Saving Kenna

by D. L. Raver

  I put my hand to the hard wood, just in case he really was sitting on the other side. I left it there as I laid on the floor and fell asleep.

  When I woke in the morning, my eyes were swollen shut. I went to the sink and splashed my face with cold water until I could pry them open. The woman I saw reflected in the mirror was a ghost of my former self.

  This woman was gaunt with dark circles under her eyes.

  This woman was a fucking mess.

  I sighed out my sadness as the events of last night replayed. I knew then, I couldn’t stay here. As hard as it would be, it was time for me to go home. It wasn’t fair to make Sloan continually deal with my crazy, broken self.

  Hearing Sloan blame himself destroyed me because the simple, nasty truth was a part of me blamed him too. I didn’t know how to move beyond that, and his apology only worsened the pain. Best to leave now when I could still hold on to what love I had for him.

  Because he deserved better.

  Because I deserved better.

  But better wasn’t in the cards for me. The best I could hope for was just being.

  Thankfully, when I emerged from the bathroom, the loft was empty; Sloan was gone. Somehow, it didn’t surprise me. He’d left because he couldn’t, or didn’t want to, deal with the reality of our relationship.

  But that was Sloan—leaving was his strong suit; staying wasn’t.

  How many times did I need to be reminded of that? It didn’t matter he had wanted to do different, and he said he wished he had done differently. Actions spoke louder than words. When the shit got too real, he fled. So if this was his better, I was pretty sure it wasn’t good enough.

  Old habits die hard, I thought bitterly as I searched the bedroom for the phone Sloan had bought me. Finding it on the bedside table, I dialed Cory’s number.

  “This is Cory,” his gruff, all-lawyer voice answered.

  “Cory, it’s Kenna.” I held my breath and waited for his response.

  “Kenna? Oh my God. K-girl, how are you?”

  “I-I.” I stuttered as I tried not to cry. It had been so long since I’d heard Cory call me by my childhood nickname. “I want to go home. Can you pick me up?”

  “Where’s Sloan, Kenna? What happened? I’ll kill him if he hurt you.”

  “He didn’t hurt me. I just—I just need to go home.”

  “Text me the address and I’ll be there within the hour.”

  “Thank you.”

  I ended the call and texted Cory the address to the loft, and then I took a quick shower.

  Later, after I was home, I would text Sloan and tell him I had left. Hopefully, he’d understand my need for distance and would respect that, but it really didn’t matter.

  Even if this was the coward’s way out, seeing him face to face seemed crueler somehow. This was my decision and nothing would change it.

  If he had stayed, then maybe things would be different. But he didn’t, and they weren’t.

  As promised, Cory pulled up in front of the loft just as I was shutting the door.

  “Kenna!” My brother rushed from the car and pulled me into an uncharacteristic, all-encompassing hug. “I missed you K-girl. Are you all right?”

  He stepped back from me and inspected every inch of me; his green-eyed gaze critical with each pass he made. He looked good in a navy shirt and tie. His sandy blond hair was longer than normal, hitting just above his collar. I swear he’d filled out some.

  “You’re skinnier than you used to be. Mom won’t like this. She screamed into the phone when I told her I was on my way to bring you home. I’m pretty sure I have permanent damage.” He hit the right side of his head by his ear and shook his head.

  “Can we go? I’d like to get home.” I didn’t want to run into Sloan.

  “Sure.” He opened the passenger side door of his Camaro for me, and I climbed in. “Uh Kenna, where’s Sloan?”

  “I don’t know where he is.” I shrugged and left it at that. I really didn’t want to elaborate.

  “Okay.” He started the car and pulled into traffic. “Does he know you’ve decided to go home?”

  “Nah. I’ll text him. But I’m sure he’s sick of me.” I stared straight ahead with my Ray Bans on, hiding the tears welling in my eyes.

  Fuck, I’m so sick of crying.

  “So you’re okay, K-girl?” He grabbed my hand and squeezed. “I mean, really okay?”

  “Sure Cory. I’m good,” I lied with a confident, sure voice. “Good as new.”

