by Robin Janney
He laughed. “You look fine. Tired, but not bitchy.”
“That’s good to hear.” Angela wiped her hands on a paper towel and tried opening the jar of pizza sauce. Her hands slid a few times, but she didn’t ask him to open it for her. Finally, it made a popping sound as the seal broke and she began spreading it on top of the dough with a spoon. “Millie called me today. Said I could have her old Buick for a thousand. I told her I’d call her when the check comes in the mail and we’d set up a time to do the paperwork.”
“Good.” He nodded and popped another pepperoni in his mouth. Just so long as Millie didn’t ever mention the deal he’d worked out with the older woman so the price was within Angela’s budget.
“Do you like a lot of cheese?” she asked, opening the package of shredded mozzarella.
“I do.”
“Good, me too.” She covered the circle of dough with the shredded cheese, then held her hand out for the package of pepperoni he was holding. “Here.”
“I got it.” He came around the corner of the table and began placing the pepperoni on top of the cheese.
“Okay, just uhm…just put them on half. Pepperoni and I don’t agree with each other.”
“Will do,” he said with a smile. He continued with his pepperoni placement, feeling her fidget beside him a moment before turning and crossing the kitchen to the pre-heating oven. Her nervousness was kind of cute, and it made him feel better about his own.
“Oven’s ready,” she said behind him.
“I’m done.” He put a leftover pepperoni in his mouth.
She hurried back and picked the pan up. He moved to give her more room. He ate another, admiring the curve of her back as she placed their dinner in the oven. She straightened, blushing when she realized he’d been watching.
When she was done washing her hands at the sink, Angela asked. “Do you mind if I take a few minutes to change my clothes?”
“No, go ahead.” Another pepperoni found its way into his mouth as she passed by him, a smile on her face again. Something subtle had changed between them since he’d admitted to being her boyfriend. He didn’t have a name for it.
He searched around her kitchen, looking for cups and dishes. Once found, he set the table. It was cold out, but their soda was warm, so he opened the freezer looking for ice.
The phone rang.
“You want me to get that?” he called into her.
“No!” was the muffled answer. “I got it in here.”
He didn’t acknowledge her answer and continued filling the glasses with ice and soda. He could hear a muffled conversation, punctuated with laughter. God, he loved her laugh. Unsure what to do next, Craig sat in one of the chairs and checked the time. Midnight was well over an hour away, and he was hoping he didn’t lose his nerve to kiss her as the new year was born.
The beeping of an electronic timer began, and he rose again. Before he could get to the oven, Angela had reappeared.
“I got it!” she said, quickly silencing the timer.
Craig watched her again. Her skirt bounced just above her knees, the green material looked the same as the dress she’d worn Christmas Eve. The white top was a loose flowing blouse, the rim around the V-neck collar had a sheen to it. The bracelet he’d given her at Christmas was on her wrist, and a small heart necklace hung around her neck. He kind of regretted not wearing a newer sweater.
“You look nice,” he said as she placed the pizza pan on a heating pad in the middle of the table.
“Thank you.”
Her hair was loose now, and he reached out to tuck some behind her ear as she ran a pizza slicer through the steaming circle of cheese and pepperoni. “Was that your friend Michelle on the phone? You said she might call.”
“It was.” She took a moment to look at the table. “You set the table! Thank you. Sit then.” Angela took a seat and reached for the bag of potato chips she’d left on the table next to her pile of books.
He sat next to her, watching her struggle with the metallic bag. “Here.” She handed him the bag. “Michelle’s your best friend?”
“Yeah. Since we were twelve.” She pulled a slice of the cheese pizza onto her plate. “I haven’t seen her since she left for college. She got out of here and never looked back. I just wish I could have gone out for her wedding.”
“You miss her a lot.” He set the now opened bag of chips on the table and helped himself to both chips and pepperoni pizza.
