by Robin Janney
“You were raped?” Horror filled her voice, but she didn’t move. Even her fidgety hands stilled.
“Yes. I was fifteen and…” His voice caught, and he didn’t know if he could go on.
“Do you want me to get off your lap?” she asked, coughing into her hands. “I meant it when I said no pressure…”
“Not if you don’t want to,” he answered softly. Relief filled him at her gesture.
“No. I like your arms around me.”
“So do I.” He tightened his embrace. “I want to experience everything with you, Angela. I just need to get better at communication with you.”
She made a soft sound. “Me too.”
“We’ll get there. And you don’t have to share anything right now. I know that was our deal, but right now it doesn’t matter. I love you no matter what.”
“You love me?” She covered her face with her hands.
“No matter what.” Her arms circled around his neck, her body shifting in his embrace. “Angela?”
“Is it for real this time?” she asked, hot tears falling on his neck. “If I say I love you too, will you disappear again?”
“What?” He pulled her head back, looked at her in earnest. Her eyes were glazed in a way he hadn’t noticed moments ago, but she’d been avoiding his eyes, hadn’t she?
“We’ve had this conversation so many times during the night…or like it. You never said anything about being raped, just said you loved me even if I was a slut. Every time I said I love you back, you laughed and disappeared. But you’re still here. Is this really happening?”
“How high is your fever?” Alarm filled him.
Angela shrugged. “I don’t remember.”
“Where is your thermometer?” He slid her off his lap back onto the couch.
Her face furrowed in a frown. “Kitchen, or bathroom. I don’t remember which.”
“I’m going to go find it. Stay…”
Her hand latched onto his arm. “No, don’t leave! You said this was real…”
“I’m not going anywhere, I’m just going to look for your…You know what, never mind. I’m going to call your parents and then we’re going to the hospital.” Craig stood, trying to pry her hand off. She had an iron tight grasp even though moments ago she’d been weak. He pointed towards the kitchen. “You’ll be able to see me the entire time. Okay?”
“I…I…okay…” Her hand released, and she turned on the couch as he walked away, watching his every move.
He picked the phone receiver up, grateful for the dial tone. He punched in the farm’s number and waited.
Maude answered cheerfully. “Good morning, Angela. How are you feeling today, sweetheart?”
“Maude, it’s Craig.”
“Craig? Why are you calling from my daughter’s phone?”
“I just wanted to let you guys know I’m taking her to St. Joseph’s. She has a really high fever.” He turned, looking back into the living room. Angela was still perched at the end of the couch watching him.
“How high?” Fear was plain in the mother’s voice.
“I don’t know. I don’t know where her thermometer is. High enough I think she’s been hallucinating.”
The older woman gave a little cry. “I told her not to wait to see Dr. Evans. Craig, if she’s already hallucinating, you need to hurry. I’ll call ahead, and we’ll meet you there.”
“Yes ma’am.” He ended the call and returned to the living room to gather his girlfriend. It was cold out…should he wrap blankets around her, or would the cold air help? He didn’t know. He wrapped one around her, those glazed eyes still riveted to him. “Can you walk?”
She stood up, took a couple weak steps.
But Maude had said to hurry, and her fear had only fed his own. He scooped the young woman up in his arms.
“I don’t like hospitals…” she said in-between coughs.
The winter air made Angela’s shivering worse. He hooked the door with his foot to shut it behind them. “I don’t like them either Angel, but you need to go.”
“People…” She coughed. “…die there…”
“Not everyone who goes to the hospital dies.” He set her down on the snowy ground long enough to open the driver’s side door of his truck. His mind wandered to his mother, to his grandmother. They had both died in a hospital. He helped her into the truck. “When my brother was fourteen, he had to go in and have his appendix out. He came out just fine.”
“Randy didn’t.”
He stood there a moment, looking up at her.
“I told him I loved him, and then he died. And you’d disappear whenever I told during the night when I said the same.”
He climbed in behind the wheel, shut the door behind him. The urge to hurry was even greater, but he took a moment to cup her face. “I’m not Randy.” He pressed a kiss to her hot forehead.
“I’m glad…”
“Me too.” He started his truck, throwing it into reverse. “Now, while we are on our way, why don’t you tell me about God? You said you were certain there is one.”
“Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”
Craig chuckled even as he peeled out of the parking lot, throwing icy gravel in all directions. “I’m fine,” he told her.
“You really want to hear?” Her breathing wheezed.
“Yes.”
“I died once, and I met Him…”
It was a fantastical story she told him. According to her – heaven was filled with flowers and streams and Jesus met her in the daisies to send her back to her parents. He was nice to her, told her not to be afraid, and she wasn’t. Craig didn’t interrupt her as she told her story, not even to ask how old she had been.
Angela was still talking when they pulled into the emergency lane at the hospital. He helped her out of the cab, handing her over to the emergency personnel at the door.
He stood there, feeling lost.
36
N umbness filled Craig.
