by Sarah Price
Whatever bothered Emanuel became more apparent as they rode down the lane. He kept glancing at her, clearing his throat, then remaining silent. He held the reins with one hand then, uneasily, took them into both of his hands, as though uncertain of what to do with his free hand. He leaned behind her, turning on the small battery operated radio and fiddling with the dial. Then, the only clear stations cracking with static, he changed his mind and turned it off.
"Emanuel," Shana softly started. If she had once thought that maybe her imagination was running wild, she now knew reality was Emanuel sitting next to her, his own uncertainty challenged only by hers. "I think we should talk." To her horror, he nodded but said nothing. Forced to read his mind as well as sort her own misplaced thoughts, Shana took a deep breath and said, "I'm not Amish and I never will be." She looked at him, waiting for him to reply. Please, dear God, she prayed silently, don't be letting me read too much into this.
When he finally glanced at her, he straightened his back and quickly returned his eyes to the road. "Shana, I understand that," he replied gruffly.
"And," she slowly continued. "We both come from different worlds. In my world, women are independent and worldly. In your world, women are obedient and sheltered. I'm afraid if you got to know me any better, I'd shock you."
"Perhaps," he agreed.
"I'm a product of my world. An independent woman, Emanuel. I work in a restaurant with ungodly hours. I have a long career ahead of me," she said, although in her heart she knew that after experiencing the Amish tranquility, her career was not going to be managing restaurants for the rest of her life. Then, softly, she added, "I'm not even religious."
Emanuel hesitated then, slowly, he said, "That doesn't matter."
"But it does," she countered, turning to face him, all doubt vanished from her mind. Even in the sheltered darkness of the buggy, she could see the blazing of his blue eyes, the sparkle of life that she dreaded because it meant only one thing for Emanuel: shunning. "You have a life here, one that is centered around religion and faith. If we continue this little game, Emanuel, you'd have to leave everything because they'd never accept me in your world."
"Not at first," he argued slowly, appearing to chose his words slowly.
"Emanuel, my curiosity about your lifestyle does not mean I've accepted its faith. No matter how many weeks, months, or years it took, can you expect your community to open their arms and accept me?" she asked, her words trembling from her lips. "Accept an Englischer that belongs to no faith, especially not one that is the focal point of their lives?"
He stared at her. Her long, wavy hair hung over her shoulders in loose, gentle curls. Her large brown eyes danced as though daring him to ignore the words she said. Instead of answering her, Emanuel slowed the horse down until the buggy was stopped alongside the road. Then, very slowly, he leaned forward, reaching one hand out to touch her cheek as he gently lowered his lips onto hers. For one brief, bewildering moment, their two worlds collided as they kissed. To Shana's shame, she gave in to his kiss, closing her eyes and leaning back in the seat. She felt him pulling her close, one arm slipping around her waist, holding her tight to him. His lips pressed gently against hers, a forbidden passion emerging from his kiss. She answered back, allowing herself that one dangerous moment that confirmed everything she had been fighting. Then, to both her disappointment and surprise, he quickly released her and pulled away.
Diverting his eyes from hers, Emanuel stared straight ahead, urging the horse forward again. He neither spoke nor looked at her. Instead, he quickly turned the buggy around and headed home. Each sway of the buggy caused Shana to brush against him. But this time, she did not feel a thrill but a growing sense of shame.
Certainly he was angry with her, hating her for creating the turmoil he was feeling. A turmoil that was, apparently, driving a wedge in his beliefs and values. For the rest of the ride, Shana bit her lip and choked back her tears, wondering how she could have let herself lose the friend she had in Emanuel.
