by Sarah Price
The dog barked outside. Emanuel glanced out the kitchen window. A buggy stopped outside the stable. He looked at the grandfather clock in the corner by Jonas' favorite green chair. It read eleven-fifteen. "Must be Steve, back from the singing." He turned to Shana. She hadn't moved from the doorway, her face deathly pale. He reached for her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I'll walk you home."
Outside, the fresh, cold air caught in Shana's throat. She fought the rush of tears brimming in her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she tried to relax. She knew she should be happy, brimming with love for the future that she would share with Emanuel. But the sorrowful look on Katie’s face and the somberness of Jonas’ words haunted her. When she began to cry, Emanuel stopped walking and took her into his arms. They stood on the shadow of the barn until her quiet sobs ceased. The dog bark again as Steve walked from the stable to the house, unaware of Emanuel and Shana's presence in the darkness.
When the porch door slammed shut, Emanuel released Shana and wiped her tears away with his fingers. He tried to smile, to reassure her that it would be all right. "You shouldn't cry, Shana. This is supposed to be a happy time."
"They looked as though you had died! They'll never forgive me for this!" she sobbed.
"In a way, I have died. But there is nothing to forgive," he tried to explain. "My refusal to become a baptized member hurts them because they believe it reflects my upbringing. But, Shana, they will get over it." He tilted her chin and lovingly kissed her lips. Her tears stopped and her lips parted, receiving the warmth of his kiss. His arms held her tightly and the tenderness of his kiss calmed her. When he finally lifted his lips off of hers, he gave her a reassuring smile. "Now, you must get yourself a good-night sleep as must I. I'm helping Daed fill silo tomorrow. And tomorrow night, I must ride out to my tenants."
At the porch of her house, she let him kiss her again. She shut the door and locked it after Emanuel had wished her good-night. He was right, she thought. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life. Turning off the kitchen light, she climbed the narrow staircase to her bedroom. For a long while, she sat on the edge of her bed, staring at her bare ring finger. There would be no engagement ring or wedding announcements. Just a simple ceremony and a quiet supper. In less than four weeks, I will become Emanuel Lapp's wife, she thought as she undressed. The smile faded from her face as she remembered Katie and Jonas' reaction. That night, their faces lingered in her dreams.
Chapter Ten
Shana clutched the basket of food Katie had given her when they left the Lapp house only forty minutes before. The simple gold band on her finger felt awkward. She glanced at it, noticing how shiny and new it looked. She twisted it with her thumb. Her eyes drifted to Emanuel's hands, holding the horse's reins as the buggy rolled down the road toward their new lives together. While the Amish frowned upon jewelry, Shana had insisted that they both wear wedding rings. It was a piece of her culture that she refused to give up. Reluctantly, Emanuel had relented, knowing that such a little sacrifice on his part would not hurt.
The ceremony had been performed on the front yard of the Lapp house by a pastor from a nearby Old Order Mennonite church. Shana, dressed in a simple pale blue dress with a white apron, typical of the Amish style, had stood by Emanuel's side, holding his hand tightly in hers.
The pastor had placed his hands on their clasped hands as he said, "The ordinance of Christian wedlock has been spoken. Having heard them, are you, Emanuel Lapp, willing to enter wedlock with Shana Slater as, in the beginning of time, God commanded? Before the Lord and this church, do you promise your wedded wife that you will never depart from her and will care for her, guiding her spiritually through life and in any circumstance in which, as a Christian husband, you are responsible to care for your wife until the Lord separates you?"
"Yes," Emanuel said, his voice raspy and hoarse.
The pastor had smiled as he turned to Shana. "Shana, are you willing to enter wedlock with Emanuel Lapp..." he started as he repeated the same vows.
Shana had hesitated long enough to glance up at Emanuel. He squeezed her hand and she took a deep breath as she replied, "Yes." And they were married.
