by Sara Arden
“Sophie, if he hadn’t acted as quickly as he did, those two girls would be dead,” Dawn said again. It was what everyone had said, what Hayden had repeated to her numerous times after the incident, as if that were a fact she was likely to forget.
“I know that. I’m not going to tear into him or anything.”
“Good. I had a boyfriend once—”
“Just once?”
Dawn smirked. “I see why you and Cole work.”
“I’m just giving you your deserved ration of teasing.”
“You’ve been talking to Ainsley way too much. I don’t like this development. It doesn’t bode well for anyone.” She turned the monitor back around. “Anyway, it was when I was an MP and I was stationed in Iraq. He was back here in the States. A nurse. Trained, like you, in crisis management. He saw a video of a patrol where shit went down. I mean, it got deep. I did what I had to do, but I came home. He said he couldn’t live with the chances I took with myself.”
Sophie understood what she was saying, but it wasn’t the same. Not at all. If she had a client who was in her position, she’d tell that client to get out and do it now.
Why?
Because he couldn’t be saved. She wasn’t the one who was going to save him. A person had to choose to do that themselves.
People are not projects. You have to love and accept them as they are, not as they might become.
And love him she did, but after everything, she realized something. She loved herself, too. She loved herself enough not to settle, and not to carry this guilt around any longer. She loved herself enough to let something go that wasn’t good for either of them.
In theory.
She knew they had to talk and she wanted to make sure that he heard her. If she pounced on him now, all he would hear was that she couldn’t handle his job.
It had nothing to do with his job.
In all of her daydreaming, and all of her longing for Hayden Cole, this was never a place she thought she’d be.
“Something to think about,” Dawn added.
“It’s not that. Really.”
“Far be it from me to meddle. Ember Lake has too many busybodies for my peace of mind, so I’m not going to say anything else.”
“Anything else about what?” Royce said as he poked his head into the office. “You wouldn’t be trying to keep my brother’s girl just to see me, would you?”
“And if I was?” Dawn was a troublemaker, just like Royce.
“More power to you.” He shrugged and then turned his attention to Sophie. “I actually came to steal you, if you have time.”
This was something she’d miss. The inclusion as part of a family. God, she didn’t know how she was going to be strong enough to turn her back on these things.
“Sure, Royce. Anything for you. If Dawn is done with me?”
“I got everything I need.” She leaned back in her chair. “If you think of anything else, give me a call, okay?”
“I will.” She grabbed her purse. “So where are we going?”
“Anywhere you like.”
She couldn’t think of anything that sounded appetizing. Sophie shrugged. After what she’d just seen, she was indifferent to food.
“Do you have time that I could steal you off to the city?”
“So you want to talk about Hayden?” she asked.
“Not Hayden. Livie, actually. You really helped the other night and I’m wondering if you might have some other ideas. And you know if we have lunch at Granny’s Bakery, or anywhere else in town, the rumors will be flying that you’re a hussy stringing two brothers along. You know how this town is. I mean, I love it here, but if I could change anything about it, that would be it.”
She nodded. “I know it. Yeah, I have time. I cancelled all my clients today because I didn’t know how long it would take with Dawn.”
“There’s a great beignet place at City Market. Low key. Casual, but really good.”
“That sounds good. I’ve been dying to try it. Savory beignets and sweet for dessert? Sign me up.” The truth was, she wished she could be as excited as she wanted to be about the beignets, but nothing would be the same again.
Especially not dessert.
“When I came in, you seemed upset. Do you want to talk about it?”
“Isn’t that supposed to be my line?” She was definitely upset and she didn’t know if she was ready to talk about it. More so, should she be talking about it with his brother?
“Maybe, but you know we Coles never do anything the way we’re supposed to. I’m not going to pry, but if you want an ear, I’ll listen. Quid pro quo for helping me with Liv, if that makes you feel better.” He opened the door to his truck for her and helped her up. “I’m aware of all my brother’s faults. It’s not like you’ll be telling me anything I don’t know. Unless it’s not about Hayden at all?”
She debated how much to say. “It’s definitely about Hayden. About what happened on the bridge.”
Royce nodded and went around the truck.
“I heard from Noah it was pretty intense.”
“You could say that.” She pressed her lips together. “Or you could say that your brother has no regard for his own life.”
“Soph, sometimes we have to make snap decisions that put us in harm’s way—”
She shook her head. He’d tried to feed her the same line. When would they listen to her? “Dawn was trying to tell me the same thing, and I get that, I really do. I know the difference. If you watch the footage, you’ll see he’s not actually making decisions. There’s no assessment of the situation. He flings himself into the fire before he has any clue how to he’s going to extract himself or the people he’s trying to help. He was a danger not only to himself, but to everyone in the situation.”
“Damn, that’s pretty harsh.”
“I think you need to see it for yourself.” Maybe she shouldn’t have said anything. She probably should’ve kept it to herself.
