Waiting to Breathe: Book One of the Waiting Duet

by Alyson Reynolds

  “You know I already do, Olivia.”

  I closed my eyes and dropped my head.

  “I know. The worst part is that even if I pretend that I can, I can’t keep you from knowing what I feel. You, Cora and Nate are the only things keeping me afloat right now.”

  “You love him don’t you?”

  I tucked my knees up under my chin and looked at Finn. Without words he knew he was right.

  “You should tell him. He feels the same way, but I think he doesn’t want to tell you first because he thinks it will scare you off.”

  “Does it bother you that I fell in love with your best friend again? I feel so selfish for that.”

  He chuckled softly. “I was rooting for you and Nate. He’s a great guy and if I could have chosen anyone for you, it’s him. Christian always had a self-centered, selfish streak, not that I ever saw him pulling the shit with you that he did. Nate is solid. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the one to break Christian’s nose, but I’m thankful that Nate was there to help you.”

  I watched as the waves peaked and crashed. The smell of the ocean would always be a calming balm for my injured soul.

  “I didn’t mean to push you away, Finn.”

  “I know you didn’t.”

  He pulled me into his side and we sat quietly for a long time watching the ocean around us.

  ____

  I waited in Nate’s room like I had promised. Finn dropped Cora off at the dorms and she shot me a knowing look when I told her I would be back tomorrow. I was too anxious to sit while I waited, so I paced his room and snooped through his books. When he walked in the door, he dropped his bags and pulled me into his arms. My fingers threaded through his hair. It was as if we had been separated for months, not just a few days.

  He swept his foot out behind him to shut the door without taking his lips from mine. My fingers clung to his shirt. Nate nipped at my neck as he easily carried me to his bed and laid me down. I giggled as he pulled his shirt off and threw it across the room quickly. An impish look covered his face and I couldn’t wait to see what he had in store for me. His fingers tugged at the hem of my shirt and I helped him pull it over my head.

  Kneeling up on the bed, I ran my hands up and down his chest. I placed open mouthed kisses down his stomach. My fingers worked the buttons on his jeans and he groaned softly as my tongue teased his nipple. Standing up from the bed, I tugged his jeans down his muscular legs. He watched intently as I unbuttoned my own pants and stepped out of them.

  Nate bit down on his bottom lip and I smiled at him seductively. Pushing him back on the bed, he settled against the headboard and watched as I climbed on top of him. My hands rested on his thighs as I straddled his lap. I rocked against his straining underwear and watched his eyes flash with need. One of his hands gripped my thong and the other rubbed up and down my leg. I could feel how hard he was through his boxers, and it spurred me on to grind against him even harder.

  His fingers slipped inside my panties and rubbed against my clit. The pressure of his fingers against me was almost more than I could handle. Nate sat up quickly and captured my lips with his to muffle my cry.

  I gasped when he lifted me up and threw me down on the bed. His hips pinned me down. A slow smile crossed his face as he ground his hips down on mine, making me whimper.

  “I missed you, cupcake,” he said, his husky voice the only thing I could hear. It was the only thing I wanted to hear.

  “I missed you too,” I whispered.

  My fingers dug into his back as he ground his hard cock against me where I wanted him most. His fingers wrapped around my panties and the sound of ripping fabric met my ears. I was so turned on my brain didn’t process what was happening until he pushed his boxer briefs down his hips. Making quick work of my bra, I waited for him to settle over me. I felt his cock at my opening and we both groaned as he pushed the tip inside me.

  “Don’t move a fucking inch. Olivia, hold on while I get a condom.”

  I bit down on my lip. I wasn’t sure I was ready to make this decision, but I did anyway. “You don’t have to. I’m on birth control.”

  His fingers softly brushed my hair away from my face as he looked into my eyes.

  “Are you sure? If you aren’t absolutely positive tell me now.”

  I nodded. “I want this.”

  Suddenly, the frenzy and rushed energy between us was gone. It was like we had all the time in the world. At that moment in time, I wanted nothing more than to be with him and only him.

  Nate kissed me deeply and pushed all the way inside. I gasped at the feeling of nothing between us. Our fingers intertwined and he pushed my arms up over my head. His other arm wrapped around my back and held me tight against him.

  We rolled so I was on top. His free hand brushed the hair out of my face and I leaned down to kiss him. Our lips brushed softly, making my heart race with excitement of something as simple as a kiss. My body rocked above his. He cupped my face as he kissed down my neck and sucked one of my nipples into his mouth. My mouth parted as he bit down gently. Soft lips made their way back up my neck causing chill bumps to rise on my sensitive skin.

  Nate’s gaze locked with mine and I felt the beginnings of my orgasm as I rocked against him. My body clenched down on his and he tightened underneath me. His release filled me and I welcomed its warmth. We didn’t look away as our releases tore through us. It was one of the most intimate moments of my life and I was thankful it was with him.

  My forehead rested on his as my body convulsed around him. I had never felt so close to anyone. Ever. My soul felt like it had been torn apart and I would never get that piece back because it would always be Nate’s. He would always be my other half.

  His lips brushed my forehead and his arms wrapped around me. I curled into him and settled against his chest. My hand rested over his cross tattoo, tracing the edges gently with my fingertips.

