Chapter 9
The wake was being held at a hall downtown, closer to the cathedral. It took us a while to get outside, on account of everyone giving their condolences before exiting the building. Veronica never let go of my arm, plastering a fake smile for everyone to assume life was glorious. I don’t understand why she was doing it. I wanted to think it was because she was trying to mend things between us, but I knew better. She felt threatened by Rachel, as crazy as it sounded.
I hated to consider my wife to be childish. It seemed inappropriate, but that’s exactly what I felt like I was dealing with – a young child.
As we climbed into the limousine to make our way to the next location, she crossed her arms and gave me this irritated look. “What?” I asked.
“You know what. Tell me this, Chad. How many people in there know who Rachel is to you?”
“Is to me? Are you serious?” I pointed to Harper in the seat across from us, hoping she’d shut her mouth when she considered our daughter overhearing. “She’s a family friend. Get over it. Now is not the time or place to discuss it.”
“I think it’s a perfect time actually. Do you think I appreciate her touching you?”
“My grandfather died,” I began raising my voice. “Unlike you, she’s hurting. He meant a lot to her. Rachel isn’t a threat to you. You do a great job screwing up our marriage on your own.”
After I said it Veronica peered out the window intent on ignoring me. I didn’t care. I was happy about it. I leaned over and tickled Harper’s leg, trying to relax her. “You okay, pumpkin?”
Her bottom lip stuck out. “Why are you fighting with Mommy?”
“We’re not. We were having a heated conversation, not a fight. Everything is okay, precious. You don’t have to be sad.”
“I’m hungry.”
“There’s food where we’re going. You can have whatever you want.”
“Chad, seriously?” Veronica was not happy. “Don’t you dare tell her that. There are things I don’t want my child eating.”
“Your child?” I was so pissed off I could hardly contain my rage. I grinded my teeth together, hoping it was enough to keep my cool until we’d arrived at the next destination.
Thankfully, after a few minutes the car came to a halt. The driver got out and opened the door for us to exit. Veronica got out first, all smiles and fake glamour. Harper followed behind, turning to wait for me to join her. I took her hand and started walking inside of the building, not caring if my wife broke a heel or her ankle on the cracked pavement.
I honestly felt bad for being negative. It wasn’t like me, and I had ill feelings regarding my behavior. I wanted to chalk it up to the death of my grandfather, but I knew it was coming from somewhere deep inside of me. Like a raging dragon being freed from captivity, I wanted revenge; or what some would just consider resolution. I’d been hurting for weeks, feeling betrayed and fearing the worst. For that same women to put on a fake appearance to seek the approval of the people around us, it was wicked. She wasn’t the person I married; the lost soul who needed saving. This cruel person knew exactly who she was and what she was doing.
I wasn’t her puppet. I refused to be some toy she could toss around and ignore once she tired of me. That’s not what marriage was about. I’d promised to love her forever, but now I was beginning to wonder if it was at all possible. I was sick and tired of the hatred she harbored.
She got a kick out of being a small-minded person, where I’d rather enjoy getting the most out of life, and appreciating the little things. Maybe it was because I came from money, and never knew what it was like to start from nothing. Sure, I’d built my company from the foundation, but I’d had the funds to manage it. Maybe she resented me for having a silver spoon. It was funny, she had no problem spending my money, now that she knew I had more than her. She’d already mentioned selling the mansion, which wouldn’t happen until I was dead in the ground.
As the crowds of people filled the large capacity hall, and people congregated mingling, I walked my small child up to the food table and got her something to eat. I didn’t bother turning around and looking for her mother to scold me. If Harper wanted a taste of every single godforsaken item on the menu, she was going to get her sample.
Just as I turned around to find a table she could sit at, I saw my wife. She was standing with her hands on her hips, raising her voice to another female. I almost dropped Harper’s plate when I realized it was Rachel.
I couldn’t get to them fast enough, almost dragging my daughter along the way so she was able to keep up. “What the heck are you doing?” I gritted my teeth as the words came out.
“She was just leaving, weren’t you, Rachel?”
Her eyes were full of tears as she looked in my direction. Whatever Veronica had said to her had gotten under her skin. She knew how to belittle people in order to make them feel worthless. “I should go,” slipped from her lips.
I let go of Harper, sat her food down on the table closest to me, and went running after Rachel. “Whoa, hang on a minute.”
She didn’t stop until we were outside. “I’m not welcome, Chad. Your wife has asked me out of respect for your family to stay away. It’s fine. I said my goodbyes to Charles earlier.”
“It’s not fine. Veronica didn’t even like my old man. She’s got issues with men.”
“She has issues with women as well from what I can tell.”
“It’s you,” I said in a whisper. “She’s threatened by you.”
“Why? I’ve done nothing wrong. We were friends, Chad. I loved your grandfather. We’re both hurting.”
“You don’t have to explain it to me. I want you here. You deserve to be here with me, with everyone,” I corrected.
“Like I said before, it’s not a big deal. I sent Stephanie home already, so I’ll pick her up and we’ll go have lunch somewhere in honor of Charles.”
“There was plenty of food here. You didn’t have to send her home.”