  “So Sloan? When did that happen?” I could hear the brotherly concern and while I loved him for it, it also kind of pissed me off because behind the concern was condemnation.

  “Years. It’s always been him.”

  Until now. I’m pretty sure he’s not for me anymore.

  Cory rubbed the back of his neck. “How the hell did I miss that? Years? Seriously? How many years?”

  “A few. On and off. If it makes you feel better, he tried to stay away from me.” I thought back to the first time he kissed me. The memories were bitter sweet; a reminder of what could have been.

  “It doesn’t matter now. I’m pretty sure it’s over.” I swallowed hard past the lump in my throat. This nightmare seemingly had no end.

  Even though I knew Cory wanted to interrogate me, ask me what had happened between Sloan and me, he didn’t. We kept the conversation light and unimportant.

  “How’s Rachel?” I asked, figuring he’d tell me nothing new.

  “Kenna.” He turned to me and there was wariness—and maybe an apology—in his eyes. “We’re engaged. Rachel and I are getting married.”

  “What!” My mouth hung open in surprise. It wasn’t that I was surprised by his proposal, but I was having a hard time not being jealous of everyone’s lives. Suddenly, I felt like my absence meant little to the people I called my family.

  “You knew I was going to ask, K-girl,” he said sheepishly.

  “I did. It’s just. Never mind. Congrats Cory. That’s wonderful.” I gave him a small smile, and pushed my sunglasses further up my nose, happy to be hiding behind them.

  So much had happened while I’d been gone. Irelyn married Zolt, and now Cory and Rachel were headed in that same direction.

  I sighed internally. Maybe Thomas Wolfe was right—you really can’t go home again.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Sloan

  I STARED DOWN at my phone and the text from Kenna.

  I’ve decided to go home.

  “Fuck!” I threw the phone against the opposite side of the car and floored the Challenger, pushing her past the century mark. This was my fault. I should have resisted when she wanted me to make love to her. Deep inside, I knew she wasn’t ready, but I wanted her so badly it made me physically ache. Emotionally, I’d needed to connect with her.

  What a big fucking mistake!

  And the fucking tears! God, where had they come from? A stupid question really. They came from the love I had for her and the hurt caused by failing the person you loved.

  Kenna hadn’t been ready. She’d pushed herself because she wanted to feel normal again. Now, she was gone, and I didn't know what that meant for us.

  “Fuck! Why did I leave?” I shouted so loudly my throat stung.

  Another stupid question. I left because that’s what I did when shit between her and I became too real. Now, I had to wonder if I had stayed at the loft and forced her to talk about what had happened last night, would she have stayed?

  More than anything, I wanted to help Kenna put the pieces back together again. Yet, when she needed me most, I failed her. Again!

  I had continually missed the most important parts of our relationship because I was too scared to stand still and let us be—let us evolve and grow into something wonderful.

  If Kenna and I were over, that was on me not her. She had been the faithful guardian of our tenuous relationship, holding true even when I pushed her away.

  I didn’t deserve her, but fuck it all, I wanted her. />
  Holding the wheel firmly with one hand, I reached over and grabbed my phone. I dialed Irelyn's number and waited through several rings.

  “Sloan? What's up? Is Kenna okay?” Irelyn dispensed with the niceties. She must have figured I’d only call if something was wrong.

  “She went home Irelyn. All I got was a text saying she decided to go home.” I knew I sounded despondent, but I couldn’t help it.

  “Sloan, I'm sorry,” she sighed. “What can I do?”

  “Is Brody there? Can I come over and talk to you guys?”

  “Uh, sure. We were just having some breakfast, but will be here for at least another hour. Come on over.”

  “Thanks.” I turned the car around and headed for Zolt and Irelyn’s house.

  Later, I sat on the patio with Zolt, Irelyn, and Brody drinking a cup of coffee, getting ready to share with them what had gone down. This wasn’t my normal MO but I was willing to admit it might be time to change the status quo.

  They watched me with sad expressions, waiting for me to start the conversation.

