by Ashley Maker
“You’re gonna be fine,” she says, shaking her head with a watery smile. “After all, you learned from the best.”
“I did.” I reach out and squeeze her hand. She squeezes back. Not everyone would have protected me like she did.
Tarry hugs me again, the warm musky scent of guy mixed with rain fogging my senses. “I’ll give you my number. We can text and talk on the phone. Send each other pictures and stuff.” He grabs a pen off one of the coffee tables and reaches for my arm.
“Oh yeah, pictures and stuff.” Laila smirks. “You’re such a little perv. Clare, repeat after me. I will not sext with this loser. He is gross, and I am a lady.”
I laugh again, except this time it feels real, lightening the pressure in my chest.
“Hah hah,” Tarry grumbles. The soft skin on my inner arm tickles as he scrawls his phone number between my elbow and wrist. I glance at the ten numbers, trying to memorize them, as he steps back with a scowl at his sister.
Laila shoots me a knowing look. “I just saved you again. You’re welcome.”
Mathias reappears in the doorway, frowning like always.
I tuck my arm with Tarry’s phone number across my stomach so Mathias won’t see it—not taking a chance he’ll decide I shouldn’t contact Tarry—and take a last look at them, at Laila’s pursed lips and Tarry’s sad smile. Regardless of how I got here, these are people I don’t want to leave. My heart aches, already feeling empty, as I follow Mathias wordlessly to the front door.
Mathias pauses in front of it. “I do hope, Miss Palmer, that your life is much less eventful after you leave Evergreen.”
“Me too.” I eye him, not fully convinced he’s wishing me well. Not after everything he’s said and suspected me of. He’s probably just happy I’m leaving and taking my Rogue danger magnet with me.
He licks his lips with a little smack, and looks over like he wants to tell me something, but then his gaze snaps up, focused on the door.
A second later, someone knocks.
“That will be Kieran,” Mathias says, already swinging the door open.
Kade stands on the other side, hands clenched at his sides, nostrils flaring with each sharp breath. Our eyes meet, and I can tell he already knows I’m leaving. Gritting his teeth, Kade tears his gaze away.
“What time?” he asks Mathias.
“Have her ready by sunrise. I want her to leave as inconspicuously as possible.” Mathias pushes me toward the porch with a hand on my shoulder. I stumble forward, shrugging him off, and he shuts the door behind me, leaving me to stand awkwardly in front of Kade.
38
Yellow light brushes the horizon as the sun sinks lower in the sky, but all I see are the shadows, stretched out and grotesque, reaching for nightfall. Another hour and it will be completely dark, and all too soon it will be tomorrow. The thought of leaving in the morning tears at me. I’m not ready. How can I go when I’ve finally started feeling like I belong?
How can I leave Kade with so much unanswered between us?
He doesn’t look at me, not once that I can tell, on the trek to my room. Just stares forward with a hard stare and tight jaw. I want to break the silence—get answers to the questions driving me insane—but I can’t think of how to start. Every time words hover on the tip of my tongue, I look away and inhale them in again. Over and over, the cycle continues until we’re both standing in my room, the door having just been shut, sealing us in alone with each other.
There’s no other time for me to find out, and I can’t leave without knowing.
Finally, I look at him and say, “We’re not okay.” His eyebrow cocks, and I add, “In the gym. You asked if we were.”
He sighs and rubs the back of his neck. “And we’re not?”
Do it. Say it. Quit being a coward.
Chin lifting, I say the words quick, before I can change my mind, “Were you going to ditch me like you did Laila after you finished your spying job for Mathias?”
“No.” Kade frowns, two lines forming indentions in the space between his eyebrows. “Never even once did I think about ditching you. I never wanted to be with her like that. Not like I want to be with you.”
Not like I want to be with you. My traitorous heart trembles, a tiny shiver of pleasure mixed with pain, at his use of present tense.
“But how could you do that to her?”
