She laughed hollowly as she saw him out but she tried to do as he’d said. She spent the afternoon lying on the sofa and felt a little better when it was time to get ready to go to the hospital.
She dressed with care, putting on the blue dress again and spending extra time on her make-up to disguise the damage the past few days had wrought. There was no guarantee that Ben would see her, of course, but if he did, she had made up her mind that she would tell him the truth. She would tell him how she felt about him and hope that it would help him realise that they had too much to lose.
Adam went into the ward on his own at first. He was gone for a long time and Anna was close to despair when he finally came back to tell her that Ben had agreed to see her.
She made her way down the ward, feeling her heart racing as she approached the bed. Ben was strapped to a spinal board, his head supported by a cradle that stopped him turning and possibly damaging his spine. He looked so pale and drawn that all she wanted to do was to hug him and tell him that she loved him, but he didn’t give her the chance.
‘I only agreed to see you tonight because Adam begged me to,’ he said bluntly. ‘But it isn’t going to make any difference. I don’t want you visiting me here again. Is that clear?’
Anna shivered when she heard the harshness in his voice. Frankly, she had difficulty believing that he would speak to her that way. She felt a little spurt of anger rise hotly inside her. Ben had made up his mind and he wouldn’t even pay her the courtesy of discussing this situation!
‘No, it isn’t clear,’ she shot back. ‘I think I deserve to know what I’ve done wrong.’
‘You haven’t done anything wrong,’ he said flatly, staring at the ceiling.
‘Well, it certainly doesn’t feel like that to me!’ She moved closer to the bed so he couldn’t avoid having to look at her. ‘I think I deserve the truth, don’t you, Ben? After all, it isn’t that long ago that you told me that you loved me. I have to say that you have a very strange way of showing it!’
A rim of colour touched his pale cheeks. ‘I know what I said. And I know what you didn’t say. You made it perfectly plain at the time how you felt, Anna. All right, so you want the truth, do you? Well, the truth is that I don’t want your pity!’
‘Pity?’ she repeated numbly, struggling to make sense of what he was saying.
‘Yes!’ His dark eyes glinted dangerously as he glared up at her. ‘That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? You feel sorry for me because you think that I’m going to be crippled. Well, thank you very much but, no, thanks! I don’t want your charity.’
She was so stunned that she didn’t know what to say. Surely Ben didn’t believe such rubbish?
It seemed so incredible that she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry until she saw the anguish in his eyes. She was still struggling to find a way to convince him that he was completely wrong about her motives when he continued, and she went cold when she heard the finality in his voice.
‘Anyhow, I’ve had time to think while I’ve been lying here. There isn’t much else to do so it tends to concentrate your mind, you understand. I’ve realised that I made a mistake.’
‘A mistake?’ she repeated woodenly.
‘Yes. I’m sorry, Anna, but I think I got rather carried away that night we spent together. I’m sure we are both adult enough to accept that these things happen from time to time, especially when life has been stressful.’
Like that day had been, she thought sickly. That had been the day Lucy Wilkins had tried to kill herself, and Ben had been very upset about what had gone on. But was he really trying to claim that the only reason he had made love to her was because it had been a sort of…of release from all the emotional pressure?
She didn’t want to believe that, yet it was hard not to when he had sounded so certain. Hadn’t she wondered if he’d started to have second thoughts after the accident? It all seemed to fit but she had to be absolutely sure.
‘So what you’re really saying is that you don’t love me? Is that it, Ben?’
His lids lowered abruptly, almost as though he was too ashamed to look at her. ‘That’s right. I don’t love you, Anna. I’m sorry but I’m sure you understand that it’s better to be truthful.’
She bit her lip as she felt a wave of hysterical laughter bubbling inside her. She had gone to the hospital that night with the express intention of being truthful. How ironic that Ben had beaten her to it!
She left the ward without another word. What could she have said after that? Telling Ben that she loved him was out of the question now. Even if he believed her, he would only be embarrassed by the disclosure, and that was the last thing she wanted to do—embarrass him or herself. It was far better to say nothing than say something they would both regret.
Anna moved out of the flat over the surgery three days later. She had deliberately chosen the weekend because it meant that she didn’t need to tell anyone where she was going. She simply wrote Adam a note, telling him that she had found somewhere else to live, and pushed it through the surgery door along with the keys.
She had paid three months’ advance rental on a bedsit which the estate agency had found for her. The fact that the property had been vacant for some time was a good indication of the state of the place, but it would do. It was better than staying in Winton and being constantly reminded of what had happened.
The room was on the top floor of a dilapidated terraced house in one of the less salubrious areas of Manchester. Its main recommendation was that it came fully furnished, its biggest drawback the number of stairs that needed to be climbed to reach it. Anna knew that she wouldn’t be able to stay there after the baby was born because hauling a pram up and down all the stairs would be a nightmare. It was simply a stopgap, like the job in Winton had been, although, hopefully, this venture wouldn’t end so badly.