“Maybe I do.” He was quiet for a moment. “It’s not that I don’t believe you, it’s just I’ve been through hell with him. If he was a danger, I’d see it firsthand.”
“Would you? He’d never put you in danger. Ever.” She turned to look out of the window and watched the tall rows of sunflowers by the edge of the highway as they sped toward the big city. “But on the bridge, you weren’t there. There was no one he had to put first, except the girls in the car. He saved them, and that’s amazing, but I can’t help but think about the next time he leaps without looking.”
“Are you going to talk to him?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think he’d hear what I have to say. He’d rush to make the same excuses that you and Dawn both made. He’d dismiss me because I love him.”
“Does he know that you love him?”
Her skin was suddenly too tight. Itchy. She hadn’t meant to say that she loved him. It wasn’t like it was a secret, but she knew he didn’t feel the same way and she’d already made up her mind that she was going to have to let go.
“I don’t see how he couldn’t.”
“No, does he know that you actually see him and he’s not just the hero who saved your life?”
“I would hope so. I’ve tried to tell him in all the ways I know how.” Only, maybe he didn’t know that. Or maybe he simply didn’t believe it.
“I understand.”
She studied him for a long moment. “You know, I think that you do.”
“When we get to the city, I’ll text Dawn and ask her about the footage. I’ll talk to Hayden.”
“Thanks.”
“Hey, what’s that?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
“The tone just now, it sounded so final. So defeated. Did you get what you wanted, but it wasn’t what you thought? Are you going to break his heart?”
She swallowed. “Geez, maybe you should be the therapist.”
“I know how to read people. Everyone but Livie, it seems.” He pulled the truck over to
a stop. “But we’re not talking about her yet. This is you and Hayden. What’s going on with you?”
It was on the tip of her tongue to spill her guts, but she didn’t. Instead she just said, “I can’t really talk about it with you right now and I hope you understand.”
She put her hand on his arm. “I also hope you understand that I would never hurt him on purpose. I do love him.”
“If you’re going to leave him when he needs you most, that’s not love, Soph.”
“What he needs right now isn’t me. It’s himself.” She wished all he needed was her. She wished all she had to do was kiss him, like in a fairytale and he’d be himself again.
Royce leaned back in the seat. “The screwed up part of this is that I think I know what you mean.”
“Good.” She leaned on his shoulder. “Are you still going to feed me?”
“I guess. I mean, we’re already halfway there. Might as well.” He got back onto the highway. “That and I need more of your advice about Livie.”
“What’s going on?”
“I saw her ledgers that night when I was helping out at Ben’s. It’s not good, Sophie.”
“First, I have to ask. Did you ask her about it?”
“Yeah.” He looked sheepish. “She snatched them away from me and said she had it handled.”
“Then I think you should go with that.”
“But she doesn’t have it handled. I’m no accountant, but when everything is in the red, that’s a problem.”
“Have you thought that maybe she doesn’t want everything in the black? Have you thought that maybe she doesn’t want that bar? Maybe she wants a new start. Something different than this town that will remind her every day of what she had and what she lost.”
Royce paled. “I didn’t think of that.”
“Why would you? I mean, she’s using this business to support herself. You saw the problem, you wanted to fix the problem. All I’m saying is maybe the problem isn’t the problem.”
“Maybe I could make an offer on the bar and buy it from her,” he suggested.
“As long as you make her a reasonable offer. Make sure you show her what you get out of it, otherwise she’s going to think it’s charity and even though there’s nothing wrong with charity, Livie Dodd doesn’t seem like the type to accept it.”
“You’re right about that.” He nodded.
“I was actually thinking about the calendar that Noah volunteered us to do.”
“Calendar?” She perked.
“Hayden didn’t tell you?”
She laughed. “No. You tell me.”
“It’s for a trafficked women’s shelter that’s opening in Ember Lake. Apparently, fireman abs sell well.” He grinned. “But I don’t see why we couldn’t do some kind of other benefit for Livie. The life insurance didn’t go very far and to get other benefits, she would’ve had to sue the city and she didn’t want to do that. She said she refused to bankrupt the town’s resources. You know, we should’ve done something long before now.”
“Well, I think it’s reasonable that you didn’t. Just like we talked about agency. You have to let people grieve and process in their own way, and you can’t help someone who doesn’t want it.”
“If I could throw something together, would you help? There’s a benefit every year for First Responders Widows and Orphans. I could put her name forward as a local recipient.”
She was honored that he’d ask, and more so, she still felt like part of the family. “Of course I would. Have you said anything to Allison? I feel like this is squarely in her wheelhouse.”
“Yeah, my mom said she was in. She wants to have it at the bar. I don’t know how she’s going to talk Livie into that.”
“If anyone could do it, she could.”
“I’m counting on it. I have to help her. I promised Ben if anything ever happened to him, I’d look out for her.”
Sophie decided it was time to call him to the mat on his feelings and motivations. “And you’re in love with her.”
