"I'm going to regret this. I just know it."
Even I didn’t know what would happen between us, but I had an idea it would potentially benefit the both of us if she’d give it a shot. It was weird how I felt completely comfortable in this situation with her, as if no time had passed. "Grab your things. I'll drive us."
"I'll follow you. I'm not getting in a car with you."
"Why?" I taunted. "Are you afraid you'll want me to pull over and ravage you?"
"I'm afraid you'll want to."
It was hard not to laugh. "You say it like that's a bad thing. I know for a fact you wouldn't complain. You never did before."
"You're married, Chad. It's not happening. Stop being inappropriate or I’ll change my mind."
I cackled again at her comment. "Don't be a hypocrite. You and I both know a marital agreement can't stop you and I from getting lost in each other. My wife is involved with someone else. She’s been screwing around on me for months. I’ve been struggling with the idea of being alone too. Plus, I just lost the man who raised me. I need a friend, and there's only one I want to be with. I don't know if something will happen, but after all this time if something does, I'm not going to stop it, because there hasn't been anything better in the last ten years than the way it feels when you're in my arms."
She was shocked. In a matter of minutes I'd thrown caution to the wind and been forward regarding my intentions. My marriage was over. Seeing Rachel again had only shown me what real love felt like. I'd done my best to forget about what we shared, but now with her close enough to touch, nothing was going to get in my way.
Chapter 13
We made it to the elevator before she stopped in her tracks. I couldn’t hide the grin stretched across my full face. She knew the last time we’d been in the parking garage we’d had hot sex. There were reminders surrounding us. “I hate to break it to you, but it can’t be as bad as being in that office and thinking about all the hot things we’ve done there.”
She fanned her face. “I think I’m having a panic attack.”
“Or you’re already turned on. I’ve been told I have that affect on women.”
She playfully shoved me out of the way. “I’m too old for this kind of stuff. Cut it out. Someone will hear you.”
“Age is irrelevant. Of course, you already know that. You might also recall how I have a thing for older women. Either way, you’re not going to sway me in a different direction. I tried to deny the way I felt when I saw you at the hospital the other day. Then when we embraced it made things quite confusing. Now I know I had a reason to worry. After all these years I still can’t shake you.”
“Why do I feel like this is a lot more than a dinner invite?”
We stepped into the elevator. I waited for the doors to close before continuing. “When you’re close to me everything else fades away.” I pulled her into my arms, her lips almost touching mine, our eyes fixed on one another. “I’d do anything to spend time with you again.”
She tried to take a step back, but I pressed her against the wall of the elevator. “I can’t do this,” she whispered with her lips brushing over mine lightly. “It’s wrong. We can’t.”
She shoved out of my arms and separated us. “Being with you can’t happen. It doesn’t matter what we feel. I can’t do this with you. It’s wrong, and it makes me feel like I’m betraying Grayson. If he was still alive I know I’d be faithful, I wouldn’t give in to you. I know I wouldn’t.”
I finally understood why she was confusing the hell out of me. “You think if we spend time together and something happens it’s like you’re deceiving Grayson?” I scratched my head. “Damn. I can see where you’d feel that way, but put yourself in my shoes. I stepped aside so you’d run back to him, Rachel. I’ve spent the last ten years regretting my decision. The way I see it, maybe this was all meant to happen.”
“Are you saying Grayson was meant to die? How could you think that?” Her look of disgust made me want to grab her and shake it out of her.
“Jesus, no. I’d never think that. I’m just saying, Maybe I was never meant to be the rebound guy. I saved you once before. Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to do now. I may have been the other man ten years ago, but right now I’m the only one remaining. Maybe it makes me desperate. I don’t really give a shit. My marriage is over. I’m not going back to a woman who doesn’t appreciate me; someone who can’t love me for all my qualities and flaws. She can’t see past the money, and after her involvement with her doctor I’m done trying to make things work. I’m not saying you and I should jump into a relationship, but I’m putting all the cards on the table beforehand, so you know exactly where I stand, and what I have to gain.”
"You make it sound easy and it's not. I lost my husband. He's gone. I don't have a choice. Just because you're back for a little while doesn't mean I'm going to let it turn into what we had years ago. I think you're grasping for something to hold onto. I know you're going through hell, but being with me isn't the solution. Eventually you'll go home. Fantasizing about being with you again is just that. It's a dream. You're a good man, Chad. When we were together you made life easier. I fell in love with you so quickly. It was amazing, but I knew it wouldn't last forever. Nothing that good ever does."
The elevator doors opened and I followed her out. I was annoyed, though nothing would stop me from spending my evening with her, not even her sensible reasoning.
She kept walking ahead of me, finally coming to her vehicle. It was now or never. "You have every right to assume this can't be anything more than a temporary affair. I don't blame you for being cautious, but there is something I want you to know."
She turned around, finally looking right at me. "What?"
