“I don’t hate you, Mark,” she said. “I forgive you.”
She looked at Sawyer and smiled. “I can finally forgive.”
CHAPTER 30
Norman’s palms dampened as he fastened his vest. Today’s church service would change everything. His relationship with his wife, his son, and hopefully with God.
He had already talked to Bishop Esh yesterday. The man had been shocked, but ultimately agreed with Norman’s decision. “It’s not only the right thing to do,” the bishop had said.
“It’s the only thing to do.”
But while Norman exuded the confidence of a man sure of himself, his heart threatened to burst out of his chest. Was this how Adam felt, when he’d made his confession in front of the church? Norman should have supported his son more that day. He should have done so many things differently. Today was the first step in putting the past permanently behind him.
He put on his black hat. Carol walked into the room.
“You look nice.”
He turned and faced her. She had a sad smile on her face. Since their talk last week, not much had changed between them. The distance was still there. His sin had permeated so much of their lives. He hadn’t known. Or perhaps he had, and chose to ignore it.
He walked toward Carol. His wife. His helpmate. His memories traveled back to when they first met. She’d been the prettiest maedel at the singing that night. Shy, soft-spoken. But soon he found out underneath the shyness was a strong, faithful woman. She had dealt with three miscarriages after Adam was born. God’s decision for them to have only one child hadn’t put a wedge in their marriage. It had drawn them closer.
Norman had driven in the wedge that now existed. Today he would yank it out. “Ready?”
She nodded. “Let me just get my shawl. It’s downstairs.”
“I’ll get the buggy.”
Carol turned. Norman touched her shoulder. “Lieb?”
She froze. “You haven’t called me that in a long time.”
“I know.” He kissed her cheek. “And I’m sorry. For so many things.”
She looked away. “I can’t do this. Not now.” She pulled away from him, leaving him surrounded with silent loneliness.
Hopefully that would change after today. He prayed it would.
Adam entered Aaron Detweiler’s barn, filing in after several men to their side of the building for the start of the service. As usual he had driven Emma and Leona to church. They were seated on the other side of the barn with the rest of the women. He couldn’t see Emma from where he was at the far end of the bench.
He blew out a breath, a puff of white steam hovering in the air. It wouldn’t be long before they would have to move services into family homes. He’d rather be cold in the barn than cooped up inside a house, elbow to elbow with everyone else.
He searched for his parents. Didn’t see a sign of them. They had been quiet this week. Distant. He’d given up trying to figure them out. He had his own relationship to focus on. His future with Emma. He loved his parents, but he couldn’t forgo his own happiness for them. He had to lay their burdens at God’s feet. Only God could fix what was broken.
The singing started. He stood, still looking for his father. As a deacon, his daed usually sat near or at the front. But he wasn’t there this morning. He must have decided to sit somewhere else. The rise and fall of the worship chant filled the church, and he added his voice to everyone else’s and tried to focus on the service.
After the singing the bishop stood. He then called Adam’s father to the front of the church.
What was this about?
Norman faced the congregation. “Two months ago, mei sohn, Adam, stood here and asked you for forgiveness.” He swallowed. “Today I ask you for the same.”
Adam’s mouth dropped open as his father confessed his sin. He’d kissed Emma’s mother? Adam felt the gazes of some of the men around him. Did Emma know about this? Worse, did she think he knew and had kept another secret? He had to fight not to look for her. Instead, he kept his eyes straight ahead. He wouldn’t embarrass his father by making a scene. Having been in the same position, albeit for a different reason, he knew how hard this had to be for his father.
No. It had to be harder. His daed was a deacon. Held up to a different standard. And he was admitting not only to sinning with another woman but to abusing his position.
When his father finished, he sat down. Not in the front, but two rows back, at the end. Like Adam, he kept his gaze straight ahead. Chin lifted. Strong. Yet Adam could see his father’s shoulders shaking.
Adam held his breath as he waited to see if the congregation forgave his father. As expected, they did. And they would say they forgot.
But how did someone forget this?
The service continued, but Adam’s mind wandered. His heart ached for his mamm. Did she know about this? It would certainly explain her strange behavior.
At last the service ended, but even then Adam couldn’t move. He didn’t know who to seek out. His father? His mother? Emma? He sat there, unable to decide, as everyone left the barn for the midday meal at the Detweilers’.
“Adam?”
He looked up to see Emma standing there. He jumped from the bench, wishing he could pull her into his arms. Yet he couldn’t, not here. Her gaze mirrored what he felt. She embraced him with her eyes. That would have to be enough.
“Emma . . . I didn’t know.”
“I know.” She lowered her voice. “I didn’t either, until Grossmammi told me.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t feel it was my place.”
“So you let this blindside me?”
Emma sighed. She took a step toward him. “Adam, I understand you’re upset.”
“I’m not upset. I’m—” He turned from her. He didn’t know what he was.
“I thought about telling you. But I realized you needed to find out from your father.”
His shoulders slumped. He pushed his black hat back and looked at Emma. “I’m not mad at you.”
“Are you mad at your daed?”
