Not This Time
Synopsis
Sofia is tired: of touring, of her record company, of her fake boyfriend. After collapsing on stage, she’s forced to recuperate at her beach house.
Madison feels settled for the first time in a long while. She’s back home in Miami and her interior design business is thriving. So what if she’s a little lonely, the universe will send her someone when she’s ready. But Madison soon discovers the universe has a sick sense of humor when Sofia turns out to be her new client. Once upon a time, they were bandmates in America’s hottest girl band. Their biggest secret? They were in love—the forever and ever kind—until Sofia told Madison she was going solo.
Flung back into each other’s lives, each is forced to face the hurt they caused the other. But maybe, just maybe, Sofia’s new single, “Not This Time,” is the universe playing matchmaker again.
What Reviewers Say About MA Binfield’s Work
One Small Step
“I really loved this book and the gradual way Iris and Cameron’s relationship builds. It feels very authentic as they both gain confidence from their genuine care for one another. The author takes time to carefully build something real between the two of these women. This book kept me intrigued.”—Bookvark
“I lost myself in Iris and Cam’s growing feelings and doubts in a very enjoyable way. They’re both endearing characters, and the web of friends and teammates around them is full of interesting people.”—Jude in the Stars
“The author crafts a deeply emotional romance that is as grounded in stark reality as it is elevated by the ethereal nature of love. …One Small Step is a tremendous romance début. MA Binfield’s portrayal of a couple in search of the courage to fight for the love that they deserve is written with sheer honesty, humor, and heart.”—All About Romance
Not This Time
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Not This Time
© 2020 By MA Binfield. All Rights Reserved.
ISBN 13: 978-1-63555-799-2
This Electronic Original Is Published By
Bold Strokes Books, Inc.
P.O. Box 249
Valley Falls, NY 12185
First Edition: December 2020
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission.
Credits
Editor: Cindy Cresap
Production Design: Susan Ramundo
Cover Design by Tammy Seidick
eBook Design by Toni Whitaker
By the Author
One Small Step
Not This Time
Acknowledgments
Huge thanks to my fantastic editor, Cindy Cresap, for the improvements she made to this book. Cindy corrected my writing errors with wit and patience, but more importantly, helped me tell a better version of this story.
Thanks to Bold Strokes Books for making the authoring process so easy for a newbie like me. The support and encouragement we get is awesome, and I’m proud to be a part of the BSB family.
Thanks to Amanda for being my advisor on all things American. She helped make sure that my Miami setting never inadvertently turned into Wolverhampton.
Thanks to Helen Lewis for feeding me, encouraging me, and always listening patiently to my writing woes, even the really boring ones. Having Helen by my side is a strength and a comfort.
Finally, Not This Time is my tribute to all the girl bands I’ve loved (and there are many!), and it was a lot of fun to write. It’s inspired by my imagination, my ridiculously romantic soul, and my love of a happy ending.
Dedication
For Mila
Prologue
“Stop ignoring me, Maddie. Please. We need to talk. I need to see you.”
Sofia paused, not sure what else to say, not sure what would make Maddie react and stop ignoring her texts and calls. She sighed. This was turning out to be the worst day of her life.
“Mads, please. You know how much you mean to me, how much our relationship means to me. Please call me back. Or just come back to our room.” She paused again. “I’m leaving the band, Maddie, I’m not leaving you.” With tears in her eyes, Sofia ended the call.
She couldn’t understand why Maddie was so upset. They’d talked about going solo so many times. They’d moaned about the shitty songs they were forced to sing and talked endlessly, lying in bed late at night, about what it would feel like to release their own albums as individual songwriters that people would take seriously. To Sofia, leaving the band was the start of all that. For her, yes, but also for Maddie, for all of them. She might be the one to go first, but someone had to, and maybe one day they’d all thank her for it.
But Maddie hadn’t been happy about it. She’d called her selfish and dishonest and said that she’d been stupid to think they had something special when Sofia was walking out on her. Sofia had cried and Maddie had left, not giving her the chance to explain. If she had, Sofia would have told her that the two of them had something amazing, and she didn’t intend to let that go for a minute. In fact, in Sofia’s version of their future, her leaving the band was the thing that would save them.
“Fuck it, Mads, I’m doing this for us.” She spoke out loud, swiping a hand across her cheeks as the tears started falling again.
More than a solo career, more than the approval of her management or their fans, she wanted Madison Martin in her life forever—without the pressure and insanity of being side by side in one of the biggest girl bands on the planet, tied into a contract that didn’t allow either of them to be who they wanted to be.
There was a knock at the door. Sofia ran to answer it, before swinging it open with more force than she intended.
“Hey.” Felix’s voice was deep and always contained a hint of amusement, as if he was in on a joke that no one else understood. “How are you doing?”
Sofia knew he meant well, that he understood that deciding to leave the band had been hard for her. As her manager, she had to believe he had her best interests at heart in pushing her into going solo.
