“This is the second one, actually.”
“Excuse me?” I looked around as if someone were watching us, though it couldn’t be anything like that. I thought of her attackers, but they hadn’t known who she was and hadn’t taken her purse, so they didn’t know her address. It couldn’t be that.
“It must be my neighbors. They’re really sweet and have left me baked goods on my doorstep in the past, you know? They knew I was hurt, and it’s super sweet of them to make sure I’m okay. That must be it. I’ll thank them tomorrow.”
It didn’t sit well with me, but Sienna didn’t seem worried. Considering that we had been stressed out for the last half of the evening because of our own irrational fears, I figured this was just fine. It had to be fine. So, I walked her to her door, kissed her again, and waited for her to click the lock shut before I went back to my car.
But I couldn’t help but look at the mailbox.
I couldn’t help but wonder why someone would leave a rose. According to her…again.
Chapter Eleven
Asking for help sucks. Not asking for help is suckier.
-Sienna, age 10 after failing her science project.
* * *
Sienna
This was not my first time on this couch, and I knew it wouldn’t be my last. I looked around at the tan walls, and dark furniture, and the hanging photos that were of nothing and yet calming at the same time. Nothing was too bright, too bold, too sad, or too anything. It might have seemed bare to others, but I knew Mary did her best to ensure that the office was soothing and welcoming.
It didn’t make it any easier today, however.
There was a rustling of paper and fabric against leather. “So, Sienna, how about you tell me a little bit of what you’ve been up to since I last saw you.”
I looked up at Mary and tried to smile. I liked Mary. I respected her. But it was hard to smile. Hard to cry. Hard to do much of anything when I didn’t know what to feel.
It had been at least six months since I last saw her. And I knew I probably should have seen her far more and sooner, considering everything that had happened over the past few months. But it was easier to tell myself that everything would be fine, that there was nothing wrong. That I could just talk with my friends and talk about myself. That I was totally healthy and doing great all on my own.
But that wasn’t the case.
Considering what had happened the weekend before with Aiden? Not even close to being the case.
“I’m sorry for spacing so long between visits. But I thought I was doing okay.” I was okay. But what okay meant for me had changed.
Mary just gave me a smile and nodded.
“Don’t be sorry about asking for help. And don’t be sorry for thinking you’re okay. Because you don’t need to talk about everything with me. I’m here to listen. I’m here for you to tell me what you need to. I’m not here to pry. I’m not here to strip all of your secrets. I’m just here.”
“And to think I used to come here just for anxiety.” I said the words casually, and she just smiled at me. A smile that wasn’t condescending but just told me that I wasn’t alone.
It didn’t feel like she was placating me, only that she was really here to listen. And I needed to get back in the habit of actually allowing someone to hear me.
“I told you in my call before I came about Allison…” I let my words trail off, unsure of what else to say.
“I know. It hasn’t been that long since it happened. We can start there if you’d like.”
She looked at me, and I forced myself to look away. Instead, I looked at the billowing curtains as they swayed in the breeze from the ceiling fan. It was hard to put into words what I felt. Probably because the aching numbness that had been there when I first heard that Allison was gone hadn’t completely gone away. Instead, it’d just festered to the point that sometimes I felt everything through the numbness, though not often enough.
Even when I’d been held against the wall with that man’s hands on my throat, I’d felt something…but when I thought back to it, I couldn’t pinpoint every sensation, every breath, every emotion. It was as if I were looking through a bubble and I couldn’t quite figure out what I needed to feel.
That was why I was here.
That and Aiden.
Because Aiden knew I needed to talk about it. And I was afraid to talk about it with anyone else.
Would I talk to him about it?
I didn’t know.
I wanted to.
He’d told me that he had feelings for me before…and I didn’t know what to make of that. Then I’d blurted the same to him and yet…yet it wasn’t the same. It couldn’t be the same. Because we were already past the part where we were. Where things could go back.
“Sienna? Talk to me about Allison.”
I pushed those thoughts away and thought of my best friend. Then it all came back.
“I want to know why. I think I’m at the angry stage of grief. Because I just want to know why she did it. And then it makes me feel selfish because it’s not about me. It was about her. And all the signs that we missed. And the fact that she’s gone and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“That is a lot in very few sentences. Why don’t we talk about it?”
“I just don’t understand. But maybe if I was supposed to understand, I would have understood before it happened.”
“You can’t change the past, Sienna. You can’t fix something that’s already happened.”
“I just didn’t see it. She was unhappy, and now she’s gone. And there’s nothing I can do.”
“Having someone you love take their own life is hard on many, many levels. Not having answers is something that you’re going to have to work through, and it may always be there for you, but I know you have a wonderful support system.”
“Allison had that same support system.”
“Yes, but I don’t know Allison, she wasn’t my patient. If she had been, this wouldn’t be something we could talk about. I don’t know what drove her to take her own life. I don’t know why she didn’t leave a note. None of us have those answers, but I’m here for you right now. I’m here for the answers that you can have. And to figure out how you’re feeling right now.”
