Choose Your Heart

by Callie Hutton

Kerry gasped, attempting to fill her lungs with air. The essence of Damian filled her nostrils, battering her senses.

  What the hell just happened?

  The sound of their deep breaths echoed in the room. Damian shifted to the side, pulling her against his chest. The pounding of his heart against her ear matched the frantic rhythm of her own.

  He smoothed back the damp curls from her forehead. “I love you.”

  The words sluiced over her as Damian whispered against her temple. Kerry opened her eyes wide, and then closed them with a groan.

  I love you?

  How could he possibly have said that? Panic and guilt clenched her soul. She should have stuck to her guns and not allowed this to happen.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” Damian propped himself on his elbow and studied her, tracing circles on her breast with his fingertip.

  “No, you shouldn’t have. It’s not possible.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because we’ve only know each other a few days.” She shifted to her side to face him. Despite her almost automatic response, she found it difficult not to admit the power of their connection that defied all reason. Somehow, their bond was compelling.

  “So? My brother Don and his wife Charlene met on a ski weekend at Lake Tahoe. They stopped in Reno on their way home and got married.”

  “No way.”

  “Yes, way. They’ve been married four years and have twin girls.”

  Kerry shook her head.

  “And...” He paused, and raised her chin with his finger to look right at her. “My parents married three weeks after they met. Together forty-one years last December.”

  She gave him a whisper of a smile. “Are you making this up?”

  “Absolutely not. I’d be more than happy to have you meet my family.” He grinned. “Now my sister, Natalie, she took her time.”

  Kerry raised her eyebrows.

  “Yep. She and Marcus waited about three months after they met before they got married. One little boy, Colton.”

  She burst out laughing. “You know, this is all so far out there, I almost believe you.”

  “Believe it, darlin’. I know we haven’t been together very long, but I’m crazy about you.” He took both of her hands in his, kissing the knuckles. “Which is why I’m asking you to give us a chance.”

  She shook her head, and then slid her hands free, tucking them under her cheek. “You don’t understand. I need to prove to myself I can actually do something on my own. This may sound crazy to you, but I feel as though I was born married.” She shifted to her back and stared at the ceiling. “Cody and I were so young. Neither one of us got to experience anything on our own.” She considered him. “Can you possibly understand that?”

  Damian studied her for a minute, and then ran his knuckles across her chin. “I can appreciate that. Really, I can. But I don’t believe I’m the only one who feels this bond, this sense of being with the right person at the right time.”

  “Not the right time.” She ran her palm over his cheek. “But in any event, love? Marriage? That’s such a leap. I can’t wrap my head around it.”

  He tucked his hands behind his head, and also studied the ceiling. “Marriage, because I do things the right way.” He turned to look at her. “When you put your lacy bras and bikini panties in my dresser drawers, it will be after you have a ring on your finger. I’m not a let’s move in together and see how it works out type of man. It’s all or nothing.”

  “I can’t give you all.”

  “So it’s nothing?”

  “You’re the one putting on the restrictions.” She sat up, wrapped the sheet around her, and hugged her knees. “We can have a long distance relationship.”

  “It won’t work.”

  “Why not?”

  He jumped up and tugged on his pants. “To what end, Kerry? My idea of a relationship is that it moves forward. You go from dating, to commitment, to marriage.” He slid his arms into his shirt, not bothering to button it, and rested his fists on his hips. “Or is that a foreign concept to you?”

  Blood rushed to her face. “No. That’s not a foreign concept. Been there, done that—bought the T-shirt. Except it means I have to put my plans aside, and once again give up my independence. Like some type of ninny teenager.” Her breath huffed as if running a race.

  Damian sat alongside her. “You don’t have to drop everything. I’m asking you to take a detour. Instead of Albuquerque, why not Amarillo? Give whatever this is between us a chance to grow.”

  “And if this doesn’t work out, where does that leave me?”

  “Darlin’, this will work out. Trust me.”

  Kerry swung her legs over the side of the bed and scooped up her clothes from the floor. “I’ll be right back.”