“I figured we’d spend too long catching up and she’d get bored. She was getting tired and needed to rest. I’m just glad Charles wanted to be cremated. I can’t imagine her trying to walk in those shoes she thought she could pull off.”
Rachel was changing the subject. She was avoiding the topic of Veronica. I felt it necessary to tell her why, but at the same time knew it would only open up old wounds I wasn’t ready to address. “I’m sorry. I had no idea she’d be like this to you.”
She touched my arm, sending chills up it. “As frustrating as it is, I understand. She’s threatened by me, by what we once were. To her, I’m just an old girlfriend. It doesn’t matter about the connection I shared with your grandfather, or the many years we spent working at the agency. All she sees is someone you once cared about. It’s natural. I understand.”
“It’s no excuse.”
Rachel leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, when she pulled away our eyes met for just a second, and I swear I felt that spark simultaneously igniting. “I’m glad I got to see you again, Chad. You haven’t changed. You’re still the same great guy I once knew. Take care of yourself.”
“Wait.” I couldn’t help myself. “I need to know you’re going to be okay.”
“This is exactly why your wife is overprotective. You care too much about other people.”
“I’d like to think I get it naturally,” I replied with a smile. “Seriously, Rach, I need to know you’re okay.”
She smiled, probably because I called her the nickname I’d used for her. She’d hated it at first, begging me not to use it, but I did it anyway to get a rise out of her. God I missed seeing her smile. “I’m fine. I’ve been through much worse. I’m a survivor. Isn’t there a song about it?”
“Don’t joke. Tell me the truth.”
She got that look on her face like she wanted to tell me something, but turned away before it could come out. When she lifted her eyes to mine again she had tears in them. I pulled her into my arms, holding her without needi
ng to say anything. I felt her hands coming up around my back. We both needed this, and I wished it never had to end. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt this connected to a person, or maybe I could. I think it was ten years ago when we said our goodbyes.
I was falling apart at the seams, trying to keep it together without evading my desperate attempt to hold on to her for a little while longer. I wondered if this would be the last time I ever saw her, and it hurt deep inside, where I kept my failures buried.
Rachel pulled away first, wiping her face and looking in another direction. “I hope you have a good life, Chad. Don’t let anything stand in your way. Take care of that little girl.”
She walked away, leaving me standing in a parking lot full of vehicles, wishing I could go wherever she was headed.
Chapter 10
We hadn’t said a single word to each other since leaving the hall. I’d spent my time getting over Rachel’s early exit by mingling with others who’d come to pay their respects to my grandfather. From afar, I could see Veronica keeping busy, chatting up a storm with some actors and music artists she’d come in contact with in her line of business. I didn’t care what they were discussing, or if she was telling them lies about me. As long as I was far away from her I was content.
It wasn’t until we were dropped at the mansion when I went off the deep end. I sent Harper to play in the back terrarium, where I knew she’d be safe until I could join her. We’d put some of her new books there, and she liked to sit on a small patch of rug and read, surrounded by the pretty flowers.
“What were you thinking, Veronica? How could you embarrass me in front of all those people? You made yourself look desperate.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t have allowed your whore to sit with us at church. Do you have any idea how inappropriate that was?”
I ran my hands through my hair and clenched my jaw, trying to keep my composure. “I want you to leave.”
“What?”
“You heard what I said. I want you to go home. Before this happened, you were struggling with our marriage. Don’t forget I saw proof of your infidelities. You need to go home and figure out what you’re doing with your future, because I’m not going through this anymore. I’m done being the nice guy and thinking this can change. If anything, you’ve become someone I can’t stand to be around. I want out.”
“Is this because of her?”
I laughed in her face. “You’ve got to be kidding me. My grandfather died. They were close. Rachel has nothing to do with us. She’s married. I haven’t seen her in ten years, and as much as I’d like to think you can understand what it’s like to lose someone you care about, I know you can’t begin to get it. I invited her to sit with us because it was the kind thing to do. It wasn’t because I was trying to get back in her pants.”
“I’m not leaving you here to destroy what’s left of our marriage. I’m not a fool, Chad.”
“I never said you were a fool, but you are cold-hearted. As far as what’s left of our marriage, well I think you’ve done a pretty good job shredding anything we have left.”
She started to cry. Finally I saw a reaction out of her, because I was beginning to feel like she didn’t have a conscience. “Don’t do this. We have the potential to be great.”
“It’s a façade. You’re not happy. You’re screwing another woman, and you think it’s justifiable. You want everyone to think we’re this perfect power couple. You care more about money than you do anything else.” I waved my hands around. “This house, the property, the money, it means nothing to me, not if it takes my happiness away. The moment you booked that flight to come and be with me you were already seeing money signs. Hell, you probably thought about it at the damn funeral when I was struggling to keep it together. It’s funny how your career involves beauty, but right now you’re the ugliest person I’ve ever seen.”
My words shocked her. She sucked in a breath and ran out of the foyer. For a second I felt bad, but then it went away when I remembered how she’d called Rachel a whore. How she could think that it was appropriate was beyond me.
