With a shove of his foot Quinn set the swing in motion. He looked out at the sky, the black canopy sprinkled with stars. He'd stared at a lot of night skies over the past few years. Never had it looked so wonderful. He was finally home.
The back door squeaked and Quinn felt the swing give as Renee sat down next to him. As much as he loved his sister, he wasn't sure he was up for the conversation she was sure to want. She'd held her tongue earlier because Jani had been there but now there was no buffer.
They sat in silence for several minutes, the squeak of the swing as it moved back and forth the only sound in the dark night.
Not surprisingly, Renee was the first to break the silence. "I can't count the number of nights I sat out here and prayed for you. I knew that somewhere you were probably looking up at the same sky. I prayed that you would be safe and that God would bring you home to us. It took long enough but He finally answered that prayer." Quinn could hear the emotion in her words. "I'm so glad you're home."
"I'm glad to be home. To be perfectly honest I never figured it would happen. When they finally told me what was happening I was sure it was a joke. I was positive they'd shoot me in the back as I was walking away. I don't think I really believed I was free to go until I got on that plane heading out of Colombia." Quinn knew he'd never forget the feeling of looking out the window of the plane and seeing the thick jungle and knowing that it no longer held him captive. Freedom! Something most people took for granted was precious to him.
Silence settled around them again but Quinn could feel the tension radiating off Renee as she struggled to not blurt out her opinion.
"I don't want to talk about it tonight, okay, Renee?" Quinn said finally. "I know you want to tell me what you think about how I'm handling this and you probably want some questions answered but I just can't handle it tonight."
Renee didn't say anything. Quinn looked over and saw her head bent down. "Renee?"
She looked up at him and in the dim light coming from the kitchen window he saw the tears on her cheeks. "I'm just so sorry to see this all happening. My heart aches for Cassie. In one fell swoop she got her husband back and lost him again. I know you have your reasons for what you're doing but Cassie's like a sister to me. We've gotten so close over the past six years. Even closer than we were before you guys left for Colombia."
Renee looked out over the back yard, a distant look on her face. "We held each other when bad news came, when we would hear there had been a report that someone had seen you killed. I was there holding her hand when Jani was born, when all she'd do was call your name in the midst of her pain. She refused all pain medication because she felt if you could survive the jungle she could survive childbirth. And she was so sure you were surviving.
"I saw the joy and the pain in her eyes when she held your daughter for the first time. I wiped her tears as she wept knowing that you were missing it all. The morning the call came about your release she called me so happy, so ecstatic about you finally coming home. She wept with joy that finally the man she loved with all her heart was coming home. You know what she told me? She said it felt like her heart was going to be whole again. That ever since you'd been missing a part of her heart had been missing too.
"So now what does she have? You're home and instead of having a whole heart, her heart's being shattered by the very man who was supposed to love her forever." The tears streamed down Renee's face even faster. "I'm sorry. I know you didn't want to get into this tonight. I need to go before I say anything more." She stood up. "Your stuff is in your old bedroom and the bed is all made up. I'll see you in the morning."
Quinn watched her walk into the house without saying anything. What could he say? In the past he'd been blind to the suffering Cassie had been enduring. In his mind no one had suffered like he had.
Quinn stopped the swing and leaned forward, his arms resting on his thighs. Staring at the porch floor, he thought of Jani and her innocent prayer earlier that evening. She had expectations for their family even though she didn't really know how things were supposed to be. She'd accepted his decision to stay at Renee's easily probably because she didn't know any differently.
What was he going to do now? He couldn't stand to see Cassie in pain but he didn't know if they had a future. How could a marriage work between a woman of faith and a man who had none?
Chapter Eight
The knock on the back door startled Cassie as she mixed up a bowl of scrambled eggs. She looked out the kitchen window and saw Quinn standing on the back porch. The shock of seeing him there so early froze her momentarily.
Conscious of the fact that she'd done nothing but run a brush through her hair and was still wearing the large nightshirt she'd slept in, Cassie went to open the door. She hated for Quinn to see her at anything but her best but she could hardly ignore his knock.
"Morning," Quinn said when she opened the back door. "Hope it's okay that I've come by."
"It's no problem. We're just getting ready to have breakfast. Have you had any yet?"
Quinn shook his head. "But I don't want to be a bother."
"No bother. I’ll just add a couple more eggs. Come on in." Cassie stepped back to let him in.
As she turned from shutting the door, Cassie saw Quinn's gaze slide over her appearance. She was glad she'd taken the time during her long shower the night before to shave her legs. It was nerve wracking to have him see her in something that while modest, was still intimate wear.
"Sorry, I haven't changed yet. I'm still on vacation so I didn't take the time to get dressed."
"No need to apologize. If anyone should, it's me. I don't mean to interrupt your morning."
Cassie picked up the bowl from the counter and began to pour the eggs into the hot pan. "Quinn, you're welcome here whenever you want to come. For Jani's sake I don't want you to feel that you need permission to come by. I'll even give you a key to the house so you can get in if I'm not here."
