by Leo Sullivan
My mama lifted a brow. “Should she?”
I didn’t answer.
“Listen to me. Nikki is hurt, and she will get over that in her own time, but she doesn’t blame you. If anything, she blames Andre. He brought this on himself and she knows that. It’s just hard for her to see you because she feels guilty and angry at the same time. Give her some space and she will come around. But you’re her blood and she loved Sunday—so do I. She would never try to kill her or her unborn child because of what happened to Andre.”
It sounded good, but I would need more than a mother’s words in defense of her only daughter to persuade me. My mama was loyal to her kids and I knew that better than anyone. As much shit as I’d pulled in my life and she still showed up at my appeal, hollering like I was innocent.
“I love you, ma. You know that stash I left here? It’s enough money for you to live off of, so you’ll be good for life. I also want to put some to the side for Sunday. She’s too proud to get it right now, but she will come around when she needs it.”
My mama looked at me, trying to keep her face straight but she couldn’t hide her smile.
“My darling, Sunday. I would have hoped that she were the one you would have chosen to fly away with you instead of that raggedy-tail girl in my living room.”
Scoffing, she rolled her eyes. She could play nice, but the truth was that she’d never liked Makita, not even a little bit. Sunday had always been her favorite and they formed a bond the second they met for the first time. Honestly, they had a lot in common. Maybe the old adage about a man choosing a woman like his mother was true.
“I wanted to,” I admitted, feeling a throbbing sensation erupt in the center of my chest. “I just left her; I asked her to come with me, but she couldn’t.”
Somehow, saying she couldn’t felt better than admitting that she wouldn’t.
My mama stated back at me with compassionate eyes. Although I was hiding my hurt, she could read me like a book. I wasn’t the typical thug who was void of emotion and ran the streets with cold, calculated ways birthed out of his inability to love. If always known how to love because since the moment I’d met her, I’d loved Sunday.
“You know Sunday is a lot like me, maybe that’s partly why you picked her.” She laughed a little with her joke. “But what I mean is, she’s used to sacrificing her needs for the needs of others. It’s going to be hard to convince her to leave her mother here and even harder to convince her to tear that baby away from her father.”
Against my will, I felt my facial expression harden.
“And yes, I know he ain’t shit as a father, but Sunday is going to keep hope alive that he will come around because she thinks it’s best for her daughter at the moment. Once she realizes the mistake she’s making, I hope it won’t be too late.”
I shook my head. “It won’t ever be too late. Not for her.”
Sadness rimmed my mama’s eyes, but she managed to smile through it.
“At some point, you will have to move on. We both have to. As much as you love her, she’s doing what is best for her and you have to do what is best for you.”
With a clenched jaw, I respectfully listened but I wasn’t accepting it. Sunday and I had a connection that transcended the normal things that kept people together. True, she was a woman and she liked to be loved and paid attention to, which opened the door for a night like Caesar’s bum ass to creep in when I let her down, but the connection was still there.
“When everything dies down, I’ll send a way for you to come visit me. Nikki, too,” I added just for her benefit.
“You know I’ll come. I’ll be happy to see you.”
“You’re leaving her... Are you leaving me too?”
With Makita behind me, I stopped in my tracks and glanced up at the starry night sky. This was the conversation that I’d been trying to avoid, which is why I’d opted to slip out before Makita was able to discover that I was gone. Unfortunately, her awareness of everything around her was a fine-tuned trait. It was one yet another thing that she’d learned from me.
“I’m leavin’ everyone,” I replied with a sigh before turning around. “I only came to say bye.”
“Not to her. You didn’t say goodbye to her, did you? You wanted her to come along. To join you.”
There was no doubt in my mind that the her she was talking about wasn’t my mama.
She took a few paces forward, looking like the average man’s version of heaven on Earth. Makita was drop dead gorgeous and I should feel honored that a woman of her caliber would be so intent on being with me, but I couldn’t force feelings that I didn’t have. I valued her, I was loyal to her, but I didn’t love her. Not how she wanted me to, and I never would.
“Why can’t you be honest with me, King? You still love Sunday and you always will. There is no room in your heart for me.”
She blew out a breath and I watched as she tried to compose herself. This revelation was hurting her, but I wouldn’t lie in order to put her at ease. In a few hours, I would be gone so it was best for her to know the truth.
“We may not ever have what you have with her, but at least you know that with you is where I want to be... Where I will choose to be. Don’t leave without taking me with you, King. You’re leaving, but you don’t have to be alone. I can help you build what we have over here in any location. I’m hood bred, like Jay Z. Put me anywhere on God’s green Earth and I’ll triple my worth.”
She giggled and then wiped a tear from her right cheek. For a moment as I looked at her, I considered what she was saying and I was about to agree to it, but then stopped to reconsider.
“Makita, I can’t do that. To take you with me would be the selfish thing to do. You’ve already waited on me for so long, put your life on hold without knowing what my fate would be... I can’t ask you to do that again. I wouldn’t take you with me just so you can wait around for me to give you what you want from me. Whenever Sunday becomes an option, everything else for me stops. We could be together for ten years and the moment Sunday resurfaces, if she says that she wants me, I’ll drop everything and anyone to pursue that. You deserve a man who will do that for you.”
