But I can. And I do.
I’m so pissed off at the world that I can’t see straight.
None of this is fair.
And as I slide my phone into my purse, I see something that I missed yesterday with everything going on.
A missed call from Gabriel.
It looks like he called right when I was talking to Jacey and he didn’t leave a message.
It fucking figures.
And oddly enough, I can’t feel anything about it. My entire body is numb. My mind, my heart, my limbs. I can’t feel and that’s good.
If I can’t feel, then pain can’t overtake me. I can step back and do what I need to do. And Gabriel doesn’t matter right now.
Getting through the funeral tomorrow matters.
Getting past this god-awful grief matters.
Figuring out what to do with my life matters.
Because as I look around, at the lake, at the restaurant, at everything this place stands for, I think I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of it all.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Gabriel
When I walk into the back door of my grandparents’ cottage, I’m almost bowled over as Jacey launches herself into my arms.
“Thank God you’re home,” she cries as she buries herself in my chest. I look across the kitchen to see Brand leaning in the doorway and he looks tired. He’s probably been talking Jacey down all night.
“Hey, guys,” I greet them quietly as I drop my bag on the floor. “I’m sorry about Tony, Jacey. I know you were close to him.”
She clings to me, her tear-streaked face turned up toward me. “I love him, Gabe. You know that, right? You know that I would never have done this on purpose.”
I have to fight the urge to lecture her, to tell her how wrong it was to first lie about Jared harassing her, then actually go back to the scumbag. She’s too fragile right now, I can tell. Her slender shoulders shake as she cries and Brand shakes his head at me, cautioning me.
“I know, Jace,” I tell her instead. “This isn’t your fault. This is Jared’s fault. There’s nothing we can do now but honor Tony’s memory.”
“But Maddy won’t even talk to me,” Jacey continues to cry. “She thinks it’s my fault. And she’s probably right. If only I hadn’t gone back to Jared. If only I’d listened to everyone. They’re having a memorial service in the morning and I know if I go it will upset her. But I need to go, Gabe. He was my friend too. And this is all my fault.”
I pat her back and soothe her and assure her in the best way I can. In my head I’m pissed at her. But I can’t make her feel even worse. It was a stupid thing to do, but Jacey doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. She never meant for anyone to get hurt.
I walk her back to her room and sit her on her bed.
“You need to rest, Jacey,” I instruct her. “You’ve got bags under your eyes. I know you haven’t slept. This wasn’t your fault and you’ll be going to that memorial. I’ll go with you, OK?”
She nods soundlessly and curls up. I pull the blanket up to her chin and close the door on my way out.
Brand is waiting for me in the kitchen.
“She’ll be OK,” he tells me as he tosses me a beer. “She was up all night. But she’ll be OK. I know Maddy will come around. These things that happen so suddenly are always hard to take in.”
I nod, knocking back the beer and crushing the can in my hand before I head out the back door.
“Where are you going?” he calls after me.
“Out,” I answer, without stopping. He knows me well enough not to follow as I wend my way down to the beach.
When I reach the edge of the water, I drop onto my heels and stare out at the horizon. From this point, all you can see is the lake. It’s vast and wide and makes me feel small.
It makes me feel like I’m just a fucking speck in the universe, as though all my shit is too small to worry about. Because in the scheme of things, it is.
Life goes on. Whether it’s bad or good or otherwise, it goes on. And there’s not anything we can do but make the best of it.
The best thing I can do is somehow fix things with Maddy. Now’s not the time, because I know she’s going through hell, but I know that I have to try.
One more time.
If she hates me and doesn’t want to talk to me, I’ll have to deal with it.
But I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t even try. I’m not a fucking quitter.
I can’t quit at this. Not until the game is definitely over.
Not that it was ever a game at all.
Chapter Thirty
Madison
“I still don’t think this is a good idea,” I argue with Mila as Pax carries her down the stairs of their house and deposits her into a rented wheelchair. She glares up at me.
“I love Tony just as much as you do,” she answers. “How in the world could I stay here in bed during his memorial? Seriously, Maddy. He’s been there for us every time we’ve needed him. I’m going to be there for him now.”
“Funerals are for the living, Mi,” I argue again. “Tony won’t know the difference.”
Pax shakes his head at me. “Trust me. I argued with her all last night. Her mind’s made up. She’s just going to have to stay in this wheelchair and we’ll bring her straight home.”
I sigh in frustration. “Mila, the last thing I need today is to worry about you. It’s going to be hard enough.”
Mila glares at me again, her eyes red and her cheeks tear-streaked. “Maddy, today isn’t about you. I’m sorry to sound rude. But today is about Tony and we should all be there. I want to be there.”
Her words hit their mark, right in the middle of my heart. She’s right. Today isn’t about me and she has a right to be there too. I nod slowly.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. Of course you should be there. But we’ll have to bring you right back home. You can’t be up very long.”
She nods. “I know. I promise. I’ll come straight home as soon as it’s over.”
Pax gets her situated in the car, then loads the wheelchair into the trunk before he turns to me.
“I don’t like it either,” he tells me. “But she has a point. It’s important to get closure. She deserves that as much as everyone else.”