"That's not necessary." Quinn shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "But I do appreciate you being so understanding about a situation that is not what you would like it to be."
Cassie shrugged. "It's out of my control and I've basically accepted that." After another bout of crying in the shower the night before, even though she’d promised herself she wouldn’t do it again. "For Jani's sake I'm going to make the best of it. And it only makes sense that you have a key so that once I'm back to work you can get in if Jani needs something. Although Renee has one so if you'd prefer to just use hers that's fine."
Jani's arrival in the kitchen prevented Quinn from responding.
"Daddy!" She shrieked with delight and ran to him. "Are you here for breakfast?"
"Yep. Your mom said she's making enough for me too."
Jani nodded. "Mama always makes lots of eggs cause I love them. Not as much as pancakes though.
"Why don't you two sit down," Cassie suggested. "The first round of eggs is almost done."
She got another plate from the counter and set it in front of Quinn. "Do you want a cup of coffee?"
"No thanks. I kind of quit drinking it. The stuff my...uh..." Quinn glanced at Jani. "The stuff the guys made was always so strong and when I had some stomach problems it made things worse so I stopped drinking it."
Just another change, Cassie thought as she got glasses out of the cupboard. Quinn used to drink several cups of coffee each morning.
"Would you prefer juice, milk or water?"
"Juice would be good."
Cassie put the jug of orange juice on the table and then got the eggs and put them on Quinn and Jani's plates. She poured more eggs into the pan before joining them at the table.
"Aren't you going to have some?" Quinn asked.
"I'll get some from the next batch. Right now coffee is good enough for me." Cassie looked at Jani. "Do you want to pray this morning?"
Jani nodded and quickly launched into a brief prayer.
"Breakfast always seems to bring out the shortest prayers
in Jani," Cassie said with a grin.
As she sipped her coffee Cassie found it ironic that Quinn had given up a habit she'd found. She'd never drank coffee when they were together. After she'd weaned Jani she had started drinking it. At the time it had been, in her mind, a connection to Quinn. As she'd sat drinking her coffee each morning and having her devotions, she’d imagined Quinn doing the same thing though they were separated by distance.
It saddened Cassie to think that this was just one more indication of how her heart and mind had created scenarios that were nowhere near reality. She'd imagined Quinn coming home and that they would have devotions together, sharing those early morning hours with only themselves and the Lord, and sharing the habit of drinking coffee. She'd even taught herself to drink it the way Quinn had, black.
Now she'd not only be not drinking coffee with Quinn but the likelihood of having devotions together was slim to none. Just one more disappointment.
Trying to hide the emotions that thought provoked, Cassie got up to check on the eggs. She listened half-heartedly to Jani's conversation with Quinn. Apparently Jani was giving the "I want a dog" spiel one more try.
Even though her appetite had vanished, Cassie forced herself to sit down and eat at least some of the eggs. Jani managed to polish off her plateful, as had Quinn.
"What are your plans for today?" Quinn asked when breakfast was over. He set the plates he'd cleared off the table onto the counter.
"I don't really have any," Cassie said as she put the dishes into the hot water that filled the sink. "Did you have something in mind?"
"I was wondering if it would be okay if I took Jani with me when I went to visit Mom."
Cassie nodded. "Jani loves to visit her even though she doesn't usually remember who Jani is. I'm sure she'd love to go with you."
"We're going to see Grandma?" Jani asked as she came into the kitchen with her plate.
Cassie took it from her. "Yes, Daddy wants to take you to see her."
"You want to go see her, Jani?" Quinn asked.
Jani nodded. "I love to see Grandma." She turned to Cassie. "Can I take her that picture I drew? The one of our family?"
"Yes, sweetie, you can take that to her. I think she'd enjoy it." In fact, Jani’s drawings covered the walls of her grandmother’s small room. They seemed to bring her a lot of joy and Jani loved to draw them so it was a mutually agreeable situation.
"I'll go get dressed." Jani spun around and skipped from the kitchen.
"I'd better help her. At least make sure she picks an outfit that matches," Cassie explained. "We'll be down in a few minutes."
It was more like ten minutes by the time they got back downstairs. Between coming to a consensus on an outfit and braiding Jani's hair it had taken a little longer than expected.
Quinn was waiting in the living room when they finished. "I just realized I can't drive there. I'm going to need to get my license renewed. Would you be able to take us?"
Cassie nodded. "As long as you don't mind waiting. I'm afraid it will take me a little longer than ten minutes to get ready."
"There's no rush. From what I hear, Mom's not going anywhere."
Cassie dashed back upstairs. She stood in front of her closet trying to decide what to wear. It seemed ridiculous to worry about it after Quinn had seen her in her pajamas but it did. Finally she settled on a pair of black jeans and pink T-shirt. A light coat of makeup, a quick turn of the curling iron, and she was ready.
The house was quiet when Cassie came back downstairs. She looked out the front window but saw no one so went through to the kitchen. What she saw stopped her in her tracks. All the dishes had been done and were sitting in a pile on the counter. Tears sprang to her eyes. That was something the old Quinn would have done. He had never hesitated to jump in and do what needed doing whether it was mowing the grass or washing the dishes. His thoughtfulness almost overwhelmed her.