“I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m pissed off. I’m just devastated. She was my best friend. I know Harmony and Violet are my best friends too, but Allison was my person. She was my person, and she’s gone.”
“Why don’t you tell me something that makes you happy about her. Just one memory.”
“When I was younger, I couldn’t figure out exactly how to put on my makeup the way I wanted. There weren’t exactly YouTube tutorials for that back then, even though I’m not that ancient,” I said with a laugh.
Mary just raised a brow, and considering she was a little less than a decade older than me, I should probably watch my step.
“So, every time, I ended up with dark raccoon eyes instead of the perfect smoky eye, and Allison would come over and fix it for me. Because she knew exactly how to do it with ease, with a smile.”
“Go on,” Mary said, and I did. I told her about dances, how Allison always knew how to make us laugh and was the life of the party. And we just talked.
I had talked about Allison often with my family and with the Connollys. We were all still grieving, but we were moving on. My sister and Harmony had fallen in love, and all of us were trying to figure out exactly how to make things work without answers. We had packed up Allison’s home and had broken down while doing it. But we were human. And now we needed to figure out exactly what to do.
“Why don’t you tell me what else is on your mind?” Mary said after we had talked about Allison for a little bit. We only had an hour to speak, and I had a lot on my mind.
“I also told you about the attack,” I said quickly. Mary leaned forward and nodded. She didn’t touch me, and for that I was grateful. I wasn’t afraid that Mary would hurt me, but it just reminded me of the man
’s hand on my throat, and even that guy’s hand on my butt at the game.
“I just feel so stupid about how it happened.”
“It’s not your fault. You were prepared, but sometimes being prepared isn’t enough. That’s something that we all come to realize. Why don’t you tell me exactly how you feel right now?”
“That I need to be stronger.”
“That’s not always the answer, Sienna.”
“Then I don’t know what the answer is.”
“So, we can talk about that.”
“It doesn’t help that everything’s all connected. The fact that Aiden blames himself, but it’s not his fault. He was just going to get his phone. And I should have been safe. I wasn’t. And then he got hurt because of me.”
“Sienna.”
I held up my hand. “I know it’s not rational. But that’s what my brain’s thinking. And that’s why I need to talk it out. That’s why I need help. And you know I hate asking for help, but here we are.”
“Your hands fist at your sides and you play with lint on your knees when you say Aiden’s name. Let’s talk about that.”
“I went on a date with him,” I said quickly. “I went on a date with my dead best friend’s ex-boyfriend. The same ex-boyfriend that got hurt because he was trying to protect me from people who wanted to take my money and whatever else they could in that alley. So, yeah, it’s complicated, and I have no idea what to feel. And then these guys got drunk and touched me at the hockey game, and Aiden got angry. He gets so angry these days, and he got angry, and then I got scared, and he backed away. And it just pisses me off because I can’t control what I’m feeling. I can’t control anything. And I just don’t know what to do about it anymore.”
Mary looked at me and then nodded, taking notes. So many notes.
“You love him.”
It wasn’t a question, but my eyes widened, my heart speeding up just enough that I knew she could tell. Mary saw everything.
“I’ve loved him as Aiden Connolly since I was in high school. That love isn’t the same as it was then, and it’s not the same now. He’s part of my life, even though there were times when he wasn’t because that’s drama and family and how people move apart. I don’t know if I’m making the right decision dating him. But it’s hard not to want to be with him even if I know it might be wrong, even if I know it might be too complicated. He makes me happy. Even for those few moments, he makes me smile.”
Mary smiled then and nodded. “Then that’s a start. Let’s talk some more.”
And so we did, we talked about Allison, the attack, and Aiden, and exactly what I was feeling. The hour flew by, and I knew we’d be meeting again the next week, and the next, and the next. Because we’d just broached the subjects, and even though each one could have been its own session, they were so convoluted and connected in my head that I had to just blurt it all out.
I wasn’t really good at therapy. I didn’t go as often as I needed to, but I figured it was time. And Violet was going now, and that was good. I knew that Violet hadn’t been able to deal with being the one who found Allison well and had needed to talk it out. She still did. I knew Harmony had gone to therapy as well, especially after she lost her husband. I didn’t know if she went now. It seemed like such a private thing that I didn’t want to ask.
I didn’t know if I was going to tell anyone that I was in therapy. But I figured maybe I should tell Aiden. Considering that he was going to be a major part of what I talked about. And that was why it was so complicated. He was a major part of a lot of things. A lot of things that I thought and talked about.
It was my day off, and though I had paperwork to do, my brain was a little too full just then.
So I picked up some sushi takeout and headed home, ready to just veg out and pretend that everything was just fine—even when it wasn’t.
I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling, but I felt like I was on a precipice ready to take that next step. Would I falter? Or would I actually land on my two feet?