“Maddie won’t talk to me. She’s ignoring my calls and I don’t know where she is. Have you seen her?”
“You told her?” Felix frowned.
“I had to.”
“Dammit, Sofia. You agreed not to say anything—we haven’t even signed the contract yet. You only had to keep it quiet for three more weeks.” He started pacing. Sofia could tell he was trying not to be angry with her. “How are you going to do the rest of the tour with them knowing you’re leaving? Did you stop and think about that?” He sounded more exasperated than angry. “It’s going to be really fucking awkward.”
“I didn’t tell them all. I only told Maddie.” Felix’s pacing was making her anxious. “I had to tell her once I knew it was definitely happening. She’s my girlfriend. I know you’d all rather she wasn’t, but she is.” Her voice cracked and she felt the tears building again.
“And you think she hasn’t gone off to tell the other girls? Of course she has. And I’m guessing from how upset you are that she didn’t exactly congratulate you.”
“She didn’t believe me at first, and then she got upset, called me some horrible names, and walked out. And now she’s ignoring me, and I need to se
e her, I need to explain.”
Felix stopped pacing and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers, like he always did when he was stressed.
“Look, Sofia, we’re doing this because you’ve outgrown them, because you’re going to be a big star. They can all have their own careers without you. You’re the one taking a risk, not them. You’re too good to be singing other people’s songs. You’ve done your time in the band and you’re ready for this. Maddie knows that really, they all do. They’ll come around. It would have been easier for you, for them too probably, to get to the end of the tour without them knowing, but whatever happens, you need to remember that you’re entitled to do this, as any one of them is. Just because you’re doing it first doesn’t make you the bad guy, it makes you the brave guy.”
It was the longest speech Sofia had ever heard Felix give, and for a few seconds, his words made her feel better, but then she remembered the hurt, angry look in Maddie’s eyes as she walked out on her. She looked down at her phone. Still nothing.
“Are they all gonna hate me for this?” Sofia looked up at Felix, willing him to reassure her.
“Probably,” he said. “But not forever.”
Not forever was no comfort to Sofia. She loved Maddie with everything she had, and she couldn’t do any of this without her. She needed Maddie to not hate her right now.
* * *
Sofia had gotten into bed twice but couldn’t settle. She riffled through the minibar wondering if she could stomach the small bottle of brandy in an attempt to take the edge off her anxiety. She unscrewed the cap and sniffed the amber liquid. Something about the smell reminded her of Maddie, of the time years ago that Maddie had made them try every bottle in their minibar, laughing herself stupid at Sofia’s disgusted expressions each time she tried one and then spat it out. Maddie had ended up tipsy. Sofia stayed sober and she remembered, with a flush, that Maddie had climbed into bed with her that night for the first time and wrapped herself around Sofia possessively, breathing the sweet boozy fumes into Sofia’s neck as she slept. Sofia had stayed awake as long as she could, marveling at just how good it felt to have Maddie that close to her, to be wrapped gloriously in Maddie’s arms and legs. In the morning, they’d shared their first incredible kiss.
A shiver ran through her at the memory. From that first kiss, Sofia had been convinced that Maddie—her bandmate and best friend—would be hers forever. Now she wasn’t sure. Maddie’s reaction to the news that Sofia was leaving the band—the hurt and disbelief in her eyes, the tension in her jaw that only Sofia would recognize as Maddie trying not to cry—was awful. The sight of Maddie as she walked away, ignoring Sofia’s calls for her to stay, played on a loop in her mind.
As she sipped at the brandy, Sofia looked again at her phone. She couldn’t stop herself from rereading the messages she had sent, knowing they had sounded increasingly more desperate as the night wore on. She didn’t care, she was desperate. She’d already decided that she wouldn’t leave the band if it meant losing Maddie, and she didn’t care what Felix or anyone else thought about it. A solo career could wait.
Sofia put her phone down with a frustrated sigh. Next to her was Maddie’s bed, covered in their clothes and half packed suitcases. As usual, they had slept in Sofia’s bed last night. In the beginning, they hid their relationship and used to make both beds look slept in, but in recent months they hadn’t bothered. The people close to them knew they were lovers, even if they weren’t entirely happy about it, and Sofia had gotten tired of pretending they were just close friends. It was nobody’s business what they did with their private lives, and the record company’s constant interference was just one more reason why them both going solo would be good for them.
She looked again at her phone. It was ten past one. She had to accept that Maddie had decided to sleep somewhere else. She lay down and tried to stop tormenting herself with the thought that she had ruined everything. The solution was simple—she would see Felix in the morning and tell him that she had changed her mind. She’d stay on for the next album, longer if Maddie needed her to. Sofia had to hope it would be enough for Maddie to forgive her.