Cassie took a few moments to compose herself before grabbing her purse and heading out the back door. She spotted Quinn and Jani over by the swing set.
They didn't see her right away so Cassie stood watching them together, all the while trying to ignore the little voice in her head that kept telling her that this was just the way it should be. She had to remind herself that this was the way things were at that moment but it was no guarantee how things would be in the days to come. Cassie knew she needed to remember that in order to avoid disappointment. She had to accept each situation individually and not set up expectations for the future.
Jani spotted her just then and waved.
"Ready to go?" Quinn asked as he and Jani met her at the bottom of the porch steps.
Cassie nodded. "As ready as I'll ever be."
The drive to the nursing home was short. It was one of the reasons they had chosen that particular home. But it wasn’t the main reason. She and Renee had both loved the huge windows that let in streams of sunlight. And then there was the large fenced garden that had flowers of every kind and wood benches under leafy trees. The fence enclosed it so there was never any fear of one of the residents of the home wandering away while they enjoyed it. It was perfect for Quinn’s mom who had always enjoyed her garden and being out of doors.
Cassie hoped that Esther was having a lucid day, or at least some lucid moments. It would give her such peace to know that Quinn was home safely. And it would be good for Quinn too, to be able to see his mom as she once was.
At the home Jani jumped out of the SUV and danced excitedly while waiting for Quinn to climb out.
Quinn leaned against Cassie’s door, sunglasses shading his eyes. “Will an hour be okay?”
Cassie nodded and glanced at the digital clock on the dash. “I’ll be back around eleven or so.”
Quinn stepped back and took Jani’s hand. Together they walked towards the entrance to the home.
Before pulling away from the curb, Cassie leaned her head on the wheel and said a brief prayer. “Father, I pray you will free the Esther’s mind from the bonds of her disease even for just a few minutes. Please let Quinn have this time with his mom. For both their sakes.” Cassie looked up and stared at the door through which Quinn and Jani had disappeared. “Amen.”
She really did want Quinn’s visit to go well. It had been hard enough for her to watch a once vivacious woman turn into a confused, almost child-like person. It would be even more difficult for Quinn.
Not sure where to spend the hour, Cassie ended up in front of Renee’s bookstore. She parked the vehicle and headed inside. Renee was behind the counter working on a stack of books but looked up when the bell over the door rang signaling someone’s entrance into the store.
“Cassie!” Renee left the books and headed for Cassie. “What are you doing here?”
“I just dropped Quinn and Jani off at the nursing home and had an hour to kill until they need to be picked up. I thought I’d come by and see how you were doing.”
“I’m fine.” Renee looked intently at her. “The bigger question is how are you doing?”
Cassie thought about brushing Renee’s question aside with a casual response but they’d been through too much together over the past six years. Plus, Renee was the one person who had always seen through her mask of courage to the vulnerable, hurting person beneath.
“I’m doing okay.” Cassie picked up a book and studied the cover. “It’s not at all what I expected but I’m trying to just be grateful that Quinn is home and that he’s safe.”
Renee took the book from her hands and set it back on the display. Cassie looked up and saw the compassion in sister-in-law’s eyes.
“I know. I’m grateful he’s come home too but I’m also struggling to understand the person he’s become. I don’t think all is lost, Cassie. Don’t give up hope. Our prayers brought him back home, our prayers will bring him back to your heart.”
Cassie nodded. “I’m trying to remain hopeful. Sometimes it’s hard but then at times, like this morning...”
“What happened this
morning?” Renee asked. “I was surprised when he said he was going over there first thing.”
“I was surprised too but it was just like we were a family, a real family, as we sat there eating breakfast together. And then...” Cassie’s throat tightened. “And then he did the dishes.”
Renee smiled her understanding. “Just like the old Quinn.”
Cassie nodded. “It’s like there are bits of the old him still in there. Maybe, just maybe, there’s a bit of him in there that remembers his love for me.”
“There’s our hope, Cassie. Things like this will be our encouragement. I can’t believe that God would have brought you and Quinn this far only to have things fall apart. I believe His plan is for you to be together as a family and will continue to pray and thank God in faith that that will happen.”
Cassie hugged Renee. “I don’t know if I’ve ever told you how much I appreciate your support and encouragement. I don’t think I would have kept my sanity over these past six years if it hadn’t been for you. Thank you.”
Renee’s eyes filled with tears. “You’ve been there for me too. I know we were close before and used to joke about being sisters even before you married Quinn but that is nothing compared to how close we are now. You are a sister of my heart. I love you, Cassie, don’t ever forget that.”
Emotions were simmering just below the surface and threatened to overflow but the ding of the front door interrupted the moment.
“Morning, Renee!” an elderly man called out. Mr. Norman was one of Renee’s regular customers and from what she’d told Cassie, one of her favorites. “Has the book I’ve been waiting for come in yet?”
“It came in yesterday afternoon’s shipment.” Renee went back to the desk. “I have it right here waiting for you.”
Faith Hope and Love Page 11