“Yeah,” said Angela around a mouthful of pizza. “Sometimes I have a hard time connecting to other people. I’ve had a lot of people avoid me after I’ve had a panic attack around them. Michelle never batted an eye. Her father’s a war vet, and she recognized what was happening.”
“Did you have a hard time connecting with me?” he asked, folding his pizza in half and taking a bite. For him, the connection had been easy, he just hadn’t wanted it at first.
“Not really. You’re different.” She wiped pizza sauce from the corner of her mouth with a paper towel.
“How so?”
“You…understand.” She bit into her pizza again.
“So do you,” he said, around another mouthful of pizza. “Mmm, this is good.”
She nodded, her mouth still full. Swallowing, she took a sip of soda. “I’ve been wondering something.”
“What’s that?”
“I’ve never heard you mention your mother, and I was just wondering if she was still in your life.”
He had not seen that coming. But maybe he should have. He knew Angela was far more observant than she let on. “No. No, actually I never knew my mother. She had cancer and died giving birth to me.”
His girlfriend looked horrified. “I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”
He shrugged and reached for another slice. “It’s alright. We want to know each other better and it’s going to lead to some moments like this. If I’m not ready to answer a question, I’ll let you know and we’ll come around to it again. Same for you. If I ask you a question you’re not ready for, you don’t have to panic. Just tell me you’re not ready. Deal?”
“Deal.” She nodded, eating her pizza again. “Do you miss your mom? Or didn’t your Dad talk about her enough for you to know?”
“Dad did not talk about her nearly as much as we wanted. He remarried when I was about a year old and I don’t think my stepmother Veronica approved. Tim wasn’t old enough to remember much, just said she was nice.” He downed some soda. His heart was pounding, but he could do this. Craig only hoped he didn’t sound as bitter as he felt. “Her mom was my Grandma Annie. She’s the one who told us the most. She made my mom sound like quite a character growing up, kind of like someone else I know.”
Her face colored, and he chuckled. Pulling his wallet out of his back pocket, he drew out the faded picture of his mother he carried. “Mary Constance, but she was called Connie. Grandma described her as the happiest child she had, full of laughter and sunshine.” He held the photo out to Angela, who wiped her fingers before taking it. Watching her study the picture, he couldn’t help but smile. “Grandma said she was a romantic. She liked to do things like walk in a warm summer rain.”
“Do you?” she asked, holding the picture up so she could compare him to it.
“I don’t know.” He shifted in his seat. “I’ve never tried it. We’ll have to try it this summer.”
Angela nodded and handed the photo back to him. “You look a little like her.”
“So I’ve been told.” He put the photo away and returned his wallet to his back pocket. “Yeah. I miss her. I miss what could have been.”
“I’m sorry if I’ve made you sad. I think…”
He waited, and when she didn’t answer he prompted her. “Think what?”
“I shouldn’t say anything.” She drank more soda.
“Not ready?”
“No, it’s not that.” She glanced up at the photos on the wall. “It’s not my secret to talk about. Not really.” She took a closer look at the photo
s and stood to her feet. Leaning across the table, she straightened one of the pictures.
Thinking nothing of it, Craig checked the time. It was almost eleven-thirty. “Fair enough. Ready to start your movie?”
“Sure. Just let me put the food away.”
He hopped to his feet. “I’ll help.”
Together they made short work of it, turning the kitchen light off they moved into the living room lit by the lamp at the other end of the couch. Sitting on one end of her sofa, he waited for her to put the movie in. His girlfriend sat next to him after a moment’s hesitation and used the remote to start the movie. She handed it to him and motioned for him to put it on the small stand at the end of the sofa.
He complied and turned the lamp off. Shifting in his seat, he placed his arm around her shoulders. She was stiff as a board. “Angela?”
“Can you turn the light back on? I don’t like it this dark.”
Turning the lamp back on, he looked at her, as alarmed at her posture as her tone. “Hey, you know I’ll never do anything you don’t want me to.”
