by Ward, Alice
I shook my head and stared at my computer screen. “Renee was pretty clear about her feelings. James and I can’t be together, as in the same physical space, without her supervision. Not until we ‘learn to be brother and sister and these other feelings disappear’,” I said, over exaggerating the air quotes, my voice filled with a bitterness I couldn’t hide. “Otherwise, she won’t have anything to do with us.”
Matt raised an eyebrow. “You know, you could just call her bluff,” he suggested with a devilish smile. “James is her only child. She could never cut off her relationship with him. And she’s out of her mind if she thinks Cole would do that to you. Just stand your ground. I bet Renee would back down.”
I’d already considered what he was suggesting. In fact, I’d spent the past twenty-four hours weighting the pros and cons of all of my options. I knew Renee had the upper hand. “It’s not worth the risk,” I said, my voice flat. “And there’s too much working against us. James was right when he tried to end this before it really started. He was right again when he said we should tell the truth. Why the hell didn’t I listen to him? Why did I have to be so damn stubborn?”
“Because when you put your mind to something, you’re blinded to everything else,” he replied, his tone matter of fact. “That’s why the program is doing so well, it’s one of the reasons we all love you, and it’s why I’m certain that you and James can still find a way to make this work.”
I met his eye and with the slightest hint of a smile on my face. “I appreciate the way you always support and believe in me. If I hadn’t had you to talk to through all this, I have no idea how I’d have gotten through it. But it’s over now, Matt. It has to be. I need you to support that too.”
He sighed and reached for my hand. “Whatever you need, Willow.”
Our tender moment was interrupted when my cell phone started wailing. I recognized the severe weather alert tone and quickly swiped the screen.
“Holy shit,” I groaned and jumped up from my seat. “There’s another fucking storm headed our way,” I said as I rushed out of the office. “And this one’s bringing lightening and straight line winds. Mother fucker, we’re already standing in water. This could be a disaster.”
“How long do we have?” Matt asked as we rushed around the barn, gathering gear.
“A few hours, max,” I replied, slinging lasso ropes over my shoulder. “Huck, James, and Dallas just moved a bunch of the mustang and quarter horse stock into their barns this morning and half of the cattle are in the lower pasture. We’ve got to get everyone moved into open, high ground. If you’ll get our horses saddled, I’ll drive around on the ATV and tell everyone what’s going on,” I suggested as we raced outside.
“Looks like most of them got the same alert you did,” he said, nodding towards the house. Daddy and Renee had just stepped out on the porch and Mason, John, and Harrison were walking toward us from the bunkhouse.
“Willow, there’s a huge storm coming,” Daddy called out as he rushed down the steps. “We’ve got to get the horses saddled and the livestock moved.”
“Daddy, go back inside,” I insisted. “We can take care of this. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Nonsense,” he insisted with a wave of his hand. Renee followed close behind him, her face white with worry. “This is my ranch,” Daddy continued. “It’s my job to protect it.”
“I’ll take care of it, Cole,” James said. I turned to see him walking up from the stables. “Dallas and I have the horses saddled. Huck and Colton are already opening gates through all of the pastures. We’ll get everyone moved to high ground and be back before it even starts sprinkling.”
“Matt and I will help too,” I added. “We’ve already got too many people. Why don’t you stay inside and get the house ready for the storm?”
“That’s a great idea,” Renee agreed. “If the winds are as bad as they’re predicting, we’ll all have to move to the basement shelter. We should stay inside and get supplies ready.”
Daddy sighed, knowing he was outnumbered. “Okay. But be careful, kids. And if the storm hits before you’re finished, stop what you’re doing and get inside. The only thing I’d hate more than losing livestock is losing one of you.”
“I’ll take care of everyone, Cole,” James promised.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you, son,” Daddy replied. A proud smile crossed his face and I knew that Renee was right. The four of us were becoming a family. James and I couldn’t jeopardize that by being together.