The days seemed to drag. She spent a lot of time in the nearby park because she hated sitting in the dingy room all day long. The weather was mild for the time of year and as long as she wrapped up warmly she enjoyed being outside. She didn’t get in touch with anyone from the surgery and took care not to go anywhere she might bump into people she knew. That episode in her life was over. She had to look to the future now, although it was painful to think about a future that didn’t feature Ben in it.
Christmas Day arrived, a day like any other, which she spent sitting in the park. There were a lot of people about—family groups walking off the effects of a heavy Christmas lunch and children trying out new bicycles and roller blades. Anna enjoyed watching them having fun, although it hurt to be reminded how alone in the world she was. She found herself wondering what Ben was doing and if he was still in hospital or at home in the cottage. Maybe he was spending the day with Adam and Beth, watching Hannah opening her presents. She sighed as she realised how quickly her thoughts had turned to him. Wherever he was, she doubted whether he was thinking about her.
She made her way back home through the growing dusk, wishing that she hadn’t stayed out in the cold so long when she felt the nagging ache in the small of her back. She turned on both bars of the little electric fire as soon as she got in and made herself a cup of tea, but the pain wouldn’t go away. Then, to cap it all, the electricity meter ran out and she didn’t have any money to put in it.
Anna sighed as she considered her options. There would be no shops open on Christmas Day, which left her with the choice of sitting in the cold and dark or knocking on her neighbours’ doors to see if they had any change. Although she hated to disturb them, she couldn’t sit there all night, freezing to death.
She found her purse then went to see if there was anyone in. The room next to hers was empty, but she could hear the sound of a television coming from below. She made her way downstairs, gasping when a searing pain suddenly shot through her back. It was so strong that she had to stop and take a deep breath, and it had barely passed when another one hit her, this one seeming to envelop the whole of her lower body.
Anna clung hold of the bannister rail, feeling her heart racing as she realised that she was in labour. The baby wasn’t due for more than three weeks but there was no doubt in her mind that that was what was happening.
She waited until the pain had eased sufficiently then made her way to the ground floor. There was a pay phone in the entrance hall so she used it to phone for an ambulance. The contractions were getting stronger now and she sent up a silent prayer that the baby wouldn’t arrive before the ambulance got there. She couldn’t bear the thought of the child being born there in the hall with no one around to help her. All of a sudden she found herself wishing that Ben was there with her, but there was no point wishing for something she couldn’t have. Ben didn’t love her, he never had. It had all been a dreadful mistake!
Two hours later Anna held her newborn son in her arms. She felt tears well in her eyes as she looked at his crumpled little face and realised how like Jo he looked. The midwife smiled as she came back to the bed to check on her.
‘Worth all the pain and strain, was he?’ she teased.
Anna summoned a sad little smile. ‘You have no idea how much this baby means to me.’
‘I’ve read your notes.’ The midwife patted her hand kindly. ‘This is your sister’s child, isn’t it? Do you want me to let her know what’s happened? I’m surprised she didn’t come in with you. Didn’t you have chance to get a message to her?’
‘My sister died,’ she explained hollowly.
‘Oh, I’m sorry! I had no idea.’ The midwife sighed sadly. ‘How awful for you in the circumstances. It’s the kind of thing that you can’t plan for, isn’t it? Anyway, is there anyone else you’d like me to get in touch with, then? Another relative or a friend, perhaps?’
‘No, there’s no one.’ Anna pressed a kiss to the baby’s downy head. She took a deep breath but there was no way that she could avoid facing up to the truth. ‘It’s just the two of us from now on, but that’s fine. We’ll manage. We don’t need anyone else.’
The midwife didn’t say anything else, but Anna had a feeling that she didn’t agree. Maybe the woman believed that everyone needed someone to help them, and maybe she was right.
She felt a piercing pain shoot through her heart and cuddled the baby closer, drawing comfort from the feel of his tiny body in her arms. The one person she needed wasn’t interested in her or her child. There was no point pretending otherwise because she had to get used to the idea. Ben had his life to lead and she had hers. Their paths would never cross again in the future.
Anna was transferred to the maternity ward a short time later. It was the early hours of the morning by then so she was put in a side room rather than disturb the rest of the mums in the main ward. She had a cup of tea that one of the nurses made for her then fell fast asleep, worn out by everything that had happened. When she awoke it was the middle of the morning and there was someone sitting beside her bed. She felt her heart turn over when she saw who it was.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
‘HELLO, Anna. How are you?’
‘Wh-what do you want, Ben? Why are you here?’
Anna heard the shrillness in her voice and bit her lip when she saw that Ben had heard it too. She pushed herself up against the pillows, staring at him with troubled eyes. Her mind was racing this way and that but she couldn’t work out why he had come to see her, let alone how he had known that she was in hospital.
‘I’ve been looking for you for weeks,’ he explained, and she shivered when she heard the grating note in his voice. He sounded as though he had been suffering an extreme kind of torment, yet she couldn’t understand what was wrong.
‘Why were you looking for me? I don’t understand…’
‘Because I’ve been going out of my mind, wondering what had happened to you! Dammit, Anna, didn’t you realise how worried everyone would be when you upped and left like that? Did it never occur to you to tell anyone where you were going?’