  “Olivia, I want this to work. I want us to share everything and be in a real relationship, not be scared to tell each other anything.”

  “I want that too, Nate.”

  “I’ve wanted to tell you that for a while now, but I was afraid it would scare you.”

  I snuggled into his chest. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  ____

  We were at another Friday night frat party, something that had become a constant in my world. I never imagined it would, but it was a way to see my brother, my best friend, and my boyfriend all at once. Cora was sitting next to me on one of the couches, talking a mile a minute, but I was too distracted to pay any attention to what she was saying.

  “Earth to Liv,” she said waving her hand in front of my face.

  “Sorry I’m being a shitty friend.”

  “It’s okay, but what’s going on? You never act like this.”

  “Who is that girl talking to Nate?” I asked, never taking my gaze off of my boyfriend.

  “Her name is Lila Tate. She’s in the premed program with Nate. Why?”

  “Just wondering,” I said, with narrowed eyes.

  “Oh no, you’re going to tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

  “No reason really, she’s just been hanging all over Nate the past few times I’ve saw her. He never reacts, but I’m ready to claw her eyes out. I didn’t realize she was Lila for some reason.”

  “And you call Nate the Hulk,” she mumbled. “She’s in his study group. Maybe she’s just flirty with everyone.”

  I watched as Nate smiled at something Lila said. Her hand rested on his arm and they looked a little too cozy for my taste.

  “I’m going to go get another drink,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “It’s probably nothing, Olivia,” she said, wincing as Lila leaned up and whispered something in Nate’s ear, her breasts rubbing against his arm in what could only be called an intentional move.

  I pushed off the wall and went to the kitchen in search of a drink. Bracing my hands on the cabinet, I whispered to myself, “He loves me.
He’s not that kind of person.”

  I picked up a red solo cup and threw it against the backsplash in frustration. The palms of my hands dug into my eyes and I fought back tears. Taking a deep breath, I took a step back and picked up a bottle of vodka. As I turned to grab a cup off the kitchen island, I saw Finn leaning against the doorway.

  “Through with your little fit?”

  “Fuck you, Finn. I’m not in the mood.”

  “I don’t think you should drink that,” he said as I unscrewed the cap.

  “Why not?”

  “I think you should go talk to him instead of freaking the hell out. He doesn’t want her, I can guarantee you that. Tell him she needs to back off and he will make sure it happens.”

  “I shouldn’t have to tell him,” I hissed.

  “You know better than that. Guys are fucking idiots.” I took a large drink off the bottle and brushed past Finn with it clutched in my hand. “Olivia, please don’t do this. This is about more than some girl flirting with Nate.”

  “Yeah, you’re right, it is.”

  “Then talk to me about it instead of clamming up.”

  “What’s there to say, Finn? Tonight is awful.”

  He stared me down and I took another large gulp of the nasty vodka. It burned all the way down, but somehow grounded me enough to forget the pain for a second.

  “Finn, I should be with my daughter on her birthday, but I’m not. It doesn’t help that the day I found out I was pregnant I found out that my boyfriend of three years had been cheating on me for almost a year. Now, tell me that some girl flirting with my new boyfriend isn’t a big deal to me.”

  I slammed the bottle down on the counter and turned to walk out the other door leading into the kitchen.

  “Olivia, please don’t walk away.” He sounded desperate, but I just didn’t care. I yanked my arm away as he reached for me.

  “There’s nothing to talk about, Finn,” I screamed. “Just leave me alone. Let me deal with this shit myself.”

  He recoiled like I slapped him and I realized I pushed him too far. Unshed tears burned my eyes, but I didn’t know what to say to fix it. Nothing could fix it. I leaned against the counter as sobs wracked my body.

  Finn picked me up like a baby and I wrapped my arms around his neck. People stared at us as he carried me up to his room, but I didn’t care. Those people wouldn’t understand that my heart had been ripped out of my chest a year ago and I could never fully get it back. He settled on the edge of his bed, running his hands through my hair as he let me cry into his chest. My sobs eventually slowed. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried like that. Maybe Finn was right and I had been holding everything in for too long.

  “I’m so sorry, Finn.”

  “It’s okay, Olivia.”

  “No, it’s not okay at all. This is what I tried to protect you from. This is the pain that I never wanted to you see. No one should ever see this.”

  We sat in the quiet for a few minutes before Finn spoke. “I don’t know what to do to help, Olivia. That scares the hell out of me, because we’ve never been here before. I hate that I don’t know what to do to help you and I’m supposed to know what to do.”

  “That makes two of us.” I sighed.

  “Do you want me to go get Nate?”

  “No need. I’m already here,” Nathaniel said, as he stooped down in front of me. I hadn’t heard him open the door. Apparently Finn hadn’t either because he seemed just as surprised as me at Nate’s sudden appearance. “Olivia, I am so sorry.”

  “I’m going to let you two talk, but if you need anything I’ll be here,” Finn said, kissing my head. He shut the door behind him as he walked out of his room.