I nod silently as I climb into the back seat. I’m silent as we drive to the church, silent as we unload Mila, silent as we walk into the church, silent as we find our seats in the family section next to Maria and Sophia. Maria leans over to give me a hug and we settle in on the hard wooden pews.
The overwhelming scent of funeral flowers… the lilies and mums and carnations… they smell so sweet that they make my stomach turn, and they trigger memories of my parents’ funeral. Of the crying, the pain, the grief. But I block them out.
Today isn’t about me.
I stare straight ahead, at the glossy black urn that holds Tony. It’s so small and he was so big. I can hardly believe that he fits into it.
But he does.
I can hardly believe this happened at all. But it did. Everything really can change in a moment. Everything can end and it’s out of our hands. It’s depressing.
I close my eyes, listening to the haunting strains of “Amazing Grace” filtering through the speakers. I don’t open my eyes again until Mila jabs me in the side.
My eyes pop open and I follow her gaze.
Gabriel is walking Jacey down the aisle, his hand on her elbow as he guides her into the church. Her face is tear-streaked and tired, but it’s not her I’m focused on.
It’s him.
He’s here.
My heart leaps out of its dormant sleep, out of the numb confines of my chest, and lodges in my throat as I catch and hold his gaze.
His is stormy and black, as black as night, as black as always.
It doesn’t stray from mine, it holds there, like an invisible ribbon is holding us together. My heart pounds hard and I feel such utter relief at seeing him. Even though I want
to hate him, even though I want to be furious at him, to rage against him, all I can feel is relief.
Because he’s here.
“He came,” Mila whispers. I nod without saying a word, without breaking Gabe’s gaze. Brand is behind him, both of them wearing their army dress uniforms. They look breathtaking as they file into a pew with Jacey, their hats in their hands as they sit staring ahead, stiff and straight and dignified.
Even though Gabe isn’t looking at me now, the ribbon holding us together is still there, as strong as ever. It’s like a thousand volts of electricity are rippling through the air, from him to me.
But then the service starts and I force my attention from him to where it belongs… to honor the man who became my surrogate father, better in so many ways than my real one.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Tony Romano. A husband, a father, a friend…”
My eyes well up and I press a tissue to the corners as the pastor’s voice drones on. I am acutely aware of Maria sobbing silently next to me, of Pax’s arm wrapped around Mila, of the flowers, of the urn, of the mourning people.
I’m acutely aware of it all, but it’s still as though I’m suspended. Distant. It’s like I’m watching it all through a veil.
That’s what I have to do so I don’t fall apart.
That’s what I always do. I retreat behind a wall.
The seconds turn into minutes, then an hour. And just when I think it’s over, Gabe stands up. I look at him in confusion, not sure what’s going on.
But he strides to the front with purpose, a white paper in his hand.
He murmurs a few words to the pastor, then the pastor turns to us.
“Lt. Gabriel Vincent would like to say a few words.”
Holy shit. My heart slams. What the hell?
Mila and I glance at each other briefly, but my attention is immediately and completely consumed by Gabriel. He owns thelectern, he owns the room.
He owns me.
No matter what happened or what will ever happen. He owns me. I know that now. I know it as I listen to his husky deep voice speak, as he turns to find me in the crowd, as his gaze holds mine.
Dark, stormy and black.
“I didn’t know Tony all that well,” he admits to the mourners. “We weren’t close friends, because I didn’t have time to really get to know him. But from what I saw, I know that given time, we’d have become very close. He embodied values that I hold important. Strength, integrity, honesty. Most importantly, he was loyal. He took care of those close to him in a fierce and powerful way. He took care of my sister, Jacey, which is something I’ll be forever grateful for. He took care of her when I couldn’t be here to do it myself.”
Gabe pauses for a deep breath and I find that I can’t breathe. Somehow, in just a few sentences, Gabe is managing to drill down to the core of who Tony was in a way that the pastor hasn’t been able to in an hour. I can’t take my eyes off him, at the way he’s standing at attention, at the way he’s so sincere. This isn’t a show. This isn’t an act. This is a display of raw gratitude. I swallow as he continues.
“I don’t want to take up a lot of your time today, but I just wanted to honor Tony in my own way, to thank him for protecting my sister, and for taking care of Mila and Maddy all of these years. As you can see, I’m an Army Ranger. Or I was. And I can tell you that I’ve seen my share of heroes over the years. And there is one thing that I can tell you… Tony Romano was a hero. I didn’t know him well, but I do know that.”
He steps away from the lectern and makes his way back to his seat, striding tall and confidently. I finally catch my breath and then he looks at me, taking it away again.
His words were so beautiful that I just want to cry again. I never thought he could be so eloquent. But he was. And he said the exact perfect thing.
The ushers come to let everyone out, row by row, and I’m caught up in talking to Maria, to Sophia, to Mila and Pax and the people sitting behind us. When I turn around again, Gabriel, Brand and Jacey are gone.
I sigh.
“That was beautiful,” Mila tells me knowingly, her green eyes staring into mine. “You need to go find him.”