  She hurried to the bathroom, knowing she was giving him an eyeful. Too late. He’d already seen it all anyway.

  Damian dragged his palm down his face. He’d rolled his eyes at his brother when Don came home from his ski trip with a wife. And when Natalie announced after her second date with Marcus that she was engaged, he’d told her she was crazy and looking for trouble.

  Boy was he ever wrong.

  Both his siblings were happily married, eager to remind him often enough that when it hit him, he’d understand.

  Well, he understood, but Kerry didn’t, and getting her to change her plans didn’t appear too promising.

  The bathroom door opened and she stood there, her arms wrapped around her middle, eyes studying her feet. “I want to spend the rest of the night in the guest room.”

  Chapter Eight

  The next morning, silence filled the kitchen as Damian fixed coffee and Kerry toasted bread for their breakfast. He placed a few, half full boxes of cereal on the table and grabbed the milk from the fridge. The sound of bowls, napkins and silverware rattling made the silence so much more noticeable. Tension descended as they took their seats and began to eat, their eyes averted.

  “Are you driving to Tulsa today?” Might as well get it over with, find out if she’d done any thinking during the night.

  “Yes.”

  His gut clenched. “So—what? You’ll pack everything up and head to Albuquerque?”

  Kerry laid her spoon alongside her almost full bowl of cereal. “That’s always been my plan.”

  “Ah, yes. The plan.” He pushed his half eaten bowl of Cheerios away, and then leaned back, crossing his arms. “Nothing must interrupt the plan.”

  “Stop it.” Her chin quivered and a lone tear slid down her cheek.

  The tears on the edge of her lids almost stopped his heart. He reached over and covered her hand with his. “I’m sorry, darlin’. I don’t want to see you cry.”

  Kerry swiped at her cheeks. “You’ll never understand. This is something I have to do.”

  “Why? What are you afraid of?”

  She raised her chin, spots of red appearing on her cheeks. “I’m not afraid. That’s precisely why I’m doing this.”

  “Sorry, sweetheart, but you are afraid. Afraid to take a chance. To give us a chance.”

  “You really think that’s what this is all about? That I’m afraid?” She stood, leaned against the counter and closed her eyes for a moment. “Okay, maybe I am afraid, but not of taking chances.”

  Pushing away from the counter, she paced. “Oh, I feel this link between us. Yes, indeed, do I feel it. But I can’t allow my heart to rule my head. I have to know I can count on myself, not someone else.” She fisted her hands on her hips. “You don’t know what it’s like to think of yourself as some incompetent nothing who can’t go even one day without someone telling you what to do, where to go, how to dress.”

  “You’ve been on your own for over a year.”

  “No. Not on my own. Cody’s parents took over where he left off.” She placed her hands on her hips and tilted her head. “Kerry, you should sell the house and buy something smaller. Of course you’re going on vacation with us, we
always go together. Dad will be by to check on that problem you’re having with the sump pump. Your hair is getting too long, should I make an appointment for you with my hairdresser?” She smiled sadly. “And their good intentions never let up.”

  “Now hold on a minute.” Damian rose, and placed his hands on her shoulders. “You forget, I saw you in action. Darlin’, I was there when you took charge of an emergency and delivered a baby in the back seat of my truck. You were cool, calm, and professional. Nothing rattled you, even though I was scared spitless.”

  Kerry waved her hand in dismissal. “That’s what I’m trained to do.”

  “What? Deliver babies in trucks? Really? I didn’t realize they covered that in nursing school.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, you know what I mean.”

  “Yes. And you know what I mean. You’re a competent, intelligent woman. If you’ve allowed yourself to be manipulated by other people in the past, so what? You’re aware of it, and won’t fall into that trap again.

  “And who doesn’t, at one time or another find, themselves in a situation where they don’t have control? Does that mean for the rest of your life you’ll avoid relationships because you may have to surrender a bit of your independence?” He paused to take a deep breath. “My mother and sisters are all strong women. None of their husbands would attempt to tell them what to do.” He hung his head and shook it. “I would never try to control you, darlin’. I fell in love with the strong woman you are. No way would I ever want to change that.”