Afterwards, the newly wedded couple shared their first meal with over two hundred of Emanuel's relatives. Shana felt lost in the introduction of all of her new uncles and aunts and cousins and finally gave up on remembering anyone's name. For once, the women insisted that Shana meet her new family while they worked in the kitchen on the simple but pleasant wedding meal of cooked ham and roasted chicken with mashed potatoes, coleslaw, chow-chow, celery, bread, and plenty of freshly baked pies. With so many people to serve, the family ate in shifts, with the newlyweds enjoying the first serving. After they ate, the rest of the family, from oldest to youngest, found their chance to sit at the tables in the Lapp house for their meal.
While the family appeared joyous for Emanuel's sake, Shana knew that it was hard for everyone to accept a non-Amish woman into their family. The hurt was still obvious. Jonas had stood alone most of the evening, avoiding all contact with his son's bride. Shana had stuck by Lillian's side while Emanuel talked with his uncles and male cousins. Emanuel's aunts smiled pleasantly at Shana, some talking to her about different recipes or what awaited her in her new life on Emanuel's farm.
Finally, to both Shana's relief and dismay, when the meal was over and the younger, unmarried adults had disappeared to the barn to play games, Emanuel signaled Shana that it was time to leave for their hour ride back to his farm. The rest of the family bid them farewell. No hugging, no tears. Just a simple "May God bless you" and the celebration was over. Shana was glad to leave the tenseness of the celebration but knew that, in doing so, she would be starting a new journey. For the first time, they’d be alone as man and wife and she couldn’t deny being nervous about that.
For the past four weeks, she had rarely seen Emanuel. After working all day, he disappeared at night, fixing up the farmhouse so, after the wedding, he could bring his young bride home. One evening, he had taken her with him. Together, they had walked hand-in-hand across the bare fields and brown pastures in the dying light of the day, talking about their future lives together, the crops they would plant and harvest, and the herd of cows they would raise. But the air was cold with winter threatening to show its force so they had retreated back to the buggy after Shana had a quick, initial assessment of her future home.
Now, an outline of their farmhouse and barn forming on the horizon, Shana felt her stomach twist into knots again. The small brown river that cut the fields in half had dried up from lack of rain. The fields were empty, last year's crops having been harvested only three weeks prior. The entire barn had been freshly painted, except for the black trim which was chipping around the doors and windows. On this day, while everything appeared familiar, the small farm was no longer a place in her future. This is my home, she thought as Emanuel turned the buggy into the long driveway. Our home, she quickly corrected.
Emanuel stopped the buggy outside of the barn. Unlike the Lapp farm, there was no dog to bark a greeting or cats lazing around the early fading sun. Emanuel slid back the buggy door and got out, the buggy jiggling under his shifting weight. He reached up to help Shana down, holding her hand for a moment before he reached for the basket. Neither spoke, each wrapped in their private world of thoughts as Shana followed Emanuel to the two-story farmhouse with the wrap-around porch. He unlocked the kitchen door then held it open for Shana. She hesitated, wondering if she should mention the non-Amish tradition of carrying the bride over the threshold. Noticing his serious expression, she quickly decided against it and simply walked into the kitchen.
The tenants had moved out two weeks prior to their wedding day. In that time, Emanuel had repainted the main rooms inside the house. The kitchen's walls were sky blue. On the wall over the water pump was a pretty country calendar. The four windows were covered with simple dark green shades, each pulled down halfway. Shana looked around, amazed that this was now her k
itchen. No longer would she have to work outside of their farm, she realized. Instead, she would spend the rest of her life in her own kitchen, preparing meals for her own family, rather than complete strangers. She'd care for her home, plant her own garden, and help Emanuel during harvest-time in the fields. This was her new job and her new office, she realized.
Emanuel set the basket on the counter. The quiet echoed in their ears. He watched as Shana started taking the food out. Her hands trembled and she did not meet his gaze. The ring on her finger caught a glimmer of sunlight. Reaching out, Emanuel took her hand in his and held it for a minute. When she finally looked at him, he smiled. "Plenty of time for putting things away, ja?" She nodded. "There's a present for you in the living room," he said quietly.