Because I had been telling Mary the truth in my session. I loved Aiden. I just didn’t know if I was in love with him.
And that was a huge distinction.
As soon as I got home, all four cats came to me, trying to sniff my bag.
“No fish for you. You have food in your bowl, you little lazybones.”
All four of them tried to needle, to use those cute little purrs and to bat those lashes on those little eyes of theirs so they could get sushi out of me, but I would not relent.
It was bad enough that I was eating sushi in Colorado, I wasn’t going to let my cats eat off my plate while I was there.
I sat at my kitchen bar and snacked on my dinner, ignoring the cats as they tried to jump on the counter for a bite of their own.
When my phone lit up, I looked down at it and smiled.
That had to count for something. Seeing Aiden’s name and smiling instinctively?
Maybe I was on the right path.
Aiden: Just checking in.
Me: Just got home. Fighting my cats for my sushi.
Aiden: Sounds like life or death.
Aiden: Crap. Didn’t mean to say it like that.
It was weird to think how many times all of us used sayings like that, about death and killing and all those little things that meant so much more. But the fact that we were all aware of it in our vernacular had to count for something.
“Just breathe,” I whispered to myself.
Me: It’s fine. Seriously. Really. But you should probably know I was at therapy today.
See? Just rip off that Band-Aid.
Aiden: You okay?
I smiled. Damn it. It was going to be hard holding back from this man and protecting my heart. The thing was, I didn’t think I had a choice.
Me: I will be. Hence the therapy.
There was a moment when I just saw those little bubbles moving, and I wondered what he was going to say.
Aiden: I’m here if you ever want to talk. I know you didn’t before, at least not to me, so I’m glad you’re talking to someone. I’m not great with words, I’m really not great with texting, but I can be here. Diego too. And I want to try out that dating thing again. I think it’s time we tried this right. Without drunk dude-bros.
I traced his words with my fingers. Did I want more? Did I want to risk everything?
I kind of already was.
And that was the problem.
Because we were already moving down this path. And I didn’t think there was any turning back.
Me: I think a date would be nice. You’re working all evening?
Aiden: Yeah, just in the stockroom. You should come in tonight.
Me: The stockroom you say?
Aiden: Yeah, every time I’m in here, I think of your lips. Got to be a good thing.
I grinned. Oh, sexy talk with Aiden over the phone? In a text? This was new.
Me: Well, if I get to come down tonight, I might have to visit you in the stockroom.
Aiden: And now I’m hard. Thanks.
I grinned.
Me: And my work here is done. Be safe with all those knives. Take care of that hand. And I’ll try to see you later.
Aiden: You suck, short stack. See you soon.
I grinned as I set down the phone and shooed all the cats away from my food.
This was going to work. I wasn’t going to mess this up. We weren’t going to mess this up. And I was actually talking. Maybe not to my family, and perhaps not directly to Aiden. But to someone. So, I counted that as a win. Because I wanted to be okay. I might not have all the answers, but I wanted to be able to walk around and not feel scared. I just wanted to work out exactly what I felt for Aiden.
And if I were honest with myself, I wanted to figure out exactly what he felt for me.
Even if it scared me.
Chapter Twelve
Aiden
I’d already had a day from hell, and I really just wanted a beer and to go to bed. It didn�
�t matter that it was seven o’clock at night and it was my night off, I was just exhausted.
I’d had issues in the kitchen all day, mostly because we were all trying to get back into the swing of things with me actually being able to use my hands, but it wasn’t easy when the recipes that I wanted to try out didn’t work the way I wanted.
I always joked that I was the best chef out there, but I knew I wasn’t. I knew that I was damn good at my job, and sometimes you had to make mistakes in order to figure out what would work on a line as well as on a menu. We’d tried a new appetizer that had ended up taking too many steps since we wanted to start fresh rather than from frozen, and one of our entrees hadn’t been ordered with as much as we’d hoped for.
That meant that today hadn’t been the easiest of days. I hated the fact that something we tried out didn’t work like we wanted it to, and it had wasted time. I didn’t cook shit food, I made damn amazing food. But, sometimes, it didn’t work for the season and place. So, we learned. We tested. And I spent hours going over how to do my job and still love it. I wasn’t in a Michelin-starred restaurant anymore. And while I missed it, I loved my family and my place that was part of my past.
It just wasn’t what I used to have, so I figured out how to make it my own. Even if it felt like a step down.
Brendon and Cameron had come in later than I had since they were working the late shift and had growled at each other over one thing or another. Apparently, neither of them had had enough time to spend with their women, so now they were taking their issues of not getting laid out on each other and me.
Dillon wasn’t working today since he had school and lots of studying to do. The kid was working on his gen-eds and perhaps a business degree before he decided if he wanted to try culinary school. I’d only had Beckham to lean on, and that wasn’t the greatest thing. Especially considering that Beckham tended not to talk and just glowered or made jokes that might have been funny in other situations.
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