Cassie’s eyes popped open and she stared at her daughter's face. Jani's eyes were tightly closed, her expression earnest. It amazed—and dismayed—Cassie that Jani had picked up on Quinn's unhappiness. How she wished she could protect her daughter from further hurt.
Closing her eyes again, Cassie asked God why things had ended up this way. Why had He allowed Quinn to return to them in this condition? What should have been the happiest time in their lives was turning into the worst. It just wasn't fair.
"Mommy, I said amen," Jani said as she pulled on Cassie's sleeve to get her attention.
"Sorry, Baby, Mama was just saying a little prayer of her own."
"Will you go find Daddy now?"
Cassie nodded and bent to press a kiss to Jani's soft cheek. "I'll go get him."
*****
Quinn stood at the end of the dock. A soft breeze blew across the water causing goose bumps to pop up on his arms. He slipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans and stared out at the lake. During the first couple years he'd been a hostage, he'd dreamed of nights like this. He'd dreamed of Cassie joining him on the dock. Of sitting together, their feet dangling in the icy water below the dock. Of sharing dreams and hopes for their future. Of their life together. Now there was no desire in Quinn to do that. It had all been killed inside him. Nothing remained of him but an empty shell. The only emotions within his soul were ugly and dark.
Well, not all, he reminded himself. The one bright spot, the only bright spot was Jani. If it hadn't been for her he would have left as soon as he had let Cassie know he was still alive. Left her to get on with her life without him. Because he knew she'd be much better off. Why couldn't she just see that and make things easier on all of them? He was broken…an empty shell of the man she’d fallen in love with.
"Quinn?" For a moment, Quinn thought he imagined the soft sound of Cassie's voice like he had years ago but then quickly realized she stood behind him.
He turned but couldn't see her clearly as the trees cast shadows over her. Even without seeing Cassie he could sense the tension in her. He had always been able to sense stuff like that about her, but never before had the tension been directed at him.
“Jani wants to say good night to you," Cassie said softly.
Quinn nodded and headed off the dock. He thought Cassie might fall into step beside him, but when he glanced over his shoulder he saw her standing at the water's edge, her back to him. It was such a familiar scene, Cassie had always been drawn to the water when she was troubled, and yet so strange. He couldn’t believe how far apart two people could become when they had once been so close.
Turning his thoughts from Cassie he went into the house to see his daughter. Jani lay on her side watching the doorway, waiting for him.
"Good night, sweetheart," Quinn said as he bent to kiss her.
"Night, Daddy." Jani's voice was soft and drowsy. "I love you."
The words clenched Quinn's heart. He hadn't heard them in so long. “I love you, too, Jani."
He crouched down next to the bed and gently stroked her hair, watching as her eyelids slowly closed and her breathing deepened. He stayed for a few more minutes looking at the daughter he and Cassie had created out of their love. He wished he could find that love again, but it just seemed to be gone.
When Quinn finally left Jani's side he found Cassie in the kitchen. His first instinct was to climb the stairs to the loft and avoid her. He found it difficult to look at her and see the pain and heartache in her eyes. It was even harder to know that he put it there and didn't know how to take it away. He didn't think he'd be doing either of them any favors by pretending something he didn't feel.
Cassie turned around just then and saw him standing in the living room. "Do you want something to drink before bed?"
Quinn walked to the kitchen and pulled out a chair at the table. "I wouldn't mind a cup of hot chocolate, if you have some."
"We always have hot chocolate," Cassie reminded him.
As she began to prepare the hot chocolate Quinn looked at her, really looked at her and for the first time clearly saw the differences in her. Oh, there were physical ones that were obvious. She'd cut her hair a bit and put on a few pounds, both of which looked good on her. She was still a very attractive woman, Quinn acknowledged to himself, but for some reason it just didn't stir his heart the way it once had.
"Here you go." Cassie placed a mug in front of him on the table. She got another cup from the counter and sat down across from him. Her slender fingers wrapped around the mug as she lifted it to her lips and took a sip. "I know this might not be the time to get into a discussion, but I think we need to talk."
Quinn sighed. No, it wasn't the time, but then as far as he was concerned, he'd rather not ever have the discussion Cassie wanted. Unfortunately, he knew he owed her that much. They couldn't live in limbo forever.
"Yes, we need to talk." Quinn took a sip of his chocolate and put the mug back on the table. "Now is as good a time as any."
Cassie looked at him in surprise "Now? Are you sure?”
Quinn shrugged. "We need to talk and Jani's asleep so I think it's a good time."
"Of course, you're right. It is important we do this when Jani's not around."
An awkward silence grew between them as Quinn waited for Cassie to go first.
"What was it like?"
Her question surprised Quinn. It wasn't the one he had imagined she'd ask first. "Being hostage? Why?"
Cassie shrugged. "Maybe knowing more about what you went through will help me to understand the person you are now."
Quinn really doubted that would happen. Understanding could only come through experiencing it and he didn't wish that on Cassie. Still, if she wanted to know, he would tell her.