Together, they walked into the living room. He had taken down the partition that separated the living room from the kitchen. Since he could never be baptized in the Amish faith with a non-Amish wife, there was no reason to keep the living room closed off for those annual Sunday sermons that they would not be hosting in their non-Amish house.
In the living room, there was a simple sofa and a rocking chair. The walls gleamed from the fresh coat of beige paint. The windows overlooked the fields, which, come spring, would ripple with young, green corn. As her eyes adjusted to the shadows, she scanned the room and stopped as her gaze fell upon the corner of the room with a beautiful, oak grandfather clock. Emanuel quickly went to it, opening the glass door and winding the long, brass chimes. He stood back, admiring the splendid workmanship.
"It's beautiful," Shana whispered.
"Ja," he said softly. "I bought it for you."
She fought her tears and averted her eyes. "I don't know what to say."
Emanuel squeezed her hand, understanding Shana's feelings. They stood in their living room for the first time as man and wife, unsure how to react to each other on their first evening alone in their house. As Emanuel had said the night he proposed, they were, indeed, good friends. But now, they had to adapt to an intimacy reserved only for those wedded. For a long while, they stood in the middle of the living room, holding hands as they listened to the steady ticking of the grandfather's clock.
After several silent minutes passed, Emanuel finally sighed. "Guess I better milk the cows, then."
She nodded and followed him as he walked out of the living room and through the kitchen to the staircase. The stairs were high and narrow. Each wooden step creaked under their feet, the sound breaking the increasingly unbearable silence of the house.
Once upstairs, Emanuel led her into the master bedroom. The large double bed with the dark oak headboard threatened her and she lingered in the doorway. Against the wall, Emanuel had put a mirrored dresser. Some of Shana's personal belongings were spread out on the top. The sight of familiar things made her feel slightly more comfortable. Her eyes darted around the typically Amish room. Emanuel's suspendered pants and colorful Amish shirts hung from pegs on the wall. There were no closets in her new home. He quickly undressed from his Sunday outfit and put on his work clothes, ignoring Shana's eyes on his naked back.
"I haven't any furniture for the rest of the bedrooms," he said as he sat on the edge of the bed to put on his boots. "Figured we needn't worry about that for a while." His insinuation brought a blush to Shana's cheeks and he smiled to himself as he tied his boots. Then, standing up, he walked to her. "You get familiar with your new home while I milk," he said softly as he leaned over to kiss her. She clung to him for the briefest of moments, unsure of what to say or do. He smiled into her eyes and gave her one more soft kiss before he disappeared down the dark stairwell. She heard the door shut as he ventured outside to start his evening chores.
Shana quietly picked up the small pile of clothes Emanuel had left scattered on the floor by the bed. She hung them on the wall next to his other outfits before she followed his example and undressed, folding her wedding dress neatly and placing it on the bed. Though plain, it was a beautiful dress that had brought a glow to Emanuel's eyes when he had first seen her early that morning, even if his family had disapproved. Shana reached out and touch the soft fabric, realizing that she would never have an opportunity to wear such finery again. Her heart fluttered and she pulled away her hand, forcing herself to redirect her attention to exploring the dresser until she found a plain black skirt and a white sweater that Emanuel had unpacked from her trunks, which she had sent ahead the day before.
After she had changed her clothing, she turned around and caught a glimpse of her reflection in the oval mirror that hung over the dresser. She stopped for a moment, staring closely at the woman who gazed back. She ran her fingers through her bangs. The rest of her hair was pulled back in a tight French braid. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes bright. "You're somebody's wife now," she told herself. In the mirror's reflection, her eyes lingered on the bed behind her. A shiver ran up her spine and she quickly retreated out of the bedroom, nervous at the thought of her first night alone with Emanuel.
Downstairs, she finished putting away the food Katie had given them. Shana could still remember Katie's reaction that night to Emanuel's decision of a bride. For several days after their announcement, Emanuel had seemed extra quiet and serious. Shana knew it was because of his family's disapproval. But after the initial shock, the family had accepted Emanuel's choice, trying to acknowledge the hardworking Shana as their future daughter-in-law, while hiding their disappointment in her religious background.