The waiting area for the emergency room was about half filled, but he felt as alone and lost as he had in the emergency lane after they’d taken Angela from him. Even with her parents sitting next to him, he felt like an intruder. He couldn’t follow their conversation, just knew they were worried. Apparently, Angela had a history of running high fevers with pneumonia, which is what her mother thought she had.
A hand touched his arm. “Craig – are you alright?”
He blinked his eyes, looked at Philip. The other man’s brown eyes were kind. As concerned as they were about their daughter, they still had time to be concerned with him as well? “We were fighting,” he said, wiping at a wet cheek. “I…messed up, and I hurt her. I didn’t even know how badly until today. We weren’t talking. I didn’t know she was this sick.”
Philip nodded. “My daughter has a bad habit of withdrawing when she’s hurt and angry. She was like that even before Randy’s death. This isn’t your fault.”
“It happens quickly, Craig.” Maude’s soft voice came through to him. She sat on the other side of her husband. “Angela can be fine one minute, and then feverish the next. It was the same when she was younger, no matter how well we took care of her after she broke through the ice – she’d always get this sick.”
Philip was nodding. “My wife is telling you the truth, Craig. Angela might not have been aware how sick she is either.”
“I should have tried harder to apologize.” He sighed. “I should have done so many things differently.”
“We all have moments like that.” Philip turned in his seat, so he could face the younger man more clearly. “Every relationship does.”
“Ah, on the way here, Angela was talking about a time she died. What was that about?”
“Oh my,” whispered Maude, her fingers coming up to her lips. “It’s been so long since she’s talked about that. Not since the church laughed at her when she was nine. I’ve always wondered if that had more to do with her rebellion than her brother’s death.”
“She was four,” Philip began once his wife was done speaking. Regret filled his voice. “I was taking care of her while Maude took Randy to the doctor’s. I didn’t have the hot dogs cut up small enough. She choked.” The older man looked down at his large hands. “I couldn’t get it out. I called for the ambulance, and I tried everything while I waited for them…thumping her on the back, putting my finger down her throat…none of it worked. My baby girl wasn’t breathing when they took her. She lived, but the doctor told us how her heart had stopped. When Angela was able to talk again…she was babbling about meeting Jesus. Her story was enough for Maude and me to recommit our lives.”
“Why?” he asked, incredulous. “She was four. Why did you believe her?”
“Craig, Angela talked about running in a field of daisies near a farm. She described our farm, from the green shingles on the roof to the maple tree by the barn. She described the pond and the cemetery. She even talked about Barry’s Bridge. Yes, she was four, but Craig, she never set foot in this area until she was six.”
“She even described my grandmother,” said Maude. She cleared her throat. “Grammy died when I was sixteen. I’d never even talked about her to Angela. She said, this beautiful lady with silver hair in a pink dress gave her a drink. Told her to go play with Jesus before it was time to come back and to tell me to remember where I had come from. Grammy was buried in a pink dress.”
“How long was she dead?” Craig asked, tears were streaming down his face. He didn’t understand why.
“Over four minutes. The doctor said they were about ready to give up on her.” Philip leaned back in his seat, eyes glistening. “I know how it sounds. Crazy. The things she described, the length of time it sounds like…it sounds impossible. But there’s no other explanation for it. Our little girl was dead, and Jesus sent her back to us.”
“If…if I believe in Him again, will He send her back to me?”
Philip put his arm around the younger man. “It doesn’t work like that.”
“I know. It’s just…” Craig took a deep breath, truth pouring out of him under the unassuming gaze of his girlfriend’s father. “Would He even want me back after I’ve blamed Him for everything? For taking my mother before I knew her? For letting my stepmother rape me? And my brother. For not stopping my brother from raping and murdering women who looked like her?”
Praying for guidance, Philip took the tissues his wife was handing him and passed them to Craig. “I don’t know why any of those things happened, Craig – but we all have those questions. You’re not alone in that. Why did my wife’s grandfather molest her sisters, but not her? Why did my sister take her own life when she had this beautiful baby girl who needed her? Why did He send Angela back to us, but not Randy? We don’t have the answers to those questions, no more than you do for yours. We trust Him anyway. The only question I can answer is: He would take you back in a heartbeat. He is a God of second chances.”
Second chances. Isn’t that what he had wanted from Angela?
Craig sat forward in his seat. He blew his nose into a tissue. “What do I have to do? What do I have to say?”
“Words aren’t necessary, Craig,” Maude said.
“It’s a matter of the heart,” agreed Philip. “You’ve already made your decision. If you want to say something, just say whatever’s on your heart. We can step out if you want, find somewhere more private.”
Craig shook his head. “No. Just give me a minute.” Peace filled him, even amid despair. Angela might still die, but he had to do this. He had run long enough. He closed his eyes, conscious of Philip and Maude both lowering their heads. “Father in heaven, I’m turning back to You. Hoping to find forgiveness, hoping to find You again. Whatever life I have left, is yours. A-amen.”
The three sat there a moment in silence.
“Feel better?” Philip asked.
“Somewhat. I hope she lives,” said Craig. “I have so much to make up for.”
Philip nodded. “We hope so too.”
The three waited in a comfortable silence, but thankfully their wait soon came to an end.