Chapter Seven
For the next month, Shana threw herself into her work at the restaurant, spending every waking hour at work, organizing and managing in order to escape from the Lapp farm. She forced herself to forget about that nightmare ride in Emanuel's buggy and the sweet memory of his lips pressed against hers. When she returned to the house late at night, he was certainly asleep. In the mornings, when she left the house, she knew he was in the fields. Occasionally, she would see him behind the reins of the mules as they pulled a plow or a wagon, usually with two of his brothers following on foot as they shocked the fallen corn or tossed up the bales of hay. But Emanuel was too far away to see her.
"Shana, phone call for you."
Wiping her hands on her dirty apron, she glanced down the cook line. "You guys ok back here?" She didn't wait for their response as she carefully walked along the slippery floor to the small office in the back of the restaurant. "Hello, this is Shana."
“How you doing out there in farmland?"
Sinking into a chair, Shana shuffled some papers on the desk. "How good to hear from you, Robert," she replied dryly. In the six weeks she had been in Lancaster, he hadn't contacted her once. Slowly, it occurred to her that her promotion had upset him, and his way of dealing with it was to transfer her as far away as possible. "I'm doing just fine out here. Beautiful country."
"Heard from the top that you're doing a great job. Much better than they had hoped." His double-bladed compliment did not go unnoticed. "They're planning to make a trip out there. Probably not for another couple of weeks. Make sure you're consistent."
Shana leaned back in the chair, her fingers entwining with the phone cord. "Robert, why did you call?" She picked up a paper, her eyes quickly glancing over the P & L figures before tossing it back onto the desk.
"Just wanted to make sure you were happy since you're probably going to be there for a while."
Shana felt her heart lunge forward in her chest. "I thought I was coming home in another couple of weeks."
"Couple of weeks?" Robert laughed on the other end of the phone. "Maybe for a Thanksgiving visit. Look, I'm real busy. I'll give you a call in a week or so." He hung up, his laughter echoing in her ears.
Annoyed, Shana slammed the phone back on the cradle. She knew she couldn't keep hiding from Emanuel by killing herself. Already, she was burning out. Ever since that weekend when he had taken her to the Amish picnic and volleyball game, she hadn't been able to concentrate on anything, especially not work. Nothing felt the same since that buggy ride and his kiss, she corrected herself. Still furious from Robert’s phone call, Shana stormed out of the office and back to the kitchen line.
It didn't take long for the summer night air to grow increasingly chilly as the days began to slowly shorten. The staff at the restaurant turned over, the summer staff being replaced by returning college students. The other two managers insisted that Shana take some time off, noticing her increasing lack of enthusiasm. Reluctantly, Shana had agreed. She knew there was no purpose in making herself sick over a job she no longer loved. Especially now that Robert had so chivalrously informed her that her stay in Lancaster was to be extended. So, a week before Labor Day, Shana left work for an extended week's vacation.
The following morning, she slept as late as possible, enjoying the lazy feeling of getting out of bed at ten o'clock. After a quick breakfast, Shana took a long, hot shower and dressed in a light summer dress. She sat outside on her porch, reading a book as the heat from the sun dried her hair. She wasn't certain what she was going to do with her time off. Part of her wanted to get away from the farm, perhaps go to the shore or return home for the weekend. But something inside nagged at her to stop running from Emanuel and her emotions.
Some time later, she heard someone approaching. Looking up from her book, she noticed Emanuel's sister-in-law walking slowly toward the house, her one-year-old daughter on her hip. "Gude mariye, Shana! How good to see you!" Lillian called out.
Jonas Jr
. and Lillian had married two years earlier and lived in the grossdaadihaus, a smaller house attached to Katie and Jonas'. Unlike his father, Jonas Jr, didn’t farm. Instead, he had started a carpentry business on his father’s property. In time, he would move his growing family into the main house and then, eventually, they would build a house closer to the carpentry shop. One of the younger brothers’ would inherit the Lapp farm and pass it down to his own children. For now, the slight bump in Lillian's expanding waistline announced that Jonas Jr. and Lillian were working at adding onto their family, even though Lillian looked to be no more than nineteen.