As she climbed under the covers, she heard a muffled thud out in the corridor. Her heart beat rapidly as she crossed to the door, using the peephole to see who was outside, needing it to be Maddie. The corridor looked empty, but then she caught a flash of a dark jacket and dark hair moving across her field of vision, and she jerked open the door and leaned out, seeing Maddie’s back retreating from her, her steps a little unsteady.
“Maddie,” Sofia called after her.
Maddie turned around to face her, and Sofia felt her breath catch. Maddie’s dark hair was tousled, her eyes were smudged with mascara, and even at a distance of five yards, Sofia could see the look of hurt defiance. God, she’s beautiful. She felt her heart beat faster in her chest.
“Why? What’s the point?” She sounded a little drunk. Her words suggested there was nothing to talk about, but she remained still, facing Sofia.
Sofia badly wanted to go to her, to cross the space between them and wrap Maddie into a hug, to nuzzle her neck, stroke her beautiful hair. Her heart hurt and she knew that only by making it right with Maddie would it stop.
“Come inside, please. We’re going to wake people out here.” She didn’t know what else to say.
Maddie looked around as if realizing for the first time where she was. She looked at Sofia and then looked down the corridor toward the elevators, seeming to weigh her options. Maddie moved toward her, and Sofia felt her breath leave her body. She allowed Maddie to pass into the room and let the door close gently behind them. She moved to switch on the main light.
“Don’t.” Maddie whispered the word, her voice sounding low and husky. Sofia moved away from the light switch and stood in the middle of the room, a few feet away from Maddie, never being less sure of what to do or say. Maddie stared at her. The look in her eyes was guarded, even a little hostile, and to see it there was awful. Maddie had never looked at her that way before. Sofia took in another deep breath, steeling herself. She could do this, she could fix them.
“Do you want a drink?” Sofia pointed at the fridge. “Everything’s there, except the brandy, I drank that. I couldn’t sleep. Obviously. Or I could order something. Coffee maybe?” Her anxiety was making her ramble.
“You trying to sober me up?” Maddie took off her jacket and tossed it onto the pile of clothes before sitting on the edge of Sofia’s bed. “You sound like Daya and Suzy. I told them you were leaving, and they spent the last hour trying to make me drink coffee and come and see you.” She took off her boots and kicked them under the bed. “Like you, they seem to think we have things we need to talk about.”
Maddie had not taken her eyes off her, and Sofia was transfixed by the attention. She wanted to look away, to compose herself and find the words she needed, but Maddie’s gaze was like being captured by an SUV’s headlights.
“It’s funny how people wanna talk when they wanna talk but manage to not say very much at all when they’ve got secrets to keep.” Sofia could hear all of the feelings from earlier—the upset, the anger, the hurt pride—and then Maddie looked her up and down and her eyes flashed with something else, something Sofia understood well. She told herself that above all else they needed to talk, but her body betrayed her by reacting to Maddie’s gaze. She felt the gentle thrum of arousal between her legs and knew there was nothing she wanted more than to taste Maddie’s mouth, to feel Maddie’s hands on her. But it wasn’t the way they were going to fix things between them. She made herself speak.
“I thought you weren’t going to come. I called so many times. You didn’t—”
“I think you knew I was gonna come.” Maddie cut her off. “I’m stupid enough to be in love with you. You wanna talk, let’s talk. Maybe you can explain to me how you leaving the band is anything other than you turning your back on us, on me. Anything other than you deciding you’re too good for us, too good for me.”
The last four words came out a little choked and Sofia couldn’t help but move toward Maddie. If she couldn’t find the words to tell Maddie how much she loved her, maybe she could let her kisses make it clear.
“Don’t.” Again, the single word, this time accompanied by a palm held up in her direction. Both stopped Sofia in her tracks.
“I’m sorry. I just want to hold you. I’m scared. I didn’t mean to ruin anything. I just thought it was time. I thought we both felt that. And I thought we’d be happier, that we’d finally be able to have our relationship without them interfering, without them watching every move we make. You always hated the way they made us hide it.” Sofia spoke in a rush, tears forming in her eyes. Waiting for Maddie to come back to her today had taken its toll.
“So you’re leaving the band for me?” Maddie spoke with something close to a sneer. “The lucrative solo career, the high profile collabs you’ve probably already got planned, the deal on your first album. All for us? That’s sweet, Sofi. Completely fucking deluded but kind of sweet.”
“Don’t be like this. I know you’re hurting, but I did do this for us, and yes, I also did it for me.” Sofia knelt on the floor in front of Maddie. There was no point in pretending that she was doing anything other than throwing herself at Maddie’s feet and hoping she would see sense.
“We’ve hated this past year, you know we have. The songs they give us are embarrassing, they treat us like puppets. We both want to write and perform our own music. We’ve said it so many times.” She was struggling to get her words out in the right order, to make it sound as right as she knew it was. “We knew the band wasn’t forever. We didn’t even think it would last this long, and this is our chance to move on.” She willed Maddie to understand.
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