“We’ll be back soon, Daddy,” I said. I gave him a quick hug and then rushed to the stables.
“Willow, what do you want us to do with the thoroughbreds?” Mason called after me.
“Shut all of the barn windows and secure them from the exterior,” I called over my shoulder. “Then empty the stables and secure as many of the other buildings as you can.”
“You don’t want us to turn the thoroughbreds out to the pasture?” Harrison asked.
I shook my head. “Their barn is much more secure than the others,” I told him. “There’s a concrete foundation under all of that dirt and straw and the walls are reinforced with steel. I’ll ride out the storm with them. If anyone spooks or the walls start shaking, I’ll turn them loose then.”
“You got it, boss,” Mason replied just as I reached the stables.
“If you two will start driving the horses to the upper pasture, I’ll meet up with the guys and help them with the cattle,” James said as we climbed into our saddles. “If you need help, I can send Huck or Colton.”
“We can handle it,” I said, my voice even but my heart heavy. James wouldn’t look at me and it seemed like he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. I hung my lassos over my saddle horn and turned to Matt.
“Did you grab a flare gun?” I asked.
He held up the red gun and I turned back to James.
“If we get into trouble, we’ll signal you. If you see a flare, send Dallas.”
He nodded, his eyes still staring straight ahead. I gave Mayhem a gentle nudge to the flank, and Matt and I left the stables without another word.
***
Three hours later, I sat in the barn and watched the storm clouds roll in. Trees bent in the wind and thunder shook the ground as giant rain drops crashed to the earth. I left the barn door half open, moved my chair a few feet back to protect myself from the water, and watched lightening dance across the sky. The barn was dark and aside from a few blows and nervous snorts, the horses were quiet.
Daddy and Renee had tried to put up a fight when I said I was going to stay in the barn, but I managed to convince them that I’d be okay. As I watched the winds blow a horse trough down the driveway, I started second guessing my decision. When lightning struck one of our feed silos, I knew I’d made a mistake.
We’ve never had a storm like this. I should have pastured the horses and gone to the basement with everyone else.
I rushed to the back of the barn and pushed open the pasture door. Wind whipped water across my face, stinging my eyes. I felt horrible about sending the horses into the storm, but I knew they had a better chance of surviving the storm outside. I opened the stall doors one at a time, and no one needed coaxing to leave the barn. They raced into the pasture and I shut the door behind them.
They’d have never survived the barn being struck. I should be fine as long as I stay away from the walls.
I returned to my chair and saw that the first ten feet of the barn floor was covered in water. I knew I should shut the door against the rain, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was entranced by the chaos outside. It was as if Mother Nature knew my heart was broken, and she was mourning on my behalf.
Squinting, I made out a dark figure approaching from the distance. Matt had left the ranch before the storm broke and there was only one other person who’d brave that kind of weather to check on me. A few moments later, James rushed through the door.
“Are you okay?” he asked, droppin
g the hood of his rain slicker. He finally met my eyes and my heart broke a little bit more. James looked as destroyed as I felt.
“I’m fine. Lightning hit one of the feed silos, so I turned the horses loose.”
“I brought you a slicker,” he said, pulling a rolled up rain jacket out from under his. “Let’s get back to the house.”
I shook my head. “I’m actually enjoying the show,” I confessed. “The weather fits my mood right now.”
“Would you mind a little company?” he asked, his chocolate eyes full of despair. I wanted to talk to him, to comfort him. But I was afraid to let him stay.
“Won’t Renee get upset if you’re not back right away?” I asked. “How did you manage to get out here in the first place?”
“Your dad was going to come check on you,” he explained as he pulled over an empty chair. “I volunteered to come instead and she couldn’t really argue. I won’t stay long… I just think that we should talk.”
It was the first time we’d been alone together since Renee found us in the cabin. I’d been dreading the conversation I knew we had to have. But James wasn’t giving me much of a choice. He sat down, cleared his throat, and began.