Adam shook his head. “That would make me a hypocrite, don’t you think?” He looked at Emma. “I don’t think anything worse of your mamm.”
Emma let out a puff of frosty air. “Gut. I don’t either. She made a mistake.”
“They both did.” He looked at the front of the church. “I know how he felt up there. That had to be the hardest thing he’s ever done.”
“Are you going to talk to him about it?”
Adam turned to Emma. He paused. “I think we both need to talk to him. And mei mamm. It’s time for this to be over.”
Carol looked out the window as they drove home from church.
Norman had attached the winter shield to the front of the buggy this morning and had put the softest lap robe they owned on her side of the seat. On their way to church this morning, she had thought his desire to make her comfortable was a ploy. But she hadn’t been prepared for his public confession.
Now, sitting next to him, snuggled in the sea-blue lap robe and protected from the chilly wind by the winter shield, she couldn’t speak. All she could do was stare out into the countryside as they slowly made their way back home. The clop of the horse’s hooves echoed in her ears.
Why had he done it? She hadn’t pressured him to repent in front of everyone. She truly thought they would both take the secret to their graves.
“Warm enough?” Norman asked. He tapped the back of the horse’s flank with the reins. The horse didn’t have a name.
Norman didn’t believe in getting attached to the animals.
“Ya.” She glanced at his profile, expecting to see the tension that had creased his face for so many months. But he looked almost youthful. Like the man she had loved and married so many years ago, rather than the one she’d lived with for the past few years.
“Gut.”
She waited to see if he’d say anything more. Ask her questions. Seek her approval for what
he’d done. He remained silent.
But she couldn’t, not for much longer. “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you make a public confession?”
“Because I had to.” He looked at her for a moment before turning his attention to the road. “I should have done so a long time ago.”
He didn’t say anything else the rest of the ride home. She didn’t know what to think.
He pulled into the driveway. Adam hadn’t followed, and she hadn’t sought her son out after church. When Norman had asked if they could leave right after the service, she had quickly agreed. She already felt the curious and, in some cases, pitying gazes of her friends and extended family. She didn’t want to stick around and answer their questions.
Norman dropped her off in front of the house. She went inside to prepare Sunday lunch—cold cuts sandwiches, pickles, cold tea. She had set the table by the time he walked into the kitchen. He nodded and they both sat down. Bowed their heads.
Said their silent prayer of thanks.
Carol looked up. Norman took a big bite of his sandwich.
She couldn’t touch hers. “Norman?”
“Ya?”
“Will things ever be the same between us?”
Norman paused. Put down his sandwich. He rose from his chair and sat in the seat next to her. He took her hand into his rough one. “Nee,” he said softly. “I don’t think they will.”
Her heart lurched. “I see.”
“I’m hoping we can make it better.” Norman took her other hand and gripped both of them in a tight yet gentle hold. “I’m hoping today is a step toward that. I know now that I had to ask God’s forgiveness, publicly and with true repentance, before I could ask for yours.”
His image blurred in front of her. “That had to be difficult.”
“It was. But now I feel . . . free.” He released her hands.
“Still, I won’t feel complete until you’ve forgiven me. And I don’t expect that to happen right away.”
She gazed into the eyes of her husband. Remembered when she first fell in love with him. The qualities she’d been attracted to then—his quiet strength, seriousness of purpose, and unrelenting work ethic—paled in comparison to what he was showing her now. A complete absence of pride. A stripping down of his soul. A courage she didn’t know he possessed.
Tears flowed freely down her cheeks. She touched his face.
“I forgive you, Norman. How can I not?”
His eyes swam with tears. “Danki.” He choked on the word and buried his head in her hands. “Danki, mei lieb.” He lifted his head and gazed at her. Moved his mouth closer to hers.
A thrill she hadn’t felt in years drifted down her spine. She expected his kiss. Reveled in anticipation of it. She closed her eyes, ready to accept her husband’s demonstration of his love.
The front door slammed. They jerked apart as Adam and Emma came into the room. For the first time since her son had returned to Middlefield, she wished he hadn’t come home. Not for the next five minutes, anyway.
“Mamm. Daed.” Adam looked at both of them. “Is everything all right?”
Carol wiped her eyes. “Ya.” She looked at her husband.
Her love. “Everything is perfekt.”
CHAPTER 31
During the second week of January, Laura watched as Adam and Emma exchanged vows in the Shetlers’ living room. The ceremony was similar to ones she’d been to in Tennessee. The room was packed, and everyone was smiling. Especially the bride and groom. She was glad for Emma and Adam. They deserved their happiness.
Adam’s hair had grown out enough to be visible underneath the edge of his hat. He looked handsome in his dark suit, his smile nearly as wide as his face. But Emma was the stunner. Her rosy cheeks bloomed as she stood next to Adam, and there was a glow to her complexion Laura had never seen before.
She glanced at Sawyer, sitting next to her. He was in full Amish dress today and looked more handsome than she’d ever seen him. After Mark had been taken into custody, she and Sawyer had gone to the police station together to press charges. She would have to testify to make sure Mark served time for what he did to her, her family, Adam, and the Yoders. But at last she felt free.
