“It takes two to make a baby, Veronica. I get why you couldn’t tell me, and I don’t even blame you for being hurt when you found out I ran right to Rachel. I can see where you’d assume I’d been having an affair with her for a while, but you’d be wrong.”
She laced her hand with mine. I closed my eyes and for second pretended it was Rachel’s. My heart was breaking and there was no good resolution. “I’m sorry, Chad.”
“Me too. We’ll figure this out. The kids will have both of us in their lives, even if I have to rent a place on the same damn street.”
“Maybe one day we can be together again.”
I clenched my jaw and said nothing. She didn’t want to hear what I was thinking. I was too ashamed to admit it. Some things were better left unsaid.
While Veronica clearly had mixed emotions, I knew exactly where my heart lied. The only problem was that it was unreachable, and I didn’t know how to resolve it.
Chapter 25
I sat in my bed racking my nerves on how this was going to play out. Chad surely had enough time to find Veronica and get the answers he was searching for.
Why hadn’t he called me?
The longer I waited the more I began to stress. Of course, with my track record, I suspected the worst. Maybe she went raging mad and killed him so we couldn’t be together. Maybe, after discovering she was lying to keep him close, he’d committed murder and was desperately trying to hide the body.
Was he even capable of such heinous actions?
Why was I thinking these incredibly awful scenarios?
I couldn’t eat, and I refused to close my eyes, because I knew if I was already imagining horrible thoughts, my dreams would take me to worse places.
“Get it together, Rachel,” I mumbled to myself.
After a while I had to get out of bed and wander around. I cleaned out my closet, and rewashed all the clean linens in the hall closet. Then I decided to bake.
Two cakes and a dozen cookies later, I was doing the dishes, my mind still fixated on Chad and why I’d still not heard a peep from him.
It wasn’t until after midnight when I began to get emotional and assume the worst. I’d tried not to pick up the phone and contact him, but it was either that or getting in my car and driving all the way to the mansion to seek out the truth.
I located his saved number on my phone and listened for it to connect once I hit the send button. I could feel my heart beating rapidly while I waited in silence.
After four rings his voicemail picked up. I started to end the call, but decided to leave a message instead, just in case he was away from his phone. “Chad, it’s me, Rachel. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m freaking out. Please call me and let me know you’re okay. If you have bad news I can take it. It’s the not knowing that’s killing me. I love you.”
When I hung up the phone I sat down on my couch and stared at it, hoping it would start to vibrate in my hand.
Instead, a knocking on my door caused me to jump out of my seat. I ran toward it, knowing exactly who would be visiting this late at night. When I opened it, I had no idea the condition he’d be in, and I never suspected he’d be in tears.
I pulled him inside, wrapping my arms around him, not even wanting him to explain. Whatever he had come for was irrelevant. I’d been concerned for too long to care about his intentions. This embrace was so I could take a moment to regain my sanity. “I was so worried.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“I’m just glad you’re okay. I tried to call.”
“Yeah,” he said while still holding me. “I left it at the house.” He paused for a moment and kissed me on the forehead. “We need to talk, Rach.”
Right then I knew whatever he had to say I wasn’t going to like it. Now, instead of being worried, I was also petrified.
I led him into the living room and we sat down together. Chad played with my hands while he searched for the words he was going to use to explain. I already knew it would be terrible, so I prepared myself, breathing calmly and steadying my body to take the blow. “Just tell me you’re going to be okay.” He appeared to be struggling.
His face shriveled up as the first sentence came out. “I can’t do this again.” His limp body collapsed in my lap. All I could do was hold him, running my hands through his thick hair while he wept. This was unlike Chad. I knew he’d been in pain emotionally over his grandfather’s death, but this seemed absurd. He was like a child, crumbling after being punished for something ridiculously stupid.
“Talk to me, Chad. You can tell me anything. You know that.”
He shook his head and finally sat up, staring me right in the face. He brought his hand up, running the back of it over my cheek. “Do you have any idea how much I’ve loved you?”
I felt heat radiate over my face, overwhelmed with a sudden itch of flattery. “I have a pretty good idea.”
“The future should be about us, Rach. Together we can get through anything. I’ve never been so sure in my life.”
“Why are you upset? I’ve been thinking about what we talked about. I was wrong to say I wouldn’t follow you anywhere. I would. I’ll do whatever it takes this time.”
Chad was hesitant to respond. He took a few seconds to gather his thoughts. "I want you to know I wouldn't change what we've done. I'll never regret my time with you. It's something I'll cherish, because I know it's real. You are the one I let get away, and even though you're at peace with it, I will never see it as anything but the biggest mistake of my life. Everything would be different. We'd have a perfect life. We'd be best friends, lovers, hell, maybe even soul mates. Maybe this is my fault. I know I'm to blame, at least for my recent actions. I got carried away in you, in the possibility of us. I forgot about my responsibilities and let myself feel something again, if only for a little while."