She nodded. “I know. It’s just…if you do anything, I want to be able to see you.”
“Fair enough.”
Relaxing into his one-armed embrace, she rested her head against his shoulder. Craig didn’t want to ask about it further, because he didn’t want her to tense up again. Not when midnight was nearing. Instead, he spent the time remaining enjoying this moment. Her body felt good next to him. It was a new sensation for him, and he was regretting his last slice of pizza because his stomach was doing somersaults to the beat of his racing heart.
The alarm on his wristwatch began beeping, and his girlfriend stirred. “What?”
He pulled his arm back to turn the alarm off. “It’s midnight. I thought, well…it’s a tradition to bring the New Year in with a kiss. So…” He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her forehead, knowing full well would happen next. “Happy New Year.”
She smiled and here was his moment. He turned his head to catch her kiss on his lips. One of them made a soft sound, he wasn’t sure if it was him or her, or if they both had made it. His heart had stopped, or was it racing?
Pulling back, he looked into her eyes. He cupped her face with his hand, his thumb moving lightly against her flushed cheek. His Angel looked so happy. He’d never seen this expression in either Katie or Veronica. He took her lips with his again. He meant to keep it gentle, but she was kissing him back and he wanted more.
His other hand moved on its own accord, or so Craig told himself. It found the bottom of her blouse and slipped underneath. His lips trailed down her jawline to her neck as his hand encountered bare skin and traveled upward. His hand trembled as it landed over her lace covered breast, her nipple puckering in greeting. She was so soft, so warm, and so pliant to his touch.
His lips returned to hers as he started to lean her back against the sofa, intent on going all the way. It wasn’t something he’d planned on, but he desperately wanted her. But then her hands came up to rest against his neck and it all came to a screeching halt. The rush of pleasure was too much…it was one thing to touch Angela, quite another to have her hands on him.
Craig pulled away from her, unable to breathe. “I can’t…I…no…”
“Craig?” Her voice was filled with confusion and longing.
He couldn’t look at her, couldn’t answer her questions. “I have to go…I’m sorry…”
And then he fled, leaving his girlfriend dazed and confused.
His breathing was still ragged when he parked in his own driveway. It was too much for him to process as he sat there, slumped over his steering wheel just trying to breathe.
“Fuck!” He slammed his hands against the steering wheel. Again, and again, and again. “Fuck! Fuckfuckfuck!”
What had he just done?
Angela hadn’t made a motion to stop him, or said anything when he’d been kissing her neck, so plainly she had wanted his advances and hadn’t viewed it as a violation. But it was anyway, wasn’t it? Because his girlfriend had trusted him to set the pace for this relationship, and he had started something he had been unable to follow through on.
His entire being throbbed with shame and longing all at once. No matter how Craig looked at it, he had just ruined the best thing in his life.
At last he was able to take a deep breath, and then another one. Was there any way to fix this? Was this something a couple could even work through? Removing the keys from the ignition, he hopped out of his truck and entered his dark home.
His house. Who was he kidding? It was still nothing but a dark and empty house.
Princess met him at the door, and he let her out to do her business. She seemed agitated and barked at him as she came back inside.
“I know, girl. I screwed up.” Flicking lights on as he moved deeper through his house, and he dropped into his armchair. He didn’t know what Kevin was up to tonight, had forgotten to ask during their last conversation. It felt as though his world was ending. He picked the phone up and dialed his friend’s number before he could talk himself out of it. He wasn’t sure if he was calling Kevin as a friend or as his therapist.
When Kevin answered, there were the sounds of celebration in the background. “Happy New Year!” A horn blew.
“Don’t you have caller ID?” asked Craig. He tried keeping anger out of his voice and was unsuccessful.
“What? Craig? Hang on.” The sounds of celebration and partying grew softer. “Sorry, we decided to have some friends over. There may have been wine. What’s wrong?”