She blinked when she heard the fury in his voice. She cast him an uncertain look, feeling her heart starting to race when she saw the hollows in his cheeks, the new lines around his eyes. Ben looked like a man who had been put through the emotional wringer, but why? Because he had been worried about her? She didn’t want to let herself believe that but it was hard to dismiss the idea.
‘I thought it best if I made a clean break,’ she told him quietly, struggling to hold onto her composure.
‘And that’s why you disappeared off the face of the earth, is it?’ His tone was harsh yet beneath the anger she could hear the pain that laced each word and her racing heart simply beat all the faster.
‘What did you expect me to do?’ she countered. ‘You’d made it perfectly clear that you weren’t interested what happened to me—’
‘I lied.’
The terse admission stopped her dead. Anna stared at him, her grey eyes as big as saucers. ‘You lied? What do you mean?’
‘Exactly what I said,’ he shot back. ‘I lied when I told you that I didn’t love you. I lied when I said that I’d only spent the night with you because of what had happened that day. I’m not proud of what I did, and I’ve paid a hundred times over for it, believe me, but I lied.’
All of a sudden the anger seemed to drain from him and she saw tears fill his eyes. Reaching over, he caught hold of her hand and lifted it to his lips. ‘Oh, Anna, I love you so much. I’ve gone through hell these past weeks, wondering where you were and how you were managing. I know what I did was unforgivable but I had my reasons or, at least, I thought I had.’
‘You love me?’ she said numbly. She took a deep breath, wondering if she was hallucinating. This couldn’t be happening. Ben couldn’t be here sitting there, telling her that he loved her!
‘Yes.’ He kissed her fingers then looked deep into her shocked eyes. ‘I love you with all my heart, Anna Clemence. I know I don’t deserve a second chance but I’m hoping that you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me. I want to spend my whole life taking care of you and our baby if you’ll let me.’
‘Our baby?’ she said wonderingly.
‘That’s what he’ll be if you allow me back into your life, darling. He’ll belong to both of us, to you and me. I…I hope that you’ll let me be a real father to him.’
His voice broke at that point and he couldn’t go on. Anna felt a lump come to her throat when she saw the raw emotion on his face. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind at that moment that Ben was telling her the truth, and it was impossible to hide how much it meant to her.
Tears streamed down her face and she heard him utter a rough little sound when he saw them. He pulled her towards him, cradling her in his arms, holding her as though he would never let her go again. ‘Don’t cry, my love. Please, don’t cry. I can’t bear to see you unhappy,’ he whispered brokenly.
Anna gave a watery little laugh. ‘I’m not unhappy. I just can’t believe this is actually happening. It’s like all my dreams have suddenly come true.’ She took a deep breath then drew back so that she could look at him. ‘I love you, too, Ben. I should have told you how I felt before now but I was afraid.’
‘I know.’ He smiled into her eyes when she looked at him in surprise. ‘Beth told me what you had said to her in the hospital after the accident. I think she was trying to make me see what a mess I’d made of everything.’
‘Is that why you decided to try and find me?’ she asked gently, not really caring if it had been the reason. Ben was here and he loved her. Nothing else mattered except that!
‘No. I’d already made up my mind that I was going to find you even if it took me the next hundred years to track you down,’ he declared, looking at her in a way that made her heart drum. ‘What Beth told me only proved to me what a fool I’d been!’
She laughed at that. ‘I think we were both rather foolish. I should have told you sooner that I loved you…’
‘I understand why you didn’t, though.’ He kissed her gently on the mouth. His eyes were tender as he looked at her.
‘Beth told me what your brother-in-law said to you. It’s no wonder that you were afraid of making a mistake.’
‘I couldn’t bear the thought that you might come to regret having fallen in love with me,’ she admitted. She sighed when she saw the pain that crossed his face. ‘I know now that I was wrong, Ben, but I didn’t want to do anything that might end up hurting you or the baby.’
‘So, rather than do that, you turned your back on everyone you knew and decided to go it alone?’ he whispered huskily, and she could hear the anguish in his voice.
‘It seemed the best thing to do,’ she confessed. ‘I never meant to worry everyone.’
Ben sighed heavily as he ran his hand down her cheek to wipe away the tears. ‘We’ve all been worried about you, Anna. When Adam came to the hospital and told me that you’d moved out of the flat and that he had no idea where you’d gone, I think I went a little bit crazy. He had the devil of a job stopping me signing myself out there and then.’
‘I’m glad he did.’ She shuddered at the thought of him risking his health to find her.
He kissed her lightly on the mouth then drew back reluctantly. ‘He only managed it because he promised that he would do everything he could to find out where you’d gone. Quite frankly, I’ve been at my wits’ end these past weeks because he couldn’t find a trace of you.’
‘I didn’t want to be found,’ she admitted guiltily as she realised how much trouble she had caused. ‘That’s why I found a bedsit in the city. I knew that the chances of me bumping into anyone I knew in an area like that were very slim.’
‘No wonder Adam couldn’t find you.’ Ben’s expression was grim. ‘I dread to think how you’ve been managing these past weeks. It was pure good luck that I found out you’d been brought into the maternity unit last night otherwise I might never have discovered where you had gone to.’
The Baby Issue Page 16