"What are you going on about? I'm confused. What happened with Veronica?"
He turned in another direction, ashamed and distraught. "She's pregnant. She was telling the truth. I made her take two tests to be sure. It's a fucking mess, Rach." Chad covered his face with his hands, almost appearing as if he were about to pray. "I'm obligated to support her; to be a parent to my child."
I tucked my arm under Chad’s, and placed my head on his shoulder. "That's a good thing. You should be there. That's why I've decided I'll go wherever you need to be. I can work remotely. As long as we're together."
His fingers were gently placed over my lips to prevent me from speaking. "Stop. Please don't say anymore. I can't bear it. It's too painful. I feel like my heart is being ripped in two. I can't do this, Rach."
"But you promised."
"I know what I said. I also promised to love my wife, and be a good father to my daughter. Apparently I can't have it all, at least not the part where I get to be with you for the rest of my days."
"I don't understand. What is going on? Why can't we be together, and more importantly, what brought this on? I thought we were on the same page." I was losing it. My inability to accept this was a result was making the situation ten times worse.
"I thought we were too, but apparently I'm not allowed to have you and my children. I'm in a terrible position. She's got me by the balls, Rach."
"So, let me guess, she wants you with her?"
"No. Actually I'm certain we will be living separately. Veronica was going to have an abortion. She said she wouldn't keep the baby unless I severed ties with you and sold the mansion. She wants me to have no reason to return."
"That is ridiculous."
"What else am I supposed to do? For right now I have to go along with it. I don't have a fucking choice."
I shook my head. "No. This can't be happening again. I won't lose you."
"I can't ask you to wait for me."
"I would." I reassured him. "I will wait as long as it takes."
"Rach, I can't ask that of you."
"You never have to ask. I insist." I paused for a moment to see if
he could relax a bit. “I don’t want this to be over. I just got you back. This can’t happen again. We can’t let it. There has to be a way for us to be together. I’ll wait.”
“That’s just it,” he said while running his hands up my arms. “I don’t want you to. You have a life here, a grandchild who is about to be born. I know how much that child means to you. I can’t expect you to drop everything you love and follow me across the country to deal with my bullshit. Veronica and I don’t even know what we’re going to do as far as living arrangements, or if we’ll tell Harper we’re separating. If we do, or she figures it out on her own, she’s going to need me there, every single day reminding her I’m never going to leave. My life is in California, and yours is here. If I could be in two places at once I would. Trust me. It’s all I want, but it’s not feasible. I don’t know what it is about us, Rach, but the cards are never on our side.”
I was still in denial. “This isn’t happening again.”
He pulled me into his arms, holding me tightly as I began to sob. He wasn’t saying goodbye so I could go back to my husband. He was saying goodbye because we lived two different lives. It was permanent, and once again he was breaking my heart.
His lips brushed over my forehead. “I will never stop loving you, but I need you find happiness with someone who can give you everything you need. Think about it this way. A week ago you were living life without me. You can go back to it. I’m not asking you to pretend our time together didn’t happen, but I’m begging you to forgive me for walking away again.”
This wasn’t the way I saw things going. I certainly didn’t think Chad would give up so easily, but I also couldn’t imagine what it would have felt like to be in his arms again, not until it actually happened. I had to come to grips with losing him, because I knew it was only a matter of time before he walked out the door and never returned. “I can’t say goodbye to you, Chad. I don’t want you to go.” My bellowing was making it impossible to continue. I didn’t have the strength to beg him to stay.
For a little while Chad held me close, both of us giving up on fighting the battle of our emotions. Like the time before, Chad was doing the walking away, leaving me to go through the motions of figuring out what my future would be without him in it.
He was right. I’d done it before, but I’d had a reason. I’d had Grayson. This time I was alone, regretfully wishing there was something I could do to rectify our situation.
After time passed, we both knew he’d have to get going. I was terrified of the goodbye kiss that I’d never want to end. I couldn’t imagine denying him the opportunity. Thankfully, Chad had a different kind of idea for making it a little easier to bear.
He took my hand and kissed it before standing up. Then, without asking if we were on the same page, he led me toward the stairs. I knew what was about to happen between us, and with a heavy heart I followed, knowing there was no place else on earth that I’d rather be.
Chapter 26
We got halfway up the stairs before I let go of Rachel’s hand, turned around and lifted her whole body in my arms. She clung to my neck, pressing her lips against mine without reluctance. This was where we were supposed to be; together and unafraid of what could come.
Instead I was grasping at straws, desperate to cling to some kind of hope that I knew wasn’t there. In actuality this was our goodbye.
Some people look their whole lives for love without finding the one person they’re meant to be with. Rachel and I had discovered it with each other twice, only to realize we still couldn’t make it work.
“Tell me you don’t want this, Rach. That’s the only way I’ll be able to stop myself.”
Her hands laced with mine as she responded. “You’re all I want, Chad. Stay the night with me. Hold me in your arms and let’s pretend you never have to let me go.”