Royce waved her off. “Obviously, but I know even if she could feel that way about me, she doesn’t want to date anymore ‘heroes.’ After what she’s lost, I can’t say I blame her.”
“Me either, because it’s not just heroes that have to do the sacrificing. It’s the people that love them, but I guess that’s the thing about love, too. You don’t choose who you love. It would be great if we could, but things don’t work that way.”
“No?” He took the turn off the highway and through the industrial area toward downtown. “Sounds like you’re choosing not to love Hayden.”
“Listen, just because I gave you solid advice on how to help Livie, that doesn’t mean I need any help.”
“Don’t you?”
“No. And I didn’t choose not to love Hayden. I’ll love him forever. When I’m an old woman, I’ll take these memories out of their box and remember what it was like to have your family. To have him.”
“Then why would you ever give that up?”
“Because it’s only halfway. It’s not real. There are things you don’t know. Things he doesn’t know.” She felt guilty laying all of her problems at Royce’s feet when he didn’t know the truth about her. About the fire.
“So that whole getting to know each other thing without your baggage isn’t working so great, is it?”
“He told you about that?” She wondered what else Hayden had told him, but then decided it didn’t matter. Here she was spilling her guts to him, too.
“Yeah.” Royce snorted. “I’ve been telling him forever that no one sees himself the way he does. No one sees Hayden Cole, failure who flambéed Sophie Benedict. He’s just Hayden.”
Just Hayden. She shook her head. As if he could be “just” anything. “He didn’t listen, did he?”
“Not for a second.”
“I thought we could save each other, but I know better.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s a myth that you can actually save another person from their demons. They have to do it themselves. Hayden was one of my demons, if that makes any sense.”
“Totally, because you’re one of his.”
That wasn’t something she’d ever wanted to be for him, but it was clearer than ever what she had to do.
If she really loved him, she had to let him go so he could heal himself. She had to put his needs above her own and do what was best for him.
Even if that meant losing the family she’d fallen in love with as she’d fallen for Hayden.
11
Hayden was on paid leave from the station pending the closure of the investigation. Bill had said he wanted to make sure it didn’t look like his son was getting any sort of preferential treatment.
It felt strange to him not to be at the firehouse.
He heard the familiar cadence of his brother’s knock on his front door. Opening it, he said, “I thought you were on shift?”
“I’m supposed to be, but I told Dad I had to talk to you.” Royce was grim.
“That sounds serious.” Hayden could still be “little brothered,” not that he wanted to admit it. His stomach dropped like he’d just gotten called into the principal’s office.
“It is. I saw the footage from the traffic cam.”
“Yeah, so has everyone, it seems.” He realized what his brother’s problem was. “So I jumped off a bridge. It’s not a big deal.”
“It really is, Hayden.”
“Not you, too.” He was tired of hearing it. Why couldn’t anyone just accept that he’d done a good thing and leave it at that?
“Definitely me, too. And you. Have you watched it?” Royce was incredulous.
“What kind of jackass sits around watching videos of themselves?” He wasn’t going to look at the stupid thing.
“Us, apparently. I was thinking of recording all the training sessions at the firehouse to help us improve. To remind us that what we do is real.”
“I don’t think anyone can forget
that what we do is real.” He had burns on the backs of his hands to remind him.
Sophie had burns on her neck, her arms…
“I disagree.” He walked into the kitchen and took a beer out of Hayden’s fridge, considered it and put it back, pulling out a bottle of water instead. “Because you get blind to it. You know, like the boiling frog?”
“Why would anyone want to boil a frog? That’s just wrong.”
“You’re missing the point. I know you learned about it in animal science just like I did. If you boil the water slowly, the frog won’t even realize he’s being boiled alive until it’s too late. It can be like that with the job we do, too.”
“I don’t follow.”
“No, but you will. Have a seat, little brother.”
“Look—”
“It’s either listen to what I have to say or lose Sophie.”
“What?” Those words were like a fist to his gut.
He pulled out his phone. “You need to watch this.”
As the images started to play across the screen, he realized it was the traffic cam footage from the bridge.
“Man, I don’t need to watch this. I know what happened. I mean, I was there.” He knew something had changed with Sophie, but she’d sworn to him that she could handle this and he’d trusted her.
Had she lied to him and then confided in Royce?
A cold, sick feeling twisted in his gut like razor wire wrapped around his insides.
He imagined what it would be like to lose her and he couldn’t… Even before they were together she was the one constant thing aside from his family. Sophie was always there. Sophie was always part of not only he life, but who he was.
“Watch that guy getting out of the truck.”
“That’s me, dumbass.”
“Really?” Royce snorted. “Pretend it’s not you. Pretend it’s me. It’s Dad. It’s Noah.” Royce leaned close. “Pretend it’s Sophie.”
He refused. That wasn’t something he had to consider, because that wasn’t who she was. That wasn’t what she did. “That’s not what I signed up for with her.”
Royce paused the footage. “Are you saying that you expect her to live with something you couldn’t if the roles were reversed?”