"I still love you." I swallowed the lump in my throat as the words came out, silently praying she wouldn't force me to leave. It wasn't everyday that I told someone other than my wife that I loved them, but in this instance it was the truest statement I'd ever made. "I feel like I've loved you for a lifetime. It’s true. I love my wife, but it’s not the same. It’s always been you, Rach. You’re the only woman I know I’ll never be able to let go of. Staying away was my only option. I did it to protect both of our lives, but there’s nothing standing in the way anymore. Please don't push me away." I paused one more time. "I need you, just as much as I think you need me."
Her shoulders relaxed, and I watched her purse fall from her grip and hit the concrete ground. She shrugged while staring into my eyes. Her lips were trembling, allowing me to almost sense the connection between us. "I'm not strong enough to be with you again. I can't handle anymore heartache. Being close to you scares me, because I’m tired of the pain and suffering."
I took two steps forward, breaking the distance between us. "I'm not capable of hurting you again, Rach. If you give me this chance I promise I won't let you down. Let me be your friend, and whatever comes with it will be determined by both of us."
Some might have expected us to seal the deal with a kiss, but I preferred to hold her tightly in my arms. I hadn't come to the office to get into her pants. Rachel was more than a quick fuck. She was the only person who could break me in two, and knowing that scared the shit out of me.
She cried, so hard it was making me shake. I’d been right about her needing me, but I hadn’t anticipated her to fall apart when she finally understood our connection was mutual.
Loving her came easy. I’d been in denial for too long. Sure, I’d always known walking away from her was a mistake, but now I understood just what I’d lost by doing it.
The smell of her hair products filled my nostrils, bringing a familiar memory into my mind as we stood entwined together. A few cars drove by before she pulled away and straightened her clothing. “I’m a mess and it’s all your fault.”
Even through the tears I knew she was teasing me. “You missed me. It happens.”
“Don’t be cocky.”
“Don’t get in that car, Rach. Ride with me.”
&n
bsp; “You’re trying to keep me.” She pointed as she said it. “I know what you’re up to. I’m going home tonight. I have animals to feed.”
I crossed my arms and laughed. “Since when?”
“Since I bought them for companionship.”
I wasn’t convinced. “What kind of pets do you have? What are their names?”
“Cats. Pete and Sam.”
“Cats are self sufficient. I’m sure they’ll be fine for a little while. Knowing you, they’re over fed.”
She shook her head and picked up her purse, located the keys to her car and unlocked it. “I’m driving myself.”
I walked to the passenger side of the vehicle. “Fine, I’ll ride with you. I can pick up my grandfather’s car later on. It’s not like he doesn’t have another one I could drive around.” His garage was filled with eight vehicles. Three were collector’s editions of antique cars, while the others were drivable with tags on them. I didn’t understand why he needed so many, and I never got the chance to ask him.
We made it out of the parking garage before Rachel spoke again. “How is your business doing? I still send most of my clients your way, at least the entertainment ones.”
“It’s prosperous. I’m not hurting. They tell me you sent them. I’m pretty sure most assume we are one in the same. It’s not like our names differentiate. Leviathan Agency and Leviathan Entertainment.”
“True.”
“Your people talk to my people on a daily basis. It’s only the two of us who steer clear of one another.”
“You know I like to keep things strictly professional. It was best that we kept space between us.”
“Why?”
She stopped at a red light and turned her face to look at me. “You know why. Don’t be naïve. I know you too well to think you would have stayed away if we kept in touch. I also know I’m the reason you left. It’s true your business does well on the west coast, but people are willing to travel for their entertainment needs. Most shoot off location anyway. Be honest with me. You left because you wanted me to be able to have a life with Grayson.”
“I wanted you for myself, but my decision, being the most unselfish thing I’ve ever done, was also the hardest. Not a day goes by where I haven’t thought about you, at least in a caring way. I always want to know you’re okay. So many times I wanted to message you, or ask my grandfather how you were doing, but I knew if I did, even just one time, I wouldn’t be able to control myself. I’d have to come and see you.”
“Then we’d be back to how this all began, right? Is that what you think?”
“Isn’t it the truth?”
She shrugged. “I’d like to think I would have pushed you away. Grayson and I were happier than we’d ever been before. I had you to thank for that. I’d like to think I wouldn’t have been interested in you. While my feelings for you were left unsettled, I was in a committed relationship; one I took seriously.”
“I value your commitment, Rach. I wouldn’t have overstepped.” I shook it off. “It doesn’t matter now, anyway. Sometimes we can’t help what happens next.”
“I can help it, but I assume I’m glutton for punishment. Maybe I’m bored.”
“Maybe somewhere inside you know you missed me too. Maybe you forgive me for breaking your heart, because you know my decision wasn’t in vain. I made the ultimate sacrifice. I settled for less somewhere else because I couldn’t have you. I made a mess of things.”
“Maybe it wasn’t our time, Chad. Did you ever look at it that way? Maybe we’re better off being friends. You say you need me, and perhaps you were right to assume I need you too, but I’m not going to fall back into a heated affair. I want you to promise me you’ll keep this platonic. You can’t push.”
It hurt me to hear her say it so seriously. “If that’s how you want it.”