Shana examined everything inside the gasoline-generated refrigerator, which was stocked with store-bought necessities such as butter, condiments and a neatly stacked row of eggs. Emanuel had even prepared a glass pitcher with homemade iced tea. She shut the door, wondering how she was going to prepare supper for him every day for the rest of her life. Everything she knew how to prepare was cooked with spices and sauces, unlike the natural and plain cuisine Katie had raised her Amish family. The cabinets were neatly supplied with canned vegetables, serving dishes, and cooking utensils. Most of these items had been donated by Katie and Lillian, sharing the fruits of their labor to help the young married couple get started at the new farm. Shutting the cabinet doors when she finished with her indoor exploration, Shana ventured outside.
The sky was dark and the sun sinking over the fields. Shana stopped by the fence and watched as the sun set in the sky. It glowed a brilliant reddish-orange over the desolated cornfields. The trees that lined the dried river appeared like skeletons, their empty branches reaching to the sky. As the reddish-orange blended into a deeper, more solid reddish-blue, the cold began to seep into her bones.
Shana shivered and hurried into the barn where she could barely see the bright glow from the kerosene lamp Emanuel was using as he milked the cows. The stench of fresh manure rose to her nostrils and she crinkled her nose. The cows were mooing and she could hear Emanuel talking quietly to them. She smiled. Stepping over a fallen shovel, Shana walked down the long line of cows. Emanuel was crouched by one, sitting on a three-legged stool.
He looked up when he sensed her presence. "Come to meet our family?" he asked cheerfully.
"There's so many of them!" she laughed, amazed at the long line of cows, chewing hay while stomping their hooves impatiently.
"Ja! Fifteen. That's a decent size herd. Should have some babies this spring. The ones with chains around their necks were recently impregnated." He noticed another blush cover Shana's cheeks. Laughing, he stood up and walked toward her. "Does that embarrass you?" he asked, leaning closely to her face and reaching for her hand. He pulled her close and brushed his finger across her cheek.
"No," she lied. “Not in the least.”
He laughed again and spared her a quick kiss. Then, moving to the next cow in the line, Emanuel sat on the wobbly wooden stool and began milking. Following him, Shana stood by his side, and reached out to touch the cow. She liked the feeling of the cow’s warm fur.
"Where did they all come from, Emanuel?"
"Most of them were at Fa
ther's farm. Brother Steve and I brought them over just yesterday with the help of two Mennonite neighbors and their trucks. Jacob was kind enough to do the milking this morn."
"Jacob?" she asked.
"The old tenant," he explained.
"And the rest?"
"Gifts from family." He followed her gaze over the two rows of cattle. "We'll buy some more next spring." He met her eyes. "The more cows, the more milk. The more milk, the more money to buy more cows." An awkward silence fell over them. Then, Emanuel stood up and motioned to the stool. "Go ahead. Give it a try."
"Me? Milk a cow?"
Emanuel insisted, showing her how to do it. After the first couple of attempts, milk streamed out of the cow and into the bucket. Shana laughed childishly, delighted with each tinkle of milk against the side of the metal bucket. Emanuel watched, laughing with her. For the next hour and a half, she helped him finish milking the cows, carrying the full buckets to the large, metal storage tank in the back of the barn. Finally, after feeding the two horses for the night, Emanuel and Shana walked, side by side, back to the house.
Inside the warm kitchen, the silence slowly vanished as Emanuel helped Shana prepare their first meal. He showed her where everything was, unaware that she had already gotten the feel of the kitchen. She heated up some leftovers Katie had sent along while Emanuel turned on the gas heater. After several minutes, the warm kitchen grew comfortably hot as the scents of an Amish kitchen began to infiltrate the smell of the fresh paint. They sat at the table, talking quietly about what the next few weeks would hold for them while they picked at the food on their plates.