He wiped at his eyes, trying to get control over himself. It wasn’t fair to be cross with Kevin; he wasn’t the one Craig was angry with. “I just ruined the best thing in my life, and I have no idea how to fix it.”
“Are you talking about Angela? Did you…it’s Craig, Sher, go back to the party. Craig, did you go to her place like planned?”
“Yeah, yeah I did. I thought I was ready Kevin, I really did. I had our first kiss all planned out…I kiss her forehead, she kisses my cheek…we’ve been doing that since Christmas. So,” he drew the word out long, “at midnight, I kissed her forehead and when she started up to kiss my cheek…I turned my head. And I couldn’t stop…it was…I was kissing her and touching her! Oh my God, I had my hand up her shirt!”
“And how did she react? Was she mad? Push you away?”
“No, she wasn’t mad.” Craig’s brow furrowed as her face came to mind as he’d last seen it. The confusion and the hurt. Would he ever be able to unsee that expression? He could still feel her kiss, her hands on his neck.
“I take it she had the same in mind for you?” his friend said with a knowing sigh.
“She did.”
Kevin didn’t answer right away. “Judging from your tone, I’m going to guess you didn’t have sex with Angela. Did you walk away?”
“Walk?” Craig’s disgust with himself echoed in the room; at his feet, Princess gave a soft whine. “She touched me, and I bolted. I don’t even know if the door shut behind me.”
“What am I going to do with you?” sighed Kevin. There was a soft sound, like a door shutting and his end grew quieter. “It is possible you had a flashback of sorts, Craig. Her touch probably triggered memories you don’t want associated with Angela. I can understand that. Angela would understand too once you explained it to her.”
Craig thought about what his friend was suggesting. And he wasn’t sure. “I don’t know. There was one moment, after the first kiss. I realized I’d never seen the happy look in Angela’s eyes in anyone else’s. Veronica’s eyes were always mocking. And then it was over. I was kissing Angela again, and it was like that night never happened. Until she touched me.”
His friend was silent.
“What do I do?” he asked Kevin. “What are you thinking?”
“So many things. If I knew Angela well enough, I would tell you to get your ass back up there and explain what happened. But I don’t have a good feeling about tha
t course of action. Instead, you need to listen to me.”
“Alright.” He waited nervously.
“Some of this we’ve talked about before, but I’m hoping you’re in a place to receive what I’m saying. I know this is personal, but I’m in doctor mode right now. Did you like what was happening? Before it scared you, did you like her touching you?”
Craig cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Yes.”
“That’s good, Craig. It really is. It’s supposed to feel that way. What you want to do with Angela, and she with you, is natural and normal. What you’re feeling is a healthy desire. I know you’ve been making steps to leave the past behind. Just the fact you’ve been able to refer to Angela as your girlfriend, not just to me, but to her and publicly is huge. I know this is a setback, and you’re not going to like this next…but it’s time you told Angela what happened to you. She needs to understand what’s going on, so if something like this happens again…you realize she’s probably not handling this very well, don’t you?”
“Yes,” he replied.
“Your best chance at remaining a couple is to confront this head on. Talk to her as soon as possible in the morning. Explain what happened and why. Because there is a very real possibility something like this could happen again. Tell her how sorry you are…for all of it. For going farther than you meant, for not being able to follow through. From everything you’ve told me about her, I think she’ll understand.”
Craig didn’t know what to say. He knew the truth of what his friend was saying but didn’t know if he’d be able to. “I…I’ll try.”
“That’s all you can do. You’ve made so much progress, Craig…don’t lose sight of that because of one misstep.”
“Yeah, well. It’s a pretty big misstep, don’t you think?”
32
F or all that has been gained, can be lost in a heartbeat.
At the start, Angela thought she had been dreaming. But dreams didn’t knock over chairs on their way out the door. Dreams didn’t leave the door open. Dreams didn’t leave you needing to fix your bra. It had happened.