After standing there for a few minutes to calm my nerves, I headed to the terrarium to find my daughter. When I walked inside I discovered her talking to a doll. She was telling the toy how much she liked being at the mansion. Right away my heart filled with warmth.
She heard me stepping close and looked up with a big smile on her face. “Hi, Daddy.”
I crouched down to sit with her. “Hey, pumpkin. How would you like to stay here with Daddy for a little while?”
“Here with the flowers?”
I tickled her nose as I spoke. “No, silly. Here at the mansion. Mommy needs to go home to take care of business, but I need to stay here. I figured you could keep me company.”
“Okay.”
I tapped her on the top of the head. “Good. I’m going to let Mommy know. Can you stay here a little while longer? I’ll bring us lunch back if you promise to be good.”
“I want a peanut butter sandwich.”
“I’ll bring you that and something chocolate.” I kissed her on the forehead and got back up to attend to her mother. It was going to get ugly again, especially when I told her I was keeping our daughter with me.
I found Veronica packing up their things. “You can leave Harper’s bag. She’s not going anywhere.”
I got this look of disgust immediately. “Yeah right. She’s coming home with me.”
“I’m afraid you’re mistaken. You’ve got shit to take care of and I don’t want my daughter around it, or being watched by some babysitter when she can stay with me. I need to deal with legal matters and this estate, so she’s perfectly fine being with me. Don’t cross me anymore than you already have, Veronica. I’m trying to give you space to take care of your issues.”
“I told you I’ve already ended things.”
“You’re full of shit. Harper told me you were still talking to her. Why are you trying to hide it? Is it because of the money? Is that all you see me as?”
She wouldn’t answer.
“When I get home I’m filing for divorce. This shit is over. I’m tired of thinking I can change you. You want to cheat and lie to me, you can suffer the consequences of your actions. I’m done with it. I’ve been good to you. I’ve done everything in my power to be the man you needed, but obviously it wasn’t a man you were actually looking for. This marriage is over.”
She reached for me, gripping onto both of my arms. “Please don’t do this. I’ll change. I’m sorry about the way I acted.”
I backed away and removed her hold on me. “That’s just it. You’re not sorry. Today was the real you. You’re selfish and inconsiderate, and I’m embarrassed to be with someone so cold. This is all your fault. You cheated. We. Are. Done.”
I started to walk out of the room, hearing her crying louder as I did it. “I’ll call for a taxi to take you to the airport when you’re ready. Oh, and be reasonable when it comes to Harper. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t lead on that we’re fighting. She’s too young to understand.”
As mad as I’d become, it was still painful. I wanted to make things work for the sake of our daughter, but I wasn’t staying in a marriage built on lies. It would only make it worse in the long run. If I kept up with the charade I’d end up hating myself, maybe more than I despised the person my wife was becoming.
Veronica never came to tell me goodbye, nor did she say anything to our daughter. I heard a car pulling away, and before I could make it to the front window to check, she was already halfway down the long paved driveway.
Later, after calming Harper down and convincing her to take a much needed nap, I found a note sitting on my bed.
Dearest Chad,
You’re right about a lot of things. I haven’t been honest with you for a long time. You were wrong about something though. I do love you, but it’s not the way you deserve to be loved. I’ve stopped appreciating our marriage.
I had the affair. She never
came onto me. It was my undoing. I sought out her attention and when she gave it to me I couldn’t stop what happened between us. I know I’ve made a mess of things. Maybe you’ve lost all respect for me. I probably deserve it. I promised to love and cherish you, and I threw it away because I couldn’t stop from always wanting more. I’m fickle. I can’t be satisfied in a relationship with a man. I don’t want to blame it on my past, but it’s obvious I have residual resentment when it comes to men in general. You were different, even from the beginning. You were kind and gentle, and I appreciated how patient you were with me, but if I’m being honest, it’s never been enough for me. I settled, because on the outside it was what society expected of me. We made a beautiful child, and for a while I was content, maybe even happy. I don’t know when I knew I needed more. Maybe I could have come to you, but what good would it have done? You couldn’t begin to understand what I was going through. I didn’t want our marriage to end, because I’m selfish.
You might hate me. On most days I hate myself.
I’m leaving because you’re right. We do need time apart. Please tell Harper I love her so much. I couldn’t say goodbye, because I was too distraught. I hope you can understand my reasoning for that, at least.
I’m sorry I doubted you, Chad. I know you’re an honorable man who always seems to do the right thing, even when it doesn’t get you what you want.
I hope you can forgive me so we can co-parent the right way. I don’t want to fight anymore, so I’m surrendering. I’m admitting this is my fault, and I’m prepared to face the consequences.
Love,
Veronica.
I sat down on my mattress reading the note several times before losing it. I fell down flat on the bed and wept. Everything was gone. I’d lost hope in fixing things with my wife. My grandfather was dead, his ashes would soon be delivered to me in some kind of fancy urn he’d chosen to spend eternity in. I was left with a big house, and an estate I didn’t know the first thing about how to handle, and then there was my precious daughter, innocent and oblivious to my struggles. How was I going to be able to look her in the eyes and tell her that her mom and I would never be together again?
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