“The way I see it, we have two choices. We can call Mom’s bluff and see what happens, or we can play by her rules.”
“The way I see it, we don’t have a choice at all,” I said, choking on my emotions. “I don’t think Renee’s bluffing. I don’t know how Daddy would react if he knew about all of this, and I don’t think I want to find out.”
“Yeah… I don’t think she’s bluffing either,” he confessed, his voice barely a whisper. We both sat silently and watched the storm for a few moments.
“I love you, James. I always will. I don’t know how we’re going to move on from here. But I know we have to try.”
He nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat. “I know… I love you too, Willow. I can’t imagine that I’ll ever love anyone else the same.”
The thought of him even attempting to love anyone else was a dagger to my soul, but I knew I couldn’t let that show. If either of us started crying, we’d end up finding comfort in each other’s arms again. And we couldn’t keep falling into each other. If Renee caught us again, it would be the end of life as we’d always known it.
“I know it seems impossible,” I said. “But eventually, you’ll have to try to love someone else. We both will, James. Otherwise, we’ll spend our entire lives pining for each other.”
“I think I’m going to leave Colorado, Willow. I can’t stay here, not right now… not if I can’t have you.”
I nodded, still determined to keep my tears at bay. “How long will you be gone?”
“As long as it takes to forget you,” he replied. “Maybe forever… at least until it doesn’t hurt so much. I’m going to wait until the paternity test results come in, so I can leave with a clear conscious.”
“So you’ll be gone in a week?” I asked, staring out into the storm. I felt my pulse pounding in my neck and knew that I was nearing a breakdown.
“I’m hoping to take off the day after the wedding… I want you to promise me something, Willow.”
I would promise you anything… but I can give you nothing.
“I need you to promise that you’ll never for settle for less than what we had,” he continued, his eyes fixed to the muddy floor. “Either find someone who makes you as happy or happier than I did, or wait for me.”
“Wait for you?” I repeated his last words, trying to understand their meaning.
“Mom thinks we’re too young to know that this is forever. But if a few years pass and our feelings don’t, maybe she’ll understand that we were right all along. I hate the thought of going years without you. But it’s better than the thought of going a lifetime.”
Pain and hope coursed simultaneously through my body and I turned away from him before I fell into his arms. “I promise. Now please, you should get back to the house. Tell Daddy I’m fine and if the winds get worse, I’ll come home.”
“You’re right, I’ve been gone too long already,” he agreed as he rose to his feet. “The last thing we need is Cole worrying about both of us.” He left the extra rain jacket on his chair and walked towards the door. Just before he stepped out into the storm, he paused and turned back to me.
“I love you so much, Willow. And I’m so sorry.”
“I love you too,” I said as silent tears rolled down my cheeks. “But please, I need you to leave now.”
He disappeared into the darkness and I kept my composure until I was confident he was too far away to hear me. Then, I let myself have a good, hard cry that rivaled the volume of the storm raging outside.
***
“I’m so sorry, Willow,” Matt said as he tossed an armful of tree limbs into a burn pile. “I knew I should have stayed with you last night. I can’t get the image of you crying alone in the barn out of my head.”
“It’s okay,” I assured him, tears pricking my eyes once again at his concern. “I needed the time alone. As crazy as it may sound, crying in the rain was cathartic. I calmed down as the storm did and I woke up this morning feeling like it was a new beginning.” I added branches to the pile and we moved further into the pasture.
The ranch had come through the storm with much less damage than I’d expected. Trees had been uprooted and part of the cattle barn’s roof had blown off, but other than the feed silo, nothing had been destroyed. We’d also been lucky with the livestock. Everything was covered in mud and a bit shaken, but we hadn’t lost a single animal. I decided to take it as a sign that something good was on the horizon.
“I’m glad you feel better. But I still wish there was something I could do for you. How about we go to town for dinner tonight,” he suggested. “My treat.”