  Her lips tightened into a thin line. “I need to go now. I have a lot to do.”

  Damian stared at her for a moment until her cheeks flushed. Then he pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. “All right.”

  He drove her to Boz’s garage and braked next to her repaired car.

  She reached for the handle and turned to him. “I’m sorry, Damian. I really don’t want to hurt you.”

  He touched her cheek. “When you decide to choose your heart over your independence, I’ll be waiting.” He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead, then watched as she left the truck and threw her laptop, purse, and small suitcase into the back seat of her car.

  Kerry climbed in, fastened the seat belt, then studied him for a full minute. He gave her a quick two finger salute and watched her disappear into traffic... dragging his heart along with her.

  Chapter Nine

  Damian chugged the bottle of beer Gus handed him. Hot and sticky from the day’s work, the liquid cooled his mouth and throat as it slid to his stomach. “Another one, Gus.”

  This time, he took the bottle dripping with ice from the cooler to a table near a window and sat.

  Ten days since Kerry left for Tulsa to pack up her belongings and move to Albuquerque.

  They’d talked a few times on the phone. He knew she’d had friends help her pack up, and she’d already had an offer on her house in Tulsa. It had taken her two days to drive from Tulsa to Albuquerque, and despite his request, she hadn’t stopped in Amarillo.

  With the way things stood between them, maybe it was for the best. The last he’d heard, she had settled into her new place and spent her days easing the pain and discomfort of laboring mothers.

  His black mood, however, hadn’t changed since she’d left. He’d stormed away from his dad more than once during arguments over silly things, and almost came to blows with one of his employees over something he couldn’t even remember.

  He worked himself to the bone during the day, hoping to sleep. But even with the fatigue the hard days brought, he tossed and turned most nights. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Kerry. Laughing, teasing, and lying beneath him with passion-filled eyes. Then the midwife Kerry, giving orders, soothing Bev, holding a newborn infant in her hands as their eyes connected.

  “Hi there, cowboy. How ya been?”

  Dorothy Lee, who he’d dated briefly last summer, pulled out a chair and plopped into it, chomping away on a piece of gum. She leaned her elbow on the table, and moved closer, the overwhelming scent of her perfume causing his eyes to water.

  “Hi, Dorothy Lee. I’m doing okay. You?” He tilted the beer bottle and took a sip.

  “You sure don’t look okay. In fact, the last few times I saw ya in here, you were lookin’ downright miserable.” She ran her pink tongue over bright red lips. “Thought maybe you could use a little cheerin’ up. You know what I mean?” Her delicate hand flicked long blonde curls over her shoulder.

  A mere few weeks ago, he would’ve taken her up on the blatant offer and eased some of his stress with a good, hardy tumble. And if anyone could give a cowboy a memorable ride it was Dorothy Lee. There was only one problem. The voluptuous blonde, with the huge blue eyes and very talented mouth, wasn’t Kerry.

  Shit. Maybe he should take her up on her suggestion. Maybe that’s what he needed. A way to forget the woman who blew him off. Kerry was having a great time in Albuquerque, most likely meeting new people, perhaps even dating. His stomach knotted.

  Dorothy Lee’s long, pink fingernails ran up and down his arm. “So, what do you say? Should we cut out? Go to your place? Or mine?”

  What the hell, why not? She was hot, willing, and knew how the game was played. No promises, no guarantees with Dorothy Lee.

  He drained the beer, pushed back his chair and stood. “Sure, darlin’. Your place is fine.”

  ****

  “Time to go, sweetie. I’ll take over from here.” Blanche Davis, Kerry’s shift relief, entered the room where Madeline—the young first-time mom—labored.

  She moved from behind the computer screen and cast an encouraging smile at the young mother.

  Madeline grabbed Kerry’s hand. “Oh, please don’t leave. I’m scared. You have to stay here with me.”