Setting her daughter on the ground, Lillian stopped at the edge of Shana's porch. "You've been busy recently and no one has seen you. If it wasn't for your car, we'd never know you were still here."
Shana returned Lillian's pleasant smile. "Well, my employers have given me a little vacation, although I'm sure I'll end up popping into the restaurant every couple days to keep an eye on things."
"You'll have to come for supper this evening if you're to be home all alone."
"I don't know, Lillian," Shana started, hating herself for wanting to accept but knowing in her heart that she couldn't. How would Emanuel react to her unexpected intrusion in his life after she had worked so hard to forget that night? "I have a lot of work to do and..." A lie that Lillian was certain to sense.
Lillian smiled, "You said you're on vacation. That means relaxation, not work." Picking Linda up, Lillian smiled. "Supper's around seven, after the milking. We'll see you there, ja?" Then, with a friendly wave of her hand, Lillian continued walking up the lane toward the mailboxes.
Shortly before seven, Shana forced herself to wander through the farm toward the big house. At least, she thought, I'll be able to talk with Jonas about extending my stay here. She tried to forget about having to face Emanuel but she knew it was inevitable. The heavy emptiness in her stomach tightened as she neared the house, each step bringing her closer to confronting the memory of that night. She had to get it over with. Running away had never been her style.
Katie and Sylvia welcomed Shana with friendly yet distanced smiles. Then, to Shana's relief, Katie set her to work husking some fresh ears of corn. If nothing else, it kept her busy. She listened to them talking about church the following Sunday and learned that the worship service would be held in their house. Katie listed the various chores to Sylvia that needed to be done by Sunday. "Almost wish Susie hadn't gone away this week. We could have used the extra hands. I don't know how we'll ever get the extra cleaning and cooking done."
Shana looked up as she set the last ear of corn on the table. "If you need some help, Katie, I'd be more than happy to volunteer," she heard herself say, instantly regretting her lack of foresight. If Katie accepted her offer, Shana would most certainly run into Emanuel all week.
Katie scooped the corn into her massive hands and dumped them into a pot of boiling water. She didn't have time to answer as the men began to stomp up the porch steps, brushing the dirt off their clothes before entering the house. "Looks like the men are finished." While Katie looked anxiously out the window, she did not move toward the door to greet her husband and sons.
Jonas smiled at Shana as he set his hat on a peg in the wall. He walked over to the sink and washed his hands, Katie obediently moving out of his way. "Off from work, Shana? Seems we never get to visit anymore," he said pleasantly.
Shana stole a quick glance at the door, waiting for Emanuel to appear. "They gave me time off for good behavior," she replied with a nervous smile. Two of the younger boys hurried into the house, following their father's example as they hung up their hats and washed their hands. One by one, they slowly sat on the hard, wooden benches at the table, Jonas at the head and the boys on his right.
Shana stood by the oven, waiting for an invitation to join them when she felt a gentle nudge at her shoulder. "Glad you made it," Lillian smiled as she moved past Shana to set some food on the table.
Shana hadn't seen Lillian enter, nor had she noticed Emanuel, standing in the doorway. He hesitated then walked into the room. He ran his fingers through his hair before he sat down at the table, his eyes following Shana as she helped Katie take the corn out of the water and began chatting cheerfully with his sister-in-law.
Still unaware of his presence, Shana returned Lillian's warm smile. "After you insisted, I couldn't pass up the offer." Lillian's daughter tugged at Shana's skirt. Bending down, Shana tugged playfully at Linda's pigtail. "What a pretty young lady you are! Did you visit the kittens today?"
Cheerfully, Lillian laughed and picked up Linda. "Oh yes. We went down this morning then later this afternoon. Those are fine kittens, aren't they, Lindy?" The little girl giggled as Lillian lovingly tickled her daughter's chubby stomach. Then, Linda reached out for Shana. "Looks like you found a new friend, Shana."
