“But you were attracted to me because I reminded you of a child?”
“Not anymore.”
“Not anymore?”
“It started one day you were at my apartment. You told that joke about the girl who fell in the mud hole, and you imitated a little girl. I ... had a response to that.” Shad’s voice was not quite so monotone, but it remained low and hushed. “It was a response to the wrong stimulus, but at least you were actually an adult woman. You were the first adult. You’ve been the only adult....” His voice trailed away as Shad’s gaze returned to the floor.
Dulsie continued to stare at him as she tried to piece together what Shad was saying. The memory that was so obviously burned into his brain was elusive for her. Dulsie wasn’t even sure what the joke was Shad had referred to. But this event apparently happened shortly after she started college. So that could only mean –
“That was why you started going out with me?”
There was a flicker in his eyes as Shad removed the carrying case from his shoulder and took a step toward the couch to deposit it there. “At first I hoped to use that memory to help condition me toward preferring adult women. It didn’t work, and what I didn’t foresee was that focusing on you in that way would make me ... want to be with you.” Shad seemed to stare at the far end of the couch. “I had a choice. I either had to get over you or win you over. I chose the second option because....” A tremor of tenderness stirred in his voice. “It seemed like it was meant to be.”
Dulsie wished those words could have lifted the weight from her heart, but she was still trying to comprehend how Shad could be the way he was. “How did you manage to hide it so well? Why didn’t I notice something wrong?”
“I believed it was abolished. There came a point that I realized ... a few weeks had passed where I wasn’t having those impulses anymore. We had just started actually going out, and time went on and it never came back. By the time we were engaged I was convinced it was gone.” Shad’s voice cracked a little. “So I never told you.”
Dulsie could tell this revelation was even harder on Shad than when he recounted years ago some of the abusive events of his childhood. Back then he’d been able to keep his emotions perfectly neutral, as though Shad was sharing a story that he actually found a little boring about somebody else. The breakthroughs of emotion Shad was experiencing now proved how hard he was struggling to keep them at bay. When they were kids Dulsie had started to good-naturedly refer to him as Spock because she had been mystified by his reserved behavior. The confirmation Shad had been abused helped to explain that, and suddenly Dulsie remembered there was much about his childhood he still hadn’t told her.
Her voice became hoarse as Dulsie found herself contemplating that yet another act of evil had been perpetrated against Shad. “So did you ... could this be ... were you molested as a child?”
Shad’s focus remained on the end of the couch, and for several seconds he was as still and as quiet as a stone statue. When he finally spoke, only Shad’s mouth moved, and his tone was low.
“It hasn’t been proven that childhood molestation leads to pedophilia.” The fact he tried to skirt her question confirmed what happened even before Shad added the next statements. “Don’t worry, you’re safe. I got myself tested for everything. They all came back clean.”
Her heart ached from more than just the crushing weight. And her sympathy for him only made Dulsie’s next question even harder to ask.
“So ... is it only girls? Or do you also ... what about boys?”
“Only girls.” Shad was as still and emotionless as she’d ever seen him. “Four to six years old.”
Dulsie was starting to feel a little sick to her stomach. Why did he have to be like this? Of all the psychosis and neurosis out there, why did Shad have to be stricken with something so abhorrent? Of all the abuse he’d suffered as a child, why was it only the molestation seemed to stick to him?
“Why girls?” Dulsie could hardly believe she was trying so hard to understand something she found incredibly detestable. “Weren’t you molested by men?”
Shad actually seemed to twitch. Then after a few more seconds of silence he replied in a maintained monotone.
“What happened to me may not be the root of the problem. For all I know, I could have been born this way. I’m not exactly descended from people who would be regarded as pillars of the community.”
A tremor of nausea crept through her again. But Dulsie had to keep seeking answers.
“So what happened to make it come back after all this time?”
Shad inhaled a long, deep breath while his gaze rolled upward slightly as though he’d found something of interest on the wall. Dulsie stepped a little forward and to one side because she could see there was emotion breaking through in his eyes. It wasn’t pain this time, and it wasn’t exactly panic, but it did remind her of the gleam in an animal’s eyes when it sought escape. More seconds passed, and then the mask fell back into place.
“I found one of them.”
Her spine prickled. “What do you mean? Who did you find?”
“The man ... who was with us the longest. I spoke with him.”
Disbelief struck Dulsie again. “You spoke with a man who molested you?”
“I wanted to find out if he had reformed.”
“And?”
“He hasn’t.”
A flicker of rage passed through her. “Prosecute him.”
“I can’t. The statute of limitations is up.”
“Go to the police. Tell them what he did and that they need to investigate him.”
“It doesn’t work that way. I need evidence.”
Dulsie was stunned. She knew that defying the killing letter of the law was the basis for Shad’s decision to become an attorney, but she still found it difficult to believe that the law was more interested in protecting an abuser’s rights because one of his victims had grown too old, yet the perpetrator could continue to obtain fresh victims. And now Shad believed that his frustration at being unable to press charges against the man initiated the recurrence of his ... condition. That led to another question.