Staring up at the ceiling, Kade wraps both hands behind his neck. “I wasn’t ready to leave, and I didn’t have anywhere to go. When I heard about the internships, I did everything I could to get the one I wanted. It was perfect. Continue training for a tracking team position, and stay at Evergreen a little longer.”
The realization of why he did it hits me upside the head like a cartoon light bulb.
“This is your home,” I say slowly, and it rips a hole in my heart, because I get it. “After what happened with your family, this place—this life—is what you got close to, instead of a person.”
The flash of loneliness in his eyes unravels my defenses when he says, “Until you, Bambi.”
I struggle to pull myself together, thoughts and heartbeats racing each other.
A part of me still flinches at the wrongness in what he did, but I understand why he made those decisions, and even though I probably should, I can’t hate him for it. I can’t hate him at all. More than ever, I see his flaws—all those scars—but for the first time since we broke up, they don’t seem so impossibly huge anymore.
Maybe we can try again. Maybe—
No, we can’t. And this time it’s not because of Kade.
Every bit of air expels from my lungs. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”
“I know,” he says, sounding as crushed and defeated as I feel.
“I don’t know where I’m going,” I say, voice catching. “We won’t be able to see each other anymore.”
He closes the distance between us, reaches for my hand and brushes a soft kiss across my knuckles, making my pulse go crazy. “We’ll make it work. It might take a while, but I’ll find out where you’re going, and I’ll put in for a transfer.” Then, hesitantly, “If you want me to?”
I do want him to. What I thought was over between us isn’t, and I want the chance to find out where it goes. I’m not ready to give him up yet. Teeth worrying my bottom lip, I nod. “I could try to call you.”
Kade glances down and traces the number on my arm, a slow smile playing at the corners of his mouth. “Looks like I’m not the only one trying to keep you close.” His hands lift to my face, creating a frame of warmth I lean into. “I’ve missed you so much.”
Heart in my throat, I nod again, fingers trembling when my hands cover his. This is the moment I’ve both wanted and pushed away.
But I don’t want to push him away anymore, and I only have one night left. One night to fix all the brokenness between us, because there’s no telling how long it will be until I see him again.
I stand on tiptoes and kiss him, wrapping my arms around his neck, trying to piece us back together one touch and one kiss at a time. His hand tangles in my hair, finding the nape of my neck, the other pressing tight against my lower back. The kiss deepens, becomes desperate. Each brush of his lips and stroke of his tongue throws gasoline on the fire building inside me, until a steady flood of heat pulses through my veins.
I press myself against his body, wanting to get so lost with him I’ll never forget this moment, no matter how far apart we are. “I love you,” I whisper against his lips, needing him to know.
My eyelids flutter open when Kade freezes, his shoulder and back muscles tense under my fingertips. He doesn’t respond when I kiss him again, but pulls back and leans his forehead against mine, breathing heavy.
“What’s wrong?”
“I can’t—” He inhales sharply. “I have to tell you something. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us.”
My entire body tightens. “Tell me what?” I swallow but can’t get rid of the dry, scratchy feeling at the back of my
throat. I grip his shoulders, fingers digging in. When he doesn’t answer right away, I fight the urge to shake him. “Tell me what?”
“I should have told you before. When I found out.” He backs away, staring at the wall over my shoulder. “It’s about your mom.”
Mom? The word hardly sinks in as both my arms fall against my sides. Heart racing into overdrive, I wait.
Kade runs a hand through his hair. “After you came here, your dad assembled a team to investigate what happened to her—”
“He did? What happened? What did they find?” My insides revolt, like they’re simultaneously trying to turn inside out and climb up my throat. I wrap both arms around my stomach, but it doesn’t help.
Slowly, notch by tiny notch, his gaze returns to mine. “They found her car near an abandoned mine not too far from Evergreen. She may have been trying to come here for help.” After letting that sink in, he says, “There was evidence of a struggle. They think she was captured.”
The blood drains from my face, and I gasp, both hands lifting to cover my mouth. Oh no. Please no. Not Mom.