  When I didn’t, Brody finally asked, “So did something happen?”

  “Yeah,” I croaked and rubbed the back of my neck as the memories from last night flooded my mind. I could feel my face twist with emotion as I relayed the story. Sharing such personal information made my stomach turn.

  Brody shifted uncomfortably in his seat and rubbed his arm. There was a two inch, angry, red scar on his arm and I hated that Marcus’ fucked up machinations had reached even him.

  “My guess is that Kenna is possibly suffering from PTSD. She really needs to go see a specialist. I’ve called and we’ve talked some, but it’s not enough.”

  “She won’t talk to me either,” I admitted.

  Instead of thinking with my dick last night, I should have made her talk to me.

  And I should have stayed.

  Irelyn let out a loud all-knowing sigh. “Kenna is a very private person. I’m still in awe she kept the relationship between the two of you a secret.”

  “I never asked her to—she just did. Her first instinct is to take care of me. I wonder if that’s what she thinks she’s doing now? I just don’t get it. Everything was good, then she freaked out.”

  “Good?” Brody cocked his head before running his fingers through his dark waves.

  “Well not good, but not this fucked up.”

  “There’s no telling what can trigger a physical reaction,” Brody said, and winked a knowing blue eye as his brother.

  “Don’t I fucking know it?” Zolt groaned and took Irelyn’s hand. “You can be having a perfect day, loving up on your woman several times, enjoying fellowship with your friends, and boom. You’re presented with an invitation to an event that brings you back to all the shit you haven’t dealt with; all the shit you’ve stuffed away. The next thing you know, you’re in the face of said woman, frightening the hell out of her and making her run for cover, changing the course of your relationship forever.”

  I shuddered at the memory of that day, because in a roundabout way, Zolt’s actions had set into motion the events that led to where Kenna and I were right now. Not that I blamed him. Leaving her the night she’d been abducted was all on me.

  “What am I supposed to do now? How do I fix this?” Yet again, I asked another stupid fucking question I knew the answer to.

  Don’t fucking leave next time, asshole!

  “You can’t fix it.” Irelyn gave me a sad smile. “If she's anything like me, she doesn't know whether she's coming or going. I know the more I tried to act normal the less normal I acted, and Zolt ended up taking the brunt of it. Add in lingering pregnancy hormones and you’re left with the perfect emotional storm.”

  “I did take the brunt of it.” Zolt kissed his wife on her forehead, and then picked up a ball and threw it for their two dogs to chase. “Payback is a bitch. I certainly took my shit out on you.”

  Irelyn laughed a little. “That you did.”

  “She needs time,” Brody said, accepting a slobbery ball from one of the dogs and throwing it with his good arm. “Kenna is not only dealing with what happened to her, but she also dealing with the “what if” of the pregnancy and the possibility the baby might have been yours. That’s a lot for a person to handle. I’m guessing the two of you haven’t discussed the pregnancy?”

  “No.” I frowned. I had pushed that detail to the back of my mind. I didn’t want to consider we may have terminated our child. “I fucked up. I left early this morning because I couldn’t deal with confronting her. Leaving is what I do.”

  “What does that mean?” Irelyn asked, her gaze sympathetic.

  “Nothing.” I didn’t want to explain the intricacies of our relationship, and I definitely didn’t want to admit my culpability. Swallowing that bitter pill needed to happen in private with a large whiskey chaser.

  “Sloan, Kenna needs to hit her emotional bottom,” Brody continued. “It’s not something you can do for her, and sometimes it takes years. Zolt is an example of that. Irelyn is the opposite.”

  Zolt pouted and crossed his arms over his chest. I guess he didn’t like being pointed out as the less successful example.

  Irelyn stood and kissed his lips, and his pout morphed into a large grin.

  Zolt pulled her on his lap and she squeaked with surprise then settled in.

  Watching them made my heart hurt a little. Their love for each other was obvious. They were a beautiful couple. It was clear by the sparkle in Zolt’s blue eyes when he looked at her he adored Irelyn. I couldn’t believe how much things had changed in the course of two months.