“Here comes Dr. Evans,” said Maude, finding her feet.
“Come with me,” the doctor said, barely halting in front of them. He clearly expected them to follow and follow quickly. “We need to talk.”
The room he led them to was small, with just enough chairs for them all to sit. The doctor leaned over his knees, looking defeated.
“I’m not going to sugarcoat this…we’ve been here too many times before. Angela has severe bronchial pneumonia.”
Maude let out an agonized moan of, “Oh my God,” even as Philip winced and said, “Not again.”
“What exactly does that mean?” Craig asked. “I’m still new to this.”
Evans regarded him seriously. “It means she has pneumonia in both lungs. It may be from water she inhaled from her dip, it may be something she picked up in here in the ER after her car accident. We may never know. She should have been in to see me as soon as she started coughing. I will have some stern words for Angela when she’s able to handle them. Her temperature topped out at 106.2 degrees about half an hour ago. I won’t say her fever’s broken, but it’s on the way down. She’s still in danger of heart failure, but she’s being watched closely. This is by far the worst I’ve seen her. She’s torn her IV’s out twice and has been scratching at herself, so we’ve had to restrain her.”
“How long do you think it’ll last this time?” Maude asked.
Evans shook his head. “It all depends on how quickly we can get her temperature down. The harder she fights us, the longer it’ll be. Given the condition she’s in, it could be months before she’s back to good health.”
“The condition she’s in?” Philip asked for clarification.
“Nothing you don’t already know. She’s malnourished and exhausted. It may be the reason why her immune system wasn’t strong enough to fight this off. If she could be talked out of attending college this semester, it would do her a lot of good.”
“What about work?” asked Craig, leaning back in his chair. “I have a lot of pull with her boss. Tell me what I have to do.”
“I don’t have a simple answer for you, Craig. If it was just her job, I’d have no problem. It’s the combination of everything weighing her down. Given her drive to help with the farm payments, I suspect she’d be willing to put her schooling on hold. If she keeps trying to do it all, we’re going to lose her. Normally, she only goes through a bottle of sleeping pills a year. She’s asked for the prescription to be renewed twice since September. No matter what, if Angela returns to work, it won’t be for two or three weeks after she’s out of the hospital, and then only if the work load is light.”
Craig nodded. “I’d fire her, but she’d probably just find a different job with a boss I have no influence over.”
“I agree. I don’t think firing her is the best solution.” He drew a deep breath. “Keep her hours short, her work light, and don’t let her back until I say so. You three are the only ones I’ll allow see her right now, and Pearl if you give her a call. I don’t care if you stay all night, but you’ll have to keep the visits short until they’re able to stop sponging her down. Even after she gets out of Intensive Care, keep her brother and sister away. They’re exposed to too much at school and we don’t need anything carried in to her.”
“We understand,” said Philip.
Evans rose to his feet. “Come, I’ll take you to her.”
They stood, intent on following, but the doctor stepped close to Craig and placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Craig, I know you’ve never seen her like this, but I need to warn you…this is going to be hard. I don’t have enough words to prepare you for any of this.”
Craig nodded. His look included them all. “I love her. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Good.”
J udy Saxton bathed the young woman tied down to the bed. The water she was using was cool, and she’d been to
ld not to worry about getting the bottom sheet wet.
“It’s alright, Angela,” she said to the struggling woman, trying to keep her voice soothing. “I’m not going to hurt you. This is to help you.”
“You shouldn’t be touching me like this Derek,” her patient wheezed, struggling against her restraints. “It’s not right. You need to stop. I want you to stop. Stop touching me.”
“It’s to help you,” the aide repeated. At least her patient wasn’t having a full flashback. It had been unnerving to see tears sliding down Doctor Evans cheeks when he’d been helping them try to calm her through the last one. “You don’t even see me, do you?” Of course she didn’t, otherwise she wouldn’t be calling her Derek. “I can’t even tell Aunt Maeve you’re in here either.”
“Maeve? Is she here? Maeve…”
“No, Angela, I’m sorry.” But at least the mention of her aunt had been enough to cease her patient’s struggles. She placed wet compresses around Angela’s body at strategic pulse points. There was a knock on the door as it opened, and Judy was grateful she’d remembered to pull the curtain across the room. “Just a moment,” she said. “I have to cover her.”
Dr. Evans stepped around the curtain anyway. His hand dropped to the patient’s wrist below the ties even though his eyes studied the computer readouts. “It’s still too fast.”
“She won’t rest,” she told the doctor while covering Angela with a damp sheet. The doctor nodded in acknowledgement.
“There’s no time,” Angela said. “There’s no time…”
“You have all the time in the world, Angela,” the doctor said to her. He looked down at her. “Are you going to give us a hard time?”
“Why don’t you just let me die? Please…” the young woman pleaded.
“Because I like having you around,” Dr. Evans answered her, keeping his steady gaze on her until her eyes fluttered shut and he turned his gaze to Judy. “She has family to see her. Standard rules, perhaps bent a hair for the boyfriend. I’ll be back later.”