  “Cora told me what a fuckup I am. There were some really loud words said and I’m pretty sure Lila is laying in a pool of her own blood somewhere downstairs. I’m so sorry, Olivia. There’s nothing going on between me and Lila. I can’t believe I was so freaking dumb.”

  “Has anything ever happened between you two?” His eyes flashed something and it was enough for me to know. “Never mind, I don’t want to know.”

  “No, I want to be honest with you. Lila and I have been friends since freshman year. Nothing happened until my semester abroad. It happened one time and nothing since then. Nothing will ever happen again, but not just because I’m with you. What happened between us was too much wine and the Italian Riviera. I still consider her a friend, and she’s in my study group, but that’s it. There will never be anything more than that. It’s never been more than that.”

  I stared in his beautiful emerald eyes. There was nothing hidden in their depths. He didn’t have any secrets about his past and because of that I knew he was telling me the truth. He kissed my forehead and I settled into his chest. We stayed like that until he carried me to his room, but the problem with jealousy is that it only takes one tiny little seed of doubt to grow insecurities into huge bushels of problems.

  It seemed impossible that one bad night could derail our entire relationship, but that’s exactly what was happening. My confident, brave girlfriend turned into someone clingy, suspicious and insecure. She questioned every decision she made. I knew that the reason she was acting that way was because of what Christian had put her through, but even Finn seemed baffled by the sudden change in Olivia. Neither of us knew what to do to help her find her way back to us. Cora tried talking to her, but they ended up fighting, and I didn’t want their relationship to suffer because of my screw ups. To make matters worse, Lila kept coming around more often. I had told her to back off, but she acted like that made catching me a bigger challenge.

  Christian backed off of Olivia and Finn, but he was always lurking around in the background. I didn’t trust the little prick as far as I could throw him. His existence pissed me off, and having him around made me punchy. Finn seemed convinced that the threat his dad had made against him worked, but I didn’t think that was the case.

  One afternoon Olivia and I sat in the coffee shop across from one another studying for finals. She was being abnormally quiet and it was making me anxious. Normally she chattered on and on when we had a few hours together.

  “Cupcake, do you want another cup of coffee?” She stared out the window, and either didn’t hear me or didn’t acknowledge me. “Olivia?” I asked again.

  “Huh?”

  “I asked if you wanted another cup of coffee,” I said softly.

  “No, I’m fine. Thank you.”

  I hesitated. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, just…out of it.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “I was just thinking about Ellie. Abby offered for me to come spend Christmas with them.”

  “That’s awesome. Do you think you’re going to go?”

  “I’m not sure. I don’t know if seeing Ellie this soon is the best thing for me.” I could tell she wanted to say more, but I didn’t want to push. Taking her hand in mine, I kissed her palm and threaded our fingers together. “What if I see her and immediately regret giving her up? What if I go off the deep end and do something stupid like try to get her back?”

  “I don’t think you would do that Liv, but you’re the only one that knows what you can handle without it being too much for you. Every time you talk about her, you talk about how great Noah and Abby are in the same breath. You know your decision was the best for you and Ellie.”

  “I guess.” She played with the rim of her cup for a second before quietly saying, “Thank you.”

  “For what, cupcake?”

  “For listening to me when I need it most. I’m sorry about how I’ve been acting. It’s like everything is all fucked up in my head and I can’t keep it separated anymore.”

  “What can I do to help?”

  “You’re doing it.” Her eyes seemed clearer than they had in a week. I prayed she was starting to find her way out of whatever personal hell she was in. “If I go see Ellie during Christmas break…would you want to go with me? I’m no
t sure I could actually be there on Christmas, but it might be…reassuring to go see her.”

  I kissed her palm again. “Of course. If you want me there, I’ll be right beside you. Actually, I was going to ask if you wanted to come back to Madison with me to meet my family at some point during break.”

  A smile crossed her face; the first real one in a week.

  “I would love to.”

  ____

  Finals passed in a blur and before I knew it we were sitting in my car on the way to the home I grew up in. My mom and Riley were thrilled that she was coming back with me for a week. Olivia and I decided to split the time between our families, and the Ford family was up first.

  My grandparents were even coming in for a few days to spend some time with everyone. For the first time in a few years I was actually excited for Christmas. Olivia sang along with the radio and glimmers of her old self were coming through as we made the drive.

  “So is there a cheat sheet on your family that I need to know?”

  “No, the Ford’s are a reserved bunch normally. Mom is the only wild card, and as long as she’s on the wagon like Riley says, it should be a very calm visit. You’ve already met my grandparents, so you don’t have much of a surprise there. I’m sure my mom has already grilled them for all the information they have on you.”

  “So what’s your brother like? He’s what twenty?”

  “Riley is awesome. He just finished the police academy and he starts in the department after New Years. Out of the three of us, he’s probably the most stable. I know as the oldest I’m supposed to be, but Riley has always been an old soul.”

  “What about Jon? Will he be there?”

  “I’m not sure. He didn’t show up for Thanksgiving.” I huffed out a breath. “Hell, I don’t even know where he’s staying right now. The past three times I called he sent me straight to voicemail. He thinks he’s all grown up since he’s eighteen now.”

  Olivia grabbed my hand, sensing my frustration.