“If you got rid of this problem before, can you get rid of it again?”
Shad drew another deep breath before responding, and there was hint of resignation in his voice. “Don’t you see? I never truly got rid of it. It could go back into latency but it will always be there. There’s always the chance it will return, again.”
That unpleasant feeling reestablished itself. “But can you get rid of it? Could you actually take therapy this time and make it go away?”
“I don’t know. I obviously can’t tell the difference between eradication and suppression.”
The truth in his words renewed the weight in her heart. And a realization dawned upon Dulsie that made her feel as though a knife had also been plunged there.
She couldn’t believe this was happening. Only a few minutes ago Dulsie had been on top of the world, but now it had just crashed and burned. The love of her life was no longer the same man she’d married. He had changed into something ... repulsive. Dulsie still cared for him, but ... she owed Shad the same truth he had just given her.
“I’m not sure where we can go from here.” A tremor crept into her voice. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, but you’ve got to understand ... we’re talking about children. When you can – even if you don’t ... I just don’t think....”
There was still resignation in Shad’s voice as he offered her the words Dulsie couldn’t speak. “Do you really want to live with a pedophile?”
Dulsie bit her lower lip as her chest tightened and her eyes misted. She drew a deep breath, but her voice was still hoarse. “I don’t know.”
Shad’s gaze lowered to the case on the couch and Dulsie saw him also inhale deeply. Then he nodded, once and slowly, and he turned toward the bedroom.
“You need time to think. I can at least give that to you.”
She wasn’t entirely sure
what Shad meant as he strode into the bedroom, but when Dulsie heard him open the closet and then open a suitcase, she realized what he was doing. This felt more like some terrible, awful dream Dulsie should awaken from and discover that everything was still all right. But the truth was, there was a part of her that was relieved Shad was leaving.
Dulsie wasn’t sure how much Shad packed, but it took him less than two minutes to return to the living room with a forest green suitcase in his left hand. Shad slipped the strap of the carrying case back over his right shoulder, and without any word he reached for the knob of their front door.
“Where are you going?” Dulsie impulsively asked even though she wasn’t sure why she cared.
Shad hesitated for a few seconds, and Dulsie could easily believe he hadn’t thought that far ahead yet. His reply was back to the monotone.
“The motel.”
Then Shad stepped through the doorway, and he was gone. Soon thereafter Dulsie heard the engine of the pickup turn over and eventually fade away. He was truly gone. The man she had fallen in love with was gone.
Never before had Dulsie ever felt this alone.
Chapter Thirteen
Force always attracts men of low morality.
--Albert Einstein
When Tuesday morning dawned, Shad found himself skipping several of his usual routines. For one thing he realized he had packed only clothes and no toiletries. That discovery was the least of his worries, except Shad didn’t like how his mouth felt. So he dressed without taking a shower and wet his hands in the sink to run damp fingers through his hair, which luckily being coarse and thick and trimmed fairly short cooperated with his half-hearted efforts. On the way to work Shad swung by the grocery store and bought a toothbrush and toothpaste so he could brush his teeth in the office bathroom in the basement. Shad skipped breakfast.
During the course of the day he kept to himself, which wouldn’t draw the attention of Nolin or Francine because Shad was known to occasionally withdraw whenever he became particularly focused on a case. And since they were familiar with the challenges he was facing in regard to Monica Simms, they could easily assume he was just going through one of those phases. Shad skipped lunch.
Once he got back to the motel room Shad changed into the only non-office clothes he had packed, a plain blue tee shirt and khaki shorts, and did exactly what he did last night after Shad checked in. He skipped the evening meal and lay on the bed in the darkening room while Shad tried to figure out what to do with the mess that had become his life.
Something he hadn’t thought possible was actually happening. His marriage was in jeopardy. Shad knew that Dulsie regarded holy matrimony with the same reverence he did, but the truth was, the deception he had perpetrated upon himself made Shad deceive Dulsie also. He knew her well enough to correctly predict Dulsie’s reaction to the revelation of his affliction. All he could do now was hope she would be able to work through the shock of discovering what he really was.
Prayer was not in his efforts. Last night Shad decided that he was done talking to the One who kept sending plagues. The Almighty seemed to have overestimated how much he was capable of taking on. If Shad had anything left to pray for, it was that he would be struck dead.
He didn’t consider his thoughts to be suicidal, but Shad suspected that if he stepped out onto a street right now and realized a bus was barreling toward him, he wouldn’t try to dodge. And the absence of skid marks would be the only clue to identify Shad’s remains as those of a lawyer and not a skunk.
It would be better for Dulsie if he were dead. That way she would honorably be out of this marriage and free to resume her life without Shad throwing in complications. He had a decent insurance policy that should help keep her supported, and of course Dulsie had both their parents to turn to for any other assistance she might need.