The ceremony ended and everyone dispersed.
“I’ll be right back,” Sawyer said. He gave Laura a grin that warmed her to her toes. He left to join a few of the other men as they stood around Adam, congratulating him. Even though he had yet to join the church, he looked like he belonged. She felt like she belonged here too.
“Hi, Laura.”
She turned. It was Katherine Yoder.
After Mark’s arrest, Laura had written to her parents saying that she would be staying in Middlefield awhile longer. And during that time, Katherine had been patiently teaching her how to quilt.
“I’ve been working on those squares,” she said. “I still can’t get the stitches straight.”
“It takes practice.” Katherine sighed and looked around the room.
“Are you all right?” Laura asked.
“I’m fine. Just tired of all the weddings.”
Laura lifted her brows. “How many have you been to?”
“More than my share.” She smiled, but her eyes remained filled with regret. “I wonder when it will be my turn.”
Laura couldn’t imagine why someone as pretty and sweet as Katherine was still unmarried. “It will, Katherine.” She smiled. “I know you’ll be married soon.”
“That’s what everyone tells me.” Katherine looked away. Her auburn hair peeked from beneath her white kapp. “Like you, they’re just being nice.”
“Actually, I was being honest.”
Katherine smiled. “Danki.” Her gaze went past Laura’s shoulder.
Laura turned, following Katherine’s line of sight. Johnny Mullet stood across the room, talking to a young woman. Katherine’s eyes held a mix of pain and longing that was all too familiar. “We should see if they need some help in the kitchen.”
Katherine hesitated. “Gut idea,” she finally said.
Late into the evening, the last guest went home. Laura was in the kitchen cleaning the remaining dishes when Leona walked in.
“Danki for all your help.” The old woman plopped into the chair.
Laura turned around, her hands covered in soapy bubbles. “Washing dishes isn’t much.”
“It is when the rest of us are exhausted.” Leona smiled. “It was a gut wedding, ya?”
“Ya.” She went back to the dishes. She didn’t ask where Adam and Emma were. They had already moved their things into Emma’s parents’ old room the day before. It would feel strange having Adam here in the house. But that wouldn’t matter to Laura. She didn’t plan to be here much longer.
She dried the last dish, lost in her thoughts. When she finished wiping down the counter, she turned and saw Leona still sitting there. “Sit,” Leona said, patting the chair next to her. “I’d like to talk with you.”
Laura sat down. “I’ve wanted to talk to you too.”
Leona nodded. “I thought so. Would it have to do with your future plans?”
“Ya. It would.”
“Before you say anything, I want you to know that you’re welcome here. As long as you want.”
“I appreciate that.”
“But I also have to ask—aren’t you missing home?”
Laura rubbed her thumb against her opposite forefinger. “I am. But I promised someone I would stay here a little while longer.” She couldn’t help but smile.
Leona grinned back. “He’s a gut mann. I hear he’s been talking with the bishop about joining the church.”
“Ya. But before he makes it official, he wants to visit his grandmother one more time.”
“I heard she’s an interesting fraa.”
“That’s putting it nicely.”
Leona leaned on her cane and hoisted herself from the chair.
“Time to get these old bones to bed. Guten nacht.”
“Guten nacht.”
Laura straightened up the rest of the kitchen. When she finished, she went to the living room and sat on the couch, tired but not quite ready for bed. She and Sawyer had said goodbye earlier in the evening, but she missed him. She wouldn’t see him until Sunday at church. Then not again until work on Monday . . .
Laura chuckled out loud. She sounded like a silly schoolgirl.
One who was in love.
As she rose from the couch, she noticed the Bible sitting on the coffee table, where it always rested. Leona read from it often, and she’d seen Emma pick it up a few times, even though both of them had their personal Bibles in their rooms upstairs.
Laura hadn’t touched the scriptures since Mark had abandoned her in Tennessee. Before then, she’d been a regular Bible reader. Unlike other Amish families she knew, her parents had encouraged scripture reading.
Laura stared at the book. It had been too long. She opened it to a random page and started to read from Psalms.
I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities . . .
The sound of a knock on the door made her jump. Who would be here this time at night? Maybe it was a wedding guest who forgot something. She closed the Bible, walked to the window, and pulled back the curtain.
A lone figure stood on the front porch. Definitely not a woman. But he wasn’t wearing an Amish hat.
Laura opened the door, and an irresistible smile spread over her face. “What are you doing here?”
Sawyer grinned. “Thanks for the warm greeting.” His grin faded a bit. “Mind if I come in?”
“Sure.” She let him inside. “It’s a little late, though. Is something wrong?”
“No. We didn’t get much time to talk today.” He looked at her. Still wearing his black dress pants, she noticed. Plus a dark jacket. He’d already started letting his hair grow out. He was serious about joining the church, and she had promised she’d stay here until he did.
“Do you want to sit down?” Laura asked. “I can make some coffee.”
The Middlefield Family Collection Page 43