  With a slight twinge of guilt, she wiped the girl’s forehead with a wet cloth. Another unwed, probably still in high school mother, laboring all by herself. No boyfriend or mother with her. So sad. “You’ll be fine, Maddy. Blanche is a wonderful nurse, and she’ll take good care of you.”

  Fat tears rolled down Maddy’s youthful, freckled face. “But I want you.”

  Blanche stepped forward, took the cloth from Kerry’s hand and motioned with her head toward the door. She returned her attention to the girl. “Now, honey, you don’t need to worry. I’ll be here with you, and it looks like you’re doing fine.”

  She left, confident the new mother was in good hands. But what about when the girl returned home with an infant, not being much more than a baby herself? She shook her head. Too young to throw away the best years of her life to raise a child. And apparently without much help.

  Her eyes watered and she blinked several times as she exited the hospital, the bright sunlight hurting her eyes. After fishing around in her purse, she plucked out her sunglasses and slid them on. She headed to the shuttle bus that would take her to the employee’s parking lot.

  A quick glance at her watch confirmed it was three-forty-five. Hours lay ahead of her with nothing to occupy her time. Except thoughts of Damian. As usual when he entered her mind, the tears came unbidden. She blinked them away.

  She’d made her decision. And she was happy with it.

  Sure you are. That’s why you can’t sleep and haven’t unpacked one single box.

  Kerry sighed at the annoying little voice, and climbed aboard the bus. She and Damian had talked a few times, but she always hung up with a heavy heart. As much as she’d like to deny it, she was in love with Damian Greer. With his warm smile, gentle touch, and caring ways.

  When he’d suggested she stop at his place on her way to Albuquerque, she was sorely tempted. Ha! Not tempted—she’d actually driven right to the end of his driveway, then sped away in a panic before he could see her.

  What good would it have done? She wouldn’t—hell she couldn’t—change her mind. She had to stick with her decision.

  And the reason for that is…?

  Independence.

  God she hated the word. Why
was it she’d decided to be an independent woman right before Damian entered her life?

  So, what the hell are you going to do about it?

  “Shut up.” She didn’t realize she’d said it aloud until the two people in front of her who had been carrying on a lively conversation turned and glared.

  “Sorry. I wasn’t…well, I’m really sorry.” She looked out the window and groaned when the bus pulled away from her stop.

  The trek back to her car and the ride home was uneventful. She stopped at the small supermarket near her house and picked up some salad fixings, yogurt, fruit, and, at the last minute, a large package of chocolate chip cookies. Another night in front of the television with nothing to watch, but comfort food by her side. If this kept up, she’d be fifty pounds heavier in no time.

  What confused her was the sense of loss surrounding her. Sure, she missed her old neighborhood and co-workers. And if she were honest with herself, she did miss Cody’s parents. A bit. But this was something else. For some bizarre reason, she felt as if she left a body part in Amarillo.

  Your heart?

  After unlocking the door and storing her purchases in the kitchen, she entered the living room and plopped on the couch with a deep sigh. A tear slid down her face, and she brushed it away. Her gaze roamed the room where everything still sat in boxes. She’d had no interest, or energy, to do anything with the condo, except unpack the absolute necessities of towels, wash cloths, one dish, bowl, fork, knife, and spoon. She hadn’t even used her pots and pans. If it didn’t come in a microwaveable package, she didn’t buy it.

  This didn’t feel like home. Her house in Tulsa had been comfortable, but not one she would have bought if given the choice. Cody and his parents had decided on it while she was at work one day. But she’d done a lot in the short time she’d lived there to make it her own.

  Maybe on her next two days off she’d finally unpack some stuff and begin to make this place her home. She wandered over to the window and stared at the asphalt parking lot toward the neighboring condos, where the residents didn’t have the luxury of their own driveways. Great view of that, followed by another parking lot for the neighboring condominium complex, cars all neatly slotted in their little spaces. If she opened her window and leaned out far enough to almost tumble to the ground, she could get a glimpse of a few bushes. So different from the tree lined street she’d moved from.