Shad turned his cell phone off for the night because he’d also forgotten to pack the charger.
That Tuesday morning Dulsie took sick leave from work so that she could stay in the quiet of her home and try to decide what the best approach was to handle this crisis.
Years ago, when Mom started warning that Shad posed a threat to her, Dulsie didn’t turn a deaf ear to that insight even though everyone else argued in Shad’s favor. Through quiet contemplation and pensive observation, Dulsie determined her attraction to him was grounded. All of Shad’s good points came to mind: His patience, kindness, humility, generosity, honesty – and humor. It seemed, as Shad said last night, their union was meant to be. What everybody else said must be true, that whatever Shad harbored he would never wield against her. Considering what he’d been through, Shad was amazingly normal.
From what little Dulsie knew about Grandpa Wekenheiser, he had been a more “traditional” abuser who did things like pin Dad down in order to flay his back and behind with a belt that left bloody bruises. What that woman allowed those villains to do to Shad made the term deranged psycho seem like an understatement. Dulsie couldn’t see how Shad could have any chance to avoid harboring something dark and dangerous deep in his psyche. Maybe there was some kind of twisted logic that someone whose innocent youth had been ripped away from him would yearn for the innocent youth of others.
At first glance the threat he posed seemed to be based on the fact Dulsie would be devastated if Shad ever gave in to his grotesque impulse, especially if their own children were involved. But Dulsie doubted that was really what Mom’s warning had been about.
She believed him when Shad denied ever violating a child, and Dulsie honestly believed he would never give in to that baser instinct. Her parents had given her plenty of warning about the male sex drive, which seemed to be otherwise working perfectly well for Shad. Now that she knew his original motivation to court her, probably like that of many men, had been initiated by lust, Dulsie had to credit him on Shad’s conduct during the months before they became engaged. The agony she was wrestling with now involved the fact Shad was cursed with something so vile.
Dulsie wasn’t sure she could ever share a bed with him again. If only Shad had been a pyromaniac instead. If he refrained from starting fires even though his libido was ignited by spectacular conflagrations, she would find that particular deviance easier to accept. But Shad was drawn to children. Every time Dulsie considered that fact she felt a new wash of revulsion sweep through her.
The fact they had a baby on the way further complicated her consideration. Dulsie knew the value of children having fathers who were accessible and involved. And one of the reasons she married Shad was because Dulsie knew he offered many qualities as a dad. One might suggest they could stay together but not sleep together. But living in a screwball marriage harbored its own set of complications.
In her heart Dulsie knew she was going to have to work through her distaste, but that task wasn’t going to be easy. It made no difference that Shad was a handsome man, one that she noticed other women taking second glances of, and yet true to form Shad remained oblivious to their attention. Dulsie decided she needed to immerse herself in his qualities that truly made Shad attractive.
One of the tasks Dulsie tried that day was pulling a half-inch thick pile of small papers from the bottom of her cedar chest. They were notes Shad would leave lying about in their apartment during the first three years of their marriage, when between their studies and part-time jobs didn’t get to see each other that much.
“Your value is more precious than jewels.”
“Your love is more delightful than wine and there is honey under your tongue.”
“If I do not have love, I am nothing.”
They had weathered those first three years together, defying the odds against what happened to around eighty percent of relationships when one partner was in law school. Perhaps Dulsie’s independence combined with Shad’s insularity provided them additional fortitude, but ultimately their positive attitudes bore them through. As much as Shad claimed he had trouble grappling with the more mystical aspects of faith, these notes pr
oved he had a better grasp than some people.
Her ancestor Margaret was keenly aware of the spirituality of marriage. Although the Society of Friends believed in living daily with God, making ceremonial observances such as baptism with water unnecessary, even they observed the sanctity of the wedding. Margaret pointed out that if society continued to take marriage for granted and demean it as common, one day humanity could lose sight of how God instituted marriage as something special. And once that happened, all matters of faith and the freedom to practice it would come under fire, because faith found its home within marriage and the family.
Try as she might, however, Dulsie couldn’t push beyond the unsettling fact Shad was attracted to children.
By nightfall she had had gained no ground, so Dulsie dressed in her satiny, green, spaghetti-strap nightgown and climbed into bed. It took a while for her to fall asleep because she kept asking to find that strength which seemed so determined to elude her.
Dulsie only knew she had finally dozed off some time ago when Sadie began barking. Dulsie opened her eyes and turned toward the clock radio on the nightstand to see it was after one o’clock. What was attracting Sadie’s attention?
Dulsie listened to the tone of the dog’s barking, and it puzzled her. If Sadie was barking at distant coyotes, it was a booming challenge. If a possum or coon or stray dog was slinking toward the turkeys, Sadie would go ballistic. But tonight the dog’s barking was hesitant and choppy. Dulsie had never heard her do that before. Did Sadie see or smell something she didn’t recognize?
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