Her expression crumbled; she was overcome with so much emotion that she couldn’t speak, but I considered it a blessing. Turning away, I continued on the trail to the secret passageway in the shed.
“King, wait.”
Running my hand over the top of my head, I turned around.
“Yeah?”
“Can you do one thing?” she began to ask. “Can you tell me where you hid your part of the shipment from the Colombians? Since you’re leaving, I can flip it for you. I’ll send you your normal percentage, of course. Just tell me where to—”
I shook my head. “No.”
That wasn’t at all what she’d been expecting. She jerked her neck back and frowned.
“Why? Are you taking it with you?”
“No, I’m selling it back to the Colombians for whatever they decide to give me, just so I can get it off my hands. Then I’m donating the money to research on autism and prelingual deafness.”
The fire in Makita’s eyes showed that she was fully aware as to why I was donating the money to those subjects specifically. I didn’t know how, but she was aware of the issues surrounding Sunday’s child.
“It’s always about her, huh?”
I didn’t reply; no need to pour salt on an open wound. In the end, I was sure she knew the answer: Of course.
In my mind, Sunday was, will be and just is. Everything was always about her.
21
Sunday
* * *
I was uptight. My nerves were getting the best of me. Behind me, my mama was making something that smelled like eggs. The sound of whatever utensil she was using, scraping against the frying pan, made me want to scream. I had so many thought swirling around my head that I was having the hardest time trying to make sense of even one.
“Is there something wrong?”
My mama walked in to where I was sitting at the dining room table and placed a paper plate in front of me. Holding one of her own, she slid into a chair next to me and bore her eyes into mine.
“Actually, I should say, I know that something is wrong, so why don’t you go ahead and tell me what it is.”
She lifted her pressed egg and cheese sandwich from her plate and sunk her teeth in. With her mouth full, she chewed while patiently watching me. I dropped my head down and stared at the sandwich on my plate. There was no way I could eat.
“King came by. He... He found the guys who tried to kill me and...” I swallowed and looked away, unable to figure out how to finish that sentence.
“Basically, they aren’t a problem anymore,” my mama finished for me.
“Right.” I nodded. “But he also told me that he had to leave. He asked if I wanted to bring Katie and leave with him.”
My mama stopped chewing suddenly to frown.
“Well, why are you here lookin’ like somebody died? Why aren’t you packin’ your things?”
“Mama! You know I can’t leave. I have to stay here for you and I can’t take Katie away from her daddy.”
“Girl, please.” She rolled her eyes. “Katie’s daddy, as you call him, has already left her, if you ask me. He don’t see that child as it is. And, as for me, I’m good. I got my own life, so you need to get yours. I know you think that every night I come home late is because I’m working but that’s not the case. I got me a man and we might be gettin’ married if everything keeps going well.”
I choked on my own saliva and began to sputter out cough.
“A man?”
“Yes, and he’s a doctor. I met him at the hospital durin’ all that time that I was there worried ‘bout you. He helped me to relax and take my mind off things. But that’s all I’ll tell you because I don’t wanna jinx it.” She crosses her fingers for added effect. “Do you, live your life. Don’t worry ‘bout me.”
She continued smacking on her sandwich and I allowed my mind to marinate on what she said.
Maybe she was right. Who else did I have to think about other than myself, her and Katie? Kelly and I weren’t even close anymore; I guess the moment I was no longer interested in turning up or smoking weed, she no longer had time for me. When the press was around after I was released from the hospital, she was the first one giving interviews all in the news. As soon as they left, she was gone, too.
Just as my mama stood up to clean up her plate, there was a knock at the front door.
“Let me guess,” she began with a sarcastic tone. “That’s your baby daddy coming to spend time with his baby now that the baby is asleep.”
I didn’t even have the energy to reply and wouldn’t even if I did. She was right. Caesar was a waste of time and if it wasn’t for Katie, I wouldn’t even let him come around.
“Who in there? I heard another voice while I was waitin’.”
Staring at me from under hooded, suspicious eyes, he flexed his jaw as he waited for me to respond. I was so sick of this jealous streak he had developed. He didn’t own me.
“What do you mean? That’s my mama! She lives here, remember?”
Caesar pushed by me forcefully, letting himself into the house as if he belonged there. I closed the door and locked it, already agitated by his mere presence. Dragging my feet up under me, I followed in the direction that he’d gone and was further annoyed when I saw him sitting at the table, chewing on the sandwich my mama had made for me.
“Sunday, I’m goin’ to bed. I’ll get up to get my grand baby when she wakes up in the morning.”
My mama put extra emphasis on a few of her words and cut her eyes hard at Caesar as she spoke.
“You don’t see me sittin’ here?” he shouted so loud that I flinched.
“Caesar!”
“My eyes don’t see nobody that my grand baby don’t see,” my mama replied, matching his aggression with a dose of petty. She put an extra swish in her hips and sashayed to her room.