“Your dad has been searching for any sign of where the Rogues might have taken her. After he found out your attacker had a southern accent, he’s been all over the South and the Midwest, utilizing our resources there.”
I blink against hot tears, trying hard not to lose it, but then I spot the sharp, jagged edges of the broken snow globe on the desk, and I shatter. Sobs rise in my chest, uncontrollable. I can’t stop picturing her being ripped out of the car, flailing and fighting, and losing. Who knows what they’ve done to her. By now she could be dead.
Kade pulls me close, and I sob into his shirt. I thought I wanted to know what happened to her, but this is too much. So much pain grips my chest I can’t handle it. I can’t breathe. It’s like losing her all over again.
“Your dad thinks she’s still alive.” Kade says, lips rustling my hair. “He wouldn’t continue looking if he thought she was gone.”
Alive.
My breath hitches as the sobs slow. Breathing comes easier again, chest expanding like a weight has been lifted. If Chris thinks she’s alive, then maybe there’s hope. He might be able to find her.
I push away from Kade and begin pacing the floor. “I need to talk with him. I need to know everything. Maybe I can help search for her. I know her better than anyone. There could be something he overlooked.”
“You’re still in training.” Kade grasps my hands, pulling me to face him, halting my next step. “You can’t help look for her. You’ll end up getting yourself killed.”
The chaos swirling in my head stops suddenly, zeroing in on what he just said.
“Are you kidding me?” Confusion and anger grab hold of my voice. “My mom is alive, and you’re telling me I can’t help look for her?”
Kade looks away for the span of a heartbeat, but it’s enough. Enough for me to remember that he knew. And he didn’t tell me.
Why didn’t he tell me?
“How long have you known?” The question burns my tongue, my lips, each word like acid.
“About a month.”
I rip out of his grasp and stumble away. A stinging sensation pricks my eyes, but I can’t close them. I can’t blink. I’m frozen in place and can’t move at all. My gaze is glued to the absolute dread in his eyes. So many thoughts, I have so many thoughts words fail to come.
“You have no idea how much I wanted to tell you,” he says, already moving toward me.
My eyes narrow, and the skin tightens along my scalp. A forceful breath sears my lungs. Layers of fire lick along my skin, coursing through my veins. All those times I cried, he knew. He knew. Never in my life have I felt more betrayed.
The phase overcomes me with no warning at all, eyesight shifting into full detail so quickly I gasp. Kade starts to reach a hand out, and motion explodes through me without any thought behind it—I slap away his touch.
Kade’s gold-ringed gaze is riveted on mine. An array of emotions flash across his face, what looks like pride and anger and pain. He doesn’t reach for me again.
We stare at each other. My lips finally unlock, unleashing a snarl of a question.
“How could you?”
The pain in his eyes takes dominance. “I wanted to tell you—I told him you should know—but Mathias ordered my silence. He swore you would be told when the time was right.”
“And what? The time is right now? Now that I’m leaving?”
“Bambi—”
“No,” I growl through gritted teeth. “Don’t. Don’t you dare try to make excuses.”
He cringes, but I don’t care. I’m shaking I’m so mad. I’m so mad I want to combust. I want to blow up so I never have to feel this way again. My hands are clenched so tight they go numb. A fire in my chest makes me want to scream at everything and everybody.
And then I am screaming.
“Of all people—of everyone here, you know what it feels like to lose them, and yet you still didn’t tell me? I would have told you anyway if it were reversed! I would have told you!”
He closes his eyes, but I’m not finished.
My throat is raw, like it’s hemorrhaged inside, but I can’t stop more words from tearing through. “Maybe I should be thanking you. I was actually thinking I’d been wrong before. About you and everything that happened. But now I know I was right. They were all right about you. I can never trust you, not ever.”
Not after this.
When he opens his eyes, they’re hazel again. The phase is over, and so is my fury. In its place is cold, bitter pain, like someone’s injected dry ice into my veins.