“It is. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. I want your friendship. It’s what Charles would have wanted.”
As soon as she included my grandfather I knew I couldn’t argue. Maybe she was right. Maybe the only way to keep her in my life forever was to share a non-sexual relationship with her. It would be difficult to abstain. It had to be enough. I wasn’t willing to lose her again, not for any reason, which would include intimacy.
Chapter 14
Being with Chad was like going back in time. The more I fought to withstand his advances, the harder it was becoming to deny this could be my last opportunity for happiness.
There were serious problems with getting involved with Chad again.
First of all, he was married. Whether they'd divorce in time was irrelevant. According to the state of California, they were filing a joint return on their taxes at the end of the year. Not only that, but his wife wasn’t exactly the kind of woman to give up easily. She may have gone without a fight, but I had a feeling this wasn’t the end to the relationship, at least from her standpoint. I knew it for sure, because if he was mine, I’d never let him go.
Secondly, he lived in California. His whole life was there. His daughter had friends. They had a home. He ran his business there. It was only a matter of time before the facts outweighed staying here with me. I’d hold him back, and sever the attachments he’d made while we were separated. Life had gotten in the way. We’d grown apart.
Lastly, I was afraid of being hurt again. Chad may have thought walking away from me had been a good idea years ago, but it devastated me. Yes, I'd gone back to Grayson, and we'd had a beautiful marriage after that, but my heart still ached for what could have been. After my most recent loss, I couldn’t bear anymore suffering. I’d rather be alone than hurt.
Now, all of a sudden, he was pushing. I knew he saw this as a second chance, but I wasn’t as open-minded. I had to put my foot down and make rules, because I knew at any moment I’d lose control. I’d never been able to withstand him.
This new opportunity for a friendship scared the living crap out of me. Of all the women in the world, I'd never understand why Chad wanted me. A part of me didn't even care. I yearned for a connection, because the last two years of being alone had taken a toll on me. Now with Charles being gone, I was afraid my depression would become something I couldn't control with daily exercise and an extra dose of vitamins. I'd need more; and I wouldn’t allow myself to go through with it.
As I drove us in the direction of the mansion, I wondered if I was making a huge mistake. It was only a matter of time before I found out if we could be friends, or if our past was too significant to start over as if nothing happened between us.
My mind kept going back to when I’d first laid eyes on him again. He’d changed, but in all the right places. The little bit of silver in the sides of his hair made him look distinguished, and I’d almost forgotten how muscular his stocky figure had been. His smile, like a beacon to the soul, was hard to look away from, and his lips would be a constant reminder of where they’d been, and how they’d made me feel.
When I pulled down the long driveway I knew exactly what I was risking. “Are you sure your wife isn’t lingering around in the bushes ready to pounce?”
His chuckle was low, “She’s gone, Rach. And even if she wasn’t, you’d still be coming to dinner. She lost her say in what I do and who I associate with.”
“I took a karate class last year. I think I could handle a psycho woman if I needed to.”
“Now that I’d like to watch, at least for a little while, though Veronica wouldn’t be caught dead fighting with anyone. It would risk the messing up of her hair and makeup. She’s unrecognizable without her face on.”
I shoved him. “That’s horrible. You married her.”
“I’ll tell you about it later. Right now I’m too hungry to lose my appetite over admitting how stupid I’ve been. Baby steps, Rach.”
“I still hate it when you call me that.”
“Only because it reminds you of all the things I’m able to do to you.”
I didn’t reply. He’d only continue to egg me on, and I’d fall vic
tim to his charm. I was determined to leave the mansion in one piece.
As soon as the car came to a halt, I spotted a little girl come running out of the front door. “Daddy,” she called.
He climbed out and scooped her up into his arms. “Hey. I told you I’d be back.”
She pointed to me. “I know that lady. She was at the church.”
“Yeah, she was. Her name is Rachel. Can you say hello?”
“I’m Harper,” she told me.
“I know. You sure are pretty.”
She hid her face against her father’s chest like I’d embarrassed her.
“It’s getting chilly. Let’s get you girls inside.”
When we entered the home the first thing I noticed was a delicious fragrance resonating from the kitchen. Chad looked back to make sure I was still following behind him. I smiled, but after he turned around that smile was for a different purpose. Seeing him with his daughter was absolutely beautiful. It was an immediate recognition of his love, and I admired the man he’d become. There was a time when I thought he couldn’t be more endearing, but now I knew I’d been mistaken. This softer side of him was something only a parent could relate to. He was in awe of her, and I was taken back by the image of it.
Gracie had started dinner before Chad had arrived. He’d later confessed she’d sent him a message asking how much longer he’d be. She’d made Italian, which he’d later explained was Harper’s favorite food, and since she was such a finicky eater it was important he served things he knew she’d enjoy.
Harper did a lot of the talking during supper. She went on and on about the size of the mansion, and how she and Gracie had been playing while Chad was out visiting with me. She talked about her tooth being loose, and how much she looked forward to her upcoming birthday.
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