“You know if I could stay with you forever I would. I’d give you the world. We’d be amazing.”
“We already are.” She placed a chaste kiss in between her words. “It doesn’t matter how many miles might distance us. We’re going to have this again. I won’t give up.”
I smiled. “Neither will I, babe. I’ll find a way to come back to you.”
“You better.”
Her shirt was the first to come off, forced by my gentle hands while they coursed a trail up her skin. I crouched my body down, making a short detour to kiss and lick over her smooth neck, taking in the scent of her sweet skin, and how I’d never be able to get it out of my mind. She smelled like lavender and sunshine, and if I could bottle it up into one of those three wick candles I would have. While my nose was fascinated, basking in her essence, my palms soothed over her breasts, then underneath to push her bra out of the way. Once it cleared her supple mounds, she took the liberty of taking it off so I wouldn’t have to.
I moved my head around one of her breasts, dragging my lips over the nipple without opening my mouth. I could feel it hardening, like it was awakening, preparing for my hungry feast.
Being this close to her, feeling her hands coming up and holding onto my shoulders, made me yearn to risk everything for us to be together. Our powerful connection left me vulnerable, seeking a resolution I knew wasn’t reachable. My lips parted, only to be distracted when Rachel’s shaking alarmed me. I peered up to notice her crying. Her body trembled; the pain of this being our goodbye breaking her. I wished I could take away the heartache, to shelter her from reality, but mostly to keep her mine. If only things were different. If only there was a way to hold on to hope. To be able to count on each other through good and bad. I hated letting her down, betraying her inner soul for the second time. Mostly, I felt defeated because I wouldn’t be the man to take away her sorrows and promise her a better future.
With nothing to offer her but pain, it was impossible to focus on anything else, especially in her current condition.
What was I to do? Ask her to wait eighteen years until I moved away from my children without regret?
“Please don’t cry, Rach. It’s not like we can’t talk. I’ll always be there for you. I’m only going to be a phone call away. I know it’s not enough, but at least it’s something.”
She wiped her tears away. “I feel like you’re the best part of me. As I crumble to pieces you’re the only person I want to make the pain go away. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about you when Grayson died. A part of me wanted to reach out to you, because I knew you could fix what was broken, but I felt guilty thinking it. I didn’t want to admit that you were my backup, because you and I both know you’ve never been just a second choice for me. Asking me to go back in time wouldn’t solve anything. You made the choice for me, and even though I don’t regret going back to Grayson instead of fighting for you, I can appreciate why you did what you did. I thought you didn’t love me enough, but now I know different.”
“Rachel,” I said her full name in almost a whisper. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted. I feel like as soon as I get a taste of perfection it’s taken away from me. I didn’t anticipate this to happen between us.”
“Me either,” she interrupted.
“Let me make love to you, not because it’s goodbye, but because we both need to be close to each other, because we can’t let go yet.”
She nodded, accepting my fast kiss like it was our last moments on earth. Like lightening was crashing around us, I took her in my arms, shielding her from the temporary rush of pain that came with such an embrace.
This time when I picked her up, I felt her legs wrap around my waist. She clung to me, placing her arms around my neck as I led us the rest of the way into her bedroom.
The décor may have been different from ten years ago, but the furniture was arranged in the same position. We made it to the bed within ten steps, and as she fell back onto the mattress, I kept kissing her while climbing to hover over her.
My shirt was being ripped over my head, her cold hands sending chills throughout my limbs. Fueled by fear, the remaining articles of c
lothing came off quickly. I stood at the foot of the bed taking her in, savoring the moment before getting close again. Every inch was like a mile left to go, traveling until I’d reached all the landmarks. Before we were able to get lost under the covers, I was intent on making damn sure I didn’t miss the opportunity to memorize her curves, and the way her body reacted to my touch.
This rendezvous, never meant to be in secret, was taking the best parts of me and boxing them where no one would ever find again. I’d always been a man of faith, but even God couldn’t help heal my heart, not unless he found some way to split me in two.
All my instincts told me this was where I belonged. All the roads always led me back to her. She was my future, even before I knew the man I’d become. Our most precious moments, forever becoming distant memories we’d never be able to get back.
“Tell me I’m not a fool for leaving this, Rach.”
She shook her head, never taking her gaze from mine. “You’re a good man, and a wonderful father. I respect your decisions. I always have.”
“I want you so bad, not just this, right now, but forever. I meant it when I asked you to marry me. I know we were playing around, but there’s nothing more I could want in this world. It’s not about the money, or what I have to my name. I could be homeless and I know you’d still love me. That’s how I know what I have with Veronica doesn’t mean shit to me. Imagining losing her might have hurt me, but the thought of walking away from you, it’s fucking shredding my heart apart. I feel like I need you, and I’m willing to go to extremes to keep you close.”
“If you’re considering cutting me up and carrying me around in some kind of man purse I’m not okay with it.”
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