"It was physically rough at first. We kept on the move a lot through the wet rain forest. The bugs drove me nuts and I would constantly be slapping at them but after a while I toughened up physically and learned to ignore them the way the others did. I was never given much to eat. But then, they didn't have a lot so I guess I was fortunate to get what I did. Lots of rice and beans. Sometimes we'd have a bit of meat. It wasn't fancy, that's for sure.
"They kept me confined in a cage like structure for the last few years after we finally stopped moving around so much. Before that, I was tied at all times and someone was always with me."
Quinn stopped to reflect on what he'd told Cassie. He knew she must have been wondering how that could have changed him so much. He'd told her the easy part, but he wasn't sure he could tell her the rest. How could he put into words the agonizing mental torture he'd gone through? How could he explain to her how it was to never be alone and yet feel gut-wrenching loneliness?
Gazing down at the hot chocolate in the mug Quinn was reminded of some of the rivers they'd crossed that had looked similar to the brown liquid in his cup. He'd lost count of how many times they slogged through water trying to put more and more distance between them and whoever followed them. At times he'd wondered if anyone was actually following them. Were they out searching for him? Or had the thought of trying to pierce the canopy of forest to find him been too overwhelming for the searchers?
Quinn glanced up and saw Cassie watching him, her gaze reserved. How could he make her understand the loneliness that took over once the initial fear had faded? Within a day of being captured, the four missionaries had been separated and Quinn never saw any of the other men again. None of his captors spoke English and his Spanish was too basic at that point for holding any type of in-depth conversation.
He had missed Cassie fiercely and worried about what his kidnapping was doing to her. As time passed with no sign of release in sight, Quinn had begun to fear his life would end at any moment. He hadn't wanted to die. Even though he knew he was going to heaven, he'd wanted to see Cassie just one more time. He had held hour-long talks with God, pleading for release. Pleading for a chance to see Cassie again. Sometimes he'd sing hymns and choruses from church or recite the ve
rses he'd memorized.
That had gotten him through the first year but the constant fear and loneliness began to wear on him mentally so he'd begun to shut it out. He began to turn it off and his talks with God became shorter and less frequent. The music left his soul. By the end of the second year he'd succeeded in walling off any emotions and with each successive year that wall had only gotten thicker and more impenetrable, especially with the arrival of that final leader. He had succeeded in driving the last of Quinn’s emotions deep down within him.
Realizing Cassie was still waiting for him to continue, Quinn cleared his throat and tried to gather his thoughts. "I'm sure you heard from David that we were separated after that first day. It was difficult being with a group of men who basically held my life in their hands and yet I had no way of communicating with them. For all I knew, they were sitting around the fire at night discussing how they were going to kill me the next day.
"At first the days seemed long and endless but eventually they began to blur into one another and there were times I didn't even know what day of the week it was. And frankly, I didn't care. One day was pretty much the same as the other."
“Did you ever try to escape?" Cassie asked.
Quinn took another sip of his cocoa then shook his head. “I thought about it a lot. When you're held captive I think it's only natural you think about it, but I knew that even if I did get away, I probably wouldn't get very far. We stayed in the jungle most of the time with no discernible trails. Knowing my luck I would have walked in a circle and ended up right back at the camp. I figured it would be easier to die of a gunshot than of starvation in the jungle."
"Were there..." Cassie began then paused, chewing on her lower lip.
“Were there what?" Quinn prompted her.
"Women. Were there women?" Cassie asked, the words coming in a rush.
"As part of the kidnappers who took us initially? No. There were a few women in the group once we started moving. They were the wives of some of the men and took care of the cooking. For the last year or so we were pretty much in the same place so there were more women around. Kids, too. We were in a small encampment buried deep in the jungle somewhere."
Quinn saw Cassie chew her lip again, as if she hadn't asked her real question. Finally her gaze met his.
"I meant was there a woman...a woman for you."
Chapter Six
Cassie gripped her mug tightly. She wasn't sure where the question had come from but it had been a thought lingering in the back of her mind for a day or so now.
Quinn scowled. "You mean like a mistress or something?"
"Yes." Cassie hoped he couldn't hear the quivering in her voice. “I know that sometimes in situations like yours it happens.”
"Well, that may have happened with others but it didn't with me. Why would you even think that?"
Cassie shrugged. "You've been so distant since you came home. It's pretty clear the feelings you once had for me are gone. I thought maybe it was because someone else had captured your heart, as well as your body."
"I would have thought you'd know me better than to suspect something like that. I would never do that to you."
"The Quinn I married would never have done it to me.” Cassie ran her fingers along the smooth sides of the mug. “Everything I've seen since you got back tells me you are no longer that man. In fact, it feels as if you've gone out of your way to prove to me you aren't that Quinn. It's clear you lost your faith while you were out in that jungle, I just didn't know what else you might have lost."
Quinn just stared at her, his expression hard. It seemed as if he was trying to come up with something to refute her logic but couldn't.
"I would never have betrayed our marriage vows. Did I have the opportunity? Well, since you asked, yes, I did, but I never once took advantage of it. I wasn't even tempted. I may have lost my faith but my morals are still intact."
Cassie stood and took her mug to the sink. She turned on the water, ran some into the mug and swished it around before turning it upside down in the sink.