After taking the little girl into her arms, Shana bounced her up and down several times, laughing with the child until Sylvia and Katie headed for the table. Shana turned around to follow when she noticed Emanuel. He was staring at her, his eyes glazed over as if deep in thought. Nonchalantly, Shana carried Linda over to the table. She tried to avoid his gaze but it followed her wherever she went as though accusing her of invading his world. She remembered their kiss and, for a brief moment, longed to be alone with him again.
"Shana, come sit." Lillian motioned for Shana to take her seat on the bench. The women sat opposite the men, Jonas and Jonas Jr. seated at the heads of the table. While they bowed their head in prayer, Shana stole a quick glance at Emanuel. His lips moved in the silent prayer but his eyes were still upon her. She felt the color rising to her cheeks and quickly lowered her eyes as though in prayer.
During the meal, the men talked about filling the silo and harvesting the rest of the hay while the women remained silent. Occasionally, Jonas would ask one of the girls a question, either about school or Ana's day in the market. Otherwise, the conversation was strictly male-oriented, much to Shana's satisfaction. It gave her time to sort her thoughts, free them from the web of confusion that seeing Emanuel had created.
"After supper, Emanuel, I need you to drive out to the Amos Smucker's farm. Bought two heifers from him. Might as well pick them up."
Katie looked up from her empty plate. "Is Miriam still ill? Last I heard she caught a dreadful end-of-summer cold." Without waiting for an answer, Katie turned to Sylvia. "Perhaps you should go along with Emanuel and bring her that fresh pie I baked today."
"Ja, Mother," Sylvia obediently answered.
For the first time since he had walked into the kitchen, Emanuel spoke up. "Sylvia has school work she must do. By the time I return, it'll be late."
For a moment, no one spoke. Jonas Jr. scraped the rest of his food off his plate, the fork clinking against the porcelain plate. The two younger boys leaned forward, apparently hoping they were told to skip the evening chores to ride with their big brother. Shana glanced at sixteen year-old Ana. Ana kept her eyes glued on her plate, obviously not wanting to take Sylvia's place since she had spent the entire day in the farmer's market selling canned fruits, jams, and vegetables to tourists. But, now that Katie had spoken, someone had to take the pie to Miriam Smucker.
Lillian glanced around the table as she held Linda on her lap, smoothing down the little girl's solid pink polyester dress. The little girl, her eyes drooping shut, nodded in and out of sleep. Innocently, Lillian smiled at Emanuel. "Perhaps Shana could ride along. I'm sure she'd like to get out for a spell."
This time, Shana felt the color drain from her face as she glanced at Emanuel. Certainly he'll find a good excuse to take one of the boys, she thought. Her mouth almost dropped when Emanuel nodded, setting his napkin on his plate. "Ja vell, I'll be ready as soon as I harness the horse."
Twenty minutes later, Shana found herself in Emanuel's buggy, a blanket over their legs and an apple pie on her lap. They rode in silence with only the steady pulse of the horse's hooves to break up the monotony. The night air c
hilled her blood, although the pounding of Shana's heart kept her warm. I don't even know Miriam Smucker, Shana thought as she stared out the windshield, nodding at the passing buggy.
"Cold?"
"No," she replied softly.
The silence hovered over them for a few uncomfortable minutes. After they were on the road and away from the farm, Emanuel slowed the trotting horse down to a walk. He glanced at Shana before he cleared his throat. "You've been busy at work."
Ja, she thought to herself before she replied with a simple "Yes."
"Not even one day off for the past few weeks. It's good you have vacation now."
Again, she agreed with a simple, "Yes."
Another moment of silence fell between them. She could tell that he had something he wanted to say but he seemed to be struggling with how to say it. He hesitated, clearing his throat before he announced, "My parents are pressuring me to take my baptism this fall."
Shana gasped as she realized what he was actually saying. "Take your baptism?" She turned to stare at him. "Why, Emanuel, you've never been baptized?"