“I promise I’ll make this up to you.”
“You can’t. There’s nothing you can do to make this up to me. We’re done. We are so done.”
“I don’t want to leave things like this between us. You’re leaving tomorrow, and—” The lights flicker, and Kade’s voice cuts off.
We both stare at the light overhead.
It flickers again, and goes out. The room becomes pitch black.
“Oh, how perfect,” I snarl. “How am I supposed to pack in the stupid dark?”
“Clare, be quiet,” Kade murmurs, his voice barely above a whisper.
I inhale sharply. “Excuse me?”
Kade clamps a hand onto my arm, and when I try to jerk back, his grip tightens. Close to my ear, he whispers, “This isn’t normal. Something doesn’t feel right.”
I roll my eyes. “Oh, yeah. Sure. Haven’t you heard of a power outage before?”
A dangerous edge creeps into his voice. “Not here.”
“This is ridicu—”
“I’m serious. We need to get out of the dorm. We’re an easy target here.”
The back of my neck tingles, but I roll my eyes again and huff out a breath. “Fine. The faster we find out what’s going on, the faster I can start packing and get away from you.”
Kade’s fingers tighten almost imperceptibly, but I feel the change in pressure, and I hear the way his breathing stills. “Whatever gets you out of this room.”
“Lead the way, then.”
He lets go of my arm. My eyes have adjusted to the darkness enough to make out his form as he stoops to the floor and rustles through what must be his duffle bag. A jamming sound followed by the scrape of metal leaves me gaping.
“You’re getting a gun?”
Another jam and scrape. “Two of them. And an extra mag.”
Goosebumps erupt along each arm. If he’s trying to scare me, he’s nailing it. “Is this some kind of drill? A last test from Mathias?”
It takes Kade a second to answer, and when he does, the hardness in his voice chills me. “Let’s hope so.”
He stands and hands a slim package to me. I finger the leather, finding the seam that will open it.
“What is this?”
“Throwing knives.”
I hold them back out to him. “What am I supposed to do with these?”
“Carry the
m. Come on, we need to go.” He grabs my hand and tugs me toward the door, but pauses instead of opening it. “Once we leave this room, don’t say a word unless you absolutely have to. Stay close to me, and” —concern breaks his businesslike tone— “use the knives if you have to. Don’t think about it. Throw them as hard and as fast as you can.”
I yank my hand out of his and gulp as heat flushes over my skin. “Okay, but we’ll be fine. It’s probably just a drill.”
But even I hear the doubt in my voice.
“Just stay close,” he whispers with a hint of frustration.
He opens the door, the mechanical sound of the handle turning too loud in the deafening silence. Crouching next to the wall, Kade slinks to the staircase, and I trail behind, squinting into the darkness.
We’re almost to the second-floor landing when Kade throws a hand out for me to stop. I freeze, trying to look and listen for whatever it is he’s stopped for, but nothing seems unusual other than the lights being out.
Finally, Kade creeps forward again, slowly descending the remaining steps to the landing. My heart pounds furiously. I bite my lip to keep from asking why we’re not going all the way to the ground floor, following him to a room halfway down the second-floor hall.
He turns the door handle slowly, quietly, and I nearly gasp when I realize the power outage means none of the rooms are locked anymore, which probably means the front door downstairs isn’t locked either. He closes the door behind us and rushes across the empty room to the window, yanking it open. A tiny sliver of moonlight trickles into the room, enough to see Kade pull a knife from his boot.
The knife rips easily through the mesh screen.
Leaning through the opening, Kade looks left and right before easing back into the room, pocketing the knife. With the hand not holding the black gun, he motions me closer and whispers, “We have to jump, but it’s only one story. Bend your knees to absorb the shock and roll out of it you need to, just like falling off the balance boards.”
“I can’t.” I shake my head and try to step back, but he grabs my hand.
“Yes, you can. I’ll push you out of this window if I have to.”