"I’d like to go back to the city tomorrow." Quinn said.
“So soon?” she asked.
“I want to see my mom. And I just think it would be…easier in the city.”
Cassie stared out the window over the sink into the darkness beyond. She wasn't sure how she felt about heading home. It certainly wasn't the way she'd envisioned leaving the cabin. She'd been so sure they'd be returning home as a family with their future bright ahead of them. This fractured relationship was not what she wanted to take back to her home.
She heard the scrap of a chair and glanced back to see Quinn standing near the table.
"We can leave after lunch if you'd like," Quinn said.
Cassie watched him turn to leave and then hesitate. He slowly turned back towards her.
"One more thing. I don't want to hurt you more than I already have but..." He cleared his throat. "I need some space. I'm going to stay with Renee for a while."
Cassie jerked back to face the window, her hands gripping the edge of the sink. She heard Quinn's footsteps leave the kitchen and was glad he hadn't waited for her to respond. Once alone, Cassie bent forward trying to contain the pain spreading through her midsection. His announcement had been a kick to her gut.
Steeling herself against the pain, Cassie straightened and methodically finished washing their mugs. She dried them off and put them back into the cupboard. Slowly she began to prepare the kitchen for their departure the next day. Two weeks had been shortened into two days…
How much more was she going to be asked to bear?
Cassie scrubbed the counter with more force than necessary. How come this is happening to me, God? How come you brought him home to me only to have him reject our marriage?
“Why are you doing this to me?” She forced the question through the tight muscles of her throat.
Cassie continued her questioning of God while she finished up in the kitchen. She headed for the bedroom to pack her stuff but detoured as she walked through the living room and headed out the front door.
Slow measured steps took her across the rough wood porch to the stairs onto the grass below. Without even thinking of her destination, Cassie automatically headed for her rock. The evening cool tried to pierce the thickness of her sweater, but Cassie ignored it. Just as she tried to ignore the coldness that had invaded her body, starting with her heart.
On the rock Cassie sat down and pulled her legs up to rest her chin on her knees. She gazed out across the water. In the past its serenity would have eased her tension but tonight a wind blew across the lake causing the water to ripple and become choppy. Just like her life.
Why, God? The question repeated itself in an endless loop in her mind. Why?
I am God. The words from a verse came to mind, interrupting the question briefly.
“I know You are God,” Cassie whispered, her words floating away on the breeze from the lake. “But why?”
Be still.
“Be still,” Cassie repeated. She was far from still. Her emotions were running rampant, her mind constantly seeking answers. Being still just wasn’t on the agenda.
"Cass?" Quinn's voice jerked her out of her frozen state.
She didn't watch him as he climbed onto the rock and sat next to her. In the past they'd sat together on the rock but never so close without touching. Never so close and yet so far apart.
"I'm sorry if my decision has hurt you. I didn't want to but right now I just need some space. I need some time to figure myself out without trying to figure our marriage out."
"What's to figure out, Quinn? We're married. We have a daughter who needs us. What are you going to tell her? She expects you to live with us."
Quinn sat silently for a few long moments before responding. "I know. I'll tell her in the morning. Somehow I'll help her understand this is best for now."
Cassie felt tears well up. "How is she going to understand when I don't?"
There was no response to her question but then Cassie hadn't really expected one. Something told her Quinn was as confused by all of this as she was. That was why he wanted space. Part of her understood but she didn't think it was necessary to stay apart. Cassie was so afraid that if Quinn didn't come home now, he never would.
They sat together for a while longer but the silence was uncomfortable and soon Cassie couldn't stand it. "Maybe I should leave Jani home from church with you so that you can explain it to her."
"Okay, I'll talk to her while you’re gone."
Cassie stood up and jumped off the rock to the ground below. "I'm going to bed. See you in the morning."
Without waiting for Quinn to respond Cassie headed for the house and the sleepless night she was sure lay ahead.
*****
Quinn watched Cassie walk away, her slender figure moving slowly in and out of the dappled shadows of the trees. Finally she disappeared into the cabin and Quinn turned back to the lake.
For the first time since returning, Quinn felt a pang of pain. A crack in the wall guarding his emotions. His head dipped. Why couldn’t he have just died out there in that jungle? He was causing nothing but pain with his return. His marriage was a mess because he just couldn’t find the feelings he’d once had in order to get it back into shape. And more than that, the future they’d once planned had been founded on their faith, a faith they had shared. A faith he no longer had.
Jani was his only bright spot, the only weakness he allowed in his emotions. But even with her there was still a part of him that was buried deep. The man who would have cried at the birth of his daughter was not there anymore. Those deep, overwhelming emotions were gone now. Jani seemed to accept him, why couldn’t Cassie?
*****
Cassie rose to bright sunshine the next morning. She wished her mood was even half as bright. She was in the kitchen making French toast for breakfast when Jani woke up.
"Mornin', Mama," Jani sang out as she danced into the kitchen. She looked so adorable with her slightly mussed hair and flushed cheeks. How Cassie wished she could protect her from what lay ahead.
Faith Hope and Love Page 8