  “Have you put the pieces back together, Irelyn?” I asked, shaking off the pang in my chest.

  “Me? No way. But I'm working on it every day. Spending time with Delaney has helped me in so many ways, and I see a counselor.”

  “We both do,” Zolt interjected, and it almost made me laugh.

  “By the way,” Irelyn said, “I asked Kenna to visit Delaney. I honestly believe it will help her. I hope she will change her mind before it's too late.”

  “Can I ask you a question?” Zolt asked as he stroked his wife’s hair.

  I nodded.

  “Are you in love with her Sloan, or is this just infatuation?”

  “Aye, I am in love with her,” I whispered.

  “Have you told her?” Irelyn asked.

  I shook my head and stared at my feet. The words poised on the tip of my tongue, but every time I opened my mouth to say them to her, they refused to come.

  Why the fuck can I say it to them and not to Kenna?

  “Kenna needs to know how you feel about her,” Brody said. “Knowing will help her move forward. If you can tell her, you should.”

  “Fuck,” I mumbled and scrubbed my hands over my face. “Now that she's home, do you honestly think her parents will let me see her? Or she’ll even want to see me?”

  “I think you'd be surprised Sloan,” Irelyn said. “Give it a few days for her to adjust to being home with her family.”

  I nodded. “Will you call her Brody? Try to get her to talk?”

  “I will. I'll suggest some groups she might want to explore and perhaps a counselor.”

  “I'd appreciate that.” I stood, ready to leave.

  Irelyn and I hugged each other, and Zolt and Brody and I exchanged manly smacks on the back. I'd like to say this visit had soothed my mind about Kenna, but it hadn't. It only confirmed I hadn’t done enough by her, but what was new?

  The helpless feelings I had all those weeks I’d looked for her returned. I needed to burn off some steam before I went crazy, so I texted Grant and arranged to meet him at the gym. I’d let him get in some punches while we sparred because I felt like I deserved the pain.

  That same afternoon—tired and sore from a hard workout—I sat at my desk staring at my laptop, lost in thoughts of Kenna and thinking about how much I kept from her. Maybe it was time for me to come clean with everything.

  A
s I sat there pondering this, a new email popped up in my inbox. It was from the secure account Paddy had set up years ago that I had taken over. Only a few of Paddy’s contacts knew how to contact me and they’d only do so if my life was in danger.

  With a shaking hand, I positioned my pointer over the message and clicked open.

  Liam has surfaced. Asking questions. Looking for Paddy O'Shea.

  Those three lines were enough to send me into a blind panic, and Irelyn flashed before my eyes.

  Like that, my inherited purpose, my legacy, butted against my heart’s desire.

  I couldn't leave Scottsdale and go in search of Liam when Joe Franklin remained free and unpunished. If I left and Joe went after Kenna, I’d never forgive myself. Until I had dealt with him once and for all, I had to stay put. Somehow, I would have to find a way to watch Irelyn and Kenna at the same time.

  Before I could respond to the message, another one came through with a picture of who I assumed was Liam. I printed out the picture before deleting all the emails.

  I sighed as I sat back in my chair and looked around my empty loft. Having Kenna here with me brought the loft to life. Without her here, the space was empty, and truth be told, so was I.

  For the first time in weeks, I pulled out the leather pouch that held the Emerald. Just as I had expected, the gem was warm to the touch. My attentions were being divided in half once again. This time though, my heart was torn in half as well.

  If the choice came down to Kenna or Irelyn, I feared Kenna might win. As much as I loved Irelyn, I loved Kenna more.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Kenna

  I SAT ON my bed and watched my mother flit around my room like a crazy person. Her obvious nervousness made me nervous as well.

  If she only knew what went on in here the last time I’d been here….

  The memories of that night hurt my heart, but it didn’t stop me from bringing my pillow to my face and breathing in, as if Sloan’s essence might still linger from our love making.

  It didn’t. The pillow smelled of laundry detergent and dryer sheets—fresh and clean.