love you, Aidan MacLerie.’ He shook his head.
‘Just the words, Cat. Just the words.’
‘I love you.’
‘And I love you, Catriona.’
The world tilted then for her. Words she’d never believed she would say to a man, she’d said to him. After so many years of pain and suffering and loneliness, he’d given her pleasure and passion, a time to heal and a chance at a new life. Now, he returned his love to her.
‘Do not think of what we will face, Cat,’ he said, kissing her again. ‘Think only of my love for you and we will find a way through it all.’
He followed his promise with a string of unending kisses that left her breathless. Then Aidan eased them back onto his bed and he held her close to him. Some time passed and she tried to empty her thoughts of all the worries she had over the end of what they had now.
‘Stay with me, Cat. Stay with me this night.’
His words echoed into the silence of the chamber and into her heart. She wanted to refuse—she should refuse. Her heart decided the matter then. If she would need to give him up and walk away in just a few months, she would enjoy every moment that they did share. She would make enough memories that she could live on them for the rest of her lonely life.
Cat turned in his arms to face him, decision made.
‘Love me, Aidan. Just love me.’
And he did, drawing out each touch, every movement, until she lost herself to him. Undressing her with his hands and mouth and teeth and tongue, he drove her to the edge of need and madness for him. He moved between her legs and gazed into her eyes as he entered her. Her body accepted the length of him, fitting around him until she could not remember being a separate body from his.
This time when flesh filled flesh, there was no beginning or ending to either of them. Joined in the most intimate way, she let him in and accepted that love made this time different from all that had come before. Release came slowly, their bodies melded and she felt every contraction and shudder of his through her.
The tears surprised her. She did not think they were tears of sadness for she did not feel sad then. Catriona felt....
Complete.
Healed.
Fulfilled.
Strong enough now to leave him when the time came.
* * *
It was the darkest, quietest part of the night when he finally slept next to her. Their fingers entwined, his body tucked tightly behind hers, his arm draped over her, keeping her there. Their hearts beat at the same pace; their breaths matched the other’s.
And in that dark, quiet time and place, she decided to stay with him until his parents returned. Then, things would spiral out of her control or his and she would need to leave. Catriona would claim these next days as hers.
And she did.
* * *
Though she had left the keep to go and collect some clothes from the house, she remained with him. She would not sit with him at the high table, but she ate her meals in the hall from a seat much closer than the first night.
She discovered that she liked his friends, especially Dougal, Rurik’s son. They mourned the loss of their companion, but seemed to accept her company now.
During the days, she tried to keep herself busy and useful in the keep. The servants accepted her help, she knew some of the women from the village, and things went smoothly. She was careful not to overstep or make decisions that were not hers. Cat did not want it reported to the laird or the lady that she had assumed a position she did not have.
And the nights...the nights were filled with love.
* * *
On the night before his parents would return home, they retired to his chamber right after supper and talked and loved, knowing it would somehow be different on the morrow.
Exhausted and ready to sleep, the loud grumblings of her stomach surprised both of them.
‘Did I not feed you enough?’ he asked. They had shared food earlier, but little of it was eaten. Most of it had been smeared in places and removed in a delightful way she’d never thought of before.
‘We rushed through supper, Aidan. Worry not, for it will pass,’ she said, rubbing her hand over it.
Her appetite had grown steadily over these last weeks. So had her exertions, especially spending nights in bed with this younger man. He tired her out so much that she found herself creeping into his chambers in the middle of the day to rest. She would never tell him for fear he would not keep her awake all night long.
When it rumbled again, he got out of bed and searched in one of his trunks. Handing her a robe and pulling a shirt on, he held out his hand.
‘Come. I know where the cook leaves some food for those who arrive back later than supper.’
‘Aidan,’ she said, holding up the robe. ‘I cannot walk through the hall wearing only this.’
‘You need only walk down the steps,’ he said, pulling her hand until she slid off the bed and on to her feet. Holding out the robe for her, he waited as she wrapped it around her and tied the belt. It was too large and too long for it was made to his height and not hers. ‘I will carry you along the back corridor to the kitchens. Fear not, no one will see you.’
Once he’d made his mind up, there was no refusing him. She’d tried and lost that battle more times than she could count, so she let him take her hand and lead her down the steps of the tower to the main floor of the keep. He did scoop her up into his arms and carry her as he’d promised and they arrived in the kitchens without anyone seeing them.
He placed her on her feet and began collecting food from different bins in the larder and pantry. It was simple fare—some cheese, bread, dried figs and ale. They used a small table there,
one she’d seen the cook use, and he found two stools for their use. Her stomach quieted as she ate. They continued in companionable silence. Aidan would offer her more from the various plates and she ate more than she expected.
When it was time to return to his chambers, he took her up in his arms again and she wrapped hers around his neck. If anyone who slept in the hall saw them or heard them, no one acknowledged their passage along the corridor back to the stairs. He began to put her on her feet when the doors opened and people poured into the keep.
Gair came running down the stairs now, dressed and heading for the door. As he passed, he handed a length of plaid to Aidan, who looked down at his shirt and shrugged. Wrapping it around his waist without a belt, he at least was covered. Cat tried to get around him to go up to his chambers for her garments when the laird’s loud voice rang out.
‘Aidan, come and meet Lord and Lady Sinclair and their daughter Margaret,’ he said.
She wanted to sink into the shadows then. Caught unclothed with the earl’s son by noble guests and a potential bride, Catriona thought that this had to be the most humiliating moment of her life. Worse even than when the villagers spit on her after Gowan’s burial. With nowhere to go and no way to avoid being seen when Aidan moved forward at his father’s summons, she closed her eyes and waited to be shamed once more.
‘Catriona, love,’ he whispered.
She opened her eyes and found him in front of her, shielding her from the people streaming into the hall.
‘Go upstairs and dress. I will send someone to see you back to the village.’ She nodded and began to turn away, when he touched her cheek. ‘Remember that I love you.’
His father called him again, but Aidan remained there, like a wall, waiting until she was out of sight up the stairs. She ran the rest of the way, knowing that servants would be roused from their sleep to welcome the laird and lady back and to help in getting the guests settled into their chambers.
She dressed and straightened the bedcovers and the rest of the chamber while she waited. When the knock on the door came, she was surprised to find Dougal Ruriksson there. He said little, but saw her back to the house.
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