“That bitch gettin’ besides herself,” Caesar grumbled.
I blinked hard, knowing for sure that I had not heard what I thought I had.
“Excuse me? I know you didn’t just—”
Before I could finish the sentence, something began to ring. It was a phone, but I was confused. It wasn’t mine.
“That yours?” Caesar asked, noting the confusion on my face.
“No, it must be mama’s.”
That theory failed in the next moment when she opened her door and yelled, “Sunday, get that phone before you wake up that baby!”
“Either you lyin’ or somebody left they phone over here. Which is it?”
My throat felt like it was closing. If a phone had been left, it could only be King’s. But he hadn’t gone anywhere outside of the living room and the ringing was coming from my bedroom. I didn’t understand.
With Caesar hot on my heels, I took off down the hall and turned the room light on dim to find the source of the ringing. It didn’t take long for me realize that it was coming from the small box with the bow on top, the gift box that King had brought over for me. Though I’d opened the box he brought over for Katie, an electric rocker, I wasn’t able to open the one for me and I placed it on the top shelf of my closet instead.
I could feel Caesar’s heated stare on my back as I stood up on my toes and reached for it. Once I’d ripped the wrapping paper off, I pulled the top off of the box and noticed a small ring-sized box inside as well as the source of the ringing: a cell phone.
“Who bought this shit?” Caesar asked and snatched the phone from my hands.
I tried to hide my panic as I watched him go through it. There was no telling what he would see.
“Sunday, I asked you to leave with me and I understand your reasons for wanting to stay. I just want to let you know that offer will always remain. I know that right now you probably won’t accept any money from me, but I set some aside for you. I want to make sure that, regardless to what happens, you and Katie are set for life. With love always, King.”
Once Caesar was done reading the text message, he lifted his head and glared at me with so much hatred, the intensity and heat radiating from his eyes could probably melt metal and bones.
“So, basically, this nigga got me out in the streets, searchin’ for info and shit, workin’ for him when all the while, he’s in the background tryin’ to scoop my girl?”
Caesar reared his hand back as if he was going to smash the phone into pieces and then thought against it and slammed it hard against my forehead instead.
“You grimy bitch!”
The force of the phone against my forehead sent radiating pain shooting through my skull. I screamed and reached out for something—anything—to break my fall. My hand knocked against the door handle and I gripped it to stop from reeling backwards.
“I should kill you. You know that?”
Before I knew what was happening, Caesar had pulled a gun from his waist and had it aimed at my skull. He was standing so close to me that I noses nearly touched. My nose hairs singed at the smell of liquor on his breath. Not only was he drunk but he was high on something, I could see it in his eyes.
Percocets, I thought.
We had both been prescribed pain killers at the hospital, but I never used mine because I wasn’t positive that it didn’t affect my breast milk. Caesar, on the other hand, took his and mine. Now that he was in the streets again, percs and oxys were easy to get.
“Caesar, stop. I didn’t do anything,” I pleaded, looking from him to our daughter who was sleeping right behind him. “Our child is in here. Just chill, you’re not thinkin’ correctly.”
“Fuck all that! I’m sick of this shit, I’m sick of playin’ these games and I’m sick that muthafucka you been throwin’ in my fuckin’ face all these years!” He was yelling and spewing saliva into my face.
I was frozen in place by fear and scared to move a muscle. There was no doubt in my mind that Caesa
r wouldn’t kill me. He wasn’t the man I remembered him to be. Circumstances had changed the both of us, but he’d allowed them to get the best of him. I hadn’t spent much time around him, so I never picked up on all of the changes in him. Either that, or I simply didn’t care enough to pay attention.
“Now what you gon’ do right now is hit this nigga up and tell him that you want to see him when he leaves. Then you gon’ get him to tell you where he left the money he stashed for you. But before all that pop off, me and you gon’ have a lil’ chit-chat with the police to let them know that we found someone of interest to them.”
The fetid smell of his alcohol-scented breath stung my nose hairs yet again and I winced at the sordid scent. In this moment, I was terrified about what he would do next. One thing was for sure—he was definitely out of his mind; I was sure of that. There was no way I would call the Feds on King; I couldn’t be the reason for him to be locked up again.
“I’m not doing that. Caesar, you need to stop this crazy shit. I’m not callin’ the cops on King and you already know that.”
What I had yet to realize was that Caesar had the gun, so he was holding all the cards. There was a lot that could be said about a desperate person who had been pushed into a corner, but even more could be said about one who also had a gun.
“I already know that, huh?”
His tone was sinister as he pulled away, delivering what sounded like a dry cackle. The limp in his gait was even more pronounced than it had ever been before and I wondered if his physical condition was worsening.
When he stopped next to Katie’s bassinet and peered down at her with his lips twisted into an evil sneer, my breath caught in my lungs.
“Caesar, no!” I screamed and flung myself forward just as he reached over and forcefully snatched her tiny body into his rough hands.
“You think I’m kidding, don’t you? You think just because you got that nigga who acts like he runs everybody checkin’ for you again that I don’t deserve no respect?”