I shook my head as we each lifted an end of a large oak branch. “I have to eat at home tonight. We’re having another wedding planning session. But if you don’t mind, I might come crash at your place afterwards. I can’t take Renee’s watchful eye much longer. I swear, I half expect her to put bells on the doors so she knows when I leave the house. I can’t move without her following me.”
“You can crash with me anytime,” he said, looking at me with sympathy. Then he brightened. “I’ll pick up a bottle of wine on my way home. We should have a marathon of cheesy horror movies, those always make you feel better.”
“I don’t know,” I laughed as we heaved the branch onto the pile. “I think reality has been horrific enough lately.” I checked the time as we walked back to the ATV.
“Shit, Renee said dinner would be ready at six. It’s a quarter after five already and I really need a shower.”
Matt slid behind the wheel and I crawled in beside him. “So we’re calling it a day?” he asked, pointing the ATV towards the gate.
“The limbs aren’t going anywhere. It’ll be weeks before it’s dry enough to burn them. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the ranch so wet.”
Mud flew around us Matt drove through the pasture. “You haven’t,” Matt said. “I heard on the news this morning that we haven’t had this much rain since the late sixties. And to make things even messier, we’re supposed to get light showers tonight.”
“I know,” I groaned. “I can’t wait to get to New York.”
“Just one more day until we leave,” he sang, lifting my spirits. “And three more days until Mondo makes history.”
“From your lips to God’s ears,” I said as we pulled up to the house. I hopped down to the ground. “I’ll text when I’m heading your way.”
“See you soon,” he called as he backed down the driveway.
I stepped into the house and heard Daddy and Renee’s voices coming from the kitchen. I wasn’t in the mood to talk, so I quietly crept down the hallway and into my bedroom. I grabbed yoga pants and a t-shirt, made my way to the bathroom, and took a long, hot shower. I scrubbed my skin, imagining that I was washing away everything that had happened since James wa
lked into my life. I tried to find comfort in the idea of us finding our way back together once Renee felt we were “old enough”, but solace never came. I knew I had to find a way to let him go, but I had no idea where to start.
Maybe I should give Colby a call when we land in New York… he might be just the distraction to make me feel better.
I dismissed the thought the moment after it crossed my mind. I wasn’t sure what I needed, but I was certain that Colby Spencer wasn’t the answer. I turned off the shower and realized that the rainstorm had arrived early. I dressed quickly, pulled my hair into a ponytail, and joined Daddy and Renee in the kitchen.
“Hey, pumpkin,” Daddy greeted me from his spot at the table. “I didn’t hear you come in. I was just about to walk down to the feed silo when the damn rain started again. Did you get a look at it today?”
“Yes. Actually, I think I saw every inch of the ranch today. The bottom lands, at least. I took pictures of all of the damage and filed a claim with the insurance company. The silo is completely destroyed and it will probably be best to replace the entire roof on the cattle barn instead of trying to patch it. The rest of the damage is minor, busted troughs and that sort of thing. They’re supposed to send a claims agent out tomorrow.”
“Willow, you’ve done such a wonderful job taking care of things for your father,” Renee said from the counter. By her tone, anyone would have thought she was my proud mother. She tossed chunks of zucchini into a bowl and started chopping a handful of mushrooms.
“Thank you, Renee, but I can’t take all the credit. James and the other guys handled most of the manual labor today. I mostly sat on the ATV… speaking of James, I thought he’d be here by now,” I said, my voice friendly and my face as calm as I could make it. She flinched a little at her son’s name, but Daddy was lost in a newspaper and didn’t notice.
Renee and I had been putting on quite a show for Daddy. When he was around, she did a fantastic job of acting like nothing had ever happened. She beamed at me with pride, gave me love filled compliments, and doted on me like I was her own child. I was taking advantage of it and mentioning James as much as possible. I knew that it infuriated her, but she couldn’t let it show. Not unless she wanted Daddy to catch on to the tension. She could force me to play by her rules, but I refused to be nice about it.