“I don’t know,” I tell her hesitantly. “He still left me, Mila. This doesn’t change anything.”
She stares at me incredulously. “Madison. He left to get help. He came back. He’s here. Anyone in this room can feel how much he loves you when he looks at you. Trust me. It changes everything.”
I swallow hard, all the emotions of the day threatening to overwhelm me.
“We need to get you home,” I tell her, refusing to answer that. “Maria is going to spread Tony’s ashes another day. There’s no way you’re staying for the dinner.”
“Don’t leave Maria,” Mila tells me firmly. “You stay. I’ll have Pax take me home and then he can come back and get you. She needs you.”
I nod. “OK. If Pax doesn’t mind.”
“I don’t,” he reassures me from behind Mila. “Call me when you’re ready.”
He rolls my sister away and I thread through the masses of people to make my way downstairs to the dinner. A hand darts out and grabs me, though, pulling me into an alcove.
Jacey.
“I’m sorry, Madison,” she tells me tearfully. “Please believe me. I hate it that you’re upset with me. I hate it that you think it’s my fault. I know it’s my fault. I feel so guilty being here, but I couldn’t stay away. I had to see Tony off.”
A lump forms in my throat again and I can’t help but hug her. Her eyes are just so sad.
“I know,” I murmur into her hair. “I know that it’s not your fault. You made a stupid decision, but this was Jared’s fault. I was just upset the other day. I’m sorry.”
“You texted to stay put, but Jared got pissed and jumped into his truck and I didn’t know what else to do except go with him—to try and keep him from doing something stupid. But when he saw Tony coming around that curve, he swerved over. I don’t know if he was playing chicken or what. But Tony lost control of his truck. I couldn’t stop him, Maddy. I couldn’t stop him.”
Her voice breaks off and I murmur, “Of course you couldn’t, Jacey. No one can control him.”
She cries and I hold her and we stand together for what seems like forever, until a deep voice clears. I look over Jacey’s shoulder to find Gabriel leaning against the wall, watching us, his gaze immediately impaling me straight through the heart.
I let go of Jacey and stand limp, and suddenly it’s just Gabe and me.
The room spins around and we’re alone in it, alone in the world. As if she’s speaking from a fog, I hear Jacey tell me that she’ll leave us alone to talk but I can’t even acknowledge it. All I can do is stare at Gabriel.
He takes a step toward me, then another one, then he’s close enough that I can smell his smell, the smell that is so distinctly him.
“You left me,” I whisper, staring directly into his eyes. “I hated you for that.”
His face is pained and he nods. “I know. I hated me for that too. I’m sorry, Madison. I’m so sorry. I didn’t see any other way. But I was wrong.”
I nod, stiltedly. Because I don’t know what to do. Because he was wrong. Because the world is whirling around and around and all I want to do is launch myself into his arms, but I can’t. I shouldn’t. Everything is all muddled up in my head and I can’t remember how I should feel.
All I know is how I do feel.
I’ve missed him so much. All I want is him.
I’m frozen and Gabe can see that.
“Why don’t we get you back to the dinner. And then maybe afterward… would you talk to me for a few minutes?”
His handsome face is hopeful and vulnerable even while it is strong. And there’s nothing I can do but nod.
“Yes.”
Because I have to.
Because I need you to say all the right things.
Please.
Chapter Thirty-One
Gabriel
The dinner passes excruciatingly slowly, but finally it is over. Maddy has hugged and kissed everyone she needs to hug and kiss. She’s made small talk. She’s comforted people. She’s been comforted.
Through it all she’s been very aware of where I am. She’s watched me out of the corner of her eye, like she’s afraid that I’m going to leave again.
Before I can give her an explanation for last time.
No fucking way. There’s no way I would.
I watch as Maddy gives Jacey a hug, then hands her off to Brand. “Can you give her a ride home?” I ask him quietly. “I need to stay and talk to Madison.”
He nods. “Definitely. Good luck.”
“I’ll need it,” I mutter.
But when Maddy looks at me, it’s soft. It’s hopeful. It’s not filled with hate or anger or fear. It’s filled with hope.
And that fills me with hope.
I walk to her side, back to where I belong. She looks up at me.
“I don’t have a car,” she tells me. “Pax brought me. Would you mind giving me a ride home? We can talk there.”
“Of course,” I agree quickly.
I guide her through the people who are left at the dinner, out to my car, where I open her door.
As I get in my side, she looks at me. “You look really good in your uniform,” she tells me. “And what you said about Tony today… well, it was beautiful.”
“I meant every word,” I tell her honestly.
Because I do.
As I drive she calls Pax and tells him that she doesn’t need a ride. I notice that she doesn’t tell him why… she doesn’t tell him who is taking her home instead. But that doesn’t matter right now.
All that matters is that she’s giving me a chance. One chance.
And I’m sure as hell not going to blow it.
When we get to her house, she leads me out to the patio, where we sit at the table.
“Would you like wine or a beer?” she asks hesitantly, her blue eyes glued to mine. I shake my head.
“No. All I need is you, Maddy.”
If You Leave: The Beautifully Broken Series: Book 2 Page 27